Common, Make me

Via’s Reason

Common, Make me

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[Mature content; tackles about rape, emotional abuse and revenge. Of you're not comfortable reading this chapter, kindly skip this.]

In the midst of surging waves, I was the only one who feel the coldness of it. Sweeping my tears and shoving it away . . . but, not the entire pain I was feeling. I was wondering if what life could be if I choose a different path wherein I choose to forgive him.

Is it worth it? Is it possible that we can reconcile and forgive each other?

I was lost in my waves of thoughts, washed the sanity left in me . . . and the heaviness of what I am feeling was getting me more and more crucial to deal with. I was worn out, I was tired of crying . . . my chest hurt and I wasn't even sure if I am still breathing while glancing the pastel colors in front of me.

The scenery that will surve as hope, a chance, a new beginning . . . but somehow . . . I also think that just like sunsets, everything will end, nothing will stay, nothing will work out even you fight for it so hard. Even you did your best, even you almost died sacrificing.

I looked at my wrist to check the time, and it was already five fifty-eight in the afternoon . . . it's almost night and dark. I could already see the moon where I am standing but, I can't even move my feel to get out from the water.

I just can't . . . I don't how.

"Via?! Via! Nasaan ka na!"

At that time, I hurriedly wipe my tears. Reality wakes me up that I should pretend again . . . act tough again and let them see that you're not affectted despite of having a broken heart.

"Vi — Via!"

A presence of Dustin having a worried expression welcomed my sight. Bakit ba kasi alam nitong lalaki na ‘to na dito ako pumupunta?

“Via," agad niya akong niyakap. At sa yakap na iyon nadama ko iyong kalinga ng isang kaibigan. A hug that can assure you that everything will be okay . . . that it'll be fine. That despite of those thorns, you can still able to heal.

"Hindi mo naman kailangan umalis sa hospital eh. Alam kong mabigat na ‘yan, halika iyak ka muna sa balikat ko." I shake my head.

Ayoko, ayokong umiyak dahil baka maibuhos ko lahat ng sakit na dulot sa nakaraang iyon.

Iginaya niya ako sa buhanginan at dinala sa may isang puno ng niyog na natumba at pinaupo ro’n. He wiped my tears that I didn't notice.

Taksil talaga iyong mata ko eh! Sabing huwag iiyak!

"I-I . . . " I can't find the exact words to say as he stared at me. "I want to go back Manila muna, Dus. Doon muna ako sa bahay namin, doon muna ako. Bisitahin ko muna si papa. Magpapalamig muna ako."

Agad naman siyang tumanggi ro'n at umiling. Nakita ko pa kung gaano siya nag-alala. "No. Dito ka lang sa Cebu, Via. Walang aalis, wala ha. Common! You survived worst than this."

Hindi ko na alam Dus kung kaya ko pa ba...

Even how calming his voice, hindi ko mapatahan iyong sarili ko. Masyadong masakit, masyadong tumatak sa isip ko iyong sinabi ni Fiona. "I want to escape even for now, Dus. I-I was tired . . . nakakapagod lumaban," my voice broke. "Sa mga ginagawa ko parang ako pa iyong may mali, na parang wala siyang kasalanan kung bakit ako ganoon. I want justice too, Dus. G-gusto ko lang din ng hustisya para kay papa at para sa akin. . ."

"Is it too much to ask? I was abused too . . . hindi lang isa, dalawa . . . paulit-ulit."

Tanging nagawa ko na lang ay ngumawa at manghina. Ang sakit-sakit sa dibdib, ang sikip. I know, I f*****g know what is my fault in the first place. I know that revenge is not the solution. I could have file a case against him before, but I know na may koneksyon din siya sa mga police. He can easily get out, his dad will surely pay them three times just to bail him out. Barya lang ang pera para sa kaniya noon. And, I was poor. I was powerless, worthless . . . wala. Wala akong laban sa kaniya dati.

"Pagod na pagod na ako, Dus. Ayoko na." tumitig ako sa kawalan.

If ever that I did choose to sue him for what he have done to me, can I get the satisfaction and justice? Mas maging komportable kaya ako kapag mas pinili ko iyong batas na ang huhusga sa kaniya? Paano kapag paiikotin na naman niya iyong kapangyarihan niya at pera para makalaya?

Siguro, hindi lahat ng tama ay tama. Sometimes, even if it is the worst thing you'll ever do in your life, basta makuha mo lang iyong hustisya na hinahangad mo . . . you'll do it. Even if dumaan muna ito sa masamang paraan, bahala na.

"If you will go back there to get comfort, you'll be alone. Dito ka na lang, madadamayan pa kita. Kaya nga tayo lumayo doon sa Manila, ‘di ba? Para kahit papaano ay makalayo muna tayo sa problema—"

"But he f*****g followed me here! Sinundan ako ng hayop na iyon dito!" sigaw ko. Cutting his sentence.

"Nanahimik na lang sana siya sa Manila eh. Sana . . . naghanap na lang siya ng babaeng para sa kaniya. Hindi iyong guguluhin niya ulit ako, gagawin na namang miserable iyong buhay ko..." I paused. "Tangina, Dus. And hirap-hirap pala na makita siya ulit. Nanunumbalik lahat pati iyong lecheng pagmamahal na pilit kong pinatay noon pa man."

I'm so done. Everything is messed up. f**k this life.

"Gusto ko na lang sana ibaon sa limot eh."

You know what is the most painful thing I've ever received in my entire life?

Iyong nawala iyong tatay ko dahil sa lalaking iyon. His dad . . . that old man is also selfish. Puwede naman sana niyang iligtas iyong tatay ko at anak niya, pero makasarili siya. Arden, yes. Arden Luther f*****g Guevara, the reason why my dad died. The reason why I became like this. He raped me, he f*****g raped me, not once, not twice . . . I lost count. At nagbunga iyon, yes. I have a son. He played my feelings back then when we are still high school. And, nabuntis ako after that.

I was just a bet. A f*****g bet then after that, nilasing niya ako sa condo niya then he raped me. Ginahasa niya ako at he filmed it. Kung hindi lang tinake down ng pamilya nila iyong issue . . . baka nga ay hanggang ngayon ay usap-usapan pa rin iyon. But the most pathetic thing that I ever did is . . . I did loved him. Oo, habang naging tanga ako sa bet na iyon ay minahal ko siyang nang husto. Halos isang taon. I was fourth year highschool that time, ga-graduate na sana ako e.

Kaso . . . iba iyong nangyari.

Then, after ko nanganak ay hindi muna ako nag-aral sa loob ng dalawang taon. I transferred and start a new. Pina-alaga ko muna sa iba ang bata. Hindi ko rin kayang makita eh, bunga siya sa isang katangahan ko. I changed myself. Binangon ko ang sarili ko upang maghiganti.

And that time, when we met again. Ibang-iba na ako no’n. I was a different Via. Maybe he didn't notice my name and the familiarity dahil wala naman siyang pake eh. Noon nga, ang alam niya lang na pangalan ko ay Grace.

That's it. Nothing more.

Napaka-tanga ano? Iyong noon, alam niya lang ay iyong pangalan mo but, those little details? Nah, he never noticed those. Siya, alam na alam ko lahat tungkol sa kaniya pero iyong tungkol sa akin?

This revenge . . . this whole thing, I did it get the justice na hindi maibigay sa akin dahil sa pera at impluwensiya. Those authorities . . . I can't trust them.

Imagine the feeling of being forced by someone you love. The trauma you went through. The unfairness of justice. Ngayon niyo sabihin na wala akong puso.

Now, try to put your shoes on mine. Ano nga ba ang mas matimbang? Ano nga ba ang magagawa mo?

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It is more painful to be played and to be used.

-Dawndistinctmind