In our twenties

In our twenties: learn to be rational

In our twenties: learn to be rational

Time flies quickly, and now it’s March already. Binuka ko ang payong ko at saka binaktas ang napakainit na daan patungo sa building ng opisina namin.

The pandemic is still here and the case is just getting worst day by day. As for me and Aslani, we never got the chance to talk after our last class. Mag-iisang buwan na rin. We’re still friends on sss but I did not bother myself sending him any messages first anymore. I would just reply if he has any questions or if he would greet me. And I think I’m fine now… Hopefully.

I snowed myself with work these past few weeks. Working for almost 12 hours a day just to earn money, since I want to quit working in the office because it’s getting toxic. I could not handle the firm and unjust policy of our company so I decided to quit soon. 

It’s too difficult to explain my situation in the office but everyone there is required to change shifting hours every week. You work the night shift for a week, without a proper break, then work as day shift on the next week, and the cycle goes on. Basically, it’s not healthy, both physically and mentally. I am not happy with my work anymore because of the environment.

Minsan talaga, darating tayo sa ganitong punto ng buhay natin. Iyong kailangan mong magdesisyong manatili sa isang trabaho kahit hindi ka na masaya kasi wala ka namang ibang choice. Pero ayaw kong magsisi sa huli. Bakit kailangan kong magtiis sa isang bagay na hindi naman nakapagpapasaya sa akin, aksaya lang sa oras.

Some people say quitting is for losers but for me, quitting the things that harm your mental health is worth it. You quit not because you can no longer handle it, but because you want a piece of mind, and that doesn't make you a loser. Quitting doesn't make us weak. May mga bagay lang kasi talaga sa buhay na kailangan na nating bitawan kasi wala naman ng patutunguhan. Why settle for less if you can give yourself the best, right? 

May pera ka nga, hindi naman worth it ang buhay mo. Kaya dapat, hanggat maaga pa, piliin dapat natin iyong mga bagay na nagpapasaya sa atin.

“Sigurado ka na rito?” tanong ng manager naming nang ibigay ko ang resignation letter ko.

Ngumiti ako at saka tumango.

“Yes… Bakit? Mamimiss mo ako?” biro ko.

“Syempre!”

Ngumiti na lang ako.

“Thank you, sir. Di ko malilimutan iyong pagtrain mo sa akin. Salamat sa opportunity.”

And just that, my responsibility in their center ended, but I did not regret my decision because another opportunity had opened for me. After applying again to the same ESL Company as a home-based teacher, I was accepted and given a chance to work from home, and my days as a home-based teacher were so smooth. I am now away from toxic people, which improves my mental health.

While I am busy finishing my dinner in front of my computer I just received a notification that a student has booked my class, and to my horror, it’s Aslani. 

Since I have no grievance against him I conducted a class with him. He waved at me the moment my video flashes, and I smiled back. He’s freshly shaved and his hair is freshly trimmed. He looks so neat, but not attractive enough to make me go crazy again. I stared at him for a while. I tilted my head.

He doesn’t look attractive to my eyes now compare to before that even if he didn’t take a bath for a week he would still look fresh. Seems like I’ve gathered my shits back together again. 

“It’s been a while. How are you doing?” I asked.

“I’m fine. You?”

“I’ve been doing great, and I like my life now. I’m happy.” I smiled after.

“You’re still beautiful as always,” he complimented.

I smile sweetly. “Well, thank you!”

Usually, I will feel so glad and feel like some butterflies are tingling my stomach whenever he compliments me but right now, I don’t feel those things anymore. It’s just a mere compliment to me now.

He was like a spring that warms my frozen heart. But the spring is now over, and the flowers have now withered. 

“You changed,” he commented suddenly.

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Why do you think so?”

“I just think… you’re weird today. It’s not like before.”

I chuckled. ‘Oh boy, so you’ve noticed? Of course, you were special to me before so I treated you special, but things are different now. I can no longer offer special treatment.’ –I wanted to tell him that but I just keep it on myself. That might hurt his ego.

“Did I?”

“Yeah.”

I shook my head.

With a guilty look in his eyes, he sincerely looked at me. 

Ano na naman ang drama nito?

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you saying sorry? Have you done me wrong?”

He shook his head. “I just feel that I need to be sorry to you.”

I smiled. This guy hasn’t experienced some things yet, but I know he’s a sincere person.

“If you have done nothing wrong, then there's nothing to be sorry about. But if you insist, you’re forgiven then.”

Aaminin ko parang may gap na nga talaga ngayon kumpara sa dati naming turingan. And I feel guilty for letting him feel this gap. But no matter how sorry I am, it's just too difficult to bring back things what has already been broken. 

Sometimes he wants to flirt with me during class, but I just ignored him and proceeded to the lesson. I don’t have time to entertain his game anymore. I don’t want to settle myself to someone who’s not sure about me. I don’t want to settle for someone who’s not consistent enough. 

Just by observing him, I realize he loves to play, or he just wants to flirt but has no plan on taking things seriously. And I’m so busy to buy what he wants.

As a professional, I still teach him every day and I still laugh at his jokes and we still enjoy the class. But I’ve set a boundary that we should not cross.

Later that night, I received another reservation from a new student. I am so beat up and I want to rest already but I have to attend this class first since I don’t want to cancel the reservation. Sayang naman, 80 pesos per 25 minutes ba naman kasi ang rate eh.

Just like my normal routine, I greeted the student with all my smiles, and when he smiled at me I felt like my world has slow motion. He has this black and shiny hair like those from anime. He’s a little bit skinny but that doesn’t make him less attractive. He has a not-so-angled jaw, pointed nose, and a chinky eyes like those from Japan. His name is Jacky, and he is a Taiwanese.

“Hi! Nice to meet you!” his soft and manly voice echoed into my ears.

“Hi, I’m Princess. Nice to meet you too, Jacky.”

Kanina pagod na pagod ako pero tila napawi iyong ngiti ko dahil sa ngiti niya. He's so kind, friendly, and a fast learner student. 

It's actually normal and I'm used to seeing handsome guys while working. Kasi naman, gwapo talaga halos mga studyante ko. Bet ko nga iyong iba kaya lang 'di naman nila ako bet. 

My class with jacky proceeded and ended properly just like how I ended my other classes. I was actually nervous having him in class because he asks so many questions and seems so focused on studying. 

I literally hate those students who are too focused on learning grammar, sila kasi iyong namamagsak. But, he's different from them. 

I don't know if he's coming back to my class since a day after we've met, I didn't encounter him again. But to my surprise, Jacky booked another two lessons with me until he becomes my regular student. We always have a class for at least an hour per day. 

And since he could not afford to reserve my class anymore, he asked for my f*******: account so we could chat about my schedule since he can still avail sudden classes. 

At first, it was tough for us to catch my schedule since I have some regular students who wanna have class in the afternoon. So the both of us agreed to meet every 10:30 until 11:30 in the evening. It became our daily routine, and he's always my last student. 

I never expected that he would become my regular student. He's new to the platform when we met, and because of my class, he decided to continue his journey in learning English. As a teacher, that feels me so happy. I just influenced him to study and embrace the language more. It's just so fulfilling. 

I told Jacky, one day, that he can enter another teacher's class once he couldn't catch my schedule but he refuses to take another teacher aside from me, and that makes me happier and special. 

Without any effort, Jacky would really catch my attention, not because he's handsome but because he's the only student who dared to have a debate with me every class. He can outsmart me but in a peaceful manner. I don't know how to explain, but I don't feel offended whenever I lose the argument or whenever he outsmarts me. 

I used to hate the textbook we're using because it's boring, but Jacky knows how to make the class fun and interesting. He's the only student who could pull that kind of spell during my class.

Usually, it's me who's gonna make the class entertaining, but it's the opposite in our case. 

I don't know if he's aware of it but he's so f*****g smart that sometimes I just wanna switch our roles and just be a mere student during our class. 

With Jacky, I found the comfort I've never felt from other students. I'm always excited to see him because of that, and guess what, we've been having a class for 3 months in a row and that's over 200 classes in total! 

"I don't think it's necessary for you to marry again. There are some single parents out there who were able to take good care of their children without any partner. You could do that also," he argued. We're having our usual topic talk debate or roleplay situation now. And I have to defend that I needed a new husband after getting a divorce. 

"But they are different. We're talking about my situation here. I love my children and I just want the best for them. Children growing with a complete family and father figure would be different and I want my children to experience such things. Ugh, I don't know if I'm making sense."

He chuckled. "You always make sense but wait. I will try to debunk your argument."

I pouted when he started throwing his arguments which all make sense. 

"I thought your brain could not function well now? Why are you still good?!" I was complaining just like a poor child who lost his tooth. 

"Just give up. I win!"

I laughed so hard. Both of us are very competitive. None of us would like to be defeated in any argument but sometimes we just forfeit the debate or sometimes draw the result if we both like each other's idea. We created a rule in our own classroom. We're basically not following the original lesson guide of the platform. Well, my class, my rule! 

One day, I was feeling ill and I couldn't conduct a class for a couple of days. For him not to wait for me to enter our class, I sent him a message through messenger. 

Me: Jacky, I'm sorry. I feel so ill today. Can we just have a class the next day? 

Jacky: it's fine. Take care. Get well soon. 

I smiled at his simple reply. 

I and him become closer to each other. He became the student who's very closed to me, in point that I told him about my failed dates already. And I am not dumb enough to not notice that I am having a crush on him, because who wouldn't be? He's very ideal. 

If I would have a boyfriend I want it to be him, but Jacky is just like an unreachable star not because we're miles apart but because Jacky is already committed to someone. He is in a long-term relationship with his girlfriend. And here I am with my poor heart crushing on him. 

Just like a normal girl crushing to someone, the moment I knew about it I kinda felt some pain that I shouldn't feel. 

But I do really like him much now. Should I confess? But I chose to be more rational than being an emotional one. I tried to equilibrate things. My confession wouldn't really do any good. It could make me feel better but I'm too afraid I might lose him instead, besides, he has a girlfriend it's just so wrong of me to feel this way. 

After a long inner debate I made, I decided to keep my own feelings for him, it's just admiration so I'm sure this will just fade soon, but I was wrong because the more I see Jacky the more I get to know him better and the more I admire him more. 

And I wonder why of all people, why Jacky? I mean, I could just fall for someone who's not committed yet, but why him? This is just so much torture for me because sometimes we would talk about how he spent his day with his girl, and as I listen to his story my stupid brain is silently wishing them to break up. 

I know it's just a stupid idea but I know I'm not the only one who's in this kind of dilemma. But I am not stupid enough to cause trouble. I think I'm fine watching him being happy with his life now even if I'm not part of it. 

 One-sided may it seems, but it's totally okay with me because I don't want to cause any trouble to him. It's my own fault anyway, thus I don't have any right to ruin what he has now. 

Every day I tried to convince myself that he is just being nice to me and I might just misinterpret that kindness. However, that's what I have thought only, for just like me Jacky started to question his emotions. 

"Why do you look so gloomy, Jack?" I asked sincerely. 

Ngumiti siya sa akin nang payak. Bumuntong hininga bago isinandal ang balikat sa upuan niya. 

"Give me an advice,"sabi niya nang nakapikit. 

Since I do not have any clue about his problem I just told him that I'll try my best to give him advice. 

"My friend has a girlfriend, but he is starting to like the company of someone he always hang around with," sabi niya. Ngayon nakatitig na siya sa akin. 

Ako naman ay tumitig din sa kanya. Pakiramdam ko ngayon wala kami sa virtual classroom kundi talagang magkaharap talaga. I've known him for 5 months already and this is the first time he's become so serious like this.

Usually, people used the phrase "friends problem" to cover up the real situation. I am not dumb enough to not notice that this advice he's asking is for himself and not really for someone else, but I have to go along with him. 

"How often is he seeing that girl?" 

"Every day." 

Shit! 

Tumahimik lang ako. 

"I don't know. He told me he's always happy whenever she's around. He's happy with his girlfriend of course, but he always feels excited to see that companion. Weird, isn't it?" 

I rested my back to my seat. Bumuntong hininga ako. I'm not stupid enough not to get what he meant by that. He might be referring to another woman but there's a chance that he's referring to me. 

"To what extent does your friend desire that girl, Jacky?" 

"I don't know… he just wants to know her more."

"But how about his girlfriend what would he do?" 

Maski ako napalunok sa sarili kong tanong. I like him, and he's starting to like me too. The odds are in my favor now. I could just grab this, but I am not that kind of woman. 

This man is confused and it's not time for me to ride on his emotion. 

"I… I don't know. He doesn't wanna lose her." 

Ngumiti ako. Natural, limang taon ba naman ang relasyon niyo malamang sa malamang hindi mo kakayanin. 

I want to be selfish at this moment. I could just stir this situation to make the tides on my favor but I don't want to ruin the relationship he has for so long. 

"He doesn't want to lose both of them…" he said. “But he can't afford to play his girlfriend's feelings, “he added. 

I wet my lips. I could just advise him to date me instead and just keep it a secret. But in a situation like this, I don't think cheating would be the best resort. I am not that cheap to be a side chick. 

"You know what, we can't hold some things together. You have to let go of the other one otherwise you'll lose both of them. Tell him that," I said. 

"You mean what?" 

Lumunok ako at pilit na ngumiti. Hell! How can I smile so genuinely even if I'm tearing apart inside? How far can I go? 

I took a deep breath. Ang hirap kasing sabihin dahil natatakot akong maiwan. I'm already used to his presence but I have to be selfless and rational this time. 

"He should end his ties with that woman. He should… stop seeing her." 

This might be the toughest decision I've made so far in my life but I'm sure I'll not be regretting this one. 

Silence enveloped us. There’s dead air for a couple of minutes. Then I heard his heavy breath. 

"I see… I'll tell him that."

We got 30 seconds left, and all I did is just stare at my monitor because this will be the last time I'll be seeing him so I have to memorize his face. 

"Good night, Princess. See you soon."

And for the last time, I smiled then replied. "Good night, Jacky. Stay safe. See you soon."

To be continued...

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