Trace of A Broken Lead

twenty-one.drunk

N  A  T  A  S  H  A

.  .  .

I was so busy tracing the whites if they'll going to find me to the point that I didn't see the possible ways of the blacks upon seeing me. Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari kung dalhin ako ni Ephriam sa kanila, ayokong pumatay at alam niya 'yon. Ayokong maging katulad nila dahil ngayon pa lang, natatakot na ako sa ginagawa nila. Parang walang kalayaan ang lahat at ngayong nakikita ko na nahihirapan si Ephriam, it just sucks.

Jane left and that's when I reveal myself. Ephriam wasn't surprised when he saw me. He just leaned on the sofa, tumabi ako sa kaniya at hindi nagsalita.

"Do the right thing," panimula ko. "Pero pwede namang gawin mo rin ang gusto mo, it was your life by the way."

I tried to smile when he looked at me. I can clearly see the storm in his eyes, it was making his mind ruined.

"You could just give me up," sabi ko pa. Mas maganda ang choice na 'yon kaysa sa pangalawa. Pareho lang kaming mapupunta sa kanila kung bumalik man siya at kasama ako.

"Walang kwenta," he muttered and leaned on his knees, thinking of something else. Magkadikit rin ang mga kamay niya habang malalim ang iniisip.

"O pwede namang hayaan mo na lang akong mamamatay," kibit-balikat ko, "Afterall, doon rin naman ang kahihinatnan ko."

"Do you actually think that I'll follow them?"

"May ibang choice pa ba?"

He smirked at me, "Ofcourse, there is."

***

March 11, it was Mr. Walter's birthday. My brother and I sneak out from the mansion then ride his common toyota car. Well, he liked this kind of car than those sports car even if we could afford it.

He told me that he wasn't the type of a man who liked to ride cars, it's just a plain thing that has to be rode. But the thing is, he doesn't want to look rich and with those kind of cars will attract gold digger women, issues and admiration. Hindi ko lang alam kung sincere siya sa sinabi niya, pero natunugan kong medyo humangin nang tanungin ko siya. Or maybe he's just too introvert for me.

I was 14 at that moment and he was 17.

He doesn't have his driver license yet, but we knew that there's no checkpoint on our location. We went to the nearest mall and started to think of what could be our gift to our dearest adopter a.k.a. our father.

Now, I started to cringed at that word.

"He liked watch!" I exclaimed at my brother who are still wearing his comforting sweatshirt but he still looks gorgeous. God, bakit ang gwapo ng kuya ko? Marami ring napapatingin sa amin at alam kong dahil yon kay kuya. Not me, I'm too skinny to get attraction from other. But whatever, I'm going to talk as much as I can.

"He also liked those shoes, I think that's it!"

"Oh! And that wallet, we know he's that too rich right?"

"Yung necktie na rin na 'yon! Ang ganda! Rainbow! Hahahahaha!"

Sa buong paglalakad namin ay ako lang ang nagsasalita, napadpad kami sa store ng mga suits na halos walang katao-tao dahil masyadong gorgeous ang mga binebenta dito. Pinuntahan ko yung necktie na nakita ko at paglingon ko wala na doon si Kuya. Siguro naghahanap na rin siya. Hindi ko pa nahahawakan 'yung necktie nang may kumausap sa akin.

"Ang gwapo po ng boyfriend niyo." nahihiyang sabi ng assisstant. "Para po ba 'yan sa kaniya?"

"Huh?" na-baffled ako sa word na boyfriend. Si kuya at ako? It's a big NO WAY.

Nakatingin naman ito sa necktie na nasa harap ko. Rainbow talaga ang kulay at nagssparkle pa siya, grabe. Doon ko lang naalala ang sinabi niya.

"Hindi. Naghahanap kami ng regalo para kay Dad, you know, medyo maselan sa regalo 'yon tas kapag di naman kailangan hahayaan niya lang sa kung saan. Well, that's him. He doesn't treat all things to be useful." napakunot naman ako sa sinabi ko.

Ngayon ko lang napansin 'yon ah, hindi talaga siya mahilig sa bagay. Yung ibang niregalo namin ay napapansin kong hindi niya pinapahalagahan. Napasimangot tuloy ako bigla, nakakatamad nang regaluhan si Mr. Walter.

"Ah, stay strong po sa inyo." mas lalo namang napalaki ang mata ko sa sinabi nito. She really thought that my brother and I were on?! Mukha na ba akong 18 o nasa legal age na? Mukha ba akong may jowa? Mukha bang kami?

Wut?

"He's not my boyfriend and it will never be! He's my brother." nakasimangot kong sabi at nagulat naman yung babae.

"Hala sorry po,"

Hindi rin naman nagtagal ay dumating na si Kuya at nakahanap na nga siya ng pangregalo. Nakabalot na kaya hindi ko na nakita ang nahanap niya. Matapos niya akong makita ay hinila niya na lang ako at iniwan ko 'yung babae na mukhang apologetic pa rin hanggang ngayon. Like duh. Hindi pa nakakalayo, nang isumbong ko siya kay Kuya.

"Kuya,mukhaba tayong magkasintahan? Sagutinmoko, kasi nabobothernaako. Paanokungwala akong magingboyfriendniyan kasi kalanila boyfriendkita. Linawinmongasakanila, kuya. Grabe, my wide eyesgets even larger. Gosh, nakakastress."

"You're thinking it out loud, Natasha. It's irritating." he said with his pissed face. Binilisan niya na rin ang lakad kaya hinabol ko na siya. Gusto na talaga niyang umuwi pero ayoko pa.

"May bibilhin pa akoo, kuya!"

"No, we're going home."

Huminga ako ng malalim habang inaalala ang nga panahong iyon, mga panahong hindi na maibabalik. Mga panahong hindi na mauulit, mga panahong hanggang alaala na lang. Hindi ko alam kung pagsisihan ko ang ginawa ko noon o tatanggapin na lang. Ayokong isipin na nagiging tanga na pala ako noon. Giving a person a gift even if you know that he doesn't appreciate anything. It's just a waste of time.

Kung sa mga panahon na 'yon alam ko na kung ano si Mr. Walter, siguro kahit papaano ay hindi na ko magsasayang ng oras sa kaniya. Baka hindi na rin ako nakatira sa mansion at hindi niya ako nagamit. Pero paano nga kung noon pa lang alam ko na ang lahat? Could it change everything? What would be my life if that so? Was it better than this or worse?

I don't know.

Wala sa sariling napahawak ulit ako sa buhok ni Ephriam na nakahiga pa rin sa hita ko. Pagtingin ko dito at nagulat ako nang makitang gising na pala ito at nakatingin na sa akin. Sa sobrang gulat ko ay bigla akong nakaramdam ng gutom at parang bumilis ang t***k ng puso ko.

Ilang segundo pa kaming nagkatitigan. Iniisip ko kung ano kayang iniisip niya. Kanina niya pa kaya ako tinititigan? Kanina pa siya gising? Behind his deep eyes, I could see that he was thinking something so deep and mysterious.

"Good morning," sabi ko na lang at doon ko lang napansin na maaga na pala. I reminisce so many memories for this night, and it really sucks.

Bumangon na siya sa pagkakaupo at sumandal din sa sofa.

"Do you always have to recharge like that?" he ask.

"What?"

"Are you sleeping with open eyes?" he asked again but with my knitted eyebrow, I just shrugged.

"Huh, hindi." I shook my head, "I'm just reminiscing, I recharge in the presence of sun." I said.

He was about to say something but I heard nothing, it seems like something stopped him from doing so. And there's that expression again, his expression in a deep thought. Somehow it bothers me.

Sometimes, I didn't care to bother.

A day had passed and after he leave me here again, he didn't came back. I waited for him but the night came and he wasn't still here. I tried to track him and found nothing. Hindi ko naman alam kung mag-aalala ako pero siguro kailangan ko na ring masanay na wala siya.

At this moment, I just wanted to be a useful thing and be wasted.

I didn't ate anything, I drunk alcohol for the whole night. I was getting tipsy so I stopped drinking at 3:30 am and went upstairs.

Mukhang alam ko na ang kailangan kong gawin. . .

May naisip lang naman akong kapilyuhan kinuha ang bagong laptop ni Ephriam. I managed to infiltrate a cellphone. It doesn't matter who owned it. I dialed Phoebe's number that I got in Ephriam's files and started to connect my robotic audio to the other line. And as I spoke, a deep voice of a man immitate it. I was thrilled that I succeeded on my plan. Matagal ko nang gustong gawin ito, at ito ang ginagawa kong libangan habang wala si Ephriam.

Our conversation went really creepy. Even though I don't know what's going on, I tried to say things that was so pyschotic. I even tried to laugh demonically just like Epiales, who are a spirit of nightmares in greek mythology. Sinearch ko ang ibig sabihin nito pero 'yun lang ang mahalaga kong nakita.

The thrill was there when Phoebe started to speak out.

"Henry! Thanks, God. You called! Hindi namatay 'yung propesor!" She exclaimed in a low voice.

"Ooh! Copy that, Dwight." A husky voice answered, and the sound echoed from somewhere. Even though it's husky, I can hear a playful and sinister voice. I felt so honored at my work!

"Okay, I will kill that Professor just for you. You'll see me soon, very very soon. Just wait until everything is settle up, okay?" I giggled lightly. Gosh, this is so thrilling!

"E-piales." she gasped "I won't wait for you, I will find you! I'm going to see you before you made up your fvcking plans!"

Napangiti naman ako sa sinabi niya. But my eyes were tired. . . Tired to imagine her seeing his brother. . .

"Go on, just find me. But I'm sure that I'll be your worst nightmare on your death." I said in a dark tone. I've got chill at my own voice.

I didn't intended to look scary, maybe because I am drunk. I don't know what am I thinking.

But little did I know, I did that because of envy and the despise from the world that treated me like I was nothing. My insecurities bursted and it lightened when I felt like I've done well. Although I didn't say anything about my insecurities, I felt like a superior at the time. I felt the vegeance. I was once happy and contented, I bursted it!

I regreted it the moment Ephriam went back.

"What did you do?" he asked in stern voice. He abruptly removed the things from his body, he threw those things off and walks towards me, harshly.

"I scare your sister." I said in a matter of fact.

"Wait, are you drunk?" his voice was raising but I didn't care, I managed to giggle.

"I scare your sister, pauli-ulit?" malakas rin na sabi ko at binitawan ang bote ng alak kaya gumulong 'yon hanggang paa niya.

Nilagpasan niya 'yon at madaling pumunta sa akin. Hinila nito ang braso ko at doon ko lang napagtanto na nakahiga na pala ako sa sahig. Inupo niya ako sa upuan pero hindi binitawan dahil paniguradong mahuhulog ako.

"How are you going to sober yourself?" rinig kong tanong niya kaya umangat ang tingin ko.

"Tubig," I mumbled, he reached for a bottle of water. Di ko na alam kung paano niya nagawa 'yon at binigay sa akin.

Matapos kong uminom ay pinilit kong tumayo at naglakad.

"Where are you going?"

"Rechaaaarge the sun." mahabang sabi ko at naglakad pero bakit parang gumagalaw ang sahig. I enjoyed what I am seeing and played along.

I didn't knew that I look ridiculous. Tumawa pa ako sa sarili ko nang makalabas na ako nang tuluyan sa pabrika.

"My feet have eyes, they knew where to go," sabi ko sa lalaking sumalo sa akin dahil muntik na pala akong mahulog sa hagdan na may apat na hakbang pababa.

He mumbled something at me but I didn't bother to listen, he speak so low.

I looked up and see nothing, there's no blinding sun, no fluffy clouds and bluish sky. I slapped the man beside me and I heard him scowling at me. "I can't see anything, remove my eye."

Tinanggal ko ang hawak niya at bumaba sa may d**o, hinanda ko na ang sarili ko na madapa kaya naman nang maramdaman ko ang mga d**o sa tuhod at palad ko ay malakas akong tumawa.

"Ang lakas ng tama mo."

I enjoyed that night of laughing and giggling by myself. I did idiot things for myself to laugh, I made scratches and wounds in my skin so that I could cry. Only to stop by someone who are staring.

"Do'n ka nga! I'm dreaming!"

Parang noong nakaraan lang, gusto kong maramdaman ulit ang ganito. Alak lang pala ang solusyon, sobrang dali lang pala ng sagot sa problema ko.

"That's enough, you're wasted." I heard someone say so I looked at him with sluggish eyes.

I held both of his cheeks and I felt weaker so I fell on my back, he then catch me in a silly way. He made my head rest in his shoulder as he carry me with his arms.

I felt like a princess in his way of carrying. I circled my arms around his neck and sniffed his scent. The scent that makes me more addictive, a mixture of sweat, vanilla and. . . biscuits. Almost like a baby.

Nakagat ko ang panga nito nang mangigil ako at naramdaman ko ang paggalaw nito. Muli kong dinilat ang mata ko nang huminto siya sa paglalakad at tumingin sa akin.

He's saying something because his lips were moving and his eyebrow were knitted. But I understand nothing.

"Biscuits," I mutter, recognizing the smell that was coming from his lips.

"Are you even listening?"

"Biscuit," ulit ko at hinawakan ulit ang pisngi nito. I taste his lips using mine and I wasn't disappointed when I tasted what I want.

I wasn't thinking anything and I just knew the taste of biscuits. I think the flavor of the biscuits is vanilla. Was it a cookie? But I like to call it biscuits, it sounds cute. I don't know how many times have I taste it, but he was still standing and unable to move.

I felt his hands tightened in my skin so I cling my arms around his neck and just rested my head in his shoulder. And that's when I notice that his breathing heavily.

He walked again and my vision was slowly dozing off but my other senses was still working. Until I felt that he was kicking something, naamoy ko ulit 'yung biscuits nang hawiin ko ang buhok niya papunta sa kaniyang tenga kaya wala sa sariling nakagat ko 'yon.

I shrieked when he threw me in the bed, shock on what I did in his ear. A loud guffaw escaped in my lips when I saw how his ears gets red. He's ticklish.

"Wow, Tarzan is blushing." I pointed, trying to get up but I just look like an idiot.

He scoffed at me and even rolled his eyes. "Hey," I called before he could even leave.

"Sober yourself, hindi ako makatulog dahil sa'yo," reklamo nito sa akin.

"Why does Jane have her Tarzan and I don't have mine?" Nakatingin lang ako sa kaniya habang sinasabi 'yon, di ko makita ang reaksyon niya. "Can't I really have you?"

"Then I'll drop being her Tarzan just for you to have me."