Valeria

16 Consuelo

Parang hindi na ako sigurado kung gusto ko pa bang malaman ang pangalan niya. He looked dangerous enough with his sharp eyes. But that wasn’t the case. Ang concern ko ay iyong tanong niya.

For a moment there, I considered not having a connection with him just so… I could say yes. Like having a one-night stand with a stranger. Technically, he still was even though I knew I would recognize that face from a mile away.

Hindi niya ako kilala. Hindi ko rin siya kilala. Maaaring makita niya ang mukha ko sa iilang mga billboard pero hindi na niya siguro iisiping ako nga iyon at baka kamukha lang. I was thrilled with the idea of not knowing his name, his identity just so we could preserve whatever we had at that moment. To keep the connection, we must not have a connection.

But… as much as I reveled in his aggressiveness, I knew it was a damn crazy idea.

Ngumisi ako sa kaniyang mga matang pumupungay. Para bang sumeseryoso pero gustong pang makipaglaro. He’s crazy. It suited him and his overall charisma. A crazy, enigmatic gangster who also happened to be a gentleman with his little girl.

“May nakakatawa ba?” Ngumisi siya pabalik.

“You don’t like small talks, do you?” Tumagilid ang ulo ko.

“I’m not the charming type.”

“I can see that.”

His eyes drifted down on my left hand before looking back again in my eyes. “Sasampalin mo na ba ako dahil sa sinabi ko? Or shall I try again? Though rich girls like you are much harder to impress.”

For a brief moment there, I thought Parker’s father knew who I really was. Which, in my opinion, was not fair dahil kilala na niya ako.

“And how did you know that?” tanong ko.

“That you’re rich? Or that you’re hard to impress?”

“Hindi ako mayaman,” iling ko.

Nagkibit-balikat siya at humigop ng kape. “You have a nice set of teeth. That’s how you usually tell if someone is rich.”

Hindi ko napigilang mapahalakhak. I wasn’t quite sure if somebody ever complimented my teeth. It was nice to know though.

“Ano naman ngayon? Kapag mas mayaman sa’yo ang babae ay ayaw mo na?” I pointed out.

“Is this a trick?” Gumalaw ang kaniyang panga at namungay na naman ang mga mata. He looked drunk and sleepy with his eyes on me like that. Kahit na kape lang naman ang iinom namin. “The way I see it, it doesn’t really matter. I’m not asking you to date me. I’m just asking you to f**k me.”

Umayos ako ng upo at napalunok. I clenched my thighs together because his voice went lower and huskier. I didn’t know if he did that on purpose just so nobody would hear us.

Unti-unting nabura ang mga ngisi ko. Siya rin ay naging seryoso ang mukha. He’s too serious that I found it disarming. Suddenly, the rational part of my brain got alerted.

Why was I acting this way? Why was I being so casual with a stranger who just asked me to have s*x with him? Bakit ko tinanggal ang wedding ring ko kanina? Ano ba itong ginagawa ko?

This was wrong… terribly wrong. I was a married woman, and my husband was waiting back at home.

But I also couldn’t deny that talking to him felt nice. This was the first time that I spoke to someone who didn’t know me and my life’s tragedies. And it felt so, so good. Like I was something brand new and I could be anything I wanted. A damsel in distress, a nerd, a stripper. Anything.

Hindi ako si Sol na patong-patong ang problema. Isa lang akong babaeng nahulaan niyang mayaman. Nasa sa akin na kung daragdagan ko pa ba ang detalyeng iyon.

“Are you... only talking to me because of that?” I bit my lips.

“I told you, I’m not a charmer. What you see is what you get. I’m not trying to force you in any way at kung na-offend ka, sorry. Kaya tinatanong kita kanina kung sasampalin mo na ba ako.” He offered a tight smile although his eyes were unreadable. “Yeah, I’m sorry–”

“Don’t be,” mabilis kong putol.

Bahagyang napaawang ang kaniyang bibig. He pressed his tongue on his upper teeth, the mischief in his eyes showing back again. That suited him much better. Mukhang trying hard siyang mag-sorry kanina but at least he knew how… unlike some other people.

“I only have two questions.” It was my turn to ask.

“Fire away.”

“One. Bakit ako? And two. Are you single?” I licked my lips, feeling my pulse hiking up.

Mali ito, Sol. Hindi ikaw ito. Maling-mali ito. Ano bang ginagawa mo?

But… exactly. Hindi ako ito. This wasn’t Sol but just woman whom I didn’t know yet.

Tumayo ang tatay ni Parker at naglapag ng tip sa table. He fixed the collars of his black leather jacket before looking down at me, his somehow small gentle smile mocking. “Una, bakit hindi ikaw? Pangalawa, I refuse to be insulted even though you’re looking at me like I’m some fuckboy. I’m not, okay? I’m single and I only have casual s*x. That’s it.”

Parker was the first thing that came to my mind when he said that. Gusto kong magtanong kung nasaan ang nanay niya at bakit sinasabi ng tatay niya na single siya. The second thing was annoyance to myself because I was too transparent. Hindi siya nagkamali na mayroong panghuhusga sa akin habang inoobserbahan ang kaniyang pormahan.

But could I really blame myself? He just asked me if I wanted to f**k. That alone had me jumping into conclusions. Hindi na lang ako nagsalita.

“So?” Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay.

I looked up at him. Ready na siyang umalis. The question was, aalis ba siya na kasama ako o hindi?

The silence between us was so palpable that I swore I could have sliced it in half. Nakatingala lang ako sa kaniya samantalang siya ay nakababa ng tingin at naghihintay sa sagot ko.

They all thought I was crazy… but was I crazy enough to actually do this?

Not an hour later when the sun fully retired, I was kissing him, our lips and tongue engaged in an endless battle. He looked so rough and dirty but his lips contradicted everything. Malambot. Mainit. Marunong magdahan-dahan. Our kiss started off nice and easy but this was no vanilla relationship. Whatever this was, it’s something forbidden and unattached so everything must be rushed.

“Are we there yet?” hinihingal kong bulong sa kaniyang mga labi.

Binukas ko ang mga mata at sinilip ang mukha niyang pinapasadahan ng mga ilaw ng kapaligiran. From the passenger window, only the side of his devilishly handsome face could be seen. The half of it was being cradled by my hand, his spiky stubble tickling my palm. Nagpakawala siya ng isang malalim na hininga dahilan kung bakit tumaas ang mga balahibo ko.

“Ten minutes...” he grunted before pulling me back to him.

His soft lips that were already coated by my lipstick sought mine in a fiery dance once more. One swipe of his tongue and he earned an entrance. My hungry mouth welcomed his invasion and received his warmth. Sa rahas at bilis ng halikan namin ay rinig na rinig ko ang tunog na nagagawa nito. Our lips smacking with each other, the suckling, and the deep tongue kissing.

Napapikit ako nang bumaba ang kaniyang halik sa aking leeg. I was gasping for air, the hairs on my arm rising. Naghahalo ang malalakas na mga t***k ng puso ko at ang pakiramdam ng mainit niyang mga labi sa balat ko. I was so sensitive that I thought I’d combust from it.

I cracked an eye open to look at the mindless taxi driver in front. Sobrang lakas ng stereo niya kaya kahit siguro magsigawan kami ng tatay ni Parker ay hindi siya lilingon. Kanina pa kami bumabyahe at dapat sanang pupunta sa isang hotel. We would’ve made it there already if we weren’t sitting in traffic for almost twenty minutes now.

I couldn’t believe I was making out with a stranger inside a cab. With the driver in front while we’re waiting for the trafficlights to go green. This was clearly a public place. Never in a million years did I imagine myself to be in this situation.

And that was made it thrilling. Kaya sobrang sensitibo ako at tarantang-taranta ay dahil sa bagong karanasan. One wrong move and the driver would see us. But... then again... so what? Ano ngayon kung makita niya kaming naghahalikan sa loob ng kotse niya?

I must be really turning crazy. Parker’s father was the sole reason of it as of the moment especially when he slid his hand inside my chiffon top. Hindi ko napigilan ang sariling tingnan iyon. Tama lang ang mga ilaw sa kalsada para makitang naroon nga ang kamay niya sa dibdib ko at mukhang papunta na rin doon ang mga halik.

Umayos ako ng upo ngunit naramdaman kaagad ang umbok sa kaniyang zipper. Lalong uminit ang temperatura ng katawan ko. We were like teenagers that couldn’t get enough of each other. Even the car was slightly shaking because of our movements.

“I want you to suck my dick...” he whispered breathlessly.

Napaawang ang aking bibig. I wanted to at least have a violent reaction because that request was a bit too much. Hindi ko magawa iyon dahil halos mabaliw na ako sa ginagawa niya sa aking dibdib. My top was a bit sheer so his mouth had easily latched on the tip of my breast. The other one was being played by his fingers, his thumb rolling my taut n*****s.

“f**k, baby. Suck my d**k now...” parang nauubusan ng hininga niyang bulong.

The way his guttural voice went straight to my ears was so sexy. I couldn’t help but to clench my thighs together. Dahil sa nag-aalab na emosyon ay ginusto ko ring gawin ang utos niya. Umahon ako sa pagkakasandal upang siya naman ang pagsilbihan.

“f**k, f**k, fuck.” Paulit-ulit ang kaniyang mga bulong nang mabilisan kong kinalag ang kaniyang belt. It was making a clinking sound so I was always glancing at the rearview mirror. The thrill of getting caught only turned me on even more. Kaya mabilis kong natanggal ang butones ng kaniyang jeans at naibaba ang zipper. Parker’s father rose a bit to help me adjust his jeans down. In a matter of seconds, I had his c**k in my mouth while my hands held his balls. “‘Tangina...”

He was huge, easily stretching my lips and filling my mouth. I found it hard to breathe with his pulsating girth pressing on my tongue. It was very warm, its skin velvety and smooth. Kahit nahihirapang huminga at nasisikipan sa backseat ay nagpatuloy ako. Magkasabay ang pagtaas-baba ng aking ulo at mga kamay.

Suddenly, he grabbed a handful of my hair to control the push and pull of my head. Masakit ang sabunot niya pero wala na rin akong pakialam. Then it was all happening so fast. Three more thrusts and he was shooting his c*m straight down to my throat. Umahon ang luha sa mga mata ko dahil hindi na makahinga. I was only able to breathe when he pulled out. But then he wasn’t finished blowing all his load yet so some of it spurted on my cheeks.

The shrill ringing of my phone woke me up from my trance. Mabilis kong binunot ang panyo sa bulsa at pinunasan ang mukha. Parker’s father was still breathing hard when I sat up and held my cellphone against my ear.

“Where are you? It’s getting late already.” Si Beatus ang nagsalita.

Kukurap-kurap ako sa tatay ni Parker na namumungay ang mga mata sa akin. His hand grabbed my boob but I was fast to swat it away. Kumunot ang kaniyang noo.

“P-Pauwi na...” sabi ko sa asawa ko.

Beatus muttered a few words before dropping the call. Then I turned to Parker’s father who was looking intently at me. “Ano? Hindi na tayo tuloy?”

“Yeah, sorry...” I licked my lips.

Marahas niyang sinuklay ng kamay ang mahabang buhok. His eyes were still so intense as if he didn’t c*m in my mouth two minutes ago. Matapang masyado ang mga mata niya pero parang gusto ring magmakaawa.

“Tomorrow,” I blurted out all of sudden. “Tomorrow. Same time, same place. Kung... gusto mo pa rin.”

Parker’s father nodded silently, and then we became very quiet soon after.

Pagkarating ko sa bahay ay nakaabang kaagad si Beatus. Nasa garahe at nakapamaywang. Normally ay aabutan ko lang ito sa kwarto namin o ‘di kaya ay sa kusina at kaharap ang laptop. That was if he’s not in a businesstrip and he actually got home first before me. Isang kataka-takang imahe para sa akin na makita ang asawa kong naghihintay sa labas.

“Bakit ang tagal mo?” From arms akimbo, he crossed them together. “Anong ginawa mo sa labas?”

I was already experiencing the withdrawal of my high from earlier. His questions were not helping and only made me defensive.

“Bakit? Anong oras pa lang ba?” Sinipat ko ang relo. “Alas-otso pa lang, Beatus. Bakit ka ba ganiyan? Kailan ka pa naging ganiyan?”

And was he forgetting the true state of our marriage? Nakalimutan na ba niyang sobrang dalang na naming magkita? Na wala naman na talaga kaming pakialam kung uuwi ba o hindi ang isa?

“Working late means staying inside the office. It’s different from staying out, Sol. Sabi mo ay maglalakad-lakad ka lang pero anong oras na? Wala kang kasama tapos...” His eyes looked at me from head to toe, his head automatically shaking. “...ganiyan pa ang itsura mo.”

I clenched my teeth together instead of replying. Para na akong sasabog. What I had earlier was just a temporary bliss because I was back here again, here in my home that turned into my very own hellhole.

“Pupunta tayo bukas kina Lola. Last month pa sila nag-iimbitang bumisita tayo.” There was no room for discussion in Beatus’ tone.

Kahit gusto kong magreklamo ay nilampasan ko na lang siya. Tinanggal ko lang ang heels at ang pagkakapunggos ng buhok pagkatapos ay umakyat na. I locked myself in the bathroom and sat on the floor fully clothed.

Sobrang sakit ng ulo ko dahil sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko. Gusto ko na lang umiyak nang umiyak.

Earlier today in the office, I had an axiety attack in front of all our associates. Instead of getting encouragement, I got suspended from work for at least three weeks. Kapamilya ko pa ang mga bumotong patalsikin ako. After that, I faced my now estranged husband who was spending more time with his co-worker than his wife. If I was going to be really honest with myself, the thought of annulment wasn’t really that far.

I couldn’t remember who I used to be before. I lost myself in this painful process of grieving. The passion I had, the strength and the very reason to keep me going were all gone. Hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. Pakiramdam ko ay nilamon na ako ng lungkot na kapalit ng pagkawala ng dapat sanang magiging anak ko.

On top of it all, I cheated on my husband. I didn’t even feel guilty about it until now that I was actually facing the reality.

All my life, I was always prim and proper. I was groomed to be that way because of my mother. Her stellar elegance blinded me in adoration that I told myself I would grow up just like that. It was too late for me to realize that although elegance was pretty to look at, it was a lifetime virtue. I didn’t want to be elegant anymore. I didn’t want to be the type of woman that society wanted me to be. I wanted the raw, unhinbited portions of life that the world was experiencing everyday. That was why I tried it, why I made out with a stranger and gave him a blowjob.

Pero saan ako dinala ng mga paa ko? Dito pa rin sa bahay na ito. Kahit anong gawin ko ay litong-lito pa rin ako at ubos na ubos. I felt so dirty. I felt so lost and empty. I didn’t want to be me anymore.

“God, I just cheated on my husband...” Panay ang iyak ko habang nakasalampak sa sahig, tinatawag ang isang diyos na hindi ko alam kung dapat ko pa bang pagkatiwalaan. “God... God...”

Kinabukasan ay nanibago ako sa bagong schedule. I had nothing to do the whole day. Gusto kong tulungan sana sina Aling Nenita at Hanz sa mga gawaing bahay pero tinatamad ako. Nakatulala lang ako sa kwarto, pagod na pagod kahit nakahiga lang naman.

I looked like s**t. My skin was very pale because I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night. Gising na gising ang diwa ko habang katabi ang asawa kong himbing na himbing ang tulog. Nagre-replay sa utak ko ang lahat.

I thought of the sloppy kiss I had with Parker’s father. His lips, his teeth, his tongue. His saliva mixing with my own. I thought of how he tasted inside my mouth, salty and metallic. I thought of his huge throbbing c**k that would’ve been inside me if my husband hadn’t called.

Guilty’ng guilty ako. Gusto kong maglasing na lang kahit na hindi naman talaga ako umiinom. Gusto kong uminom nang sobrang dami, iyong tipong pagkagising ko ay makakalimutan ko kahit ang pangalan ko.

Kaya nang dumating nang bandang alas-tres si Beatus ay hindi ko alam kung paano siya haharapin. He was annoyed that I wasn’t dressed yet because I completely forgot that we’re going to visit his grandparents. There was also something else that I might have forgotten but I just didn’t know what.

“Sol?” Beatus raised his brow at me.

He was clueless. He wouldn’t know, would he? But what if he did? Anong mangyayari sa pagsasama namin?

“M-Magbibihis lang ako saglit…” Nag-iwas na lang ako ng tingin.