Hiraeth

Chapter 4: Sick

Carrying the names of your parents which both hold an untainted reputation was never easy. It was more like a cross to bear than honor. Being part of a prominent family, I was the robot and they controlled the remote. It became a tacit responsibilty for me to show them what their eyes wanted to see and utter the words their ears wished to hear. It was suffocating. Sometimes, I thanked God that I wasn't as versed as Kuya—the expectations he's been living up to was more demanding than mine. But most of the times, I abhorred the fact that I never got the better of him. I didn't really mind, actually. Not until people around started being rude and slapping with the demoralizing fact.

Downside of being a middle-child. Si Mommy, paborito si bunso. Si Daddy, paborito si panganay. Ako? I was always good. I was never the best. Ni maging better nga sa dalawang kapatid, hindi ko magawa. 'Yung mga kapatid ko, sila ang palaging nakaka-receive ng congratulations, I'm so proud of you, you're the best. Samantalang ako? Kahit anong gawin ko, isa lang ang naririnig ko.

Keep it up.

Sabi, ang mga middle children daw ang peace-maker sa pamilya. Palibhasa, nakaka-relate sila sa mga bata. Nakaka-relate din sila sa mga matatanda. Kalokohan. Ako nga 'tong naiipit palagi. I was always in the middle. The average one. Ako nga raw ang disappointment. Paanong naging peace-maker ako?

Ni wala nga raw akong pinagbago.

Hanggang ngayon, failure pa rin. Dahil lang sa isang gabi.

Damn.

For my whole life, I've never decided for myself. Hindi pa ako pinapanganak ay buo na ang future ko. Lahat nakaayos na. Kung saan ako mag-aaral, kung anong course kukunin, kung anong magiging buhay ko—they already arranged that for me. Right. There felt like chains that were binding me and no matter how hard I tried, there was no way I could break it and set myself free.

Hindi sila naniniwala sa fate. At kung mayroon man, para sa kanila ay pera. Pera ang gumagawa ng fate.

Kaya nang ipinanganak ako, tatlo lang ang responsibilidad ko sa buhay.

One, to say yes— to nod at whatever they would ask me to do.

Second, to breathe— I just have to make sure that I am alive and kicking.

And third, to impress everyone.

While the rest? Sila na ang bahala. Pati sa mangyayari bukas, sa susunod na araw, at sa susunod na mga taon. Sila na ang bahala. Basta ang gagawin ko lang, siguraduhin na magigising ako sa bawat umaga. Obviously, I came from an image-conscious family. Hindi ko rin naman sila masisisi. Maraming kalaban. Sa negosyo, lahat ay sugal. Bawat hakbang, sugal. Walang permanente. Pwedeng ngayon ay nasa itaas ka, bukas ay may mas magaling na.

Kaya para sa pamilya ko, hindi p'wedeng may sasablay. There was never a room for failure. Kung hindi ka magaling, bawal ka. Kapag pumalpak ka, nakakahiya ka.

Sa pamilyang 'to, hindi pwedeng gusto mo lang.

There's this constant whys followed by a solid no.

Your heart has no say at all.

I badly wanted to pursue Journalism before since I have a heart for writing. Pen and paper were my bestfriends and I think, they will forever be. I always believe that writing is the best way to wring out a heart and express all the emotions that mouth failed to do so. Kaso nga lang, ayaw ng pamilya. Tanong ni Daddy, ano namang maitutulong no'n sa negosyo? Sabi ni Mommy, marami raw sa mga journalist ang pinapatay. Nakakatakot.

Kuya was my last resort. I thought he loved me enough to understand and help me. Kaso wala pa rin, 'e. I remembered crying hard because I felt so hopeless. Tulad din pala siya nila Daddy. He forced me to pursue Business Administration, instead. Why was I even suprised? Lahat naman kami rito robot. Kaso nga lang, si Kuya, nag-eenjoy.

Siya ang pinakamasayang robot na nakilala ko.

Sa likod ng mansyon, sa mainit na lounger, tanaw ko ang mga pinagmamalaking ari-arian ng pamilya ko. I couldn't just find it to myself to understand why some people worship money so much that they often forget to be happy. O baka naman kasi pera ang happiness nila? Pero bakit? It isn't as if you can bring your money to heaven. Magagamit mo ba pangsuhol kay San Pedro 'yon para papasukin ka sa langit? May entrance fee ba? Wala naman siguro.

Aalis na sana 'ko kanina kung 'di ko lang narinig na magkausap si Kuya at Tita Martha sa phone. Mukhang pupunta rin siyang ospital. Ayoko nga siyang kasabay. Baka uminit lang ulo ko tapos ay mabanggit ko kay Tita Martha lahat ng sinabi niya.

I sighed. That was indeed the worst fight we ever had.

Tita Martha:

Zuriel's here. I thought you're with him. Di ka pupunta?

Napangiti ako.

For my whole life, Levi was the only perfect thing has ever happened to me. 'Yung tipong, ginusto talaga ng puso ko. When I said yes to him, sobrang gaan ng pakiramdam ko. That was the happiest day of my life. 'Yung tipong, finally, nakapagdesisyon din ako para sa sarili ko. 'Yung walang lumalason sa utak ko. 'Yung walang nag-utos sa 'kin para sumagot ng oo. Kasi that time, gusto ko talaga. Desisyon ko talaga.

I sent a reply kay Tita Martha, assuring her na pupunta ako ngunit 'di na nagdagdag ng detalye.

"Heard you had a row with kuya?"

Napalingon ako sa gilid kung saan nagmula ang boses. My eyes grew wider when it perched on Bailey, my youngest brother.

"Bailey!"

Without shilly-shallying, I closed the space between us. I can't help but tighten my embrace that he almost choked to death but just like the old times, he did not complain.

"Oh, my God! Finally! I thought it will take life and death to see you! We're seriously living in the same house but we barely even see each other."

"You just arrived last last day, Ate. Wag kang OA."

I rolled my eyes and pulled away.

"OA ka diyan! I was just stating facts! I was kind of expecting you'll meet me upon arrival but you did not. You already failed to fetch me in NAIA tapos 'di ka pa nagpakita rito."

Umismid siya. "Tell that to you nagger friend."

I chortled. "Away pa rin kayo?"

Mata niya naman ngayon ang umikot. He turned his back and began to walk. I chuckled and trailed behind him.

"She's literally always around here. Ang gulo gulo niyang tao. You can't blame me kung bakit wala ako lagi sa bahay. Wala ka. Wala si Kuya. Wala si Mom. Wala si Dad. You can't expect me to stay here forever. Sawang sawa na ko sa mukha ng witch na 'yon."

I laughed like a drain. They literally never reconciled. We already got used to seeing them argue even over petty things. Kapag may opinion ang isa, gagawa ng paraan ang isa para mambara. They were always like that. I don't think it will ever change.

"Witch talaga?"

Naupo ako sa tapat ng round table. Bailey did the same across.

"I believe she casts a spell kay Kuya kaya patay na patay sa kaniya. Hindi pumapatol si Kuya sa maingay. Si ate Faye ang tipo no'n."

My eyes widened. "Don't say that when she's here!"

Luminga pa ako sa paligid to confirm that there were no intruding ears. Lalo na si Chelzie! Mahilig pa naman mag-eavesdrop yo'n. Baka mapatay na nila ang isa't isa kapag nagkataon. She's dead insecure kay Ate Faye because of his past with Kuya. And hearing this from Bailey will surely make her come out with all guns blazing.

Bailey scowled. "Wala naman siya. At kahit nandito siya, wala akong pake."

Napailing ako, may multo ng ngisi sa labi. "Seriously, Chelzie's nice. Maingay lang talaga. Kuya won't be madly crazy deeply inlove with her-"

"Kung hindi niya kinulam si Kuya."

I hoot with laughter again. Noon ay nalulungkot ako kapag nag-aaway sila. Ngayon, sanay na 'ko. Tinatawanan ko na lang. They were getting so silly. Habang tumatagal, nagiging absurd ang pinaglalaban nilang dalawa.

"Naniniwala ka talagang mangkukulam si Chelzie?"

His eyes rolled, still wearing that familar frown. "Whatever. Why are we even talking about her? Tell me about your experience sa Seoul."

Napangiti ako. Aside from the fact na hindi ko sila kasama do'n, it was still good. I suddenly missed my friends sa Seoul. Hindi ako nakapagpaalam sa kanila. Alam ko kasi na pipigilan nila 'ko. I don't want to see their disappointed looks. Siguro tatawagan ko na lang sila mamaya. I will initiate this time. Nakauwi na kasi ang dalawang kaibigan namin. 'Yung isa nasa Nampo. Yung isa nasa Honghin. They were trying to call me nung isang araw pa lang but I refused to answer their calls. I texted them. Sabi ko, tsaka na lang kami magvideocall kapag kumpleto na sila.

"Masaya. Nakakahome-sick nga lang pero... kaya naman. I made new friends and they are so nice, Bail. They find you attractive, too, lalo na si Cass. Half Pinay 'yun." I wagged my brows which earned me a death glare from him. I laughed. "Anyway, I really had fun. Nakakastress nga lang. Lalo na nung first month, sobrang na-stress ako sa company. Matinding adjusment talaga lalo na sobrang iba 'yung environment. But thank God He sent me someone like Miss Paige. 'Di niya ko pinabayaan."

He nodded, tapping his fingers above the table. "You seemed to enjoy Seoul pretty much."

"Of course! There's no way I would not, brother. People are nice," nakangiting sagot ko. "Saka... kahit naman stress ako sa business, may time pa rin akong maghang-out. You know, night parties. Nakakatuwa nga, 'e. Parang alam mo 'yun... At some part of my life, I felt free. 'Di tulad dito. Manila's suffocating."

He grinned. "Manila? Or people in Manila?"

"Responsibilities in Manila."

Totoo 'yon. My life in Seoul was very unlike in Manila. Kahit na may mga mabibigat na task na nakapatong sa balikat ko, that's totally fine. At least, I got to put my feet at leisure after. Hindi tulad dito. Wala nga 'kong negosyo na binabantayan, ang dami namang mga mata na nakatingin. And it became my responsibilty to show them what their eyes wanted to see. Mas mahirap na responsibilidad 'yon.

"How about Kuya Levi..." He averted his eyes away upon the mention of his name. "How are you guys before he went... you know."

"Relationship namin?" He nodded. "We're fine! Sobra! Hindi ko nga naramdaman na LDR kami 'e. Wala naman kasing nagbago. Minus the intimacy, s'yempre. Pero 'yung connection? Gano'n pa rin."

Kahit naman kasi seperated kami by lands and waters, gumagawa kami ng paraan. Kapag mahal mo kasi talaga 'yung tao, kahit milyong planeta pa nakapagitan sa inyo, you will always find way to connect to the person. You will always find reasons.

Minutes passed and a maid went out of the house, bringing us a pitcher of orange juice. She placed it above the table together with the two empty glasses. Bailey thanked her and her cheeks automatically turned red. Kunot-noo kong tinignan si Bailey pagkaalis no'ng babae. He grabbed the pitcher and poured the juice on his glass. He looked normal. Hindi niya siguro napansin.

I wagged my head with a teasing grin and filled one of the glasses with juice.

"Do you believe that... distance can kill love?" asked Bailey.

"Ha?"

I was surprised. I never expect him to throw questions like this. It was just so... out of the blue. And very out of his character.

"You mean, if it can destroy relationship?" Tumango siya, 'di makatingin. "Of course not! Depende sa couples 'yun, Bail. Unfortunately, there were long-distant couples na hindi kinakaya. Pero meron din namang nakakasurvive. Like us."

I took a sip of the orange juice. Sa hindi maipaliwanag na kadahilanan, Bailey's mood suddenly dropped. Obvious 'yon. Nangunot ang noo ko. He's acting weird all of a sudden. Malalim ang gitla sa noo niya at pinaglalaruan ang hawak na baso. My eyes shrank as I tried to read what was going on inside his head.

"Bail..."

He drained the glass and set it back on the table. I shifted to my seat, thinking that my answer wasn't probably enough for him.

"Alam mo, totoong mahirap ang LDR. Less time with each other. Given na 'yun. Pero tulad nga ng sabi ko, depende 'yun sa couples. After all, matter of choices din naman. Choice mo kung kakapit ka pa o bibitaw ka na. Bakit mo ba natanong? May ka-LDR ka?"

"What? No!" May kasama pang pagluwa ng mata ang pagtanggi niya. Naningkit ang mga mata ko, hindi kuntento. "Wala nga!"

I laughed, having fun of teasing him.

Madami pa kaming pinagkwentuhan ni Bailey. He told me about his experiences as a senior high school student. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong maging grateful. Was I lucky kasi 'di ko naabutan 'yon?

I think, students these days are luckier. At least, they were already equipped with some basic yet necessary knowledge before they go to college. Hindi tulad namin. The transition from junior high school to college is a no joke.

"Just face the challenge, Bail. Nakaka-drain lang ng energy ang pagcocomplain. Kahit naman magcomplain ka nang maraming beses, walang mangyayari. It is already enforced. Kung ako sayo, save the energy to something productive. Mas worth it. Kaysa naman sa paulit-ulit na pagrereklamo. Sayang oras," I adviced him.

"I just really can't help it... Sabi ng classmate ko, pag-aaralan din naman sa college lahat ng pinag-aaralan namin ngayon. We're just prolonging the agony."

Umiling ako. "Sa college kasi, it's hard to shift course. At least sa curriculum ngayon, you can evaluate your decision first bago ka magcollege. Kapag hindi mo gusto 'yung strand mo, pwede kang mag-iba ng course. Kumbaga, hindi ka basta-basta sasabak sa gyera na hindi mo naman gusto. That's the advantage."

"But the advantage is always futile in this family."

My shoulders fell. My heart bled for him, really. That was the saddest part. 'Di ko rin masisisi si Bailey kung bakit hindi siya natutuwa sa curriculum na 'to. Kahit naman kasi hindi niya gusto, may ibang gagawa ng desisyon. The additional years in high school just delayed the inevitable for students like Bailey. Pagtapos nito, sasabak pa rin siya sa gyera na hindi niya gusto. He's fully equipped, yes. Pero hindi ito ang gusto niya.

I reached for his hand above the table.

"I'm sorry..." I smiled. It obviously confused him. "I hope there's something I could do but... we're just in the same boat."

He smiled. "Same goes when Kuya can't do anything to help you. Gan'to rin 'yun, Ate. Kahit gusto mo kong matulungan, wala kang magawa."

Unti-unti kong inalis ang kamay ko sa kaniya at ngumiti. I got his point. But Kuya and I were totally different. Pareho lang kaming walang magawa pero magkaiba kami. Ako, gusto kong may magawa kahit alam kong wala. Siya, bukod sa wala siyang magawa, ayaw niya talaga.

"But really, it's okay. I understand. I already gave up the idea. Kung nakaya mo, kaya ko rin."

He smiled, brushing off the thought of talking about Kuya. I appreciate it. Ramdam niya siguro na ayaw ko munang pag-usapan.

It was 5 in the afternoon when I decided to leave. Walang bantay si Levi nang maabutan ko sa k'warto niya. It was actually a surprise. I was quite expecting na makikita ko si tita Martha na nagbabantay roon. Ate Faye might have done something again to make her go home. Nang lapitan ko si Levi, ganoon pa rin. Nothing has changed since the last time I visited him. Wala pa ring malay. Pangatlong Linggo na siyang comatose bukas kapag hindi pa siya nagising.

I was staring blankly at the ceiling while my body was resting on the couch. I tapped my fingers above my tummy, counting all the things I should ponder on.

Una, si Levi.

I don't know what He's planning to do with him. Hindi naman siguro siya kukunin kaagad ng Diyos. I have faith. Hindi naman siguro ako sobrang samang tao para gawin sa 'kin 'yon. He can't just take away the first person to believe in me. Pa'no na lang ako kapag nangyari 'yon? I'll suffer. The word isn't enough, actually. Baka sa sobrang hirap, gugustuhin ko na lang din sumama sa kaniya.

My problem with Dad wasn't even helping. Hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin kami nag-uusap. I'm a big fat liar kung sasabihin kong hindi ako bothered. Of course, I am. Walang araw na hindi ako nanginig sa takot sa tuwing naiisip ko ang pag-uwi niya rito. Sana palipasin muna niya ang Graduation ni Bailey bago ako bugahan ng apoy. Kahit naman hindi masaya si Bailey sa strand na kinuha niya, alam kong importante pa rin 'yon sa kaniya. It was another milestone, anyway. Dapat lang i-celebrate. And Dad's issue with me shall not intertwine.

Naisip ko rin si Kuya.

That was indeed the worst fight. Noon, walang pag-aalinlangan na hihingi ako ng sorry. I hate it everytime my brothers were being cold. Malamig lang sila makitungo sa iba pero hindi ako kabilang doon sa iba. Hindi ako mapakali. Kaya nga todo iwas ako kagabi na magkita kami. I've already seen this coming. And now that it actually happened, I don't have idea what to do next. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to approach him and say sorry.

The damage has already been done.

But the other side of my brain was arguing, saying it was never too late to fix the damage.

Napahilamos ako sa mukha ko. I really don't know what to do. Kailangan ko pang kausapin ang mga kaibigan ko sa Korea. For sure, tampo na sa 'kin ang mga 'yon.

And the pending tasks.

'Yung mga iniwan kong gawain sa agency dahil nagmadali akong pumunta rito. Maybe I can ask my secretary to send me some files. Pwede naman sigurong magtrabaho ako kahit nandito ako sa Manila.

Napabangon ako. I leaned my back and massaged my temple when the thoughts began to make me dead on my feet. Thinking has never been this exhausting until life decided to make everything hard for me. Nakakapagod.

Feeling ko may trust issue na rin ako sa sarili ko. I can't decide on my own. Hindi ko alam kung anong sunod na gagawin. Baka magkamali ako. Baka magsisi. Nakakatakot.

Sabagay. Disappointment naman na ako noon pa. This won't shock me anymore. Failure— isang cliche na deja vu 'yan sa buhay ko.

Tinawagan ko ang mga kaibigan ko at kinulang ang isang oras para maintindihan nila ang desisyon ko. I keep on explaining to them na comatose ang fiancee ko at 'di ako mapakali sa Seoul. Sa huli, naggive up na rin sila sa pag-iinterrogate pero alam kong hindi pa rin sila okay sa rason ko. They find it lame, something I could not understand. They would've done the same kung sila ang nasa posisyon ko. Why did everybody can't see the point?

"Dumalaw na po ba sila mommy, Tita?"

Naabutan ako ni Tita sa ospital. I was planning to stay overnight to make amends for all my shortcomings. Saktong dumaan siya para i-check si Levi. 'Yun nga lang, hindi ata siya magtatagal kasi pupunta pa siyang opisina. Like mine, her world halted, too. Ngayon ay nagagahol siya sa mga pending tasks dahil ang iba, may specific due pa.

"Yes. Your mom went here last week. Kaya nga napakiusapan ko siyang pauwiin ka."

"'Yung mga kapatid ko po?"

She was obviously taken aback. Natigilan siya. Nawala rin ang maingay na tunog ng nagbabanggaang baso at kutsara nang napahinto siya sa paghahalo ng kape. She cleared her throat and went closer to Levi. Naupo siya sa tabi ng kama, nakatalikod sa 'kin.

"Si Zuriel, oo. He usually visit here with his fiancee."

I nodded and chuckled. "I'm sorry for Bailey's absence, tita. For sure mas matutuwa si Levi kapag bumisita siya kaso wala 'e... You know him naman po, 'di ba? He's always busy. Lalo ngayon... he's fixing his requirements. Graduating 'e."

She sipped on her mug, didn't utter any.

Mag-aalas otso nang dumating ang doktor ni Levi. Nasa gilid lamang ako habang chinecheck niya ang mga vital signs. Matapos ay tinanggal niya ang stethoscope. He sighed and faced me. Mukhang disappointed.

"Kamusta po?"

He shook his head and averted his eyes back to levi.

I bit my lower lip. Sinulyapan ko rin si Levi na wala pa ring malay. Kung titignan, para lang siyang tulog. Lubog lang ang pisngi niya dahil nangayayat siya nang sobra. Bukod do'n, wala sa ekspresyon ng mukha niya ang hirap. Parang tulog lang talaga. Just don't make a mistake by altering your gaze on the apparatuses attached on his body. It was making a deep cut on my chest. Like a rude awakening, it will make you realize he wasn't fine and he's far from being one.

"To say he's weak is not enough. He's critical, hija. Levi's condition is critical. Halos isang Linggo rin siya sa ICU bago namin na-transfer dito. It wasn't easy. At some point... I thought..." he trailed.

"You thought... what?"

Huminga siya nang malalim. "I thought Levi won't make it..."

Natulala ako sa mga mata niya. Halatang stress na stress na maging si Doctor Tolentino. Levi's not just his patient. Ninong rin siya nito dahil bata pa lang, siya na ang pinagkakatiwalaan ng mga Gilmore. He sees him as more than a patient. And to hear this from him... it was starting to shake my hope. And my faith. If he was thinking that Levi could not probably make it, then his condition must be terribly bad.

Hindi ko yata kakayanin kung nandito ako noong mga oras na 'yon. Pero ang hirap din tanggapin na wala ako. I wasn't beside him. It all happened to him while I was away.

"That night... Levi's at his worst. Hindi siya makahinga. Lupaypay na ang katawan niya. He's pale," he said. "After his resuscitation, tumigil ang blood flow sa cerebrum niya. Nagkulang ang supply ng oxygen. Akala namin, magigising din kaagad siya. Pero lumipas ang 24 hours, wala pa rin siyang malay. His condition is getting worse day by day. Minsan, hindi na normal ang heartbeat niya."

A huge lump stocked up on my throat. Hinawakan ko ang neckline ng suot kong blouse. Parang... hindi ako makahinga. I know it was hellish. Aware ako na hindi maganda ang lagay niya. Pero hindi ko alam na ganito. Hindi ko inaasahan na ganito.

I sniffed. Nanlalabo ang mga mata ko. Nahihirapan si Levi. This is torturing him... us. Kung araw-araw lumalala ang kondisyon niya... paano na? Anong mangyayari sa susunod na araw? Kaya ba sobrang anxious si Tita?

Pumatak ang luha ko. Mabilis kong pinunasan 'yon at hinilamos ang palad ko sa mukha. Humakbang ako palapit kay Levi at naupo sa tabi ng kama. I caressed his hair.

I know he can do this. We can do this. We should.

"I'm not saying this to threaten you, hija. Sinasabi ko sa 'yo 'to kasi alam kong may magagawa ka. Noon pa man, sinabi ko na kay Mrs. Gilmore na dalhin ang pasyente sa US. Ayaw naman nila rito dahil wala raw silang tiwala. I've been suggesting heart transplant for years. Paulit-ulit. Hindi siya nakikinig. Now... I don't think it is the best time para ilabas ang pasyente. He's not in a good shape."

Tumango ako.

Naiintiindihan ko rin naman si Tita Martha. She was just traumatized and surely did not want a rerun of the past. Ito rin kasi ang kumuha sa buhay ni Tito Gabby. He didn't die exactly because of his cancer. He died while his surgeons were performing the operation. 'Di niya kinaya. And Tita Martha must be so scared that Levi would end up just like his Dad.

Pero tama rin si Doctor Tolentino. We have to take the risk. Because if we won't...

Paano namin mapapalaya sa sakit na 'to si Levi? Hahayaan na lang ba namin na magsuffer siya rito habang buhay? He doesn't deserve that!

"I..." I bit my lips. "I'll see what I can do."

Tumango siya. "I hope there is." He smiled, kinuha ang mga gamit. "Mauna na 'ko. I'll just do my rounds. Please feel free to approach me if you need something."

I just gave him a nod. Inayos niya ang coat niya at huling beses na pinasadahan ng tingin si Levi. Napasulyap ulit ako sa fiancee ko. Upon caressing his hair, I remembered something. Kumunot ang noo ko at muling tinawag si Doctor Tolentino. Palabas na sana siya pero sinara niya ulit ang pinto para bigyan ako ng atensyon.

"That night... do you know what happened?"

Kumunot ang noo niya. When he realized what I meant, he gave me a slight smile and shook his head.

"Not really. Hindi naman nakwento ni Mrs. Gilmore. Pero nang itakbo rito si Levi, nanghihina siya. He was having a hard time catching his breath and..." He c****d his head, both ends of his brows converging. "There were blood stains..."

"Blood stains?"

Napatayo ako, naguguluhan na lumapit sa kaniya. Alam ko na nadamay siya no'ng nagkagulo raw sa club. Pero gaano ba kalala 'yon?

He shrugged. "I don't know. Sabi lang, nadamay raw siya sa gulo. It was crowded. Nahirapan siyang huminga. And based on my observation, hindi lang siya isang beses nasuntok. May mga bruises din siya sa katawan. Marami."

I clenched my jaw. Naalala ko 'yung mga kaibigan ni Levi. Sila 'yung pinapunta rito ni Ate Faye. I really don't know them. Iba ang mga mukhang 'yon sa circle of friends nina Kuya. They weren't familiar. Sabi pa noon ni Chelzie, madalas daw silang maghang-out kasama si Levi. At sa ilang minuto na nakasama ko sila rito, ramdam ko na di nila 'ko gusto. They didn't even acknowledge me as Levi's fiancee. Si Naiah lang ang kumausap sa 'kin.

Paano kung may pagka-gangster pala ang isa sa mga kaibigan niya? Tapos may nakaaway na matindi ang galit? I will never forgive them kung gano'n nga ang nangyari tapos nadamay lang si Levi.

"Are they taking legal actions?" I asked. I trust Tita Martha won't let this pass.

"Hindi ko alam. I don't really intrude pagdating sa mga ganiyang bagay. Ginagawa ko lang ang trabaho ko. Better ask his mother."

Nagpasalamat ako kay doctor Tolentino bago siya umalis. Just by the time he opened the door, a girl standing outside peeped from the small frame. Binati siya ni Chelzie bago bigyang daan. Nang makalabas ang doctor, Chelzie came inside.

"Kamusta raw si Levi?" she asked upon closing the door.

"Wala pa ring improvements."

I went back to my seat. Chelzie's still wearing her office attire, probably went straight here from Burton firm. The side of my head touched my shoulder as I tried to peek from her back, expecting that someone will come after her.

"You're not with him?"

She smiled timidly. "Maaga akong nag-out."

Lumapit siya sa 'kin. Nakatingin lamang ako kay Levi. Pero ang atensyon ko, nakikiramdam kay Chelzie. Silence engulfed us for a moment. Ilang beses siyang bumuntong-hininga bago siya sumuko, malamang ay hindi na kinaya ang katahimikan.

I felt her hand on my shoulder. "Blaire, can we talk?"

Mabilis akong tumango. I wasn't unexpected. I'm positive, it is about what happened earlier between me and her fiancee. Kuya might have mentioned it to her since no one aside from him would do so.

I don't know what kuya told her and what he chose to leave unsaid. I hoped it wouldn't aggravate the situation. Maloloka na ko kung pati kami ni Chelzie, magkakaproblema rin.

Then it hit me.

Galit sa 'kin si Dad.

Galit sa 'kin si Kuya.

Hindi kaya...

Ako talaga ang may problema?

"I'm sorry if I kind of stole you from Levi. This will be quick."

I shook my head and smiled. "It's fine."

And that was when I realized that we really were not okay. Hindi siya basta-basta nagsosorry. And everytime she does, my eyes will just roll on her.

Dinala niya 'ko sa canteen ng ospital kung saan walang masyadong tao. Kung mayroon man, mga nagpapalipas lang din ng oras. I trailed behind her until she spotted a seat near the air conditioner. Nagpaalam siya saglit para daw bumili ng inumin. Pagbalik niya, may dala na siyang dalawang paper cups. Nanuot sa ilong ko ang aroma ng kape nang ilapag niya 'yon sa tapat ko. I'd probably tease her if it was one of our normal days. Hindi naman kasi siya nanlilibre. But it wasn't. So instead, I opted to thank her.

She took a sip on her own coffee. After clearing her throat, she smiled.

"Zuriel..." panimula niya. "He told me that... you two are not in good terms right now. Is that true?"

I breathed and crossed my legs. I'm sure she knows it and is surely just asking for a confimation.

"It's not like that. Nagkasagutan lang kami kanina. He was mad dahil sa nangyari kagabi and I was frustrated. Masama ang pakiramdam ko. I told him to give me some time pero atat siyang makipag-usap. Obviously, it didn't turn well," paliwanag ko. "But don't worry, okay? Those were just some of... petty stuffs that siblings normally do."

"I know it wasn't normal, Blaire," aniya. "Hindi magsasabi sa 'kin si Zuriel kung wala lang 'yon. I know him. It's not so him to tell me whatever's bothering him so I'm positive that what happened between you two is something so hard for him to swallow."

Bumaba ang tingin niya sa paper cup na pinaglalaruan ng kamay niya. Pinanood ko lang siya. I don't know what to say. Anong gusto niyang sabihin. Na bothered din si Kuya? Malamang, sinampal ko siya 'e. That was the first time. Sinagot ko rin siya nang pabalang. Paanong hindi? Hindi niya alam kung gaanong hirap na hirap na 'ko sa pagpipigil. My emotions were overflowing and yet, he chose to mention my fiancee in a not so good way. That's when my anger finally reached its peak.

"Can I ask you something?" Chelzie asked, before she could even realize she already did.

I pursed my lips and nodded. She breathed. Kinailangan pa niyang sumimsim sa kape bago bumuntong hininga. Bakas ang hirap sa mukha niya at mukhang siya pa ang pinaka-troubled sa nangyari.

"Is it my fault?"

My jaw fell. Parang pinipiga ang puso ko habang nakatingin sa mga mata niya. Pain crossed her eyes and since she's too transparent, it isn't that hard to perceive.

Hindi ko alam kung anong isasagot ko. I am aware. 'Yung issues ko naman kasi talaga ang dahilan kung bakit nangyari ang kagabi. Pero alam ko sa sarili ko na ginawa ko naman ang lahat. I did everything to keep it to myself and refrain myself from saying anything I'd surely regret. Hindi ko nga siya nagawang banggitin kay Kuya. Kaya paano niya naisip na kasalanan niya?

"I'm not blind..." She barely pulled herself away from the table. "Hindi rin ako bingi, Blaire. Narinig ko na kayo ni Levi noon. Matagal ko na ring napapansin. I know your issues. Dapat matagal na kitang kinumpronta pero... natakot ako, 'e. And partly, nagtatampo." She chuckled.

"Chelz..."

Umiling siya. "Zuriel knows. Napagtalunan na kasi namin 'to noon. Ayoko rin naman kasi 'yung thought na masama loob mo sa kaniya dahil sa 'kin. I thought he understands. Tapos kanina..." Her shoulders fell. She, then, shrugged, looking so disappointed. "He bursted out again and probably, he realized it after. Nagpunta siya sa 'kin and we kind of talked. Sobrang bigat sa pakiramdam, Blaire. I know he's guilty."

It took long for me to process what she said. Sumimsim siya sa kape. I was shocked. Una, alam nila? Pangalawa, pinagtalunan na nila? Bakit hindi nila sinabi sa 'kin? Okay, given the fact that I did not let them know either. But that was because I just want to keep it to myself! That was my problem and not theirs to begin with. Pero kung alam naman na pala nila at wala na 'kong maitatago, dapat sinabi nila! We should've talked about it!

"I know you're thinking that Zuriel isn't giving a rap with your feelings pero maniwala ka sa 'kin, Blaire. I was there. I was with him everytime he's dead worried for you and Bailey. I was there when your two brothers argued because Bailey did not want you to leave. I saw how miserable he was because he wanted to do something but unfortunately cannot. Before we officially became a thing though I was there to give him some pep talks, alam ko. Alam ko kung gaano siya nahirapan no'ng nag-away sila ng Daddy mo. Alam mo kung bakit?"

Pumikit ako. Parang ayaw tanggapin ng tainga ko ang lahat ng sinasabi niya. Kumukuyom ang puso ko, parang paulit-ulit na pinipiga. And before I knew it, my cheeks were already soaked in tears.

Si Kuya.

He's always my weakness even before.

And I guess until now.

"He enrolled you sa Journalism, Blaire. He didn't tell your Dad."

Parang nabasag na pinggan 'yon sa tainga ko.

I was in agape, doubting my ears, because what she has just said was something really hard to believe. Her words relentlessly echoed inside my head. Si Kuya... he enrolled me sa Journalism? But he told me he did not want to! Sabi niya, hindi 'yon bagay sa 'kin! He told me! Siya nga ang nagpush sa 'kin na mag-Business!

"Your papers weren't totally processed, Blaire. Nalaman kasi ng Dad mo. And there... galit na galit siya. Noong time na pinalayas niya si Zuriel, naaalala mo?" Hindi ako makasagot, nag-uunahan pababa sa mukha ko ang mga luha ko. Ni hindi ko magawang kumurap. "That was it."

She was just watching the tears drip down my cheeks and weighing my emotion. Alam niya. Noon pa man, si Kuya na ang kahinaan ko. If it wasn't Levi, she already knew it was Kuya who exactly was the blameworthy for my tears. Pinunasan ko ang mga luha ko at yumuko. Gusto kong tumakbo. Kung totoo nga ang mga sinabi niya, wala na kong maihaharap na mukha kay Kuya. I've been burrying it deep within my soul for almost my whole life. Itong issue na 'to, matagal na kong pinapatay. And it turns out...

"Look... I'm not saying this para tumakbo ka kay Zuriel at magkaayos kayo. I just want you to understand things. Sa totoo lang, Blaire, sarili mo lang ang pinapahirapan mo. I understand that he isn't showy. Pero sa tuwing nagpapakita siya ng concern, namimisinterpret mo naman. Iniisip mo na ako ang dahilan kahit hindi naman. How can you see how good he is as a brother kung sa tuwing inaayos niya ang relasyon niya sa inyo, 'yung mali ang nakikita niyo?"

It rendered me speechless. Nanatili lang akong nakayuko at hindi makatingin sa kaniya. For a moment, I couldn't find the right words to say. Gusto kong isuka lahat ng sinasabi niya. I want to refute. I want to defend myself. Kaso wala akong masabi. Ayaw gumalaw ng dila ko.

"Do you want me to slap you with the truth, Blaire?" Hindi ako sumagot. Nagpatuloy siya. "You're one hell of an insecure sister. Insecure ka. Kay Zuriel. Hindi sa 'kin. You're far from being jealous," she made a point. Tinignan ko siya. She smiled. "Tama ako di ba? Insecure ka kasi si Zuriel ang palaging nakikita ng mga parents niyo. Insecure ka kasi siya ang palaging magaling. Sa kaniya ka palaging nakukumpara. At dahil insecure ka, hindi mo matanggap lahat ng ginagawa niya para sa 'yo. Everytime he'll show concern, you'd rather think the other way around. Iba ang gusto mong paniwalaan. You keep on convincing yourself that he isn't all good. Na sa kabila ng pagiging mabuti niyang CEO, anak, at fiancee, he failed to be a good brother."

Her words hit me like an arrow from a bow. My eyes were sore from all the crying. Hindi maampat ang pagluha ko. I parted my lips to refute but I was damn affected. Wounded and tongue tied, I found it hard to speak.

She sighed. Ngumiti siya sa 'kin bago siya tumayo. "I'm not your enemy, Blaire. No one's your enemy. Alam mo kung sinong kaaway mo?" Tinuro niya ako. "Ayan. 'Yang sarili mo. Sarili mo lang din ang nagpapahirap sa 'yo. I'm not telling you this kasi galit ako. I'm more like concern as your friend because I can't stand seeing you like this. I love you both and I felt responsible for what happened."

Kinuha niya ang bag niya at nilampasan ako. Panicked crossed my system. Mabilis akong tumayo at inabot ang palapulsuhan niya.

"Chelz..."

She's stunned. Nagtataka niya kong hinarap. Umiling ako na mas lalo pang nagpalito sa kaniya. She just can't leave. Not after she guilt-tripped me. I have to apologize. Alam ko na. I was finally enlightened. And I won't let this day pass that we weren't in good terms. I don't know how to deal with life anymore kung pati kami ni Chelzie, magkakaro'n ng problema.

She rolled her eyes. "Hindi ako aalis. Bibili lang ng pagkain. Ginutom ako sa 'yo."

It was a sigh of relief. Dahan-dahan akong tumango at pinakawalan siya. Umupo ako ulit nang maglakad siya patungo sa counter. Habang naghihintay, inisa-isa ko lahat ng sinabi niya.

Hindi ako nakapagsalita kasi tama siya.

Hindi ako nakasagot kasi tinamaan ako sa sinabi niya.

All this time, I wasn't jealous of Chelzie. Hindi si Chelzie ang problema ko. Hindi ang reputasyon ng pamilya. Truth be told, it was me and my insecurities. It's just me and my insecure self that kept on making myself believe that Kuya was unfair. I was so insecure because he's always the best. I was so insecure to the point of making him appear like the evil sibling when in fact, it's actually me who deserved the role. For years, I used to dwell with the thought. I used to live with the insecurity. Kaya nang lumaon, ako ang nagsuffer. Actually, hindi lang ako, kung 'di maging ang mga tao sa paligid ko. Pinahirapan ko sila.

I jerked my elbows above the table and grabbed my hair, inclining my head down.

Ang toxic.

Ang toxic kong kapatid.

Bumalik si Chelzie at may dala siyang carbonara for two. Binigay niya sa 'kin ang isa at inirapan ako. Pinanood ko lang siyang mag-inarte. Maya-maya ay may inabot siya sa 'kin. Nangunot ang noo ko.

"Resibo 'yan. Bayaran mo 'yang carbonara, wala pa 'kong sweldo. Tapos 'yung kape. 15 pesos 'yun do'n sa vendo."

Napangiti ako at tumango. Noon, iniirapan ko siya kapag ganito. Pero ngayon, 'di ko mapigilang matuwa. Guess we're good.

Sumimsim ako sa kape habang pinapanood siyang puluputin ang pasta sa tinidor.

"I'm sorry..." Napatingin siya sa kamay ko. Bumuntong hininga siya at muling bumalik sa pagkain. "Don't worry, I'll talk to him. Pero hindi muna ngayon. It was a heated argument, you know and the fire's still there."

Umismid siya. "And you know it will never stop burning unless someone will cease it."

I smiled timidly. Mag-uusap kami. I'll cease the fire. Pero hindi muna siguro sa ngayon. I have to have a clear mind kapag ginawa ko 'yon. Hindi lang naman ang tungkol sa kagabi ang dapat kong ihingi ng tawad. Marami.

Naging maayos naman ang pag-uusap namin ni Chelzie matapos no'n. She didn't dig any further about the row his fiancee and I just had. I don't know if she just wanted to respect my silence or she wasn't asking because Kuya already told her everything and she already knew the whole story.

"Mabuti na lang pala nagmagandang loob 'yung anak ng driver niyo, 'no? He really helped you out kagabi."

Muntik ko nang maibuga ang nginunguyang pasta. I quickly reached for the cup of coffee na hindi na mainit at nilagok 'yon. As in, literal na binuhos ko 'yon sa lalamunan ko.

"Close kayo?"

Nilagay ko sa likod ng tainga ko ang ilang tikwas ng buhok. I shook my head and tried my hardest not to lay an eye to her.

"No. Not really. It just happened na sila ang nakakita sa 'kin. He's with friends."

Good thing, she didn't ask for more details. I don't know why I am not really feeling comfortable talking about him. I don't think it is a good idea to tell her. I feel like... that is something that should be kept in my closet. The connection between me and that young man... isn't that important for them to know.

Natapos lamang ang pag-uusap namin ni Chelzie nang tumawag sa kaniya si Kuya. Natawa ko. Hindi pala alam ni Kuya na nagpunta siya rito. Kuya refrained her from talking to me about what have happened. Si Kuya na raw bahala at 'wag na siyang makialam. He must have forgotten that his fiancee was born stubborn. Napailing ako. Ngayon ay nagmamadali siyang umuwi sa unit niya dahil pupunta na raw do'n si Kuya at kailangan niyang maunahan.

I was on my way to Levi's room and was about to call it a night when I realized that that day was really out of my luck. Kasabay kong pumasok sa elevator ang couple na walang hiyang naglalampungan. I frowned. Sinadya kong paunahin sila para ako ang nasa tapat ng pinto. The door opened when we reached the second floor. Mabuti na lang. Naririndi na talaga ang mga tainga ko. This girl won't just stop from baby-talking and it irked me to death. Parang tanga.

"Nakaharang ka sa pinto, Miss. Padaanin mo naman kami ng boyfriend ko."

Kung makapagsabi naman 'to ng boyfriend, akala mo aagawan.

Lihim akong napairap.

Girls, bago kayo mag-assume, siguraduhin niyo naman na kaagaw-agaw 'yang jowa niyo. You look pathetic.

Pinagdiin ko ang mga labi ko bago umurong para padaanin sila. Sa totoo lang, sobrang sakit nila sa mata. Gusto kong ipaalala sa kanila na ospital 'tong napasok nila at hindi motel.

Natigil ako sa pag-iisip nang may makitang pamilyar na lalaki. The frame of his body was familiar. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang marealize kung sino.

The door of the elevator was still widely opened. May mga pumapasok pa rin kasi kaya natagalang magsara. My eyes were locked on that familiar man. He's wearing a white v-neck shirt and denim pants. Just by looking at his posture, I bet he just went out of a room and was accompanied by another man in his white uniform.

Jehoram was listening to the doctor attentively. Sinulyapan ko ang doctor na seryosong nagsasalita. He was explaining something while showing him the paper he's holding. Sa tindig nilang pareho, mukhang hindi na rin naman magtatagal ang pag-uusap nila.

Anong ginagawa niya roon?

I was deeply curious. Gusto kong malaman kung bakit siya nandoon. If it was really him I could see that time, it wasn't impossible, too, that it's also him I've seen the other day infront of the hospital.

Tapos na silang mag-usap ng doktor. He turned his back from the doctor and our eyes were about to meet but the door of the elevator chose to enter the scene.

My heart's pacing changed from normal to a faster rhythm. I don't know why but I suddenly felt nervous. I badly wanted to force the door open, run to him and ask him what he's doing there and why was he talking to a doctor. Because based on what I have observed, it was something serious.

Was he sick?

I tightened my grip to the handle of my Chanel bag. I am not concerned, okay? I don't care. Fine. Let's say that I care because I am bothered but I am not concerned. I am just... curious.

Maybe it was the guilt. I was guilty because he helped me out earlier and last night but unfortunately, I forgot to say thanks.

But hell.

That doesn't mean na concern ako, okay? I surely was not. Hell, why would I?

***

Ephesians 4:32 |

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.