Five o Clock Shadow (FILIPINO-ENGLISH)

8. Kind of Help

“LET me help you, as you can help me.”

 Sinubukan kong mahulaan kung ano ang nasa likod ng alok na inilahad ng Big Boss noong tumawag ito, ngunit hindi ko alam kung paano. Tatlong araw na ang lumipas nang matanggap ko ang tawag na iyon at wala pa rin naman akong naririnig mula sa lalaki. Hindi ko maapuhap kung bakit niya pinag-usapan ang tungkol sa sitwasyon ko at humingi ng isang pabor para roon. Alam ko naman kasing maimpluwensya itong tao, lalo pa at nakakuha nga ito ng impormasyon tungkol sa financial crisis ko. Kaya bakit, sa lahat ng tao sa mundong ito, ay sa isang hamak na trabahante niya siya hihingi ng tulong?

I chose to shut my thoughts up for the time being, as I tend to my growling stomach. I reached for the lunch that Ma had prepared for me, which I thought was such a sweet gesture. It has been such a long time since Ma had prepared me a lunch box. The last time would probably be in high school where she would only wake me up when every single thing is ready and all that I’ve got to do is to take a bath and get ready for school. 

Heaving a sigh from the memory, I removed the lid from the Tupperware, and started eating my lunch. It’s only fitting that Ma had prepared me something to eat since I heard from news when I was riding at the bus earlier that there would be some chances of raining at this day, and how unlucky could I get for not bringing an umbrella.

Nangangalahati na ako sa aking pananghalian nang tumunog ang aking cellphone mula sa drawer. Kinuha ko ito at nakita na si Alicia ang tumatawag. Tinanggap ko ang tawag at iniipit ang cellphone sa aking tenga gamit ang balikat at nag-multi task upang matapos ang aking pagkain. “Hello, Alicia. Kumusta?”

I heard her roommate’s voice from the other line so I assumed that she was at their dorm room. “Heto, sinu-survive ang morning sickness. Buti nalang andito si Loriemae at tinutulungan niya ako,” Alicia said in a soft voice.

May naalala akong napag-usapan namin noong nakaraang napatawag ito kaya tinanong ko siya tungkol doon, “Siya nga pala, kumusta? Nakapagpa-check up ka na ba? Alam mo na ba kung ano’ng gender?” tanong ko habang puno ang bibig ng huling sandok ng aking pagkain. Inilapag ko ang kutsara sa tapat ng Tupperware at hinawakan ang cellphone gamit ang nalibreng kamay.

“Tangi, magfo-four months pa lang itong tiyan ko, matagal pa bago malalaman kung ano’ng gender. Tsaka iyong check-up ko sa Biyernes pa, sasamahan naman ako ni Loriemae papunta dun,” narinig ko ang protesta ng roommate niya sa kabilang linya kaya sumabay na rin ako sa tawa ng aking kapatid. 

Hindi ko man nakilala ang Loriemae na iyon sa personal pero pinangakuan naman ako nito na aalagaan niya si Alicia, kung gagawin daw namin siyang ninang ng bata. Napatawa na lang kami ng aking kapatid nang sinabi ni Loriemae iyon.

“Mabuti naman kung ganoon. Eh iyong studies mo, kumusta? Hindi ka ba nahihirapan since inaalagaan mo rin ang sarili mo?” I asked her as I picked some random piece of paper and played with it using my free hand.

“Heto, nag-aaral. May exam kami bukas eh. Tsaka, sis. May itatanong sana ako,” I heard some shuffling of papers on the other line so I assumed that she’s studying while in the middle of our call. “Nasabi mo na ba kay Ma ang tungkol sa pagbubuntis ko?”

Nang marinig ko ang tanong ng kapatid ay napabuntung hininga ako. “Alicia… hindi pa eh. Kasi gusto ko na ikaw mismo magsabi kay Ma, at natatakot din ako sa magiging reaksyon niya. Mahina na puso ng nanay natin, alam mo ‘yan.” Dinig ko rin sa kabilang linya ang pagbuntung hininga nito, halatang pareho rin kami ng iniisip sa puntong iyon. 

Alam ko kung gaano kahirap na ibahagi ang balita ng pagbubuntis niya sa aming ina, pero nararapat din na malaman ni Ma ito. Ngunit hindi ang pugbubuntis ni Alicia ang magiging problema kapag nagkataon; ito ay kung paano tatanggapin ni Ma ang balita. Wala akong narinig na kung ano mula sa kapatid kaya alam kong malalim ang iniisip nito, kaya’t minabuti kong patatagin ang loob ni Alicia. 

“Alicia, alam ko mahirap. Pero andito lang ako kapag kaya mo nang makausap si Ma. At huwag mo nang i-stress ang sarili mo masyado sa kaiisip, baka mapano kayo ng pamangkin ko,” I told her with worry. “Alagaan mo nang maigi ang sarili mo, big sis. Wala ako diyan upang alalayan ka.”

I worry a bit more when I heard her sniffed a little, knowing that emotional stress is not good for her, but before I could say anything she spoke with her voice that is on the verge of breaking. “Opo, little sis. Magiging doctor pa ako, kasama ang baby ko. So don’t worry,” I could almost hear her wink from the other line which made me smile and worry a bit less. She told me that she has to continue with her studies so I told her to not stress herself too much before I bid my goodbyes and let her be. I heaved a sigh then placed the phone back inside the drawer.

Nakakaginhawa sa damdamin sa tuwing maririnig ko ang boses ng kapatid lalo pa at napakalayo nito sa akin. Nakaka-miss ang mga yakap at ang pag-aaruga nito kapag may problema ako sa aking pag-aaral, o kahit noong may hindi kami pagkakaunawaan ni Ethan noon. Ngayon na si Alicia naman ang nangangailangan ng suporta, sinisiguro kong naroon ako lagi para sa kaniya gaya ng pagsuporta nito sa akin.

Feeling a bit of a relief, I resorted in cleaning up my desk to kill the remaining time for lunch until I go back to my tasks. I placed the lid over my lunch box, snapped it close and hid it inside my bag. Gracie approached me from her side of the office a few moments later while I was removing the sticky notes from everywhere in my cubicle. I turned to her with a smile, “hey, Gracie. Tapos ka na mag-lunch?” She responded with a nod, yet her face looked a little troubled so I asked her what was wrong.

Lumipas ang isang minuto bago nito kinamot ang sariling braso at napaiwas ng tingin, “Rache, naghahanap pa rin naman ako hanggang ngayon. Pero nung nakaraang linggo pa ako hindi makahanap ng mga job vacancies.”

“Ano ka ba, Gracie,” tumayo ako at nilapitan ang babae. “Ayos lang ‘yun. Huwag mo nang problemahin, okay?” alo ko sa kaniya at hinawakan ang kamay nito as a gesture of appreciation. “Salamat sa tulong mo. Salamat talaga.”

She looked back at me with an apologetic look on her face so I tightened my hold on her hand as a gesture of reassurance. I gave her a small smile which made her smile in return, “hayaan mo, Rachelle. ‘Pag nakahanap na ako ng mapapasukan mong trabaho, tatawagan kita agad.” I nod as she placed her hand on top of mine. “Kaya mo ‘yan, Rache. Kakayanin mo ‘yan.” I nod at her once more and gave her a hug before I shoo-ed her away for her to go back to her work, telling her that Ma’am May would get furious if she’s us just chatting around. She laughed a little then walked back to her cubicle.

Laking pasasalamat ko talaga sa tulong na binibigay ni Gracie, kahit noon pang bagung bago pa ako sa trabaho ko rito sa publishing company. Siya ang nagkukuwento sa akin ng mga kung anu-ano tungkol sa Terreva, at itong tulong na ginagawa ng babae ngayon ay nakakataba ng puso. Three months in to my job almost four months in staying in Terreva and I think that I’ve already found a true friend. I can’t even believe that I haven’t been away from the province for so long yet I have encountered so many things here at the strange city that I’m in.

Habang iniisip ang hirap na dinanas ko sa paghahanap ng mapapasukang trabaho sa estrangherong syudad na ito, napabuntung hininga na lamang ako at napaupo sa aking upuan habang iniisip kung kalian ako makakahanap ng trabaho upang matustusan ang mga pangangailangan namin ni Ma. Sa kagustuhang nawaglit muna ang mga problema sa aking isip kahit sa madaling panahon lang, itinuon ko ang atensyon sa computer at nagsimulang magtrabaho.

I waited for the hour hand to finally reach six before getting up from my seat. I hurriedly went to fetch my things and punched my time out and took the elevator down. I found two convenience stores where they were in need of additional staff so I hug the folder full of résumés close to my chest while I think of a way to get there early. I couldn’t get a taxi to go there so all I did was heave a sigh as a final thought came to my mind while the elevator has opened its doors. I almost made a run to exit the building when I felt the droplets of water pour down on me aggressively. I took a step back at the part of the building where I can’t get wet – or wetter – and closed my eyes in frustration.

Narito ako sa labas ng building na napapapalatak na lang sa inis habang iniisip kung paano pa makakaabot sa interview na dapat madaluhan gayong napakalakas ng ulan at wala man lang akong dalang payong.

At naisip mo pa talagang maglakad na lang papunta sa convenience store na iyon, Rachelle? Boba!

Accepting the fact that I won’t be able to go to that interview because of the aggressive showers of rain, I chose to sit at one of the stairs in defeat and wait until the pouring would decide to calm down. I opted in admiring the view of how the weather hugged the shapes and curves of buildings that I could see from my line of sight.

Naiirita man ako dahil sa masamang panahon, ngunit ang lamig na hatid ng ulan at ang amoy ng paligid na aking nalalanghap ay nagdadala ng kakaibang kaginhawaan sa aking pakiramdam. I sigh in contentment and shut my eyes for a brief second.

“You didn’t bring an umbrella, did you?”

Muntik na akong mapatalon sa gulat nang makarinig ng boses mula sa aking likuran. Nilingon ko ang pinanggalingan ng tanong na iyon at nagulat pa akong lalo nang makita ang Big BOss na nakatayo isang metro ang layo mula sa akin habang nakapasok ang isang kamay sa bulsa ng kaniyang pantalon. Napatayo ako agad at nahihiyang itinungo ang ulo upang magbigay galang sa aming amo. “G-good evening po, Big Boss.”

“You didn’t bring an umbrella, did you?” he asked again, making me wince. I chose to look at the marble tiles below us and shook my head as an answer. I heard some shift of movement coming from his direction yet I chose to remain my stare lowered at the ground.

“Come on. I’ll take you home,” tila ay naging mas malakas na ang boses nito kaysa noong una kaya napatingin ako sa lalaki at nakitang mas malapit na ang kinatatayuan nito habang may hawak na nakabukas na payong sa kanyang kamay.

“Naku, huwag na po. Nakakahiya,” I shook my head profusely to deny his offer. “Naghihintay lang din naman po ako na humina ang ulan.”

He took a few steps closer which made me take a step back. But when I made the action, I felt the shower of rain falling on to my back making me retreat and came close to him.

“Please. I insist,” sabi niya habang itinatapat ang payong sa aking ulunan upang hindi ako mabasa. “Alam kong alam mo na wala pang tyansang humina ang ganiyan kalakas na ulan. Not at this moment, at least.”

When I saw the determined look on his face and heard the authority in his voice, I could only sigh in defeat and give a small nod as a response. He started walking towards the black sedan – which I correctly guessed that the car was his – so I walked beside him with his hand holding the umbrella on the space between us. 

He opened the door of the passenger seat so I thanked him by giving a slight bow before going in. I was about to reach for the door but he was the one who closed it shut. I bring my stare around his car and saw nothing unusual. Everything was neat and classy. I felt more discomfort as I realize how awkward it is that I’m about to be brought home by a man who is married to a woman who I share the same face with.

Lumipas ang ilang sandal bago bumukas ang pintuan ng driver’s seat at pumasok ang Big Boss sa loob ng sasakyan. Inilagay nito ang nakasara nang payong sa sa likurang bahagi ng sasakyan bago bumalik sa pagkakaupo at ini-start ang makina. Nang maramdaman kong nagsimula na kaming lumayo mula sa publishing company, pinagsalop ko ang dalawang kamay at inilagay sa aking hita nang maramdaman ko itong manginig. 

Hindi ko alam kung ang ginaw na nararamdaman sa sandaling ito ay dahil sa panahon, o dahil sa lalaking nagda-drive sa aking tabi. Itinuon ko na rin lamang ang paningin sa aking harapan habang papalayo kami sa kumpanyang pagmamay-ari ng lalaki.

Makalipas ang ilang minuto ay narinig ko ang pagbuntung hininga ng lalaki bago ito nagsalita, “have you thought about my offer?” Naiwas ko ang tingin sa daan at napatingin ako sa lalaking nakatuon ang atensyon sa daang tinatahak. Hindi ako nakaimik dahil hinahanap ko pa sa aking isip ang mga salitang dapat kong sabihin. 

“Are you having second thoughts about me helping you and your mom?” Saglit itong lumingon sa aking direksyon ngunit ibinalik din agad ang tingin sa daan. “Don’t be. I’m serious about extending a hand.”

I turn my gaze away from him as I felt the discomfort eating me up again. “B-bakit niyo po gagawin iyon?”

I didn’t hear anything from the Big Boss so I looked at his direction again. I hid my surprise when I saw him looking back at me while the car was momentarily stopped. I couldn’t define the kind of look he’s giving me which me uneasier. “Like I said. I will help you, as you can also help me.”

I stare at him in confusion as I process what he just said. The Big Boss shifted his eyes back at the road and started driving again. “Pero, paano ko naman po kayo matutulungan, Sir?” The question remained hanging in the air until the car finally stopped in front of my apartment building. I never heard him say anything as he reached something from the backseat, exited the car and went to open the door beside me.

Naitungo ko ang aking ulo at lumabas na ng sasakyan niya. Nang makita kong umuulan pa ngunit hindi naman ako nauulanan, nagkunwa na lamang ako sa isipang pinapayungan ako ulit ng lalaki. Sumunod naman ito nang walang imik sa akin habang naglalakad patungo sa kwartong aking tinutuluyan.

Nang makaabot na sa ikalimang palapag ng building at makitang nasa tapat na ako sa pintuan ng aking apartment ay saka ko pa lamang nilingon ang lalaki. Nakapamulsa lamang ito habang hawak hawak ang basang payong sa isang kamay, nakatuon ang mga mata sa akin na tila ay kanina pa ako pinagmamasdan.

I turn to his direction awkwardly as I tread the words carefully out of my tongue, “kung o-oo po ba ako sa tulong na ibibigay mo, ano po ang tulong na hihingin mo sa akin?”

His stare held a huge amount of intensity making me wince, which made me think that maybe I chose the wrong words to say to the strange man in front of me. A minute passed by so painfully that all I could do was shift my eyes away from that burning stare of his.

“What I wanted in return… is for you to be my wife.”

Naibalik ko ang aking tingin sa kintatayuan ng lalaki ngunit nakita ko itong magsimulang lumakad palayo. His words didn’t even sink into my brain kahit na hindi ko na nakikita ang lalaki sa aking harapan. I just stood there, my feet rooted to the ground as I tried to understand the Big Boss’s words.

Ano? Gusto niya akong maging asawa niya?

~