Valeria

13 Consuelo

“Saan ka galing?”

Bumukas ang ilaw ng sala at nagkamataan kami ni Beatus. I sipped from my wine glass and motioned for the clock ticking on the side table.

My husband who had been away for almost twenty-four hours had the audacity to frown at me.

“What time is it?” Nilapag ko ang babasaging baso sa ibabaw ng coffee table.

Umayos ako ng upo sa couch. Our living room was cold enough during the wee hours of the morning for me to actually not turn on the air conditioner. It was silent – the cold – an eerie calmness surrounding our house. Walang kahit isang tunog galing sa mga kuliglig dahil pati ang mga ito ay tulog na rin.

Samantalang ang asawa ko, kung kailan malapit nang bumangon ang buong sambahayan ay atsaka pa lang darating. Nagkasagutan kami kanina sa telepono tungkol sa isang bagay na hindi ko na maalala. Alam kong may problema pa kami bukod doon pero asawa ko pa rin siya. Ang uwian niya ay sa bahay namin, hindi sa opisina.

“Three forty-seven,” Beatus answered sarcastically, his eyes swiftly checking his wrist watch.

Nanatili itong nakatayo sa aking harapan, sa tabi lang ng pintuan kung saan ilang hakbang na lang ay ang garahe na namin. Sigurado akong mainit-init pa ang makina ng kaniyang sasakyan dahil kapaparada lang.

“Oh, ganoon...” I sighed in disappointment. “E alam mo naman pala kung anong oras na. Kaya bakit ngayon ka lang umuwi?”

Bago pa man kumunot ang kaniyang noo ay nahalata ko na. Beatus sighed audibly too. Binitiwan nito ang handle ng aming screen door kaya medyo napalakas ang pagsara. Parang wala itong narinig dahil dire-diretso ang pasok sa sala. From there, he took his coat off and draped it across the back of the sofa.

“Ganitong oras na talaga ako umuuwi. Bakit? Ngayon mo lang ba napansin?” His eyes were averted to somewhere else.

I, too, let my eyes wander. Mula sa kanina pang minamanipulang laptop at inuunti-unting red wine. Anywhere but him and his accusing eyes. Totoo ang sinabi niya na ngayon ko lang nga napansin ang pangyayaring ito. That’s why it bothered the s**t out of me. Kung ganoon, tuwing himbing na himbing ba ang tulog ko ay nasa opisina pa rin siya?

At sino ang kasama niya?

“Why are you still up anyway?” Beatus rounded the sofa and sat beside me.

He began removing his shoes. Sinipat nito ang aking laptop kaya hindi na ako nag-abala pang sumagot. Obviously, I was working. I frowned at him as I watched him remove his socks.

“Can’t sleep, huh?” he muttered, his voice seemingly deeper because of the cold room temperature.

Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa laptop. Nakatiwangwang ang trabahong hindi ko natapos kaninang hapon. Mainly, it was the reason why I was up. But I would be lying if I said that it was the only one. Apart from working so much, apart from the sadness in my mind, apart from the sleepless nights, I was afraid that something else took place in my mind.

Maliit pero nagkaroon na ng espasyo. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang sabihin iyon kay Beatus.

“I finished my work in the office, Sol. As if you don’t know me.” Walang lingong tumayo si Beatus.

Yeah, Beatus. As if I didn’t know you anymore. As if I couldn’t recognize you. As if we were just two strangers forcing ourselves to sleep in the same bed every night.

If only he had arrived home earlier, he could have seen the real me. Kung paano ako maging malungkot tuwing gabi bago matulog. Kung paano ako kainin ng sakit. Pagkatapos ay hindi na talaga ako makakatulog kaya magtatrabaho na lang. Kung minsan pa ay hindi na rin makakapagtrabaho kaya tutunganga na lang sa kwarto. Para lang maging malungkot nang paulit-ulit. That was what he didn’t know about me.

“Nagtrabaho ako sa opisina at ikaw naman dito. Pareho lang tayo ng dahilan, Sol. Ang kaibahan lang ay hindi ko sa bahay ginagawa.” Umiling si Beatus at umakyat na sa hagdanan.

“Work?” I raised a brow.

Umiwas ito ng tingin. “Yeah... Work...”

The room went silent again. Angels were parading themselves between us as they bathed in our eerie, decapitative silence. Beatus nodded in dismissal but before he could take another step, he turned to me with a frown. Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa. Siya ay mula sa hagdan. Ako ay mula sa sala.

“Did you… Did you at least wait for me to come home?” he asked softly.

Napalunok ako. Ako naman ang naunang napaiwas ng tingin. I wasn’t quite sure how to answer that. Because how the hell could I think of him out there or anything in particular when my mind and my heart were busy grieving?

Beatus didn’t waste another second waiting for my answer to come because it wouldn’t. Not in a million years. Even to myself, I hated to admit that it didn’t cross my mind earlier that he was gone. My husband wasn’t home, and I only noticed it when the clock struck twelve at midnight.

Malungkot ako. Malungkot na malungkot. Sobrang dami na ng nasa isip ko pero kahit isang espasyo roon ay hindi kasali ang asawa ko.

But the thing was, I was fine by myself earlier. The room only felt too cold when he entered. Because that was when I felt alone the most. When I was with the person that made feel like it.

Gulping the entire contents of my wine glass, I stood up as well. Dinampot ko ang kaniyang sapatos na ugaling iniiwan na lang basta sa aming sala. I put them in the shoe rack like how I always used to. Sumunod kong pinuntahan ay ang kaniyang coat na nasa sofa.

I was about to put it in the basket of the dirty clothes but my hands automatically stopped. Dahan-dahang kumunot ang noo ko sa tela ng coat.

Insecurity was not in my vocabulary whenever I was with Beatus. It just didn’t happen in our long relationship even before our marriage. Kahit pa nag-aaway kami ay hindi pa rin. For almost a decade, I knew in myself that my husband was not only loyal but also faithful to me, his wife.

Until that very moment.

Kabisadong-kabisado ko na ang amoy ni Beatus sa tagal ng pagsasama naming dalawa. His cologne was a musky, earthy scent. A bit too strong in the nostrils, to be honest. And to be even more honest, the scent of green apples was very far from it. Hindi ito ang pabango ng asawa ko.

Kinabukasan, sinubukan kong kumain kahit papaano. I was not able to run or jog these past few days although I tried going to the gym. I could that I was always working but that was bullshit. Even if I did not have work or I simply had nothing to do, I felt too tired. Kaya wala akong ganang tumakbo o kumain man lang.

It was a miracle that I was able to stay in the dining room for almost five minutes without throwing up. But what surprised me the most was the sight of Beatus standing in the door frame.

Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko nang magpang-abot kaming dalawa. Mukhang siya rin ay ganoon ang pakiramdam. Sanay na sanay na akong naliligo pa lang ako ay nakaalis na siya. Kung iisipin ay nakakalungkot at nakakamangha dahil kaya ko palang pumasok ng trabahong hindi siya kasabay sa umagahan.

Naalala ko tuloy iyong isang araw na nag-abot din kami sa bahay. I didn’t know how it happened, but we were about to have s*x until Charlie called. Mabuti nga dahil inabisuhan ako na may meeting ulit kami para hindi na ako ma-late. So, yes, I naturally chose work over s*x.

“Naku! Sakto ang pagbaba ninyo, ser! Kain na! Ipaghahanda ko kayo!” Humarang si Aling Nenita sa pagitan namin ni Beatus.

I resumed eating, extra thankful for our helper because the line of our vision got blocked. Mas naging lasang abo sa bibig ko ang mga kinakain. It didn’t help that I remembered Beatus coming home late last night with his coat smelling like a woman’s perfume.

“Sa daan na lang ho ako kakain, Aling Nenita–”

“Sige na, ser! Minsan lang naman kayo magsasabay ni Mam Sol e! Sige na!” Nagpumilit pa si Aling Nenita na palingon-lingon sa akin.

Gusto kong umangal pero ayaw ko namang mapahiya ang matanda. I could feel Beatus’ eyes on me. However, I remained focused on my what’s in my plate. Ang lasang abong kanin at scrambled egg.

Out of the corner of my eyes, my husband couldn’t disagree with Aling Nenita who dragged him down to the chair across from me. That was his usual place until I got so used to eating with it vacant.

“Teka lang, ser. Ikukuha ko kayo ng plato!” matagumpay na palakpak ni Aling Nenita.

Nang talikuran ng matanda ang asawa ko ay sa akin naman napaharap. Pinandilatan niya ako ng mga mata. Nginuso nito si Beatus na nasa likod. I almost groaned. Sabi ko na nga ba!

In my opinion, this wouldn’t do it. You could never fix a marriage over a simple breakfast. Not in a cup of tea, not in a single morning, not in a day or even in a week. It was already close to the brink of collapse, my husband and I’s marriage, without even knowing what was the true cause. And its solution, obviously.

It just... happened. Like all the other natural things here on earth. Death, love, life. A falling marriage was natural too, right?

“Good morning,” Beatus greeted me as he sat down.

No. It certainly wasn’t a good morning but I nodded anyway. It might have been the first time in a long while that he was able to greet me that. Gawa nga ng hindi na kami halos nagkikita sa umaga.

“Natapos mo ba ang mga ginagawa mo kagabi?” tanong niya.

“Hindi e. Hindi ko maintindihan kaya itinulog ko na lang,” kibit-balikat ko.

I was almost sure that he didn’t notice me climbing in our bed since he was already snoring soundly by that time.

“Do you... want me to help you?”

Tumigil ang aking mga kamay sa pagmamando ng mga kubyertos. Hindi ako sigurado kung tama ba ng narinig kaya nag-angat ako ng tingin. Beatus had something in his eyes that particular morning that I was not able to name. It was a new emotion he showed, something he didn’t ever bring up between us.

Something akin to defense. Something raw and hidden... like guilt. Maybe I would have seen it better if only I was looking properly.

“No, thank you. I can do it on my own...” Dahan-dahan akong umiling.

Tumango lamang si Beatus. Akala ko ay iiwas ulit ito ng tingin ngunit nanatiling sinasalubong ang aking mga mata.

There it was again, that foreign emotion. It was so subtle the first time but it was clearer now. It was that tangible emotion coming from his very eyes. Lumamlam ang kaniyang mga mata at napalunok. Para siyang may gustong sabihin.

And then it was gone just like that, the emotion flushed away in the cavities of his blood streams.

“Nagyayaya si Beatrix. Sabi niya ay inaasahan daw tayo nila Lolo...” he threaded carefully.

“I’m busy,” mabilis kong iling.

“Yeah. That’s what I said.”

“But?” I tilted my head knowing his twin sister was stubborn. Parang may gusto ulit sabihin si Beatus pero umiling na lang. “Ako na ang bahalang magpaliwanag. Don’t worry about it.”

Tumango na lang ako at ginalaw-galaw ang pagkain. Hindi naman sa ayaw kong makasalamuha ang mga Santa Romana. I was just not comfortable around them, my in-laws. Beatus knew that so we rarely visited them. Pero dahil siguro hindi pa kami nakadadalaw simula noong... libing ni Apollo ay nag-iimbita na.

I was grateful that he did not pressure me though. Otherwise, we’re going to have to disagree. I didn’t want that despite it happening frequently these days.

Saktong dumating naman si Aling Nenita na may dalang isa pang plato. Parang nananadya ang tadhana dahil may dala rin itong isang platito ng mga hinati-hating mansanas. Sa halip na mawala tuloy iyon sa isip ko ay umistambay na lang.

“Kain na, ser! Ipinagbalat ko pa kayo ng prutas para mas okay ang morning ninyo!” our old helper proudly presented.

In my life, apples were slowly becoming overrated. First, in the hospital. Second, in his coat. And now, in our table for our first breakfast together in a such long time. Saan pa ba may tutubong mansanas sa buhay ko?

Mariin kong sinipat ang nasabing prutas sa ibabaw ng lamesa. How I wished that it would stop pestering my already sabotaged brain. But its scent, that sweet fruity scent that was lingering on my nostrils since last night... like its skin was made out of velvet...

Ang kaibahan lamang ngayon ay galing na sa puno ang naaamoy ko at hindi na sa loob ng bote ng isang mamahaling pabango.

“Thanks, Aling Nenita,” Beatus nodded, oblivious to my realizations.

We began eating quietly except for the sound of our utensils scrapping against the other. From across, Beatus looked normal. In fact, he was acting too normal that something was definitely off about him. He wasn’t angry or frustrated. Not even cold or unreadable like he usually was. It bothered me more than anything.

Nang mag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin ay kumunot ang kaniyang noo. “Something wrong, Sol?”

I licked my lips and looked at him for the longest time. I knew I was going to regret it but I said it anyway.

“I’m sorry. I... I can’t do this...” I whispered.

“Do what? Have breakfast with me?” His frowns deepened.

Tumingala ako at nagpakawala ng isang malalim na hininga. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang sarili ko. Hindi naman ako nag-iinarte. Hindi ko lang kayang makaharap siya. Tumatabang ang pagkain at parang masusuka ako kahit na hindi naman.

“Don’t mind me. Papasok na lang akong trabaho. Kumain ka muna.” I shook my head and stood up fast.

Hindi kaagad nakasagot ang asawa ko. Sa gilid namin, si Aling Nenita ay halatang napangiwi.

“Why? Is it something about the food?” Beatus took his napkin out and wiped his mouth. “Why is it that you can’t have breakfast with me when we do it all the time before?”

Pumikit akong mariin sa pagtaas ng kaniyang boses.

“Sol, this is the first decent meal that we’re having together. Why can’t you give me a reason as to why you’re looking like you’re.... you’re disgusted by me?”

Bingo.

I opened my eyes and snapped. “I’m not sure! Okay?! I’m not sure kung nasa pagkain ba o nasa iyo lang mismo. Baka nga sa ating dalawa! Pero hindi ko kayang kumain nang kasabay ka kaya pwede ba, Beatus?” I groaned out loud. “Just... Just please leave me alone.”

Umigting ang panga ni Beatus nang pagmasdan ako. Immediately, I turned around to walk away. Pumigil kaagad ang kaniyang kamay sa aking braso. His frustration was evident by how his hand shook when he pulled me back.

“Sir Beatus? Mam Sol?” Nagpakita si Hanz sa pintuan, nanlalaki ang mga mata.

Umiling ako sa kaniya. Mabilis na dinaluhan ni Aling Nenita ang pamangkin bago tuluyang hinila paalis. Mas lalo akong kinabahan nang kaming dalawa na lamang ni Beatus ang natira.

“Aalis ka ulit? Tatakas ka ulit... tapos ano? Ganito na naman ang mangyayari bukas?” Marahas niya akong hinila pabalik. “Hindi ka pa ba napapagod? Kasi ako, Sol, pagod na pagod na!”

“Stop it...” Nanlamig ang sikmura ko.

“Pag-usapan na kasi natin ‘to! Parang awa mo na! Ano bang nangyayari sa ating dalawa?!”

“L-Let go of me! Masakit, Beatus! Ano ba?!” I shrieked because his hold was turning into a vice grip.

Patayo pa lang si Beatus ay binawi ko na ang aking kamay. Saktong natabig ko ang isang tasa ng kape. Napatayo kaagad si Beatus nang tumapon iyon sa kaniyang dibdib!

“Holy s**t! f**k!” Tuluyan na niya akong nabitawan dahil sa gulat.

Nalaglag ang aking panga. Halos sinakop na ng kulay putik ang kaniyang puting long sleeves sa bandang harapan. Beatus had his eyes shut as the smoke slightly rose from his chest.

“H-Hindi ko sinasadya. I’m sorry–”

“Putangina naman, Sol! Kinakausap ka kasi nang matino! ‘Tanginang buhay ‘to!” Umiling siya at dumiretso sa lababo.

I bit the insides of my cheek as I watched him try to clean himself.

“Magpalit ka sa itaas. Hindi mo matatanggal iyan ng ganyan lang,” suhestyon ko.

“Talagang papalitan ko!” mabagsik niyang iling.

Napapangiwi siya habang dinadampian ng malamig na tubig ang napasong dibdib. I was supposed to be all apologetic but something about his tone also set me off. Kinagat-kagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi upang pigilan ang sarili pero katulad ng natapong kape ay parang tumapon din ang maitim na tinta sa puso ko.

“Ayaw mo kasi akong bitawan e!” gigil kong sigaw kahit natahimik na siya. “Sinabi nang ayokong kaharap ka! Tapos ipupunta mo sa akin ang sisi? Lagi mo na lang akong sinisisi!”

“Kinakausap ka kasi nang maayos! Tapos ayaw mo! Bakit ba ayaw mo akong makausap?!” Beatus looked over his shoulder.

“E ikaw? Bakit ayaw mong umuwi?!”

“Binabalik mo naman sa akin ngayon? We’re eating our damn breakfast and you suddenly act up like that!”

“Oh, don’t make it sound like you enjoyed our meal. You barely looked at me in the eye!”

“At least I’m trying! How about you, Sol? Huh? How about you? Anong bang ginawa mo para sa ating dalawa simula nang mawala si Apollo?”

Nalaglag ang panga ko. Ramdam ko ang panghihina.

“Don’t.” My voice faltered away. “Don’t you dare drag her name here.”

Lumaki ang mga mata ni Beatus at natahimik sa pagkakabigla. Sinapo niya ang noo sabay hilot sa sentido. Parang naupos na kandila ang kaniyang galit at nauwi na lamang sa pagsisisi.

“I... I’m sorry,” bulong niya. “Hindi ko sinasadya–”

“Papasok na ako.” Umiwas ako ng tingin. Hindi ko na yata kakayanin ang sakit. “Mag-iingat ka sa pagmamaneho…”