Let Me

Kaiah Luna Santos I went there to feel free. Nineteen. Walang rules. Walang bawal. My parents kept their promise, right after my nineteenth birthday, I didn’t attend the party at the mansion. Instead, I went straight to a well-known bar, excited to finally do whatever I had been craving for so long. The music, the people, the ambiance, the loud cheers… “Ohhh, this is freedom!” hiyaw ko pa. I didn’t plan to stand out tonight. Honestly, gusto ko lang magpakawala. Uminom, sumabay sa ingay, and for a few hours, pretend na walang expectations, walang rules, walang nagdidikta sa akin. Red dress. Simple lang sana dapat, pero habang tinitingnan ko ang sarili ko sa salamin bago umalis, parang hindi na rin ako sure kung “simple” pa ba ’yon. It hugged my body just right , parang alam niya kung saan kumakapit at kung saan dapat huminga. Not too much, not too little. But I believe, I feel confident. Enough to make me feel… seen. “Luna… you came… OMG… your outfit is soooo good!” hiyaw ni Roxanne ng makita niya ako. Tumawa ako at agad siyang niyakap nang mahigpit. Ang kababata kong si Roxanne. Before, I used to envy her, kung gaano ka-open ang parents niya, kung paano siya hinahayaan gawin ang kahit anong gusto niya. But now… iba na. “Of course… tonight is my nineteenth birthday. I am free, Rox. I can go with you anytime you want. Wherever we want. I am free…” proud kong sabi habang tumatalon kami sa saya. Bigla kong napansin ang boyfriend niya, nakasunod agad sa kanya at halos ayaw siyang bitawan. I remember him, he’s a model. Matagal na niyang kasama si Roxanne. “You brought your chaperone,” I smirked, looking at him then at Roxanne. Tumawa si Roxanne at inakbayan ako papunta sa counter, kung saan nandun ang mga drinks na dati online ko lang nakikita. Finally. “This is the reason why I can go out,” she said casually, glancing at him. “Because of him. He’ll manage me.” Nagulat ako. Akala ko she was alone everytime she will talk some fun things that she do. free, independent, doing everything I used to only imagine. Kung paano siya nagkukuwento at minsan pa, she is trying to tempt me to cut the rule that my parents do. Of course,... I did not. Ever.. She influenced me a lot—enough that I started craving the freedom I never really understood before. Roxanne always had that life I used to imagine from afar, constant vacations in the US, no strict boundaries, no heavy expectations. She moved like someone who was allowed to just be. And she has a boyfriend. I patiently endured for a long time—and now, this is finally happening. I watched how the boy leaned closer to Roxanne, and again, curiosity stirred in me. I wondered what it feels like… that kind of closeness. That ease. That certainty. I’ve always been fond of romance books—romance manga, too—enough to feel like I already understand how things unfold once you reach that stage. Like I’ve memorized the steps, the pauses, the timing of it all… even if I’ve never actually lived it. But reading about it and seeing it in front of me are two different things. Lumapit siya sa kanya at may binulong. Then she turned back to me. “Don’t worry,” she added, smiling. “He’ll just stay in the shadows. Hahayaan lang niya ako. So we’re still free to do whatever we want… enjoy your birthday.”.. We enjoy.. I tried so many drinks Like I felt like I wanted to vomit, and everything around me started to spin. “We need to dance, Luna… tipsy na tayo,” Roxanne said, pulling me back into the crowd. I wasn’t ignorant when it came to drinks—I’ve had sips before. I knew how they tasted, how they slowly loosened your head, your thoughts, your control. Hinila niya ako papasok sa gitna ng dance floor. We were already in the crowd, moving like the night had no ending. I could feel eyes everywhere—watching, passing, disappearing just as quickly as the beat changed. The air was thick with different perfumes, layered and dizzying, somehow making everything feel louder, closer… more alive. Roxanne danced sexily, effortlessly, like she belonged to the rhythm. I tried to copy her. I saw others doing it too—grinding, circling their hips in front of the men like it was nothing, like it was just part of the night. I wanted to do the same. But obviously… I didn’t have a man. I had my own ways. Someone approached, but the moment they saw Roxanne, they backed off—like they already knew better. Like we were both off limits. “The heck, Rox,” I shouted over the music. “Seems like everyone is afraid…” She laughed and grabbed my hand again. “Patay ako kapag may humirit na lalaki sa atin. This is the terms, you know.” I froze for a second. This wasn’t how I imagined it—nothing like the videos I watched, nothing like the research I thought prepared me for this. “Don’t include me,” I said quickly, laughing it off. “I don’t have a boyfriend.” The moment I said it, hindi na natigil ang mga lumalapit. Parang mas lalo silang na-curious, mas lalong lumakas ang loob nila. Even Roxanne had a hard time keeping them away. It was like the night suddenly shifted—too many eyes, too many intentions I couldn’t fully read. I tried to play it off. Tried to act like I knew what I was doing. I even found myself smiling at someone, flirting back for a second—thinking maybe this is what it’s supposed to feel like… if it’s with the right person. “This is so fun… wanna go somewhere?” sabi ng isang lalaki na hindi ko kilala. Then I smelled it—cigarette smoke, sharp and bitter. Bigla ko siyang tinulak. “I hate cigarettes… I hate it,” I said, mas matalim kaysa sa inaasahan ko. "Disgusting.. ", My head was still spinning. The lights, the sound, everything was too much. Sa gilid ng mata ko, I saw groups sitting in the VIP area—quiet, watching, like they were studying everyone on the floor instead of actually joining the chaos. I forced myself to walk again, searching for Roxanne. “OmG… oops sorry…” I mumbled when I bumped into someone, trying to keep my balance. Pero lalo lang akong nahihilo. And then I saw her. Roxanne. My eyes widened. She was in someone’s arms—her boyfriend holding her close, kissing her like the world around them didn’t exist. Like I wasn’t even there. Something twisted inside me. Not jealousy… not exactly. More like being left behind. Forgotten in a place I wasn’t ready for. “She’s enjoying…” I whispered to myself. “And here I am…” This is woman is a prank.. A chaperone in a shadow huuh... I turned away. No point staying there. I went back into the crowd again. Dancing. Trying to lose myself in the music, even if I was already starting to feel alone in it. Just a few minutes passed— When suddenly, a hand grabbed my waist from behind. Firm. Too close. Too sudden. Someone pressed into my space, guiding me without asking. My breath caught immediately. I froze. I know this thing. I flirtly grind , dance with him.. I smell that expensive liqour from his breath.. Halatang lasing ito.. But.. He smells good. I constantly dance with him.. Incircle my arams around his neck and face him. His look—dark eyes, thin lips—stared at me like he already knew something about me that I didn’t even know myself. For a second, I just laughed. Like it was funny. A soft, careless laugh—almost instinctive—because I didn’t know how else to respond under that kind of stare. "Wanna go somewhere? ", sabi ko pa habang ginagaya ang sinabi ng lalaki kanina. I expected a reaction. A laugh. Maybe him backing off. But everything after that felt like a blur. The next thing I knew, I was in his car. Cold leather. Expensive scent. Silence that didn’t feel empty—but heavy. My hand was in his grip, like it belonged there without question. The world outside the window kept spinning too fast, too bright. My thoughts couldn’t catch up with my body anymore. I leaned back, trying to steady myself. His car looked like something out of another world—too polished, too expensive to feel real. I know this smell. Not cigarettes. Not alcohol. " Welcome Mr. Mendoza.. ... Youre key....",rinig ko pang sabi ng hindi ko kilala pero nakayakap lang ako ng mahigpit sa mabangong lalaking kasama ko. Maraming pang sinasabi pero nagmamadali na itong maglakad. Pinning me right after the door close.. A first expereince that I wasnt prepare enough . He kiss me agressively. I taste the familiar liqour that i tried He kissed me abruptly, leaving me too stunned to react. His moves too fast that I couldnt even react. “Wait…” I tried to say, but my voice came out weaker than I intended. He kiss me again. His mouth is so hot, like the small sound escape to my mouth. He scooped my breast enough for me to fell the sensual that I couldnt imagine.. Para akong nabablanko na hindi ko man malaman bakit wala na akong damit. Leaving my lips, He scope my breast like a baby I saw on a movie , and suck it like there was something will come out. I feel like crazy.. I feel like I want to do more.. "Youre. so... sexy... ", nang sabihin niya yun and make himself naked. Hindi ako makapaniwala Nawala bigla ang kalasingan ko at gusto na siyang sunggaban.. "Haaa...", I moaned as he started again to kiss me. "Kaiah.. ", He called my name as if he knows me.. "Your dripping wet... "he whispered between our kisses as I fell his hand on my thigh. Nahiya ako bigla. hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin,, "This driving me crazy... ", I fell the soft at my back as he is infront of me. Being on top, hindi ko alam kung paano kami napunta sa kama. He is looking at me intently, being naked, feel like I need to cover at least.. Or what should I do?.. Why he is doing this.. "I dont know what is your planning but.. Let's continue untill... ", before I continue.. he already kiss me again , Pushing at my thigh his hard down that I cannot imagine how it will go after.. I couldn’t think properly anymore. My body felt heavy, disconnected—like I was no longer fully there in the moment. There was something unfamiliar rising inside me, something I couldn’t understand or control. My thoughts scattered, breaking apart before I could even hold onto one. Ang bawat hagod , halik na binibigay niya. The cold that shivered my skin, pero naiibsan kaagad yun dahil sa init na nararamdaman ko sa aking katawan. All are new All are a reality which I only imagine before.