In our twenties

In our twenties: Your worth and happiness comes first

In our twenties: Your worth and happiness comes first

A week had passed and I haven't heard much about Jacky. He might be so busy with his masters’ class, and so am I. I'm busy preparing for my board exam kaya hindi na rin ako nakakapagturo nang madalas online. Pero alam naman ng mga studyante ko na sobrang busy ko na kaya naiintindihan nila kung bakit hindi ako nakakapagbukas ng slot sa ngayon. 

While on my way home, I saw a couple displaying their affection publicly. I smiled and just walk past them. I'm in my twenties now and I've also dreamed of having someone I can shower with all my affection, but this might not be the right time for me to experience these things. 

Life has become so tough but I’m starting to get used to it. Wala namang choice kasi. 

Iyong buhay ko ngayon, typical na buhay lang. Tabaho, aral, tapos minsan gala with friends. Parang naging routine ko na nga eh, Minsan nakakasuka iyong ganitong set up pero nasasanay na rin ako. My life has become monotonous, but I seem so fine with it.

At dahil na bored na ako kakaaral sa araw na ito ay napagpasyahan kong mag turo na lang muna ng mga ilang oras online. Pampalipas oras kumbaga. 

It went well, as usual. And when the student will ask how I am parang naka default na sa utak ko na ang isasagot ko palagi ay “I’m doing great!” kahit parang pakiramdam ko naligaw naman na ulit ako.

Ewan, masaya naman ako sa buhay ko pero may kulang pa rin at di ko na alam kung ano. May trabaho ako, sapat na income, may mapagmahal na pamilya, healthy at humihinga. Ewan ko kung ano pa ang kulang. 

I was smiling at my new student when he told me he needs to transfer our class to PC. Naka smartphone lang kasi siya at hindi siya komportable.

“Sure, don’t worry this class will not be canceled since this is a booked class,” sabi ko sa kanya.

I waited for him hanggang sa makabalik siya sa virtual classroom. At nang makabalik siya ay napakurap-kurap ako. Ilang buwan ba ang lumipas nang huli kong makita ang kwartong iyan? Those mint painted wall, at ang tanim sa gilid. It’s so familiar, samahan mo pa ng guitar na sinandal sa gilid. I am so familiar with this room and there’s no way I could forget it lalo na’t gabi-gabi ko itong nakikita noon. The only difference now is that iba na ang taong kaharap ko.

“I forgot to introduce myself earlier. I’m Tomo, by the way. But you can call me Tom because Tom is cooler than Tomo,” he said.

A smile curves my lips. “Indeed. Please call me Princess. Nice to meet you, Tom,” sabi ko at talagang nakipagshake hands pa ako sa kanya virtually. 

“By the way, your room looks so familiar.” Hindi ko na talaga napigilan ang sarili ko. 

I heard him chuckled. “Uh, yeah. I have actually known you already before coming to your class. My roommate, Jacky, do you remember? He was your student and I always saw you guys having fun in class before. I’m bored as hell now and I just wanna have a new hobby. Learning English, you know.” He shrugged his shoulder after.

Today is Friday so I do not need to ask him where Jacky is because usually if it’s Friday, Jacky would go to his parent’s house.

“I see. You must be the person I saw before. I did not actually saw your face because it wasn’t shown in the camera.” 

“Yeah, it was me. I was curious at that time so I peeked just to see who is the woman making him laugh every night. And, I like your teaching style that’s why I tried entering your class. This is my first time in this platform, so please be kind,” he said at talagang pinagtagpo pa ang dalawang palad.

I couldn’t help but smile at his cuteness.

“I got your back. Don’t worry!”

Unlike Jacky, Tom wouldn’t enter my class very often. Only when he wanted someone to talk with. Once a week kumbaga. Although we rarely see each other, we still manage to become close. Ewan kung paano nangyari pero mabilis lang kami napagpalagayan ng loob. 

It’s too easy to understand and to please him kaya siguro ang bilis naming nagkasundo.  Kaya from one lesson per week naging mas madalas na ang pagkikita namin. Maliban na lang sa mga araw na masyadong abala ako lalo na no’ng katatapos ko lang mag take ng board exam.

Para akong tanga kasi nag-exam lang naman ako pero kinabukasan wala na akong ganang magpatuloy sa buhay dahil hindi ako kampante sa kalalabasan ng exam. Hindi ako confident kung kaya ko ba iyong ipasa o hindi. Pero paubos na income ko, kailangan kong kumayod muli kun’di nga nga ako. 

Kaya wala akong choice kundi magbukas ng klase, and to my surprise, Tom booked all the slots that I’ve opened. Sampu lang naman ang binuksan kong slot but that is equivalent to 5 f*****g hours.

“Hey, Tom! You’ve booked 5 hours class. Is everything okay?” tanong kong may pag-aalala.

Pumikit siya nang mariin at hindi nagsalita. Hinayaan ko na lang kasi baka may pinagdadaanan siya.

“The last time I saw you were before you took your board exam, and the first phrase you’re gonna tell me is Hey, Tom?!” 

Kumunot ang noo ko. I smiled awkwardly. Di ko kasi siya ma gets.

“What…should I supposed to say then?” may pag-aalangan ko pang tanong.

Tinitigan niya muna ako saka siya nag iwas ng tingin, sabay sabing, “didn’t you miss me?” Mahina man ang pagkakabigkas niya pero rinig na rinig koi to kaya sa lang sa gulat ko ay napa “ha?” ako.

“Wait…Tom!” 

Fuck he just left the classroom! 

What the hell is his problem?!

I waited for him pero natapos na lang iyong oras ay hindi pa siya bumalik sa classroom naming. I was thinking that he’s going to cancel the rest of our class but to my surprise pumasok na siya sa susunod naming klase.

“Something urgent came. I’m sorry for being rude,” pagpaapaumanhin niya pero alam ko hindi lang iyan ang rason kung bakit niya ako iniwan kanina.

“It’s okay…”

He chooses free conversation for our class now so hindi talaga kami magkakaroon ng normal na klase. We’re just going to talk for the rest of our time.

“Anyway, how’s your board exam?”

Now that he reminded me that parang gusto kong matunaw na lang. 

“I don’t really know. I wasn’t expecting some of the questions. It’s so frustrating.”

“So, that’s the reason why you’re not teaching recently?”

“Yeah. I felt like I’m drained, and could not function anymore. The exam was just so traumatizing,” saad ko.

“When was the last time you feel so alive?”

Natigilan ako sa tanong niya. Why is he suddenly asking me this one?

“I’m happy right now.”

He smirked. “Princess, my question is when was the last time you feel so alive. I mean real happiness.”

I couldn’t speak. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot ko. Kailan ng aba no’ng huling beses na sobrang saya ko na pakiramdam ko buhay na buhay ako?

“I know you’re happy, but don’t you think something is missing?”

Nanliit ang mga mata ko. “Are you going to tell me that romantic love is missing in my life and it’s you who can give me that?” walang alinlangan kong usad.

His jaw dropped and start bursting into laugher.

“f**k! Wait!”

He shook his head and start speaking in mandarin. He couldn’t stop himself from laughing. Seems like someone is there also since he keeps talking in mandarin.

“English please!” I said at talagang pinanlakhan ko pa siya ng mga mata.

“I’m sorry, babe. You just look so cute when you’re annoyed,” he winked after.

I rolled my eyes at him and he just bit his lower lip after.

“Damn, woman. I miss this kind of moment with you.”

“You called me babe, then now a woman? Are you on drugs?”

He neared his face to the camera kaya full view na ang mukha niya sa screen ko.

“Well, how should I call you then? Wife?”

I narrowed my eyes at him. 

We’re too close to each other that even if we’re in class we can throw jokes like this. 

“You womanizer!”

Someone laughed from the background and I recognized that voice. It’s Jacky! 

Tom laughed again. Inatras niya ang upuan niya sabay taas ng dalawa niyang kamay. “Hold on, missy. You’re going overboard. Since when did you saw me hitting a woman? I’m a wholesome boy.”

“Wholesome? Is that word even applicable to you? You’ve got 35 girlfriends in total, not including your flings and you call yourself wholesome.” I really give emphasis to the last word as I raised my hands in the air to quote it.

The deep dimples of Tom’s left cheek appeared when he tries to smirk while biting his pinkish lip. This moron looks so lethal when his dimple is showing. Iyong itsura niya kasi ngayon bagong gupit tapos nakaitim na shirt pa. Iyong kilay niya pa sing kapal ng mukha niya.

I heard another familiar laugher and this time he has the guts to show his face. I was right. Jacky was there. From being skinny, his body becomes bolder now. He still has his jet black hair. He became more attractive than before.

“Hi, Princess. Long time no see!” he said.

I waved my hand and smiled at him. “Been a while, Jacky. So glad to see you again.”

Like a dagger, Tom’s eyes landed on Jacky then on me. He raised his brow at me as if he’s giving me a ‘aren’t you done saying hi?’

Tom pointed his two eyes then pointed the camera with the same fingers he used as if he’s telling me that ‘I can see you, woman. So you behave.’

I raised my eyebrow at him. 

“Magselos nang naaayon sa label,” I mumble pero narinig niya.

“What?” kunot noo niyang tanong.

“I just said you’re handsome,” pagkukunwari ko.

He suspiciously looks at me. “I think I just heard you saying, I love you, Tom. In your language.”

“Ha.ha.ha. that’s so funny,” I sarcastically said pero nagpipigil na rin ako ng ngiti.

“Ok tell me, how do you say I love you in your language?”

“Mahal kita,” sabi ko.

Ngumiti naman siya nang nakakaloko. “Mahal din kita,” he said in an accent. 

Napailing ako.

“Ayiie kilig ikaw.”

Putangina! Sinong nagturo sa kanyang magtagalog?

“Sanaol Princess mahal!”

I burst into laughter. 

“Sanaol happy!” dagdag niya pa at hindi ko na talaga mapigilan ang sarili ko humalakhak nang todo. It’s been so long since I laugh this hard. 

Ito iyong namiss ko sa kanya. May pagkatarantado kasi itong lokoloko kaya puro kami kalokohan sa virtual classroom.

“Easy easy, you might fall in love with me.”

I just laugh with my heart’s content until I recover.

“You always surprise me, Tom.”

“I tried studying your language while you’re away.”

“Why? Because you’re bored?” usisa ko.

“Partly, yes. And I just want to impress a Filipina. Did it work?”

Napasapo ako sa noo ko at pilit na tinatago ang ngiting unti-unti nang sumisilay muly. I nodded my head, then said. “Yes, it worked.” 

“Anyway, I found a publishing house and they’re looking for some writers. You like writing, right? Can you go back to writing now?”

Natigilan ako. I realized something. It’s been so long since the last time I’ve written something, and I could not even remember how it feels to write some stories anymore. Bakit nga ba ako tumigil sa pagsusulat noon? Dahil ba busy ako? No…I lost my appetite to write. That’s it.

“Hey!” He snapped his fingers. “What do you think?”

“I don’t think if I can write again…” mahina kong sabi.

“What’s the matter? Why can’t you write again?”

“I don’t know. I just can’t…” I said.

He shook his head. “Listen.” Sumeryoso bigla ang mukha niya at para bang pakiramdam ko nasa harapan ko na siya mismo at hindi virtually lang.

“You have to make a habit for you to continue writing again. You can’t really write anything if you’ll continue procrastinating,” dagdag niya pa.

“I’ve done that. But it didn’t work. It seems like I ran out of ink already,” I said in a weak tone.

“Then let me be your ink.”

I furrow my forehead. “Pardon?”

“Make me your inspiration.”

“How could I make you an inspiration if you always do is to piss me off during the class!”

He chuckled. Then put his left hand on his chest where his heart resides, and acted like he’s hurting. 

“Ouch! I didn’t really have good memories with you?”

I pouted my lips. “It’s all good memories, actually. But I don’t know if that would really make a good story.”

“Wow. I’ve spent a thousand dollars just for us to talk and now you’re telling me that our memories are not worth it?”

“Wait, I did not say that!”

“It’s just the same.” He even rolled his eyes at me.

This half-Japanese-Taiwanese is really trying to push my button. Grrr…

“Ok… I will try writing again.” Since I really want to write again also. “But will it work?”

“The what?” kunot noo niyang tanong.

I pointed him with my index finger.  “You being my inspiration. I wonder if that would really work.”

His sexy smirk flashes again. “Well, trust your talent and your love for me. You can make a wonderful piece,” he said.

“Love for you? You’re being delusional again.”

“Tsk. You know what. You do not need to pretend that you don’t like me. I know I’m charming enough to get your attention.”

Ewan, sa lahat ng naging studyante koi to talaga iyong may pinakamakapal na mukha eh.

“Whatever!” I made a face after pero tinawanan niya lang ako.

“Starting tomorrow, you have to write something and let me be your critic.”

“Are you serious, you don’t like reading stories, right?”

“Well, people changed. I want to have a new hobby now. And that’s your goal, if you can make me love reading then you’re an effective writer.”

Ewan ko kung ano ang pumasok sa isipan ko pero pinatos ko ang hamon niya. It could actually benefit me so I’ll grab it.

Just like what he wants, we keep seeing each other every night. We started with short stories. He would give me his opinion after and would ask me to edit it again. It’s just tough for me dahil English lang ang pwede kong isulat kasi iyon lang ang language na common sa amin. 

He has a good command of English kaya pati grammar ko nagigisa niya minsan. Sa simula I can actually see him not really interested in my works but after a week I can see progress in him. Kung noon parang pinipilit niya lang ang sarili niya na makarelate sa mga kwento ko ngayon ay may iilang emosyon na akong nakikita sa kanya. Seems like Tom is now hooked to my story. Iyan kasi iyong pinakamahirap na bagay na dapat ma posses ng isang akda. When you're writing a story, you have to make sure that your reader can relate to and feel the story. And I think I've succeeded in that already, just by seeing his reaction now.

Just now, I let him read my two part short story. First part pa iyong nababasa niya at bukas ko na isusulat iyong karugtong.

“Who killed Mason?” tanong niya.

“Who do you think?”

“I’m not sure but I think is Cassandra.”

“Well, just wait for my update then you’ll know.”

“Uhm… Can’t you just give me a little clue or just narrate what will happen next to the story, please.”

I smirk. “Nope. You wait. Case closed.”

“But.”

I raised my left hand in the air to hush him.

“No buts!”

Nagkatitigan kaming dalawa. Defeated he just lay his back on his chair. It’s already 1 AM and we’re still having our class. This is the sixth class for today actually.

“You’ve written a lot of short stories already, what’s your plan with your novels?”

Sinandal ko ang ulo ko sa headrest ng upuan ko.

“I’ve written some parts of my pending stories. I’m almost done writing my other novel, and I’m writing another one again. I just haven’t told you yet because I want to finish it all first before telling you my progress but since you’ve asked, I just spilled it.”

I smiled at him and so is he to me. 

“You glow differently when you’re truly happy.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Even if you’re not smiling I can feel your happiness. I’m so proud of you.”

“Awwie that’s so sweet.”

“In love ka na?”

I chuckled. “Not yet. Try harder.”

Tumango-tango naman ang loko-loko.

So my routine changes. I write my stories during the daytime and start working from 2 pm until midnight. And honestly, I’ve never been this happy and alive while writing a story and working at the same time. Tamang time management lang pala talaga ang kailangan.

Of course, hindi ko naman inaabuso ang sarili ko at minsan lumalabas din ako ng bahay. It’s not my idea actually, it’s Tom’s idea. Ewan ko kung anong meron pero napapasunod niya ako. Just a week ago, I went shopping and we had a video call. So parang kasama ko siya sa lakad ko.

I sometimes hang out with my friends, because Tom told me to unwind sometimes. Because according to him, no matter how busy I am I should not forget to prioritize myself. 

Minsan din lumalabas ako mag-isa. Me day ko kumbaga. You know, dating myself, and he likes that certain thing. And whenever I take myself on a date he always asks me as to how did I spent it and if it’s worthwhile. 

I’ve never shared so many things with someone actually pero ewan, pagdating sa kanya parang gusto kong ikwento lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay ko. 

Pero hindi sa lahat ng oras palaging nandiyan iyong taong tulad niya. Everything in this world is limited. Even Tom’s time for me has a limit. But I understand the situation. He has his own life as well.

“I think I cannot join your class in the meantime. We’ll be very busy with work and my studies.” He’s calling me through messenger.

Pretending I am strong enough to accept the situation I smiled at him. “I understand. You have priorities, of course.”

“Man this is hard.”

I heard some waves of laughter and some of those were own by a woman, I didn’t react but Tom reacted to it and said something in mandarin.

“My colleagues are here. Don’t worry I’m not interested in them.”

“I did not ask.”

He bit his lower lip as he shut his eyes as if he realized something.

“I just want to say that.”

“Okay… Stay safe, then.”

I used in talking to him all the time and now that he’s so busy, my life seems so dull, but not as dull as before. Normal na maninibago ako kasi sanay ako na nandyan siya parati. 

But I still proceeded with my life as I want it to be. I continued my daily routine. I still date myself and do all the necessary things to show everyone how I love myself.

I sometimes travel alone to the local area amidst this pandemic just to have my own space. Minsan kasi kailangan din natin ng alone time to process everything in our life. Kailangan din naman kasi nating huminga minsan.

Dati I was wondering what is still missing in my life kasi nga may trabaho ako, may tapat na kaibigan, may mapagmahal na pamilya, malusog at buhay na buhay. Akala ko romantic love iyong kulang eh. Pero nakalimutan ko na ang pinakaimportanting bagay pala na dapat hindi mawala sa akin ay ang pagmamahal sa sarili. I worked so hard before that I forgot to acknowledge my own. 

Obstacles will always be present in our lives, not only in our twenties, but no matter what, we should always brace ourselves because it's better to lose some people than losing yourself. Because people just come and go, you can still find some better replacement for them but once you lose yourself you're already on the edge, it's too difficult to pull your shits back together again. That's why, while it's still early, we must prioritize ourselves more than anyone else, because, at the end of the day, we only have ourselves. 

To be continued...

Your feedbacks are very much appreciated.