Pleasure of Ruin

Masochist -someone who keeps putting themselves in situations that hurt them, and may even become attached to that pain. What are you willing to do for love? If that is the inquiry, I already have an answer to that. I will beg. That's what I learned from my surroundings. Living with my Lola when I was ten years old and witnessed how she begged her beloved to visit her through mails. That even just one glance, she will be happy with that. But Lola died without receiving anything in response. After years of sending him mails, he never, even once, tried to answer her. All she do is beg for him to visit her and she failed. When Lola died, I had to live with my mother's family and I learned to beg for their affection. Tito Rue doesn't like me around and I can tell that my sisters were all annoyed at me. Mommy had to talk to my father so he could pay attention to me too but it never happened. Noong nagpakilala ako, mabilis nitong sinabi na hindi maaring malaman ng publiko ang tungkol sa akin. I am a fruit of adultery. Nabuntis ang mommy ko kay Daddy habang may asawa itong buntis din sa kapatid ko. Dad didn't took responsibilities of me and decided to pay Mommy a lot of money which she used to change her life and that's when she met her husband. Basically, naiwan akong mag-isa at sa sarili kong pamilya, nagmamakaawa ako para sa kakarampot na atensyon at kaunting pagmamahal na bago ko pa matanggap, kailangan ko pang paghirapan ng husto. I have to beg for Mommy's attention and Daddy's approval of me as his daughter. What are you willing to do for love? Beg. That's what I will do. That's what I'm good at. Kaya ganoon ang ginagawa ko. Nangungulit na mapansin niya. Naghihintay kung kailan muling matatapunan ng tingin niya. Kahit paulit-ulit akong madismaya, paulit-ulit pa rin akong aasa na balang araw, magtatagumpay din ako. "Really, Eve? Gagawin natin 'to just for that bastard?" nakangiwing tanong ni Malyca. She's my friend. Not best friend but a friend. I do really think that the two has a big difference. Best friend's break up is worst than friend's separation. "Sandali lang naman. Mukhang paalis na iyong babae, eh." I fixed my hair and continued. "Kapag alis niya, papasok tayo at kunwari ay hindi alam na nandoon si Tyron." She snorted at me. Binalingan ko siya habang nakalabi. I clasped both of my hands and blinked my eyes repeatedly. "Pretty please," pagpapa-cute ko. Walang nagawa si Lyca kundi ang samahan ako. We waited for thirty minutes before the girl left while fixing her clothes. She is also having a difficulty of taking bigger steps. Lumabi ako. They probably did something inside. Pumasok kami ni Malyca at nagsimula ako ng topic na hindi niya pa masundan noong una. Sa pheriperal vision ko, kitang-kita kong bumaling sa amin ang grupo nila Tyron. I laughed elegantly at kunwari ay nagtingin nang nagtingin ng gamit doon. "This is a f*****g kink store. Kunwaring coffee shop lang!" nangangalit ang ngipin ni Malyca pero nakangiti. Her hand gripped mine and secretly pinched me. May tinuro ang nguso niya na binalingan ko. I thought it's just a design but it is actually a closet with doors widely open to present some unusual things. There's a line of a men's d**k displayed there in different sizes and materials. Bahagyang nanlaki ang mata ko. Indeed! Akala ko ay coffee shop 'to at ito ang unang pagkakataon na tinangka kong pumasok para makita si Tyron. He loves coming here and I really thought he loves coffee just like me. Bakit mas maraming bote ng alak dito? Mukhang mamahalin din at naka-display! Sa hawak sa akin ni Lyca, masasabi kong hindi siya komportable sa ambiance at sa pagbaling ng atensyon sa amin. Ang klase kasi ng titig ng mga naroon sa loob ay tumatagos sa amin. "Hehe... let's go na agad, Eve," nakangiti siya pero ang mata ay nanlilisik. Sandali akong natigilan at hindi agad ma-process ang nakikita. "Woah. woah! May bagong costumer si Morcan!" kantyaw ng isa sa likod at nasisiguro kong kaibigan ni Tyron iyon. Lakas loob akong bumalik at pinangatawanan ang plano kanina. Kunwari ay nagulat ako. "Oh! Kayo pala..." ako sabay ngiti. Naramdaman ko uli ang pagkurot ni Malyca sa braso ko pero hindi ako natinag. I took the chance to look at Tyron at halos mapigtal ang hininga ko nang makasalubong ang malamig at matatalim niyang tingin. He's holding a glass of liquor in his right hand while dipping it in his lips. Malaswa ang paraan nang pagdausdos ng basong iyon sa labi niya. Mistulang nakasandal siya sa bar counter at ang dalawang siko ay nakatapong doon. A grin crossed his lips after a minute of our eye locking. "Look who do we have here," mapaglaro at nanunuya ang tono niya. Umismid ako sandali at tapos ay binalingan ang mga s*x toys sa gilid ko. Naghahanap ang mata ko nang mas matino sa mga iyon pero wala talaga. Humugot ako nang malalim na hininga at dinampot ang isang isang tila hair curler doon. May bumps nga lang na paikot na parang design pa nito. It looks so fancy in shimmering dark red color. "What do you think of this, Lyca?" I turned to her and smile fakely. Nanlalaki ang mata niya at halos umiling na pero nahihiya lang. "That's a vibrator, Eve," sinundan niya iyon ng pagtawa nang mahina. I almost gasped and wanted so bad to bring it back to its place but a hand captured mine. Hinawakan din nito ang gamit na hawak ko. "This a better choice, though," he uttered with his normal voice yet it sounds sensual to me. Sinipat niya iyon at kumilos ang daliri niyang mahaba para pindutin ang switch noon. That thing vibrated that made me lose my grasp on it. Nang balingan ko si Tyron, nakangisi na siya. "It has buttons for different intensity. Why not buy it, hmmm?" he asked me and licked his lips while looking darkly at me. I gulped and don't know what to do. God! Different intensity? Malakas na nga iyong vibrate kanina? Yumuko siya sandali at may kinalabit siya sa bandang ibaba at nang lumitaw iyon, sabay kaming napasinghap ni Malyca. It's a silicon mannequin of a woman's lower body. Her legs are spread widely and her v****a is exposed. Tyron moved the vibrator towards the mannequin's private part and gently slid it inside. Hindi niya pinatay iyon kaya ngayon, naririnig ang ingay na ginagawa ng vibrator sa loob ng mannequin. Tyron started pulling in and out of it like he's just playing a goddamn toy. It look so sensual. "So..." he called my attention with only one word. Binalingan ko siya at nakitang ang mga mata niyang nakapukol sa akin ay nag-aalab sa 'di malamang dahilan. He's licking his lips that made it more red. There's still a glint of smirk on that. Somehow, I feel like the air inside this place is hot. Or is it him? "Will you buy it? Hmmm?" The vibrator's sound became louder and when I took a glance, it's now in its highest intensity. "You'll have your release for I guess... well... after five or less than five minutes," he wiggled his brow at me after saying that. "We're not buying it," si Malyca na halos nakalimutan kong kasama ko. "Marami pang ibang items si Morcan," singit ng nakikilala kong si Zath Delicante. Tyron throws him a quick glance before coming back at me. "This will hurt if you're a virgin, Avaya. You should leave now," biglang sumungit ang boses niya. Agad akong umiling. "H-Hindi! Bibilhin ko iyan!" napapalakas na sambit ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit mas nakakahiya na hindi ko iyon bilhin kaysa bilhin ang lintik na malaswang gamit na iyon. Lumunok ako ng ilang magkakasunod na beses bago kinuha ang hawak niya. Tyron turned off the vibrator before letting me take it. Narinig kong ibinalik niya na rin sa pagkakatago ang silicon mannequin. "How about d***o's?" tila nangungutyang ani ni Zath, kaibigan ni Tyron at ng isa pa nitong kakambal. Umismid ako. "I don't need that," sagot ko. I motioned the vibrator in my hand. "This is enough. I'll take this," sambit ko bago ngumisi. I heard Malyca's exaggerated sighs. I went to the counter and saw the man who just went out of a small door. "Morcan, bagong costumer!" masiglang balita noong isang kaibigan pa ni Tyron, hindi ko matandaan ang pangalan. Halos nasa amin na ang atensyon nila at natutuwa ang mga reaksyon. "Nabibilib pa rin talaga ako kapag may mga babaeng malakas ang loob na bumili ng mga ganiyan," ngisi noong Giovanni, isang kakilala rin sa university. Tyron hissed. Naramdaman ko ang pagdantay ng init sa likod ko na nagmumula sa kaniya. Nagtindigan ang balahibo ko. "Magbayad ka na at umalis, Avaya," mas seryoso ang boses nito ngayon. Nagtindigan ang balahibo ko dahil ibinaba pa talaga niya ang labi niya sa mismong tenga ko para sabihin iyon. Dinig ko ang panganib sa hiningang dumadampi sa balat ko. Tyron's hand found its way to waist and gently pinched it for a warning. Nanginginig ang kamay na kinuha ko ang card sa wallet ko at iniabot iyon sa lalaking tinawag nilang Morcan. The guy smirked at me before using my card. Ilang sandali lang, ibinalik na ito sa akin at ang vibrator ay inayos sa isang fancy box at iniligay sa loob ng plain paperbag. Tyron traced my nape down to my shoulder with his pointed nose. My heart pounded ruthlessly. "Do not come here again, Avaya, or you wouldn't like what I'm going to do to you," he grumbled dangerously. I faced him, a bit scared to see his reaction. His dark heavy-lidded eyes drilled through me, trying to barge in my thoughts. I gulped when his lips curved in unmistakable manner. Kinuha niya ang isang stool at umupo roon dahilan kung bakit medyo bumaba siya kaysa akin. Bumagsak ang tingin niya sa damit kong may pagkamababa ang neckline at nagpapakita ng cleavage. Umangat ang kamay niya at itinaas iyon nang walang pasabi. Ramdam ko ang gaspang ng kamay niya sa tuktok ng dibdib ko at halos silaban ako sa init sa kakaunting kilos niya na iyon. His gestures are tough and robust which made him more hot ten times. When he's satisfied, he signaled his hand to me, dismissing Malyca and I. I pressed my lips and nodded. Sinubukan kong lingunin ang ilang kaibigan niya para magpaalam pero naunahan niya na akong sitahin. "Move now, Av. Before I drag you out of this place," he demanded. Nagmamadali akong tumalikod at hinarap si Malyca na nakakunot ang noo at masama ang tingin sa aming dalawa. We left that place feeling a bit cold and scared. Malyca immediately went to her car. I followed her without saying any word. She started the engine and drove like she's being chased by ten bulls. I hold on to the paperbag tightly. "You just humiliated us, Eve!" she exclaimed when we both entered their house premises. "Yaya! Prepare snacks for us and bring it in my room!" she shouted, a bit sounding disrespectful. Dire-diretso siya sa pag-akyat sa hagdan na siya namang sinusundan ko. When we entered her room, she faced me ang spat words at me angrily. "That f*****g sick bastard touch you! Maligo ka! Goodness gracious, Eve! Anong nagustuhan mo sa gagong iyon?!" Sumalampak siya sa kama niya at napapagod na ibinagsak ang likod sa headrest ng kama. Pink na pink ang kabuoan ng silid kaya mistulang barbie kaming dalawa rito. "Kung sasabihin ko 'to sa mga kaibigan natin ay siguradong pagtatawanan ka nila," aniya habang naniningkit ang mata. Napalunok ako at napaupo na lang sa dulo ng kama. My friends doesn't like Tyron at all. He's well known as the Del Rico's black sheep. All of his cousins has good reputation in this university. Siya lang talaga ang may bad records dito at miski na rin sa mga pulis. Ate Lucia came in to bring us the snacks. Lyca got mad for some petty reasons which made her shout and belittle Ate Lucia before dismissing her. "Lyca, huwag naman ganoon," paninita ko. She just scoffed and took her phone to show me that she's not interested with what I wanted to say. Natahimik na lang ako at uminom ng juice. Inilapag ko ang paperbag na naglalaman ng binili ko sa tabi ng kama ni Lyca. "Kapag umalis ka huwag mong kakalimutan iyan, ha? Baka mamaya isipin pa ng friends natin na akin iyan," tila nandidiring sambit niya. I smiled and nodded a bit. Bumuntong-hininga na ako nang makitang tuwang-tuwa na siya sa ka-chat niya. They're probably talking about me, though. Malyca is always like that. Nagkukuwento sa kanila sa nangyayari sa akin. I don't usually do that kasi. Nahihiya akong magkwento kaya hinahayaan ko lang si Lyca. I fished my phone out of my pocket and visited i********:. I posted a picture of me with my outfit of the day and it gains thousands of like in a span of three hours. I'm quite famous in this app since there's a lot of managers who wants to have a time with me. Hindi iilang beses akong nabigyan ng offer para sa pagmo-model pero hindi ko kinukuha dahil sabi ni Daddy, baka malaman ng lahat kung sino ako. Panigurado daw na maghahalungkat ang publiko kapag sumikat ako. Not to mention that Evangeline, my sister, is also a well-known socialite. I double tap the screen when Evangeline's post appeared. It's Troi, Tyron's twin brother and her, in a romantic date last night. I sighed and smiled at the sight of my former best friend. I miss Troi. I miss venting out on him about how sad my life is. Kaya lang, hindi na kami nagkasundo noong nagkagusto siya sa half-sister ko. At lalo pa noong nagkagusto din ako kay Tyron. We didn't have a chance to reconnect. He said he's only accepting me again if I stop chasing his brother like a hungry dog. Kumikirot ang dibdib ko kapag naiisip iyon. I haven't like anyone like this before. At nang mapagtantong higit pa sa pagkakagusto ang nararamdaman ko para kay Tyron, lalong lumayo si Troi. I was torn between friendship and my love life and of course, I woke up one day that I lost Troi and I'm still chasing Tyron. "Oh my God!" tili ni Malyca na gumulat sa akin. She's hyperventilating as she scroll down. "Look! Tyron is all over the news!" she went to my side and gestured me her phone. Sinuyod agad ng mata ko ang malaking screen ng cellphone niya at nakita ang balitang tinutukoy nito. Tyron is indeed posted in the group page of our university. It's a video! A video of intimacy where Tyron is between a woman's leg. Hindi kita kung sino iyon dahil nakaliyad at tila naliligayahan sa ginagawa ng nasa gitna niya. "He's eating her!" she exclaimed like crazy. Bahagyang namasa ang mata ko at nang nakita ng kaibigan ko iyon ay humagalpak siya. "Masarap siguro kumain 'to! Look! The girl looks like she's getting crazy with his tongue," she teased me more. Umiwas ako ng tingin at inilayo na ang cellphone niya. Lyca laughed again, sounding so evil right now. Sinundot niya ang tagiliran ko. "Oy! You haven't kiss him yet, right? So sad naman talaga, Eve. Feeling ko hindi ka talaga niya type." Ibinagsak niya ang katawan sa kama at humagikgik uli. She opened her legs widely, copying the posture of the woman in the picture. Hinila niya ang bolster pillow at inilagay sa gitna noon. "They're like this and they're having fun!" she giddily said, taunting me again. Umiwas ako ng tingin at naramdaman ang patak ng luha na agad ko ring pinalis. "That happened maybe yesterday? At pustahan, he doesn't care about it! God, Eve! Oo, nakakadiri isipin na mali-link ka sa kaniya pero kung pwede namang patago..." humagikgik siya at itinagilid ang ulo para masilip ako. "Malay mo, pwede niya rin gawin sa akin 'yon." She put her forefinger on her nose. "Huwag mo ipagsasabi if ever, ha?" Hindi ako makatawa sa sinasabi niya. She took her phone and continue fishing on it. Mayamaya pa, bumangon na ito. "Hoy! Joke lang iyon! I like Troi better... or Tross. Pare-pareho naman silang sexy pero at least, walang bad reputation ang dalawa," pagbabawi niya sa sinabi nang makitang tahimik pa rin ako. Sinubukan kong ngumiti kahit sa loob loob ko'y nadudurog uli ako. Tyron has been in numerous scandal before. Hindi natatapos and everytime it happens, mabubura lang iyon sa social media at makakalimutan na ng publiko. He came from a wealthy family. Alam na alam na ng lahat na ang lumabas na balita ngayon, ilang oras lang ay mawawala na uli. But that didn't change the fact that it happened. Tyron had s*x with someone inside the school premises and he will surely received punishment for that. Although he doesn't care, I do. Minsan kasi ay dahil alam ng dean na hindi naman natitinag si Tyron sa ganoon, sa grades nila binabawian kahit na matalino naman ito. He doesn't usually attend classes that he hates but he can excel without studying those. Tyron can read a book and recite the whole context of it after he finished it. Ganoon siya katalino kaya kahit hindi araw-araw pumapasok, pagdating sa exams ay nakakapasa. Isang taon na lang at practice na siya. Medicine ang kinuha at mas lalong nakakapagpagpabagabag sa isip ko ay ang kaakibat ng propesyon niya. He's a racer who often caught in minor accident during the game. His life is at stake! And now, he's building his own clinic where women can spread their legs and pretend that they need treatment from him when all they want is to seduce him! "Gynecologist siya, 'di ba? Baka pwede raw magpa-appointment si Nadia," saad ni Lyca na nakangisi sa akin. Matalim ko siyang binalingan na tinawanan niya lang. "She just want me to ask you, though..." at ipinakita sa akin ang messages nila na ganoon nga ang sinasabi ni Nadia. Bumuntong-hininga ako at tamad na tumayo. "Uuwi na ako, Ly," mahinahong sambit ko. She just pouted her lips and nodded at me when her phone vibrated. "Iyong binili mo," she reminded me. Dinampot ko iyon at walang pasabing umalis na ng silid niya. Para akong pinagbagsakan ng langit at lupa habang bumababa. I called the guard in this subdivision and asked them to book a taxi for me. Habang naghihintay, nagtungo ako sa group page ng university at binalikan ang post doon tungkol kay Troi. I read the comments and saw that there are few girls who are mentioning a certain account. I clicked the girl's profile and her timeline flashed on my phone. A tourism student! Sa profile picture pa lang, litaw na litaw na agad ang kaniyang dede dahil sa bikini na suot. She has a good figure all through her posted pictures. Lahat nakakaakit para sa isang lalaki. I checked if she's friends with Tyron on f*******: but they're not. Hindi sila magkaibigan man lang sa f*******: pero bumukaka siya kay Tyron?! I huffed in annoyance. Bakit nag-e-exist ang ganitong mga babae? Malabong girlfriend ni Tyron 'to. Kanina lang ay may kalampungan siya sa loob ng tindahan ng malalaswang kagamitan, ah? Lumabas pa nga iyon na halos maika-ika na! Sa kababasa ko sa post noong babae, kinailangan pa akong pitpitan ng taxi driver dahil hindi ko agad siya napansin. Humingi ako ng despensa nang makasakay. "Saan tayo, Ma'am?" tanong nito, tunog masungit pa. Nahihiya akong ngumiti at sinabi ang location na pupuntahan. I am not going home! I will wait for him in his favorite bar! Hapon naman na. Alas sinco at malapit na maggabi. Tatambay ako sa coffee shop sa labas at papasok sa bar kapag nakita ko na siya. I wanted to ask him if he's busy tomorrow. Birthday ko at gusto ko sanang i-treat siya. Treating him for a dinner or lunch is like treating myself too. At isa pa, wala naman akong makakasama bukas. Mom is out of town with her family and Dad... he wouldn't lift a finger to see me. My friends have their plans. Si Tyron lang ang naisip kong gusto kong kasama. I wanted to text him but I don't have his number. If I message him in f*******:, he won't notice it, for sure! Bumuntong-hininga ako at naisip na wala talaga akong choice kundi puntahan ang lugar na iyon. I thanked Manong before leaving the taxi. Nagdiretso ako sa coffee shop. The barista welcomed me with a smile. "Abang uli?" nakangising tanong nito. Tipid akong tumango at ngumiti. "Americano, please..." He nodded right away. Pinili ko ang pwesto kung saan kitang-kita kung sino-sino ang nagdaratingan. I know his favorite motorcycle. He always uses that. The waiter put down my order. "After one hour uli," biro nito. Alam na alam na nila na sa bawat oras na lilipas, panibagong kape ang kailangan ko. I love coffee specially black coffee. Matapang iyon at doon lang ako humihiram ng lakas ng loob para maging ganito katatag. Hours had passed. Kumain na ako rito ng cake, dalawang beses at wala pa ring Tyron na dumarating. Binasa ko ang labi ko at sinimsim ang bagong deliver na kape sa mesa ko. Naniningkit na mabuti ang aking mata sa kagustuhang masino ang bawat parada ng sasakyan. It's past ten when he arrived. Hindi mag-isa kundi may dalawang babaeng angkas. Kung paano sila nagkasya sa motor ay hindi ko alam. Dali-dali akong nagpunta sa counter at ibinigay ang card ko. The barista already knows what to do. Mabilis ing-swipe tapos inabot sa akin. "Hindi pa nabibigay iyong cake. You can have it," sambit ko bago tumalikod. Sa pagpasok sa bar, nagsisiksikan ang halos karamihan dahil mahigpit masyado sa hindi naman member noon. Bachelor's hub is quite popular for having a good ambiance. Halos motel plus bar plus resto na rin sa loob kaya nasisiguro ko, nandito buong gabi si Tyron. Sinuyod ko ang buong lugar nang makapasok. Nakakahilo ang ilaw na nagpapalit-palit ng kulay. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ako masanay. There are guys who wanted to talk to me but I refused. Ilang mga couples din ang nakabangga sa akin at hindi man lang humingi ng paumanhin. This is bar. Lahat agresibo. Lahat normal. Lahat pwede. Kahit makipaghalikan ka sa hindi mo kakilala o makipaglandian kahit nasa isang sulok lang. Nagtungo ako sa hagdan patungo sa taas kung saan naroon ang mga kwarto. The rooftop is where the resto is residing at sa labas ang daan paakyat kaya kahit papaano, hiwalay din talaga. I watched some couples who are struggling to open their room door because of drunkenness. Inignora ko na lamang sila at tumungo sa room na palaging inokupa ni Tyron at ng mga kaibigan niya. Mas malaki iyon siguro kaysa ibang room dito. Para na rin kasing suite iyon na may sarili pa ring kwarto. I have an access to that since I blackmailed Zath Delicante about Evangeline before. They had a thing way back and it happened that I caught Zath being intimate with someone. I told him that I wouldn't tell Evangeline about that in exchange of keycard to access their favorite room here. Ayos lang. Evangeline is also crushing on Troi before while having a relationship with Zath. I think both of them cheated, somehow and I don't care. I only care about Tyron and how I will get him between my fingers. I smiled when the door opened. Iniluwa agad noon ang tatlong mga pamilyar na mukha. They're wearing their racer pants. Noriel Luceda, Tyron's best bud, Rico Miller and Hamoc James, his colleagues. They smiled at me. "Tyron?" Rico asked. I simply nod at them. I saw Noriel's smirked. "May session..." anito sa akin. Lumabi ako at umaktong ayos lang. He's with girls when he entered. Sigurado ako na iyon ang tinutukoy. Tyron won't bring his girls to his pad kaya ibig sabihin noon, hindi siya seryoso sa kanila. "Hihintayin kong matapos," nakangiting tugon ko. Nagpalitan sila ng tingin at nailing na lang sa tinuran ko. They're probably used to this kind of setup. Where girls will find their friend and they will tell them where they are. "Maupo ka na muna rito, Eve. Baka matagalan iyon. Dalawa, eh," ani Noriel at uminom ng alak. Ngumiwi ako at pagkuwa'y nag-iwas ng tingin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kaswal lang sa kanila iyon. Siguro ay masyado akong magaling magtago ng damdamin at pakiramdam nila, hindi masakit sa akin iyon. O baka ganito lang talaga kainsensitibo ang mga lalaki? "Ang comfort room..." sambit ko at itinuro iyon. Tumango lang sila sa akin na parang walang pakealam ano man ang gusto kong gawin sa lungga nila. I saw some dirt on the floor. Spilled white powder. Hindi ko na pinansin iyon. Sa halip na sa comfort room, sa silid na naglilikha ng ingay ako dumiretso. May awang ng kaunti ang pinto dahil sa pumps na naroon. Unti-unti ko iyong binuksan at nasaksihan uli ang paborito niyang gawin. My heart stopped beating again as I watch him. He's there, resting his back on the bed's frame. A woman is between his legs, giving him a blow while the other one is lying in opposite direction, spreading her legs so wide, giving Tyron more access to delved his finger in her genital area. The girl is moaning like she's about to meet God while his eyes are closed tightly and busy licking his lips as a sign of pleasure. His neck is turning red. He moved his hips and thrusted his shaft more to the woman's mouth. I clenched my jaw and closed the door again. I sat on the floor and rested my back on the wall. This is what a masochist loves to do. Watch him have a good time with his women and hear those lucky women's moans and pleadings. I wonder if he can make me borrow his time tomorrow if he's surely exhausted after this. I sniffed and brushed off the tears off my cheek. "I shouldn't cry..." my voice cracked as soon as I said that. "It's been one year and a half. Sanay na dapat ako."