Sinful Attachment

KABANATA 15

Danzel leaned back a bit, mas seryoso na ang tingin sa kanya ngayon. “You’ve been standing in the same place all along. You just didn’t want to admit it.”

Napapailing nalang si Chaos habang bahagyang natatawa. “Easy for you to say.”

Danzel shook his head. “It’s not easy. It’s just clearer when you’re not the one avoiding it.”

“Paano kung sinubukan ko… Tapos mali naman pala ako?” Tanong ni Chaos.

“Oh see? You’re scared kung ano man yung kakalabasan. Ni hindi mo pa nga sinusubukan.” Seryosong sambit ni Danzel. Point proven.

Danzel didn’t hesitate. “Pero anyway, to answer your ‘what if’... at least you stopped lying to yourself.”

Bahagyang umiwas ulit ng tingin si Chaos, slowly turning the glass in his hand, parang doon niya sinusubukang i-process lahat ng hindi niya masabi nang direkta. For the first time that night, wala siyang mabilis na sagot, wala siyang defense.

“Hindi mo naman kasi malalan kung hindi mo susubukan. Pero paano mo pa susubukan kung may nauna na?” Danzel said, his voice a little quieter this time. Halatang nag aalinlangang sabihin sa harap ni Chaos.

Chaos knew Danzel wasn’t joking anymore. The teasing tone from earlier was gone, replaced with something more serious, more real. Danzel glanced at Chaos, like he knew that question alone was enough to hit where it mattered.

Hindi agad nakasagot si Chaos. He was caught off guard

Mas lalong humigpit ang hawak ni Chaos sa kaniyang baso, his eyes dropping to it again, parang iniiwasan niya lahat ng sinasabi ni Danzel. Yung idea na may nauna nang iba, na may iba nang pumalit sa lugar na hindi naman sakanya in the first place, ay mabigat na bumagsak sa kaniyang dibdib.

“Siguro nga, huli na ako?” Mahinang sambit ni Chaos na medyo patanong.

Tinitigan siya ulit ni Danzel, this time mas maingat, mas binabasa siya. “Or maybe… you just waited too long.”

Doon tuluyang natahimik si Chaos.

Chaos gave a faint, empty laugh, shaking his head slightly. “Ang stupid, no?” he added. “Andito lang ako buong time… pero wala akong ginawa.”

The realization hits him hard now.

He leaned back a little, staring ahead, pero halatang wala siyang nakikita.

“I thought I had time,” he continued, his voice steady pero mabigat. “Akala ko… hindi naman mawawala. Na kahit hindi ko sabihin, okay lang.”

Napababa ulit ang tingin niya, his fingers unconsciously tightening around the glass, parang doon niya nilalabas yung frustration na hindi niya masabi. Bakit ko pa hinintay? pumasok sa isip niya, tahimik pero malinaw.

Kung alam ko lang na aabot sa ganito…

“I thought I had time,” Chaos continued, his voice is not steady, para bang naiiyak. “Akala ko… hindi naman mawawala. Na kahit hindi ko sabihin, okay lang.”

Sandali siyang natahimik, then his jaw tightened slightly.

“Huli na pala.” Nakangising sambit ni Danzel.

That line hit differently.

Danzel sighed softly, glancing at him. “You don’t know kung ano talaga—” Hindi na natapos ni Danzel ang kaniyang sasabihin ng putulin siya ni Chaos.

“I do,” Chaos cut in, not loud, but firm. “Kita ko na.”

He looked down again, turning the glass slowly in his hand.

For the first time, hindi na lang confusion yung nararamdaman ni Chaos. It was something clearer. Something harder to ignore. Lalo na ngayon na may ibang tao na sa frame.

“Regret.” Bulong ni Danzel ngunit halata namang ipinaparinig kay Chaos.

“Too late na,” Chao murmured, almost to himself.

And this time, hindi na nag deny si Chaos. For the first time, inamin na niya sa sarili niya kung ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman niya, pero talo pa rin siya.

“Nasayo na, pinatalo mo pa.” Danzel said, lightly tapping Chaos on the shoulder habang sinusubukan siyang i-comfort, pero at the same time nang aasar din. It wasn’t meant to blame him anymore, but to shake him a little, like reminding him to stop overthinking and start facing what was right in front of him.

Chaos let out a slow breath, his eyes still fixed on his glass. Hindi siya agad sumagot, pero halatang tumama sa kanya yung sinabi ni Danzel. His expression tightened for a moment, parang may pilit siyang pinipigilan na matagal na niyang kinikimkim.

“I didn’t even fight for it,” Chaos said quietly after a pause.

“It’s not too late?” Nag aalangang sambit ni Danzel, trying to give Chaos a hint.

For a few seconds, walang nagsalita sa kanila.

Chaos finally shook his head slightly. “I don’t even know if I had a chance in the first place.”

Danzel sighed, giving his shoulder another light tap. “You’ll never know that if you keep staying like this.” Sambit ni Danzel habang palihim na dinadasal na hinbdi siya mapagalitan ni Charlotte sa mga pinag sasasabi niya.

Danzel leaned back again, mas kalmado na rin ngayon. “At some point, you have to stop guessing and start deciding.”

“Hindi kita sinusulsulan, masama yan. Lagot tayo pareho kay Charlotte.” Natatawang sambit ni Danzel.

“Pero bilang lalaki, at bilang kaibigan mo na rin. Think about it. You will never know, unless you tried?” Biro ni Danzel dahilan para mapangisi si Chaos.

There was a faint smile on Danzel’s face, like he was half joking but still serious at the same time. He nudged Chaos lightly, hoping to pull him out of the heavy thoughts that had been weighing him down.

“Ang kulit mo,” Chaos muttered, but there was less tension in his voice now.

Danzel let out a short laugh. “Totoo naman kasi.”

“Huwag ka lang papahuli.” Pabirong dagdag pa ni Danzel kaya napa iling si Chaos.

“Hindi ako ganon, ggo.” Reklamo ni Chaos habang umiiling.

“Besides, hindi ko naman alam if mutual feelings.” Sambit ni Chaos.

“Kaya nag susubukan?” Tumatawang sambit ni Danzel.

“Ggo, wala sa plano kong sulutin kay Kaizer yon kahit pet peeve ko hyop na yon.” Ismid na sambit ni Chaos kay Danzel.

Danzel raised an eyebrow at him, hindi na nagulat. “Oh? Sure ka dyan?”

Chaos shot him a look. “Oo. Hindi ko ugali ‘yon.”

“Even Chase wouldn’t like that.” Dagdag pa ni Chaos.

Danzel nodded slowly, pero yung expression niya halatang hindi pa rin fully convinced. “Pero bakit parang affected ka?”

Umiwas siya ng tingin, his jaw tightening a bit, parang hinahanap niya yung tamang sagot pero wala siyang mahanap. “Hindi ako affected,” he said quickly, halatang defensive.

“Parang pinang hihinaan ka nanaman ata ng loob. Baka nakakalimutan mo pangalan ni Chase?” Biro ni Danzel.

“Ano nanaman yan, Danzel.” Reklamo ni Chaos habang napapakamot sa kaniyang ulo.

“Palagi mo sinasabi yon diba.” Sambit muli ni Danzel habang nagtataas baba ang kaniyang kilay.

“She loves the chase… Just like her first name, Chase.”