Everything Started on New Year's Eve

Confession

“Jaxx, Cars, sure you don’t want a lift?” Chino asked us for the third time as he slowly drove by us.

 “We’re good. Thanks, Chin. Goodnight!” I smiled and we waved at him.

 Since Jaxx came from work, he did not have time to change out of his light green button-down polo and khaki chinos. He looked attractive as he walked with his hands in his pockets as if nasa runway siya nagmomodel. I went to the party in an off-shoulder top and skinny jeans.

 It was the end of July so I was expecting the nights would still be warm, even though the rainy season will be starting soon. There was a light breeze and I shuddered as it blew. My hair was in a bun so nilugay ko na lang ito para may pansagang sa lamig. I put my hands on opposite arms and started rubbing them as subtly as possible. Napansin pala ito ni Jaxx and he wordlessly put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to him and rubbed my arm.

 I knew it was no the best time to fantasize about him or us but feeling his arms around me and being engulfed in his warmth, kahit kalahating katawan lang, was pure bliss. He was wearing that same perfume I smelled on him nung birthday ni Ace and I unconsciously snuggled closer and rested my head on his shoulder. I kept my hands on my arms and he rested his hand on mine when he stopped rubbing. He leaned his head closer to mine and asked, “Better?”

“Yes, thank you.”

We walked like that for the next couple of blocks and occasionally he would rub my arm when a breeze blew. No words were spoken between the two of us, but there was no need for words. Somehow, kahit kilig na kilig ako nung una, I felt calm and contented just walking in silence with him. While the physical warmth he provided was comfortable and calming, the warm feeling he gave my heart was truly maddening. I wanted for us to stay this way for a long time. Sana pala sa BF ako nakatira.

We passed by his house, then the playground where we first met. My house was just around the corner so I moved to make the turn but Jaxx pulled me back and walked both of us past my street. I was confused at first, but di na ako nakipag argue pa when he rested his chin on my head briefly and continued to walk. Without having to say a word, I knew he also did not want to let go just yet. I smiled at this thought and rested my head against his shoulder again.

Ano ba tong ginagawa namin? I just knew I would regret whatever was happening between us when he would leave but I just wanted to stay where I was right at that moment. I wanted to savor the moment, his arm around me and my head on his shoulder. 

After fifteen minutes of walking aimlessly around the village, he finally took me home. We stopped in front of our gate, uneasily standing in front of one another, still not wanting for the night to end but it was late and we had to be logical about this.

“Yeah, so, uhm, goodnight. This is you.” He was rocking, shifting his weight from the balls of his feet to the heels, and back again, his hands were back in his pockets. 

“Uh, yep. This is me. Thanks for walking me home.” I smiled nervously as I fished the house keys from my jean’s front pocket, yet not making a move to go to the gate. I looked at him and he was doing the same, staying put and just looking at me. Talk about the sudden awkwardness of the situation. It went from zero to 100 real fast.

Crickets. I heard crickets.

 God, I want to kiss him.

Oh crap, I have to leave before I do anything remotely irrational.

 “Well anyway, goodnight Jaxx. I’ll see you…. Around.” I nervously stammered and began to walk to the pedestrian gate. It was behind Jaxx so I had to walk past him but before I could he held my forearm lightly.

 “Wait, just..” he was nervous, I could tell. Ang lamig bigla ng palad nya, like -6 degrees cold. He looked up and closed his eyes before sighing and looking back down and turning his body to face me. He let go and shoved his hand into his pocket again.

 “Look, Cara. I hope you don’t get freaked out or anything, alright? It’s just that I’m not really used to this. Just give me a minute.” He smiled nervously and took deep breaths to calm himself down.

 I nodded hesitantly. “Dapat hindi ganyan intro mo, now I’m getting freaked out.” I joked tensely. He smiled and relaxed a little, breathing slower this time.

 “Anyway, I’ve been wanting to talk to you about this for some time now, but I just kept pushing it aside for the want of a better time. But it seems that each time I wanted to talk to you, something comes up.” he started, rubbing his eyebrows with his fingers. He was still a bit nervous but once he got the ball rolling, it was better.

 “We’ve known each other for more than half of our lives and we’ve been really great friends. We had a lot of fun times and I know I’ve gotten you into and out of trouble since the day we met. I was happy with our relationship, our friendship, but it’s just that lately… Oh f**k, why does it have to be so hard…dammit.” He stopped and pinched the bridge of his nose.

 Eto na. This is the talk that we’ve been putting aside since Ace’s birthday. Whatever he wanted to clarify, he’s gonna have to do it now kasi nga nga naman alis na sya in a week’s time. I was getting nervous and kita ko sa mukha nya na hindi rin sya mapalagay.

 “Sorry, Jaxx, let’s just cut to the chase. What did you want to talk about?” I tried my best to stay composed. He sighed and placed his hands on his hips.

“Us.”

Eto na naman tong lalaking ito e! Ang hilig mag-ambush interview ng hatinggabi sa labas ng bahay!

“Uh, what about us?” I looked away from his eyes.

Di ko kaya ang tindi ng tingin nya. Suddenly, nanuyo lalamunan ko. Nanlamig na naman mga kamay ko and my heart was beating louder and faster. Ano naman ang sasabihin ko sa kanya? Or worse, ano ang sasabihin niya sakin?

“Cara, look at me. I just needed to ask you if… ano… tayo.” He almost whispered the last part.

Hinawakan nga magkabilang balikat ko so I can’t turn away from him. Nakaharap na ako sa kanya but nakayuko ako. Hindi ko to kaya ang ginagawa nya, kailangan kong umatras at baka ma-hadouken sya ng puso ko na malapit nang kumawala sa dibdib ko.

Fuck! f**k, f**k!

“Jaxx, wala namang ‘tayo’ eh..” I lifted my head halfway but still not looking at him.

“I know. I know that Scarlet, but.. is there a chance..”  he bent lower to look at my face before enclosing it in his hands and lifting it so that my eyes met his. “na  magkaroon ng ‘tayo’?”

Oh my goodness gracious panginoon ng ulan at talahib tulungan nyo po ako! Yes, Jaxx, yes! 

Pero di ako makakilos! I could not believe my ears and my heart, oh no, nag e atrial fibrillation na ata ako! I kept staring into his eyes, lost in the sincerity and the ocean of emotions in them. His eyes were vivid and light but this pupils were wide and it seemed like my ability to speak and breathe were sucked into this black hole. Pati yung ability to process my thoughts is slowly leaving me. The only remaining coherent words I saw floating around my head were:

Sagutinmona!                                                                                Yes!

Oo.

Wagkangtangacarasagutinmosya!                                      YesJax!

Magsalitaka!                                                               #CarJack

“Scarlet, pwede bang maging ‘tayo’?” Jaxx’s voice was now more quite, I could feel the fear and want in it. I felt his hands tremble as he held my face. Bigla syang mas nanlamig pa to -21 degrees. 

“O-oh. Oo n-naman.”

He gasped. The fear was still there but it was quickly replaced by surprise and hope.

“When?”

Oh my f*****g goodness! Kailangan nya ba talagang itanong yan?! Hindi na nga ako halos makahinga, I can hardly think and I can barely even look at him, and then ayan magtatanong sya ng kung anu-anong katarantaduhan? Jaxx! Anuba?

“Now? Right now?”

Lord, ano ba tong si Benedict Jackson! Pinapatay na ako hindi ko man lang sya masagot-sagot!

I closed my eyes and nodded, a small smile forming on my lips. I put my hands on the front of his shirt and pulled him closer. I could feel the erratic and strong beating of his heart against the back of my hand. My smile broadened and I released the breath I was holding. When I opened my eyes, I saw him looking deeply into my eyes before moving his gaze down to my slightly parted lips. Hawak-hawak nya pa rin mukha ko between his hands when he pulled my face closer to his and tilted my head a little further. He very slowly closed the distance between us and my eyes fluttered closed.

Ang tagal kong naghintay, parang ten years. I was about to open my eyes kasi baka nananaginip lang ako and he was just staring at me. But that’s when I felt his breath on my lips.

And then I felt it, his lips, soft and warm, smooth and sweet like those huge fluffy marshmallows in hot cocoa lightly pressing on my lips, hesitating at first. When he realized that I would not slap him, he pressed his lips further. Malayo pa ang Pasko but he tasted like peppermint mocha with candy sprinkles and Irish cream. Tingles exploded simultaneously throughout my body, starting from my lips and my chest spreading like wildfire. I wanted more but hindi na kinaya ng puso ko, nag ventricular fibrillation na  nga ata talaga ako: nahilo ako at tuluyan nang bumigay ang mga tuhod ko.

 Buti na lang I was holding on to his shirt kaya hindi naman nya ako accidentally napugutan ng ulo. He immediately wrapped on of his arms around my shoulder and pulled me tightly to his firm chest.

 Mga enkanto ng kalikasan bakit kailangang ito mangyari? Literal na nga akong natunaw sa halik nya, now I have to endure his chest and his scent!

 Natatawa sya while supporting my weight and helping me up. I could hear his heart racing behind his manly, muscular pecs – Cara stop it! – while I felt my entire face and ears burn. Feeling ko kaharap ko ang isang blazing bonfire just one foot away. Ang init!

 When I was finally back on my two feet, he hugged me tight and started to sway a little to the sides. I hugged his waist and rested my head on his chest. His heart was still beating fast and hard but has begun to slow down. I think na cardiovert na rin ang puso ko after the embarrassment.

He rested his cheek on the top of my head and continued to sway a little. We stayed like that for a little while longer, not saying a word, until both our heartbeats calmed down. A few moments later he pulled away at last and planted a lingering kiss on my forehead just as blinding lights focused on us na para bang may headlights biglang nakatutok sa amin. He slowly let go of me at humarap sya sa pinanggalingan ng ilaw.

 “What the..?” Jaxx asked as he tried to minimize the glare with his hand. I did the same. Then nakita ko ang source ng ilaw: headlights nga ito. Ng kotse ni Daddy.

 I instinctively pushed Jaxx away as he also managed to step away quickly. Hindi ko na alam kung anong kailangan kong i-entertain na emotion first: kilig dahil sinagot ko si Jaxx, embarrassment ksi I had literally almost fallen on my feet, hiya dahil nahuli kami ni dad na nagyayakapan sa harap ng gate at midnight like forbidden lovers, or takot dahil of all people to catch Jaxx kissing me, si Dad pa.

 My dad got open the door and partially stepped off the vehicle, one foot on the pavement, the other still inside the car. He did not give say anything but he gave Jaxx an icy glare that could freeze my burning face in no time. He threw me his keys to the gate and got back inside. Nagkandarapa naman kami sa pagbukas ng gate for him. When he was properly parked, we were greeted by another surprise: mom stepped out of the passenger side and looked at me sternly, though I swore I could have seen the corners of her mouth tilt up and suppress a smile. But si Mom yun, my eyes must be playing tricks on me.

 My dad cleared his throat before anyone of us could speak. “Benedict. Inside. Now.”