Her Unheard Weeps

Let go

Chapter 19

Tulala lang ako habang tumitingin sa labas ng bintana ng kwarto ng ate. After a few days spent in the hospital, she was finally discharged. Pero kailangan niya ding ma bed rest ng ilang araw din. At ako ang nagbabantay sa kaniya.

She said she already filed a resignation letter to her workplace. Tiningnan ko siya at walang bakas ng pagsisisi ang kaniyang mukha. I can see fulfillment and happiness on her face, pero hindi niya matatago ng tuluyan ang kaunting lungkot sa kaniyang mga mata.

Is it because of her baby daddy?

Hindi pa din ako makapaniwala na wala na sila. She ended them, and i can't fully understand kung bakit gano'n-gano'n na lang sila naghiwalay at kung paano hindi man lang naghabol si kuya tom. I thought what they had was true love. Maybe i was wrong? Nothing lasts forever after all.

Nag resume na din ang klase namin. At panay ang tawag nila nissy sa akin, but i chose to ignore them. I can't go back, lalo na't bantay sarado din ako ng ina.

The only time that she let me be to talk with oliver is when i told her that I'm officially ending us.

Yes, i did let him go.

I still remembered it like it was just yesterday. After so many thinking and thinking and thinking, i already made a decision.

Family or love? Ano nga ba ang mas matimbang? Sino nga ba ang mas mahalaga?

Noong araw na iyon ay araw din na kung kailan madi discharge ang ate. Before we left, i managed to speak with him. Ramdam ko pa din ang sakit ng pag-uusap namin. Once again, my heart clenched from the memory.

"You're what?" Bakas sa mukha niya ang bigla. Hindi makapaniwala sa sinabi ko.

"I'm breaking up with you" despite the pain, i managed to not stutter and contain my sobs. Hindi din ako umiyak. Ang pormal lang ng pagkakasabi ko, na tila ba wala lang sa akin ang mga salitang binitawan ko.

My facade was strong, it helped me not to break down. I was good...at convincing him that i'm okay.

"Hindi kita maintindihan" he chuckled a little after zoning out for a couple of seconds. "You're joking. What is it this time? Did i forgot another anniversary?"

Hindi ako nagsalita at matigas lang siyang tiningnan. Doon unti-unting nabura ang ngiti sa kaniyang mga labi.

"You're serious" it was more of a statement than a question.

I breathed out silently once again bago tumango. Silently biting the corner of my cheeks.

"I'm sorry"

Sunod-sunod siyang umiling tila ayaw pa ding maniwala. "Okay...joke's over baby." He laughed.

"Seryoso ako. I want out o-oliver"

Sumeryoso siya. "Is it because of your mom?"

"This has nothing to do with my mom. Sariling desisyon ko ito"

"I don't understand"

"We are leaving...oliver. Aalis kami. Lilipat na kami ng bahay. Hindi na tayo magkikita pa."

His eyebrows furrowed. "A-ano? Whe—where? Saan kayo lilipat?—Bakit kayo lilipat? Bakit pa? I don't see a reason, your life is stable here!"

"We're leaving manila..for good. Ang gulo dito. Masama—masama sa akin ang ma stress. Masama ka sa akin"

"Nakaka stress ka din naman ah? Pero hiniwalayan ba kita?"

If this was a normal situation, baka natawa pa ako o di kaya mapanguso, pero hindi e. The only thought that was keeping me strong and not back away from my decision is my sister. She is sick. I want to be with her every step of the way. She...she is family.

"I'm pregnant...oliver" i spat looking away.

Napatahimik kaming dalawa. The silence made me more nervous that i already was.

"Baby if this is one of your pranks...i swear." He managed to laugh.

"Seryoso ako! Buntis nga ako!"

"Astrid stop!" Unti-unti ng lamalim ang boses niya. Alam kong napipikon na siya. "Just stop okay! Kung gusto mong makipag break, hindi mo kailangang sabihin 'yan! Just stop okay!?"

Umiwas ako ng tingin at nilabas galing sa bulsa ang isang litrato at binigay iyon sa kaniya. Nakita ko kung paano umawang ang kaniyang mga labi at kung paano siya natigilan.

"Is this..."

"It's my proof. Ayan. Naniniwala ka na ba? Na buntis talaga ako? Yan ang pinunta ko dito noong nakaraan. "

I hate to lie, i hate to see the hurt on his face. Pero kailangan kong panindigan ito. The ultrasound picture of the tiny seed-like looking baby was actually my sister's, my niece or nephew. But he doesn't need to know that.

"I-impossible! H-hindi pa naman tayo nakakapag—"

Natigilan siya ulit at kita ko kung paano unti-unting pumula ang kaniyang mga mata.

"I'm sorry....I really am" i whispered. Nakababa ang tingin para hindi niya makita ang pagsisisi sa aking mukha.

"How can you..."

"It was a mistake. I'm sorry"

"But you're astrid. You're my baby. Hindi mo magagawang—" umiling-iling siya. "I can't believe this"

"It just happened oliver i'm sorry"

Humalukipkip siya tsaka tumingin sa taas para pigilan ang pagpatak ng mga namumuong luha sa kaniyang mga mata. He pinched his nose in a harsh manner.

"K-kailan" pumiyok ang kaniyang boses. At halos akong makaramdam ng sakit para sa kaniya. He was broken, but it broke me more to see him forcing himself to look brave and not shed a tear by clenching his jaw and eyebrows so furrowed.

Hindi ako nagsalita kung kaya't sa ikalawang beses na pagtanong niya ay bahagyang tumaas pa ang kaniyang boses. Lumalim.

"PUTANGINA ASTRID KAILAN!"

Bahagya pa akong napatalon sa lakas ng boses niya. Good thing we were in a private unoccupied room. I never seen him so angry like this, never niya din ako sininghalan kung kaya't sobra ang bigla ko.

"Noong—noong magkaaway tayo. P-pumunta kami ni nissy sa isang b-bar" i managed to make up a story. "I was drunk oliver. I barely saw the guy's face"

Tinaas ko ang tingin ko at nakita kong mariin niyang paghilamos ng kamay sa mukha. Malutong siya nagmura and before i could even utter once more ay lumabas na siya at padabog na sinarado ang pintuan. Doon ko na lang tuluyang pinakawala ang hagulgol na talagang napakasakit pigilan.

I never heard of him after that day. Gusto kong magback out, gsuto kong bawiin ang sabihin ko. Pero pinapalakas ko ang loob ko. It was already said. I already hurt the guy who made me feel wanted. I hated myself.

Kinabukasan, malakas na na nag ring ang phone ko, kaagad akong napatayo para kunin iyon sa may lamesa, bahagyang nagulat pa ang ate sa bigla kong pagtayo. I was in her room once again.

"Sino 'yan?" Tanong niya.

I thought it was oliver, kaya sobra ang kaba but at the same time, ang excitement ko. Pero umusbong ang kaba sa aking dibdib ng makita ang pangalan sa screen ng phone.

"It's t-tita lisa..."

"Sino?" Kuryoso niyang tanong.

"Ang mommy ni oliver"

I cleared my throat bago ko sinagot ang tawag. Bahagya din akong pinagpapawisan.

"H-hello po?"

Halos mangisay na ako sa kaba habang tinitingan ang labas ng mataas na gusali.

I took a deep breath bago pumasok sa restaurant na kung saan ay sinabi ng mommy ni oliver na magkikita kami.

The hostess approached me at sinabi ko sa kaniya ang pangalan ni tita lisa, true to her words, she made a reservation and learned that she was already here. She walked me to the table where i saw the fine woman seating formally on the table at the corner of the restaurant.

Napalunok ako. Hindi ko pa din alam ang dahilan kung bakit niya ako pinatawag. It was a short notice but i can't bring myself to decline her invite.

"Good afternoon po. Kanina ka pa po ba naghihintay? I'm sorry to keep you waiting, muntikan pa po kasi akong hindi payaga—"

"Do sit hija" she cut me off.

Mas lalong pinagpawisan ang aking mga kamay ng marinig ang bahagyang lamig sa kaniyang boses. Back then , in their house, she was sweet and gentle and kind but now...

I'm even in hesitation if wether i would still address her as mommy lisa like she wished me to call her or not.

"Ti—tita...if you don't mind me asking, bakit niyo po ako pinatawag?"

I looked at her and she didn't smile nor simply nod at me for greetings.

"I wanna cut to the chase, narito ako at inimbitahan kita dahil gusto kong malaman kung totoo nga ba ang nangyari sa inyo ng anak ko" aniya sa pormal na boses.

I opened my mouth to speak pero agad ding napatikom ulit. Nagdadalawang isip pa kung alin sa dalawa ang ibig niyang sabihin.

Kung tungkol ba sa paghihiwalay namin o sa pinalabas kong buntis ako.

"Ano po bang ibig niyong sabihin?"

"Na wala na kayo ng anak ko?"

Kaagad akong napababa ng tingin, i stilled my gaze on my hand that was seated on my lap.

"Ash?"

"O-opo. Opo, totoo po"

Bahagya kong narinig ang marahas niyang pagbuga ng hininga. Like she was disappointed.

"It's true then" aniya.

Ilang minuto pa ay nakita ko na may puting sobre na tinulak niya sa lamesa papunta sa harapan ko. Kaagad akong napaangat ng tingin.

"A-ano po ito?"

Mukhang alam ko na ang laman ng sobreng iyon pero gusto kong kumpirmahin. The hand in my lap was starting to shake slightly.

"I'm sorry about what happened...between you and my son" aniya, then she gave me a soft smile sabay tango. "Here. Take this..."

"Anong—hindi ko po kailangan iyan" iling-iling ko.

"Sige na. Tanggapin mo na. It's just a little amount to get you and your little one to start"

Nag-uumapaw ang hiya ko no'ng panahong iyon. Bakit hindi siya galit sa akin? Bakit hindi niya ako sinisigawan? Sinisisi? Sinaktan ko ang anak niya! And she's here, being kind to me, offering me money? I felt like i don't despite to be in the same room with her. I know i don't. Hindi lang si oliver nag niloloko ko dito. Pati ang mommy niya!

At makapal na lang ang mukha ko kung tatanggapin ko pa ito.

I don't know what's going on in that head of hers, hindi ko alam ang iniisip niya.

Akala ko sa mga pelikula lang ito nangyayari, na mago offer ng pera ang mayamang pamilya ng lalaki sa babae para layuan ang anak nila.

Then i stilled.

Ito na ba? Nangyayari ba din ito sa akin? Kung tatanggapin ko ba ang pera, does that mean i'm out of oliver's life for good? Is this pieces of paper a compensation?

Napakagat ako ng labi bago tumingin sa kaharap.

Pero ang mas importanateng tanong ko ay...kanino niya nalaman? Silly me, of course sa anak niya.

"Tinanggap mo ba?" Rinig kong tanong ng ate.

Nilingon ko siya tsaka nginitian lang.

"Ano sa tingin mo ate?" Tanong ko pabalik.

She looked at me like she was searching my face for hint emotions.

She shrugged. "Hindi ko alam. I hope you didn't...i know you didn't, hindi ka gano'n"

I just gave her a tiring smile.

"Why did she offered them anyway? It's not like maghahabol ka pa sa anak niya."

Yes, i told her about what happened to me and oliver. Wala naman talaga akong planong itago sa kaniya, at first, I hesitated of course, i knew that she would blame herself, pero sinabi ko sa kaniya na nagkakalabuan naman na kami ni oliver bago ko pa nalaman ang tungkol sa pagbubuntis niya. And good thing she believed my lies.

And to top it all up, hindi din niya alam na bahagya ko ng inangkin ang titulo niyang buntis. If she knew she would just laugh at me after a lot of scolding. Siyempre, ginawa ko ba namang rason na buntis ako sa anak niya para lang pumayag na makipaghiwalay sa akin ang boyfriend ko...ex na pala.

The next day, kinausap ko siya tungkol sa pagsama ko sa kanila sa iloilo, wala naman na akong dahilan pa para manatili dito, at first, hindi siya pumayag dahil nga tatapusin ko pa daw ang sinimulan kong pag-aaral. But after a lot of explaining pumayag na din naman siya, sabi ko doon ko na lang ipagpatuloy at possible naman ng mag proceed na ako sa second sem dahil tapos naman na kami sa first...kung posible.

Six days before we leave manila for good, my sister's phone couldn't stop ringing. No'ng una ay akala namin si mommy lang iyon. Because she was out, she said that she had to meet with someone who is interested to buy my sister's car. They decided to sell it dahil hindi naman namin madadala iyon sa iloilo.

My sister answered the call. Then a few seconds later, she began to sob...super loudly that it became to worry me.

Kaagad akong tumakbo papunta sa kaniya, worry for her heart and for the baby. I asked her who it was and why was she crying, at first hindi pa siya sumagot at todo hikbi lang.

Then she started mumbling about a hospital. And when she finally managed to tell me. She told me na nasa hospital daw si mommy, she had an accident and was severely hurt sabi ng nurse na tumawag kani-kanina lang.

Worry struck me. I couldn't shed a single tear dahil kailangan ako ng kapatid ko.

We managed to get our ass off to the hospital where my mother was at. It wasn't GoldenCrest, which was a sigh. But i thought, hindi naman mahalaga kung anong ospital man siya dinala, kung sa GoldenCrest man. What's important is that she would be safe.

After hours of waiting outside the operating room. I still couldn't cry. Sumasakit na ang dibdib ko sa magkahalong emosyon. Kaba at lungkot.

A few hours later, the surgeon that operated on my mother went out the doors with an expression that left me really nervous.

The next thing we knew, we were already looking at our mother na dahang-dahang tinatabunan ng puting kumot.

My shoulders were rapidly rising up and down while my sister was near in fainting because of too much sobs and tears.

Our mother died.

Aortic injury caused by the severe car accident, said the doctor.

Hindi ko pa din matanggap. Ni hindi ko pa ang ma digest sa utak ko ang nangyari. Sobrang bilis ng pangyayari. Parang panahinip lang.

I wished it was just that.

Bago pa tuluyang pumatak ang luha sa aking mga mata ay nakita ko na ang kapatid ko na sapo-sapo ang tiyan.