The Traumatic Kiss

Chapter 12

 I was pacing back and forth inside my room. Here it is again.  I stare at my hands. Its trembling and sweating, but I can’t feel it. It feels like it isn’t my hands. I clutched my head, and it feels like I’m not holding my head.

Naiiyak na ako. I’m panicking, I’m so anxious. Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko na nasa kama.

“Right its 6 in the evening. I’m inside my room, inside our house. Is it a while ago when I talked to Mira?” Tiningnan ko ang pinto ko. “I think so, yeah Mira just left my room.”

Hinigpitan ko ang paghawak sa cellphone ko. Shucks, here I am again. Oh, dear Lord please help me.

“The date today is July 3, 2020 and yesterday I was with Miel. Yes, Miel...” Ilang beses akong pumikit nang mariin habang tumutulo ang mga luha ko. “Miel is my friend and I found out he’s gay. Me? I am Missy, yes, I am Missy. I am Missy, I am 22 years old. My birthday? My birthday is on July 7, 1997. I have a sister, Mira, yes, she’s Mira, Mira... Marian, Marian is my mom, yes. Dad? Uhm...my dad’s name, my dad’s name...Linollo, yes Linollo.”

Muli akong pumikit nang mariin at pinagkrus ang aking hintuturo at gitnang daliri nang mahigpit na tila ba rito ko hinuhugot ang aking memorya.

“I am Missy. Its July 3, 2020 today. I have a friend, he’s...” Naninikip na ang dibdib ko dahil sa walang katapusang paghikbi pero nagpatuloy ako, kaya ko ‘to.

I can overcome this.

“I have a friend, he’s... he’s...”

I was staring at nowhere and everything is blur. It seems like fogs are clouding my vision. I can’t see where I am going, it feels like I’m lost.

I feel like I am floating, I feel so light. I made a step, but I can’t feel my feet. I continued to walk.

I can see tall buildings, cars passing by and people pacing back and forth. I turned around and saw trees moving. I smiled, they are amusing. The leaves are falling off them because they moved a lot. Somehow, I want to go along with them. It seems enjoyable doing it.

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa paanan ng mga puno. The stones are moving too, they’re jumping out. And they’re fun to watch. The pebbles are like throwing themselves into a pond.

I was so engrossed watching them when I heard a loud screeching of the tires. I turned around and saw a woman rolling down in a grassland. The car drove off as fast as it could.

I walked towards the grassland where the woman fell. My brows furrowed, where is she? I’m sure she rolled down. I’m sure she was down there, I saw it. I just made some steps and she’s gone!

My eyes started to heat up.

Where is she?

“Missy?” May naririnig akong tumatawag sa akin pero malayo ang boses. “Missy?” Narinig kong muli. Nakaramdam ako ng tapik sa balikat. I saw Mama in front of me tapping my shoulder while her tears are rolling down her cheeks.

“Ma!” Lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko na tila sasabog. Agad kong niyakap si Mama sa beywang. I hugged her tightly as if I don’t want to let her go, as if my life depends on her.

I don’t want to be alone again.

“Thank God, Missy.” Nangangarag ang boses ni Mama dahil sa pag-iyak.

“Ate!” Mira joined us in a hug while crying, too.

Maya-maya’y naramdaman ko na lang na binalot pa kami ng isa namang braso. I know it’s Papa. Kumalas kami sa yakap. Pinunasan ni Mama ang basa kong pisngi.

“Thank God, you’re back.”

“Ilang oras ngayon, Ma?” tanong ko.

“Tatlong oras.”

Nilibot ko ang paningin. Nasa loob kami ng kwarto ko. I am sitting on the edge of my bed. Nasa couch kaharap ko nakaupo si Dra. Menandro, ang psychotherapist ko. Sina Mama, Papa at Mira nama’y nakalinyang nakatayo sa gilid ko at bakas ang pag-aalala.

“You had your disassociation episode again, Missy. And you went out for three hours, it’s very unexpected because you had it three months ago,” ani Doc na ngayo’y nakatayo na rin sa harap ko.

Nabalot kami ng katahimikan. Nakatayo sila sa harapan ko ngayon at bakas ang pag-aalala, takot at awa sa kanilang mga ekspresyon. Hindi ko rin alam ang gagawin, nanatiling nakatingin lang din ako sa kanila.

Those pity eyes. I hate those. It feels like we are in a situation that we can’t do anything. They are on my side, but it so heartbreaking that it is only me who can help myself.

Sabay-sabay silang huminga nang malalim. Napayuko nalang ako at tinakpan ang mukha ng palad. Mahihinang hikbi ang pinakawalan ko. Mabigat.

Bakit ganito? Bakit kailangan kong maranasan ito? Mahirap para sa akin pero mas masakit na nakikita ko ang pamilya ko na ganyan.

“Missy...” Naramdaman ko ang pagyakap ni Mama sa akin. “Its okay, Missy. It’s okay.” She keeps telling those words, but I can feel her crying.

Ilang minute pa bago ako nahimasmasan. When I calmed down and be able now to distinguish my reality, my family went downstairs and Dra. Menandro assessed me again.

Mahaba pa ang naging counseling namin at nagtapos na naman ito na may luha ako sa mga mata.

I hugged Dra. Menandro before she left my room. Nang magsara ang pinto ay nabingi ako sa matinding katahimikan, naramdaman ko ang unti-unting paggapang ng lamig sa katawan ko. Hinimas ko ang magkabilang braso.

I was left standing alone in my room and a door just closed in front of me. My hands began trembling and my head becomes light.

Mariin kong pinikit ang mata. Not again, please.

I am praying inside my head when I heard the door opened. I opened my eyes and saw Miel standing on the door with Mama behind him.

I immediately took steps towards him and hugged him. He was shocked that he stiffened.

“Missy? Something wrong?” Nang marinig ko ang boses ni Mama ay napagtanto ko ang ginawa kaya bumitiw ako.

Matagal akong napatitig kay Mama. Nilapitan niya ako’t hinawakan ang dalawa kong kamay. “Missy, tell me what’s wrong?” Hinigpitan ko rin ang paghawak sa kamay niya.

Mabilis akong umiling. “Nothing Ma.” I gave her an assuring smile before turning to Miel.

“I’m sorry. Ba’t ka napunta rito?” tanong ko saka bumaba ang tingin sa bitbit niyang isang paperbag.

Tumikhim siya, tila ‘di pa siya nakabawi. “A-ah. I brought this. Namali ka yata ng kuha kahapon, nagkapalit tayo. ‘Yon lang naman...” Tumingin siya kay Mama. “I will leave after since your Mama told me you need rest.”

“It’s okay Ma.”

“Are you sure?”

“Opo.” Tumango-tango lang si Mama at bumaba na.

“Pasok ka,” aya ko kay Miel at nauna sa pagpasok. I felt him walking behind me and heard the door shut. I closed my eyes again. I feel calmed again knowing that I can feel some presence inside my room.

“Are you okay, Missy?” Hinarap niya ako at hinawakan sa magkabilang balikat. “Gosh, you look so haggard, kahapon lang naman tayo hindi nagkita pero parang isang taon na sa mukha mo,” aniya.

Matagal ko siyang tiningnan. Iniisip ko kung dapat ko bang sabihin sa kanya ang totoo kong sitwasyon. I remember I lied to him when he asked me about my memory.

Almost two months ko na rin naman siyang nakakasama at madalas pang nakakasama. Paano kung mangyari sa akin iyon sa oras na kasama ko siya? I’m sure he would panic. But I’m not sure if he’ll be worried about me or will find me creepy or worst, psychotic.

“Gosh, what’s with the stare girl? You’re giving me chills,” aniya at hinimas pa ang magkabilang braso.

Umupo ako sa kama. “I have something to tell you,” I started. Umupo rin siya sa kama at handang-handa ng makinig sa itsura niya.

I told him everything, even the disassociation episodes I’m experiencing.

Disassociation episodes, it is when I experienced derealization and depersonalization. When I cannot distinguish anymore the reality from the world I built inside my head. It is when I forget about my identity, the recent events, people around me and even lost passing of time. It is when I can’t even recognize my own face and body. It is when everything’s so light.

Walang nakakaalam kung kailan ito mangyayari, kahit ako sa sarili ko, kahit ang doctor ko. But it can also be triggered by the same happenings when I got traumatized before losing my memory back then.

It’s already morning and we’re having breakfast. Mama made Mira slept in my room last night, so I won’t feel alone.

“Mira, what did you two talked about before your Ate went off again,” tanong ni Mama.

Mira seemed confuse why Mama is asking her that. Like how Mama knew she went into my room.

Mama who can read our body language explained. “Yaya Laura saw you leaving your ate’s room.”

Gano’n pa rin ang reaksyon niya na para bang ano bang kinalaman niya at parang siya ang may kasalanan. Eh hindi naman sa gano’n, nagtatanong lang naman si Mama. She’s always like that, she’s too cautious of what happened around me before I lost myself.

“Huh? I just let her watch the ending of the Korean drama I watched,” inosenteng sagot naman ni Mira.

“And what was exactly the scene?”

“Nag-kiss ang mga bida. If you want it in detail, the lead female just grabbed the lead male for a kiss. That’s it. That’s not triggering, I think?”