Epiphany

Timendi causa est nescire (1)

ignorance is the cause of fear

HANNAH

"This is so unlike my brother," Selene whined while we're lounging on the receiving area of the presidential suite of the hotel Vanya booked for us to stay the night. 

"And it is so like my brother," Vanya laughed while swirling the content of her wine glass. She's comfortably seated on the large couch with the drunk Oceane beside her. 

When Selene decided to call it a day, hinanap n'ya agad si Carrack at nalaman mula sa personal bodyguard nito na Henry na umalis na ang kapatid n'ya at ibinilin na lang kami sa mga tauhan n'ya para masigurado na ligtas na makakauwi. 

Carrack and Rayleigh went to Japan. 

"Ah! Finally," Selene said while facing her phone. "You answer your f*****g phone, asshat!" gigil na sabi ni Selene. 

All I do was to look at her direction. 

I feel dead inside. I can't shake off the disappointed look on Carrack's face. 

Hurt and betrayal. 

I felt my lips quivering and I quickly wipe my tears away before anyone notice them. 

"What the f**k?!" bungad ni Selene sa tinawagan n'ya. She's not drunk pero mukhang nakainom si Selene. She's cursing a lot which she's not been doing the past days. 

"What's your problem?" I heard Ryle's amused laughed on the other line. Selene's talking on a loudspeaker kaya naririnig namin ang kausap n'ya. 

"Saan mo na naman dinala ang Kuya ko?" galit na tanong ni Selene. 

"We're here for business," Ryle chuckled. 

"Business my ass," Selene hissed.

"No. I don't like your ass," Ryle laughed. He's drunk. It's obvious. "This ass here is my business." 

I gasped when I heard a woman's giggle after a slapping sound. 

"Yuck! You're such a pig!'

Ryle laughed. "What can I do? It's a gift. Why would I turn down a fine gift."

"I can't call my brother. Nasaan si Carrack?" 

"Enjoying his gift?" Ryle laughed. 

"He's not like you," annoyed, Selene answered. 

Rayleigh laughed. Halatang parehong lasing ang dalwang magkausap. 

"We can't be sure about that Selene," Ryle said. "Anyway, you're wasting my time. Why don't you try and call Icen. He's with us when we flew here." 

Selene made a sound similar to a growl when Rayleigh hang up on her. 

"Do you really expect na makakausap mo nang matino yang kapatid ko?" Vanya chuckled. 

"Rayleigh always answer his phone," Selene rolled her eyes. "And she's my brother's b***h. Palagi s'yang nakadikit kay Carrack." 

The two women laughed at the remark. 

Hindi ko magawang makisali sa kanila. My head is throbbing at the thought that Carrack is also spending his time with his 'gift'. And he's doing that because he's mad at me. He's hurt with my denial. I can feel the constriction on my chest. 

We had a perfect day. What we shared... the intimacy we shared was as great as making love. But I ruined it. I hurt him. 

Inaabuso ko na iniintindi n'ya ako. Even I was unreasonable and illogical form him, he's trying to understand and support me. And I abused it. I abused him. 

I love him but I keep on hurting him. 

Selene made another call. I am already at the verge of breaking down. Wala na akong kagalaw-galaw. Kahit ang paghinga ang tinitipid ko dahil alam ko na kaonting galaw at iiyak na ako nang tuluyan. 

"Are you with Carrack?" Selene asked on her phone. "Let's videocall," Selene said then tore her phone from her ear.

Ang unang narinig na tunog mula sa cellphone ni Selene ay ang tunog ng pagtama ng kung ano sa isang bakal. 

"Where are you?" Selene asked. "Where in Japan?"

"Batting center." It was Icen's voice. 

"Bakit biglang nawala si Kuya? Bakit 'di nagpaalam?" 

I almost jumped on my seat when Selene looked at my direction. 

"It was whimsical," Icen replied. He cleared his throat. "There were gifts sent by an investor to the HQ and Rayleigh decided to take those."

"Women," Selene said in a monotone. 

I can almost imagine Icen's shrug. 

"And you're with them because?"

"Carrack took me. He said I could enjoy his share." 

"And you're not?" Selene chuckled. 

"I did. I was done."

"Gross." 

Icen laughed. "What's wrong with asking them to watch our match?"

"Match?"

"Kendo," Icen said. 

"Oh. I bet Carrack won."

"As always." Icen said. "Then I f****d them girls."

"Gross!" Selene shrieked. 

Icen laughed. "Carrack refused to touch any of them. Said he's too mad to limit his beast."

"Hm," Selene sighed. "He's never s*x-starve like Ryle"

"He's really mad, Selene." Icen chuckled. "He's been batting for almost an hour now."

"Oh, whatever it is. He'll get over it." Selene said. 

"I'll hang up." 

After her call, Selene decided to call it a day. Naiwan sila Oceane at Vanya sa receiving area nang pumasok na kami ni Selene sa kwarto para sa amin. 

"I wasn't around when Carrack left. May nangyari ba?" Selene asked. 

"I'm sleepy," I answered instead then went to the bathroom. Inside I cried my heart out. 

Three weeks. I haven't seen or heard from Carrack for three long agonizing weeks. 

I am slowly losing my mind. Wala akong gana sa kahit na anong bagay. I am simply waiting for days to pass. And for Carrack to finally answer my calls. 

"No!" I snapped at Stella. She's insisting her ideas on me. Again. 

My cousins area planning to pair me up again. And I am not a bit pleased for their plan. And I have enough. 

Kitang-kita ko ang gulat sa mga mata ng mga pinsan ko. 

"I have enough of all of you! I said no. No. I am not doing whatever you ask me to do. Leave me alone," I almost hiss then I walked out on them. 

Ikinulong ko ang sarili ko sa kwarto at hinayaan ko ang mga luha ko na malayang tumulo. 

I should have freed myself long before. Sana noon ko pa nahanap ang ganitong lakas ng loob at tapang para tanggihan ang mga pinsan ko. Sana noon pa. Noong hindi ko pa natulak si Carrack palayo. 

I feel miserable without him. Pakiramdam ko ang masisira na ang ulo ko kung patuloy pa n'ya akong iignorahin. I need to at least hear his voice. 

I heard from Selene that Carrack has been staying in Japan to take care of his business. Si Xyz sana ang pupunta doon but Carrack volunteered himself. 

And I think that he did what he did because he wanted to get away from me. 

And I feel so stupid ang miserable. 

Few more days passed and I feel like I am slowly being pulled back into the shadows. I've been skipping school and I refused to see any of my cousins. I am back on my lifeless self. 

Carrack is my light now. And he's far from me. He doesn't want me anymore. 

And as a blessing she'll always will be, Selene shed some light on my darkness once more. 

"I'm sure you'll love this!" Selene said while we're boarding the plane. 

Sa tingin ko ay walang alam si Selene sa mga nangyayari sa akin noong mga nakaraang araw. I know that nobody wants to worry her about my social withdrawal. She's busy on her career and the animal shelter she's starting. There's also an upcoming surprise wedding for her. Kaya kahit na nag-aalala si Mommy sa akin, she didn't seek for Selene's help. 

Bumalik lang ang buhay sa akin nang bigyang ako ng pag-asa ni Selene. We're having a vacation on Japan. And she said we'll be with Carrack. 

I feel like floating in the clouds while waiting for the days to pass. At last, I'll see him again. At last, I can talk to him again. 

And I will beg him to give us another chance. 

Wala na akong pakielam pa sa ibang bagay. I'll fight for him. I will show the world how much I love him. 

But all my hope died when he laid his cold eyes on me. 

Gone was the warm and gentle gaze he's always giving me. He's stoic and cold. Even Selene's bubbliness is not doing its wonders to melt his coldness. 

"One month in here and you solidified the businessman in you?" Selene teased his brother. 

Carrack sighed. "I am always like this."

"I am not a fool," Selene said. "Can you bring my brother back please? Hannah has been depressed for uncertain reasons and I really want her to enjoy this trip. Your businessman self might be needed in your company, but what I need now is my caring brother."

I heard Selene and Carrack talking. Kararating lang namin at nagpaalam ako na gagamit lang ng banyo. Mukhang hindi nila namalayan na nakabalik na ako kaya pinag-uusapan nila ako. 

"She have her cousins to cheer her up. I am not a clown, Selene," Carrack said in a stern voice. 

"Stella told me that Hannah snapped and shouted at them. And after that she's always locking herself up in her room. Kahapon ko lang din nalaman na hindi na s'ya pumapasok sa school. She's slowly walking to the path she once struggled to get out of. And I need your help."

Silence stretched. 

"Fine."

Selene happily shrieked. "I know you can never say no to that."

I decided to let my presence known after a minute. 

"How's your flight?" Carrack asked. It's not as cold as before but he sounded forced. No hint of concern or warmth. 

Has he given up on us? 

It's been almost a month. Maybe he did. 

I was so stupid. 

I bit my lower lip and bowed my head to keep myself from crying. 

"It was fine," Selene answered. 

I kept my silence until we reached the hotel Selene booked for us. She got us a two-bedroom suite. She said she needed  a little privacy. I didn't complain because I also need my personal space. To cry myself. 

Gabi na kami nakarating ng Japan kaya nang matapos ang hapunan ay nagdesisyon kami na magpahinga na muna at bukas na simulang mamasyal. Nagsabi rin si Carrack na may imporate s'yang kailangang tapusing trabaho. 

That night, I cried myself to sleep. 

I was so stupid, kaya nawala sa akin ang mahal ko. I was a coward and a fool so I lose my chance to be happy. 

I was almost dragging myself the next day. I don't know what else to expect. If Carrack will be nice to me today, it will be out of pity. 

"I'm so sorry," Selene said, almost teary. 

"What else can we do?" Carrack raised a brow the ruffled her sister's hair. 

Dahil sa trabaho at emergency online meeting ni Selene, kaming dalawa na lang ni Carrack ang tumuloy sa planong pamamasyal ngayon. 

"I-It's alright if you don't want to go. I-I can stay on my room," I said in a small voice. 

"I don't want to upset my sister. At isa pa, na-cancel ko na ang lahat ng appointments ko. Andito na lang din naman tayo, bakit hindi pa natin gawin?" he said with his serious tone. He's so cold and distant. 

I bit my lip. I can't even look at him. I know my heart will break if I take another glance on his cold expression. 

Nauna na s'yang naglakad palabas ng hotel kaya tahimik na sumunod na lang ako sa kanya. 

May driver s'yang dala at may bodyguard s'ya na nagbukas ng pinto ng sasakyan para sa amin. Pinauna n'ya akong sumakay bago s'ya pumasok ng sasakyan. 

Una kaming naghanap ng makakainan ng almusal. Carrack brought me in a cafe. It was a cute and cozy place. But I failed to appreciate the place and the food because I am swallowed with my regret and misery. 

I am mindlessly walking behind Carrack as we toured the Universal Studios. I can't even let myself enjoy this. This time of being with him. And he's as uninterested. 

He kept on sighing. Like he's rather be on other place. 

"A-Ayoko nang mamasyal," I said. "I'll just go back to the hotel and you can go back to your business," I said, still bowing my head. "Don't worry. I'll simply tell Selene that I got a stomachache so I went back."

But Carrack went on walking so I have no other option but to follow him.