Sinful Attachment

KABANATA 14

Who would’ve thought that watching Chase with another guy would hurt like hell.

“Tulala ka ata?” Mapang asar na sambit ni Danzel kay Chaos, magkaharap sila ngayon sa bar na hinintuan nila matapos nilang mag road trip.

“Layo ng narating natin.” Natatawang sambit ni Danzel.

Chaos didn’t even realize it at first. He just stood there, pretending everything was normal, acting like it was just another ordinary moment he could ignore and move on from. Pero habang tumatagal siya doon, mas bumibigat yung pakiramdam niya, kahit hindi niya maintindihan kung bakit.

“Tngina ang gulo.”

It wasn’t loud. It didn’t come with drama. It was quiet. Slow. The kind of feeling that creeps in without permission until it’s already sitting heavy in your chest.

Hanggang sa mapansin nalang ito ni Danzel.

Chaos had been quiet for a while now, just drinking without really joining the moment around him. Parang hindi siya kasama sa kanila kahit naka gitna sila sa maraming tao. He just sat there, holding his glass, staring at nothing in particular, lost deep in his own thoughts.

Yung ingay sa paligid hindi na rin umaabot kay Chaos. Laughter, conversations, movements ng mga tao, everything just blends together like background noise na wala nang meaning para sa kanya. Para siyang nasa ibang space, ibang headspace, somewhere no one else can really reach or follow.

Danzel watched him for a moment bago dahan-dahang lumapit. Hindi siya agad umupo, tumayo muna siya sa tabi ni Chaos, tinitingnan yung expression niya, parang sinusubukang basahin kung ano ba talaga ang nangyayari sa kanya.

And Danzel thinks he knew kung bakit nagkakaganityo si Chaos. Kakakita lang niya kasi sa myday ni Kaizer. “Uh… Oh…”

“You okay?” Tanong ni Danzel kay Chaos.

Danzel tilted his head. “You’ve been like that for a while now.”

Chaos didn’t answer right away. His eyes were still on the phone. It’s Chase and the sa guy na kasama niya, which is si Kaizer bago siya tuluyang umiwas ng tingin. “Yeah,” he said, pero kahit siya, alam ni Danzel na hindi ito totoo.

Danzel let out a small breath. “That didn’t sound like a yes.”

“What are you looking at?” Nakangising sambit ni Danzel at bahagya niyang sinubukang tignan ang cellphone ni Chaos ngunit mabilis niya itong pinatay na para bang may tinatago.

Nakita naman na ni Danzel kung ano yon, sinusubukan lang niya si Chaos kung aamin ba ito at magsasabi.

Sandaling katahimikan ang sumunod.

Until Chaos finally spoke again, mas mahina na ngayon. “I don’t know why it feels like this.”

“It’s about Chase, isn’t it?” Seryosong sambit ni Danzel, hindi na niya bibiruin pa si Chaos at mukhang seryoso na ito.

Chaos hesitated for a moment. Humigpit ang kanyang panga bago siya sumagot. “Mhm, it feels like I’m watching something I shouldn’t be watching.”

Danzel didn’t reply immediately. Tinitigan lang niya si Chaos, parang alam niya na yung ibig sabihin pero hinihintay niya pa rin na aminin nang buo.

Chaos finally looked at Danzel. May something sa expression niya na hindi usual, parang may unti-unti nang nare-realize pero ayaw pa niyang tawagin sa pangalan. Takot.

“I think…” Panimula ni Chaos, then stopped again. “I think it shouldn’t bother me. But it does.”

Tiningnan siya ni Danzel nang diretso. “You’re just starting to feel something you’ve been ignoring for a long time.” And that’s the truth.” Seryosong sambit nito.

Pinaglaruan niya yung baso sa kamay niya, parang doon niya hinahanap yung sagot na hindi niya mahanap sa sarili niya.

Chaos looked back at Chase for a second bago muling magsalita. “Every time I see her like that… smiling, comfortable, like she doesn’t need anything else… pakiramdam ko parang naiiwan ako.”

“Is it selfish ba kapag sinabi kong gusto ko ako yung dahilan? Na dapat sakin siya ganon? Na ako dapat nakakapag pangiti sakanya ng ganon?” Natatawang sambit ni Chaos habang hindi na malaman kung ano ang kaniyang mararamdaman.

Danzel’s expression softened a bit. “Left behind, or replaced?” Tanong niya kay Chaos.

That question made Chaos pause.

“I didn’t plan for this,” Chaos said after a while. “I didn’t even think it would matter this much.”

Danzel nodded slowly. “Nobody does. Pero alam naming aabot sa ganito.”

His fingers tightened slightly at his side. “What do you mean?” Tanong ni Chaos.

“Palagi naman naming sinasabi sainyo, hindi kami nag kulang sa paalala. Hanggat maaga pa, hanggat wala pang iba, aminin niyo na sa sarili niyo kung ano ba talaga yung totoong nararamdaman niyo. Hindi niyo man kasi nakikita, we already knew, we’ve already seen it. Kayo nalang talaga ang nag pipilit na wala, na hindi totoo, kahit iba yung actions na binibigay niyo.” Seryosong sambit ni Danzel.

“Friend’s wouldn’t do that. And friend’s are not like that.” Dagdag niya pa.

“I don’t know,” Chaos admitted quietly. “That’s the problem. Hindi ko rin alam kung ano dapat yung nararamdaman ko.”

“You know, minsan hindi naman sila yung may ginagawa. Minsan ikaw yung nagigising sa mga bagay na matagal mo nang iniiwasan sa sarili mo. Dala na rin n g takot yan.” Napapa iling na sambit ni Danzel.

Danzel shrugged. “You know what?” You’ve been acting like you don’t care. Like normal lang lahat. Pero halatang hindi.”

And this time, Chaos didn’t deny it right away. Tahimik lamang siyang nakikinig.

Danzel looked at him more seriously. “Saka lang masakit kapag nare-realize mong may pakialam ka pala all along. Late realization kasi nakita mong hawak na ng iba?”

“Ilang beses kitang kinulit. Alam kong al;am mo sa sarili mo na hindi lang basta pagkakaibigan ang turing mo kay Chase.” Seryosong dagdag ni Danzel.

“Aminin mo man o hindi yan sa sarili mo, alam kong ramdam mo yan. Duwag ka lang, dinadaga.” Danzel said bluntly and without waiting for a response, he poured another drink into Chaos’s glass, the liquid filling it slowly as if giving him more time to think about what he just heard.

Chaos looked at the glass for a moment before letting out a small breath. Hindi siya agad sumagot o umangal. Instead, nanatili lang siyang tahimik, parang yung mga salita ni Danzel ay unti-unting bumabagsak sa isip niya at mas lalo pang bumibigat doon.

“Hindi ako takot, Danzel.” Chaos finally said, pero mababa ang boses niya, uncertain, parang kahit siya ay hindi sigurado sa kaniyang mga sinasabi.

Danzel raised an eyebrow slightly. “Then what is it?”

Humigpit ang hawak ni Chaos sa glass. His jaw clenched a little bago siya sumagot. “I just… don’t know where I stand.”

“Alam mo naman kung ano turing sa akin ni Chase. Palagi niyang sineset na mag kaibigan lang kami. Na we’re just friends, nothing more than that, na hindi pwedeng lumagpas doon.” Dagdag pa ni Chaos.