Epiphany

Ubi amor, ibi dolor

Where there's love, there's pain.

HANNAH 

The sound of a ringing phone broke the silence of the room. Carrack moved behind me. Hindi ko alam kung nakatulog din ba s'ya tulad ko. 

I panicked and I don't know what to do. I feel so embarrassed! 

Narinig ko ang paghikab ni Carrack at naramdaman ko ang pagbangon n'ya. Malamang na sasagutin n'ya ang tawag sa cellphone n'ya.

"Han," Carrack gently called then I felt his hand on my arm. 

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin o sasabihin ko. I ended up pretending to be sleeping. 

Another yawn then I felt Carrack leaving the bed. 

"Yes?" Carrack answered the phone. "We're on our way. Calm your balls." 

Nakarinig ako ng pagsara ng pinto so I assumed that Carrack went inside the bathroom. 

Napaupo ako sa kama at napayakap ako sa mga tuhod ko. My skim still feel warm and sensitive. Parang nararamdaman ko pa rin ang mga haplos at halik ni Carrack sa akin. 

Nakagat ko ang ibabang labi ko at impit na napatili. I can't believe we did those things! I can't believe that I was that easy. But I don't regret it. 

Because I am in love with Carrack. 

"Hey," Carrack's gentle voice made me raise my head to his direction. "How are you feeling?" he smiled. 

I bit my lip then I looked away. I am sure that I am blushing. 

"E-Embarrassed." I shut my eyes as I recall how loud I moaned and how my body reacted to him. 

Carrack chuckled then he sat beside me on the bed. He pulled my head until I am facing him. My eyes can't meet him. "I figure you'd say that," he sweetly smiled at me then he dropped three gentle pecks on my lips. "They're waiting for us."

I nodded then I looked away again. Narinig ko ang mahinang halakhak ni Carrack bago s'ya tumayo mula sa pagkakaupo. He helped me up then I went to his bathroom. 

"I got you a dress from my car," Carrack said from the other side of the door. 

"Thanks," I replied kahit na hindi ko alam kung narinig n'ya ba. 

I went to the sink then washed my face. When I looked at myself at the mirror, I smiled at the gentle glow radiating from me. 

I took a quick shower then I dried my hair. I have a traveling bag on Carrack's car which contain dresses and other things. Kapag kasi susunduin ako ni Carrack galing school at may lakad kami, naiilang ako na naka-uniform ako kaya nag-iwan na lang ako ng ilang damit sa sasakyan n'ya para makapagbihis ako. 

I wore an sheer sleeves black off-shoulder dress. Stella would say that this doesn't suit for clubbing but still better than a pair of shorts and poloshirt. I let my hair down. 

Nakabihis na si Carrack at naghihintay na sa akin sa sala nang matapos akong mag-ayos. 

He got a big smile when he saw me. "Shall we?" he asked then showed me his arm. 

I nodded then slightly smile. 

Carrack lead me out his unit. He placed his hand on the small of my back while we walked towards the lift lobby. 

This feels good but I can't help but worry that somebody might see us. 

"C-Carrack..." I gently called. "B-baka may makakita sa atin. I'm not ready to g-go public," pahina nang pahinang sabi ko. 

Carrack fell silent until we reached his car. Pasulyap-sulyap ako sa kanya pero diretso sa harap lang ang tingin n'ya at seryoso ang mukha. Nakaalalay pa rin naman s'ya sa akin at pinagbukas n'ya ako ng pinto ng sasakyan. Nang makapwesto na s'ya sa driver's seat at mabuksan na ang makina, isang buntong hininga ang pinakawalan n'ya at saka bumaling sa akin. 

"We almost made love," he said with a frown. 

I caught my breath then I bowed my head. 

"I don't get you, Hannah," Carrack sighed. His frustration was evident on his tone. "You said you love me but you don't want people to know about us!"

"I-I'm... sorry," I said, almost crying. "I'm not yet ready," I admitted. "I can't explain why, but I'm not yet ready to let them know. Especially my family. Pakiramdam ko ma-su-suffocate ako sa magiging reaksyon nila." 

Because I know everybody will react and will exaggerate things. Lalo na si Stella. I don't want them watching my every moves and give conclusions and misinterpretation on how I act towards Carrack. Ayoko nang babantayan ako. 

I don't want to be conscious on how I act. Because I feel at ease and free whenever I am with Carrack. I want what we have to be genuine and natural. I don't want to worry that I might be doing things for Carrack just for a good show and to convince my family that I am fine and enjoying my relationship. 

Because honestly, I don't think that my family was convinced enough that I can take care of myself and capable of having a relationship. I don't want them overreacting. Nagsisimula pa lang kami ni Carrack at gusto ko na buuin na muna namin ang relasyon naming dalawa na walang nakikielam. 

I am fine with just the two of us. I feel contented at at ease. 

I am afraid that if we go in public, other's opinion and meddling might ruin what we have. I don't want to be watched and meddled. I don't want them to give me their piece of advice about relationship. I don't want their concerns. 

Most of my life, my family were watching over me. They always tell me what they think. They always laying the path for me to walk on. Palagi nilang iniisip kung ano ang makakabuti sa akin. 

I don't want that for my relationship with Carrack. I want to learn on my own. I want to discover things with Carrack. Only me and him. 

Ayoko nang may makikielam sa amin. Kaya ayoko na malaman ng iba. Dahil kahit hindi ko hilingin, o kahit pa tanggihan ko, alam ko na makikielam sila. Alam ko na mag-aalala sila. At alam ko na mas babantayan nila ako. 

My reasons might be selfish, but I know that they're not invalid. 

"You're aware that this night was planned just to find a man for you, right?" Carrack asked in a firm tone. 

"Sabi lang nila 'yon. They just want to go out," I replied then I tried to smile at him. "And no matter who they introduced, I am only for you." 

Silence stretched until Carrack sighed. "I don't know how long I can last like this, Hannah."

"P-Please?" I pleaded. 

And I am hoping that Carrack will understand me. 

"Whatever," Carrack said then he drove off. 

"Carrack, please. Until Kuya's wedding."

I am hoping for Kuya and Selene to have a baby right away. Para mabuhos sa magiging pagbubuntis ni Selene ang atensyon ng lahat. So they will care less for me. 

"Fine," Carrack sighed. "Pangit ba ko?"

"Huh?" nalilitong tanong ko. 

"Pangit ba ako para ikahiiya mo?" 

"No!" may kasama pang iling na pagtanggi ko. 

Carrack chuckled. "Bakit kasi kinakahiya mo ako? Gwapo naman ako tapos may abs pa ko," he laughed then he pulled my hand to his lips. 

"I'm sorry that I am this messed up," malungkot na sabi ko. 

"I'll try to understand."

"Thank you," I sobbed. 

"Hey," Carrack clicked his tongue.

"S-Sorry. I just feel..." I sobbed. "I'm grateful that you're the man I fell in love with. Thank you for always trying to understand me."

"Yeah. Even you're unreasonable and what you want is illogical," he chuckled. 

It was already at the height of the party when we arrived. Idinahilan namin na naghanap pa kami ng damit ko at kumain na muna bago tumuloy sa club. Sila Ciara, Star, Vanica, Ryle at Ae na lang ang nasa mesa nang dumating kami.

"We already picked few candidates," excited na sabi ni Ciara at saka ako hinila papunta sa kabilang table. Stella was on the center of the sofa with Selene. 

"Hay salamat at dumating ka rin!" Stella laughed then pulled me beside her. 

I got introduced to two men with them. 

My eyes worriedly went to Carrack while shaking hands with a mestizo guy Stella introduced as Anton. Bahagyang nanlaki ang mata ko nang makita na palapit na sila ni Ryle sa amin. Nakaakbay si Ryle sa kanya habang ngingisi-ngisi. 

Kinabahan ako sa madilim na ekspresyon ni Carrack. 

Hindi ko nasundan ang mga sinasabi nila Stella dahil nakasunod ang mga mata ko sa pag-upo nila Carrack at Rayleigh sa sofa sa bandang kanan namin. 

We all sat down then they begun talking and laughing. I was silent on my place. 

Carrack ordered few snacks. Thank God! I'm hungry. 

Abala ako sa pagkain nang pilit akong sinasama nila Ciara sa usapan. Tipid na ngiti at tango lang ang sagoit ko sa kanila. 

Medyo nahihiya na nga ako dahil mukhang nagsisikap talaga si Anton na gumawa ng conversation. He's been polite but I am nothing but cold to him. 

I don't mind being cold and impolite. I am more worried about Carrack's reaction. 

Ciara mistook my coldness for shyness. She tried explaining to Anton how timid and reserved I was. 

Anton warmly smiled then said that he understand and he have a sister who's kind of similar to my being 'shy' and 'reserved'.

After a few more attempts to talk to me, Anton excused himself to the washroom.   

I almost jump when Ciara nudged at my side. "This one's a good catch," Ciara whispered. "He's a budding businessman and he look decent and formal."

I blinked at her. "So?"

Pinanlakihan ako ng mga mata ng pinsan ko. "So he's a potential boyfriend."

"I don't need one," I frowned. 

"Duh! We're here because you need one," Stella said. Nakikinig pala s'ya sa amin. "And Anton is here. You should go out to get to know each other." 

"Or if you're not interested with Anton, Rafael is here," Selene laughed. 

"No. Raf is mine," Stella smirked then she sat with the other man. 

 Selene rolled her eyes. "Fine! Kunwari para kay Hannah, pero para sa'yo naman talaga ang boy hunting na 'to."

"Para kay Hannah naman. We got Anton for her," Stella giggled. 

"Anton is more harmless," Ciara whispered. "Mukhang okay naman."

"In case, that will be a double date with Stella and Rafael so nothing to worry," Vivian said. She just got back from the dance floor but she seem aware of the impromptu blind date. 

Nanahimik na lang ako at hinayaan sila. 

"Are you trying to get yourself drunk?" Ryle's voice caught my attention. 

"This is my normal," Carrack said then emptied a shot of whiskey. 

"Lokohin mo lelong mo," Ryle chuckled then stood up. "I'm gonna enjoy this," he waved then disappeared on the dance floor.

Nakuha ni Ciara ang atensyon ko nang bigla s'yang tumayo. Napatingala ako sa kanya. Ngumisi s'ya sa akin at nagulat ako nang tinawag n'ya si Anton na nakabalik na pala. 

"Dito ka na, Anton. Occupied na 'yong upuan mo kanina," Ciara said then he pulled Anton to sit beside me. "Let's dance, Selene!" 

"Kuya, you stay here, alright?" Selene said. "You'll be driving so don't get drunk."

I feel uncomfortable with Anton beside me so I moved farther on my seat. Tumingin din ako kay Carrack at napasinghap ako nang makita ang matinding iritasyon sa mukha n'ya. 

"Hannah never had a boyfriend so she's not used to being around a man. Excuse her behavior," Vivian told Anton. 

Anton chuckled. "It's alright. It's been a long time since I last have a girlfriend so I'm a little awkward myself." 

"Perfect! What do you think of Hannah?"

There's a slight blush on Anton's cheek. "She's pretty. And it'll be lovely to get to know her more."

"A club is not a place to look for a potential boyfriend, Vivian," Carrack said in a dismissive tone. "Or any serious relationship."

"It is if two individuals are decent," Viv rebutted. "Hannah and Anton are both two decent adults, so why not?" 

"Hannah doesn't need him. Or any other man," Carrack almost hiss. 

"Huh? What the hell are you saying?" Stella said, annoyed. "Kasama ka na rin ba sa mga overprotective sa kanya na wala sa lugar?"

"I know my place," Carrack said. "I am her boyfriend!"

I gasped at his declaration but other than me, no one took it seriously. 

Mapang-asar na tumawa si Stella. "I know my cousin. She can't keep anything from me. Stop doing this, Carrack."

"Don't ruin this chance for Hannah. Stop being like them who treats her like a f*****g porcelain doll who will easily break," Vivian said. 

"Yeah. Let Hannah have a boyfriend. And add some flavor on her life. This will be fun," Stella laughed. "I'll closely watch every step of her relationship. It will be fun to see how everybody will overreact and dramatize things."

I can feel my system shaking. I want to stand with Carrack. But Stella's words are my fears. I don't want to be their entertainment. 

"You tell them Hannah," hamon ni Carrack sa akin. "You. Tell. Me," he wryly laughed. "Saan nga ba ang lugar ko?"

Kumunot ang noo ni Vivian. Binalingan n'ya ako sa serysong ekspresyon. "Carrack is your boyfriend?"

I don't know what to do. Gusto kong tumakbo. 

I looked at Carrack. His expression was dark. Then I looked at Stella. She got a raised brow with a menacing smirk. 

I shut my eyes. I can feel them warming up. 

Bakit nasa ganitong sitwasyon ako?

I am in love with Carrack. I don't want to shame him, but I'm not ready. 

And I want to hold on his words that he'll try to understand me. 

Because I know that Stella won't even bother to try to stay out of my relationship with Carrack. 

I bit my lip then slightly shook my head. "No." It felt like a slice through my soul. 

Sobrang sakit na tinatanggi ko si Carrack ngayon. 

"See!" Stella laughed. "Drop the drama, Carrack. You're not protecting her, you're robbing her off a chance to be happier." 

"Are you sure?" Carrack asked. Halata na galit na galit na s'ya at nagtitimpi na. 

Ang hirap salubungin ng tingin n'ya. 

Hindi ko nagawang sumagot. 

"I am sure," Stella confidently said. 

Carrack gave me a sardonic smile then he stood up. "Fine."

And I feel myself breaking as he walk away.