Valeria

15 Consuelo

“I can’t believe you’re all doing this to me.”

Nagkatinginan sina Kuya Carlo at Kuya Ilay.

“Dahil lang sa isang pagkakamali ay patatalsikin ninyo ako…” Ngumisi ako nang mapakla. “When this company was collapsing, where were you two? When Papa and Mama died, where the hell were you?”

When they didn’t reply, I laughed sardonically. “That’s right. You’re gone. Both of you. Kayo ang dapat na mag-aalaga sa akin pero iniwan ninyo akong mag-isa. Ako ang naghirap. Ako ang nagtiis. Ako lahat. And now… you’re suspending me?”

“This is only temporary, Sol–”

“I wish I had that option before. Sana ay temporary ninyo akong iniwan dahil pagkatapos ng dalawa o tatlong linggo ay makakabalik na kayo. Pero hindi. Taon ang hinintay ko bago ninyo naalalang may kapatid pa pala kayo.”

Umiwas ng tingin si Kuya Ilay samantalang si Kuya Carlo ay nanatili lang ang tingin sa akin.

Our meeting earlier had to be rescheduled. By the time they’d go over it again, I would then be inside the confines of my home where they assumed I was best taken care at. Hindi na nila ipinagpabukas ang temporary suspension ko. Ipinatawag kaagad ako sa opisina ng aming tiyuhin kung saan nakapag-usap na pala silang tatlo.

“You’re sick,” Charlie deadpanned.

“I am not sick, okay?! Can you please stop saying that?” Sa kaniya ko itinuon ang galit.

His obsidian eyes remained emotionless as he sat there on his swivel chair behind his desk. The look he gave me didn’t leave any room for discussion.

“You’re sick and you know it,” aniya. “Now… go the f**k home and get your s**t together. I will not allow you to return here unless your therapist says so.”

“Hindi ako baliw!”

“May sinabi ba akong baliw ka?!” Sumigaw si Charlie kaya bahagya akong nagulantang. He looked like he wanted to beat the living crap out of me even though he’s only sitting right there. “Ang sabi ko ay umuwi ka at magpahinga. You and your husband just lost your baby–”

“Don’t you dare, you little fucker–”

“Apollo is f*****g dead, Sol. Your child is dead! Alright?! You need to accept that fact–”

“‘Tangina ka!” gigil na gigil kong sigaw.

Nalaglag ang panga ni Charlie bago tuluyang nanahimik. His eyes neutralized back into its two orbs of coldness. My skin prickled with him being so calm like that. As if he’s mocking me.

Tumakas ang ilang butil ng mga luha ko dahil sa gigil sa nangyayari. Inis ko iyong pinahid paalis at isa-isang dinuro silang tatlo. “‘Tangina kayong lahat! Magsama-sama kayo! Isaksak ninyo sa baga ninyo ‘yang mga opisina ninyo!”

“Get out of my sight,” my uncle commanded.

Nanggagalaiti ako sa pagmumukha niyang kamukhang-kamukha iyong ama niyang malupit. He’s right. Maybe Don Apollo’s blood was running all over our bloodstreams. Kaya kahit magmurahan kami rito ay pare-pareho lang kaming masasahol.

“Charlie!” Pumigil si Kuya Carlo. It was Kuya Ilay who went to me and shielded me from our uncle. “Stop it! Both of you!”

“Bahala kayo sa buhay ninyo! Gawin ninyo kung anong gusto ninyong gawin!” Tinabig ko si Kuya Ilay at nagmartsa na palabas.

I had little time to compose myself so when I hopped out of the elevator, everybody was looking at me like I had grown another head. Thankfully, May was there. Nakasunod sa akin ang sekretarya ko habang binabagtas ko ang exit. Wala nang bumabati sa akin dahil kung hindi napapalihis ay natatahimik.

Over the past month, my anxiety had obviously become a lot worse. It seemed like every single thing was triggering it. Kahit nasa opisina ako o nasa bahay. Minsan pa ay inabutan ako sa gitna ng pagmamaneho. I didn’t know how the hell did I manage to not kill myself when it happened.

I wasn’t denying that it’s my anxiety but it usually goes away after a few minutes. Hindi naman malala kahit na naging madalas. I didn’t think of it as anything. Kaya hindi rin dapat mag-alala ang mga kapatid at tiyuhin ko. Well, now, they probably weren’t worried anymore because they’re angry. We all were.

Nang makita ang pamilyar na kotse ni Beatus sa labas ay natauhan ako. I turned to May who was now panicking.

“A-Ah… E… P-Pina-contact po kasi ni Sir Allistaire ang asawa ninyo kanina. Siya raw ang manunundo sa inyo, Madame,” she managed.

I needed to cool down, and the last thing I wanted to see was my husband. Hindi ko nga alam na nakabalik na pala siya ng Pilipinas. Nagulat ako nang makitang siya nga ang lumabas mula sa nakaparadang puting SUV.

“Sorry po…” bulong ni May bago tuluyang nagpaalam.

My eyes were trained on my husband. It’s been what… two weeks now since I had last seen him? Ang huling alam kong pinuntahan niya ay Barcelona. Or was it Milan?

Either way, Europe treated him well. My husband had a nice tan which made it look like he went there for a holiday vacation, not a business trip. Sinuot ni Beatus ang sunglasses bago tumungo sa pwesto ko.

As for the true nature of our marriage within the past month, I didn’t quite know how to describe it. We had fully given up in trying to dissect why we became like… this… in the first place. Parang napagod na lang din kaming maghabulan sa loob ng bahay. Hindi na lang napag-usapan at hinayaang lumipas.

In my opinion, it was better that way. At least we weren’t shaking the foundation of our marriage that turned into a funny joke. Para na rin siguro hindi kami magkita sa bahay ay mas naging busy pa ang asawa ko. Ang dating mga pa-Tagaytay niya ay ilang milya ang inilayo. He was always in business trips which lasted for days. Sometimes weeks katulad ngayon. Walang problema sa akin.

Ngayon lang nagkaroon dahil… Well, he’s picking me up because I got suspended. Plus, with him looking good and well-rested from his vacation, I felt even shittier.

“Hi…” Beatus nodded subtly before kissing my cheek. “You hungry? Want to grab an early dinner?”

“Busog ako. Umuwi na lang tayo.” Umiwas ako ng tingin.

Tumango lang siya at iginiya na ako pabalik sa kotse. My husband was rounding the driver’s seat when I heard his cellphone ringing. Saktong nakapasok na kami pareho sa loob nang sagutin naman niya.

“Yes, Nova?” were his first words.

Umayos ako ng upo at diniretso ng tingin ang kalsada.

“Hindi pa ako nakakauwi sa bahay. Sinundo ko pa si Sol. Oh… you want to go over the draft plans now?” Out of the corner of my eyes, Beatus was looking intently at me. “Alright. Bye.”

Pagkatapos ng tawag ay atsaka pa lang niya binuksan ang makina. Swabe ang ugong nito nang makapasok na kami sa daloy ng trapiko.

“Dalawang linggo na nga kayong magkasama pero tinatawagan ka pa rin,” I stated coldly.

I would be a liar if I say that I wasn’t bothered by Nova and Beatus getting close together. I was already a pathetic wife. I didn’t need to be a liar too.

“Trabaho lang ito, Sol…” Iyon ang lagi niyang sinasabi.

Sa huli, hindi ako nakakibo. That was his way of coping. I should respect it because he’s respecting my own ways too. Mainly sleeping until noon, overeating or undereating, and spending lots and lots of money. Kahapon ay kabibili ko lang ng LV Archlight.

After a few minutes, his phone lit up again. Sakto lang ang tagal upang mabasa ko ang Antonova Escobar. I was already in a bad mood so I purposely ignored it.

“You know what, I’m actually hungry…” saad ko.

“Sige. Saan mo gustong kumain?”

“I want Thai–”

His phone dinged again.

Kinagat-kagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi habang mariing pinagmamasdan ang asawa ko. His fingers were lightly tapping on the steering wheel as if he heard nothing. Kaunting pasensiya pa ang ibinigay ko para naman kahit papaano ay hindi ako mawalan ng ganang kumain.

“I bought you a present,” bawi ni Beatus. “It’s in the back…”

Tumaas ang kilay ko. Isa sa mga bagay na nakasanayan niya tuwing aalis ay ang pasalubungan ako. He’s being over the top with his gifts in my opinion. Like from his last trip, he bought me the Himalayan Birkin. He’s doing it on purpose and I didn’t know why.

“What is it this time?” I couldn’t hide the disappointment in my voice.

“I got you some makeup,” kibit-balikat niya.

“Bakit? Pangit na ba ako?”

Beatus laughed at that. Instead of laughing with him, I actually felt offended. Hindi katawa-tawa ang bagay na iyon sa akin. Kaya ba niya ako bibigyan ng makeup ay nag-iiba na ang tingin niya?

“Nova helped me choose what to buy. She knows more about it so…”

Nanahimik na lang ako. Parang uurong ang sikmura ko dahil sa sinabi niya.

As if it wasn’t enough, his phone lit up again and displayed her name. Everything that happened earlier this morning until now was really pushing my buttons. On top of that, I felt so ugly while just sitting there.

“Puro ka Nova…” I whispered coldly.

“Ano?”

“Wala.” Nag-iwas ako ng tingin.

“I don’t want to fight. Please, Sol. Kagagaling ko lang sa trabaho. Huwag mo akong paandaran.”

Trabaho nga ba?

But I didn’t voice that anymore. I just wanted to get away from him. From everyone in the world. I just wanted to be alone. Kasalanan ko ba kung ganoon ang nararamdaman ko?

“Ayoko ring makipag-away,” sabi ko.

“Thank you–”

“So, pull over,” I continued. “Gusto na kitang sigawan ngayon pero pinipigil ko lang. Mas mabuti pang ibaba mo na lang ako.”

Beatus shook his head in disbelief. Instead of replying, he followed my command and actually stopped the car in an emergency side lane. Iniwan ko na ang bag ko sa sasakyan at dinala lang ang cellphone at wallet. Balak ko sanang magpalit ng heels pero mukhang naiwan yata sa bahay ang tsinelas ko.

“Anong oras ka uuwi?” Beatus asked despite the disappointment in his eyes.

I took off my blazer and only left my white chiffon top on. “Maglalakad-lakad lang ako. Baka kumain na rin ako ng dinner kaya magpaluto ka na lang kay Aling Nenita.”

He said nothing else after that. The last thing I did was to tie my hair in a messy bun before hopping off of his SUV. Mabuti na lang dahil ibinaba niya ang bintana para sa huli kong habilin. “Mag-iingat ka sa pagmamaneho mo…”

He nodded coldly after that and sped away. Nagsimula na akong maglakad sa sidewalk.

Malamig ang kalsada dahil palubog na ang araw at isa-isang nagbubukasan ang mga shop. I wasn’t quite sure when was the last time I went out like this. Iyong langhap ko ang lahat ng usok ng mga sasakyan at nagbibilad sa huling sinag ng nagbabagang apoy. This was the world I was always seeing when I was up in my office. This world was the real one.

Naglakad-lakad pa ako hanggang sa kumalma ang naninibugho kong puso. Una sa lahat ay iyong nangyari kanina sa meeting. Pangalawa ay ang mga lalaki sa buhay ko. Come to think of it, there was no other female family member that I could think of who was alive at the moment. If only Apollo was here, then I would have a girl company.

I thought my brothers were my allies. Hindi pala dahil sila rin ang nagpatalsik sa akin sa pwesto. I get their point that they’re worried pero hindi naman kailangang ganoong biglaan. They even conspired with our dickhead of an uncle so I really got mad.

Tapos ay itong asawa ko naman ay hindi na talaga halos umuuwi ng bahay. Hindi na nga ako magtataka kung isang araw ay magpaalam siya sa aking sa pad ni Nova siya uuwi dahil may gagawing trabaho. Sobrang luwag ko sa kaniya o tila ba wala nang pakialam.

It’s already November, and my life was still continuing to spiral down. It was an unending cycle of misery. I wasn’t quite sure if I could spend Christmas and New Year the same way last year. Iyong masaya, iyong walang iniintindi kung hindi ang paano ba namin uubusin ng asawa ko ang mga handa. Ngayon pa lang ay nakikita ko na ang malungkot kong Pasko at Bagong Taon.

My little Apollo was supposed to come out to the world in those weeks. It was supposed to be her birthday. Kaya paano ako magpa-Paskong masaya?

For half an hour, I was walking the streets of the city. It got dark enough for the signages to lit up. Hindi kalayuan ang mall kung nasaan ang coffeeshop na madalas kong kainan. Doon na lang ako siguro magpapalipas ng oras at kakain.

As usual, the place was neither jampacked nor empty. Just the right number of customers to achieve that cozy ambiance. Pumasok na ako sa loob ngunit napatigil nang maabutan ang tatay ni Parker. Nag-iisa lang siya sa lamesa tulad ng karamihan ng customer, may isang muffin at kapeng mine-merienda.

I couldn’t help but look heavenwards. Kailangan pa bang magdusa muna ako ng ilang beses ngayon araw para lang maramdaman kong pwede naman akong sumaya? Was that the point of crashing my day so I would know its value when I finally got what I wanted?

Hindi ako nag-atubiling dumiretso sa table ng Daddy ni Parker. Isa pa, wala rin naman akong ibang kakilalang kumakain sa coffeeshop.

Like the last time I had seen him, he was all male and dominating. Suot niya pa rin ang itim na leather biker jacket, puting inner shirt at maong pants. I swore I had seen him wear Caterpillar boots but now, he donned a pair of dirty Chucks. The only thing that contrasted his 90’s classic vibe was his man bun.

Another thing I noticed about him other than this tattoo was his undercut. Oh.

“Hi! Uy, ikaw pala ‘yan…” I gave a small wave when I approached his table.

Marami akong napapansin sa lalaking ito pero hindi ko pa rin alam ang pangalan niya.

“Good evening! Nice to see you again here. Dito ka rin kakain?” Ibinaba niya ang hawak na tasa ng kape at umayos ng upo.

“Oo sana. May… kasama ka ba?” I looked at the empty chairs by his table.

Nakita ko siya pero hindi ang anak niya. It was mainly one of the reasons why I approached him without thinking twice.

“Si Parker ba? She’s not with me. Hindi ko na isinama dahil baka mapagod lang.”

I smile faltered but I nodded anyway. “Ganoon ba? Kamusta na pala siya? Iyong braso niya?”

“She’s doing fine. Her burns healed quite fast so thank you for that…” He offered a tight smile, his thick eyebrows moving.

“Walang anuman. Sige. Maiiwan na kita dahil kakain na rin ako. Ikamusta mo na lang ako kay Parker.” Tumango na lang din ako at dinuro ang counter.

I wasn’t able to catch his name again but I figured I wouldn’t need it. Hindi naman na niya kasama si Parker na gusto ko talagang kaibiganin. Sinabi na rin niyang hindi isinama ang bata dahil baka nga mapagod. It was a wise decision because the city was polluted. But still… I kind of missed her and expected her to be with him.

Ngumiti na lang ako sa tatay niya na sumeryoso ang mukha. His eyes drifted down a bit on my visible collarbone, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. Kinagat-kagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi.

“Let’s… share tables? If that’s okay with you…” Parker’s father offered another tight smile that was neither rude nor genuine.

His eyes further drifted down on my bare shoulder blades. Bumaba pa sa braso at kamay ko but before his dark eyes could land on my left hand, I put it behind me.

“Sure.” Pasimple akong tumango bago nagpaalam na kukuha ng order.

Before going to his table, I made a trip to the bathroom to at least make myself decent. Kahit si Libra lang siguro ang haharapin ko ay mag-aayos ako dahil kagagaling ko lang sa labas. Amoy usok ako panigurado. I only had my cellphone and wallet with me so the least I could do was to wash my hands and fix my hair.

Bago lumabas ay hinarap ko ang sarili sa salamin. Parker’s father was only a friend.

Right?

Kahit hindi ko alam ang pangalan niya, he’s technically my friend now that we’re about to share tables. So… why did I remove my wedding ring?

Lumabas na lang ako upang kitain siya.

“Hey…” Bahagya akong ngumisi.

Saktong naroon na rin ang order ko kaya nagsimula na kaming kumain. Parker’s father was extremely quiet but he discarded his phone that he was fidgeting with before I arrived. Patingin-tingin lang siya sa mga dumaraang tao sa labas habang ngumunguya ng muffin.

Honestly, it wasn’t a problem. I liked the silence more because I was outside for a while earlier. Maraming bumubusinang sasakyan. Pero… dito… sa tabi niya… tahimik ang buong coffeeshop bukod sa mahinhing background music.

Halos sabay lang kaming natapos sa unang tinapay na kinakain. That was when he looked at me with his eyes that I just noticed were the darkest shade of copper.

“Yes?” Napakuha tuloy ako ng napkin para punasan ang bibig.

“You’re right. I’m not here from the south.” Ngumisi siya at napailing.

“Excuse me?”

“Tinanong mo ako noong isang buwan kung tagarito ba ako. Balak mong dalhin si Parker sa isang klinika para mapatingnan.” He shook his head again in his own arrogant way and looked at the city behind the glass. “I liked the way you cared for a little girl you just met that you would actually trust a stranger.”

Naalala ko ang tinutukoy niya kaya tumango-tango ako. I couldn’t help to smile because like me, he remembered certain details since that day.

“One question though,” aniya.

“Yes?” I offered a smile.

Sumayaw ang mga ilaw sa mga mata niyang abala sa panonood ng mga dumadaang sasakyan sa labas. Then he turned to me with his dark eyes gleaming softly. “Do you want to f**k?”