Never in a Haste (Tagalog)

Chapter 9

Eyes

“Para kang baliw diyan,” ani Brenna nang pumasok ito sa condo ko. She is on her usual training clothes so I guess she just went to the gym.

I looked at her with narrowed eyes. “Anong baliw?” I retorted before looking at the printed pictures right in front of me.

Ito ang mga litratong kuha sa Bali anim na buwan na ang nakakalipas. Pero kahit kalahating taon na ang nagdaan ay pakiramdam ko, parang kahapon lang ang lahat.

Brenna let out a deep sigh and sat beside me on the couch. “You’re smiling while looking at those photos,” she said. “And you do that all the time.”

I scowled at her. “I don’t do it every time,” I defended.

Hindi naman ako laging nakatitig sa mga ito. May mga pagkakataon lang. Lalo na ngayon dahil magpupublish ulit ako ng isang travel book. I just looked back to the good days.

Brenna nodded but then she picked a photo of me and Yvo smiling widely. “Do you miss him?” she asked.

I shrugged.

Do I miss him? Maybe.

But I hadn’t seen him since we parted ways from the airport and it’s been six long months. I’m guessing he has someone else now. Hindi naman malabo. Guwapo siya at habulin ng mga babae. Mayaman pa. Malamang ay nakahanap na iyon ng papalit kay Maureen sa puso niya.

I don’t blame him for disappearing like that though. I told him that I didn’t want him to be my rebound. I don’t want him to feel that I like him just because of his presence. That’s the least thing I could do to someone—to make them feel used.

Brenna looked at me. “I saw him in a club last night,” she started. I looked at her, interested. “He’s with some of his friends, I think.”

I nodded and felt a sudden relief when she said that he is with his friends, not with someone else.

Brenna gave me a knowing look. “What? You’re dating Yuan, Avery,” she said like it’s going to become a rule for me.

Ngumiwi ako sa kanya. “I know,” sagot ko.

“Pero rebound mo lang si Yuan, ‘di ba?” tanong niya.

I hate it. I hate that even if I don’t say it out loud, she knows. Yuan is a kind guy. I met him in a coffee shop three months ago and he seems nice. He loves coffee and cakes. Ang sabi niya ay gusto niyang magkaroon ng isang café balang araw.

He’s not like the other guys that I had met. He has so many aspirations and he doesn’t seem to be shy when verbalizing them. Marami siyang gustong gawin sa buhay at sobrang determinado niya para makamit ang mga iyon.

I guess that’s what made me like him. But I don’t want to think that he is my rebound. That’s not the case. I just love his company because he reminds me so much of someone.

He reminds me so much of Yvo.

Tama pa ba ito?

“Kanino? Kay Anton o…kay Yvo?”

Napalingon ako sa pinsan kong ngayon ay parang sobrang interesado sa buhay ko. Mariin siyang nakatitig sa akin na para bang naghihintay ng isasagot ko sa kanya.

“Wala,” is all I could say.

Humalakhak siya at ibinaba ang larawang hawak niya. Tiningnan ko iyon at inalala kung ano ang ginagawa namin kaya ganoon na lang kalaki ang aming mga ngiti.

“Anton asked for you last week,” biglang sabi ni Brenna.

I gave her a look but she just shrugged.

When I got back, Anton tried to talk to me. He was always knocking on my door, begging me to talk to him. Muntik na nga siyang ipa-blotter ni Kuya dahil nasabi kong araw-araw siyang nagtutungo sa unit ko, umaasang magkakausap kami.

But I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. The fact that he cheated on me makes us done. I still cried for him for a few nights because I was not used to being alone but I suddenly felt myself getting used to the feeling of him gone. Or maybe I was just busy longing for someone else that my tears became directed to that other person.

“It’s been months but you’re still not talking to him,” ani Brenna.

“I am not hung up on him,” I cleared because I know that it is what they are thinking.

They think that I still couldn’t move on from Anton. Ang akala nila ay nasasaktan pa rin ako sa kanya. But to be honest, I’m not anymore. Mayroon pa ring sakit pero dahil iyon sa mga masasayang panahong pinagsamahan namin. It is not because I am still in love with him.

“Then why don’t you talk to him?” tanong ni Brenna.

I pursed my lips in a thin line. “I don’t want anything to do with him.”

Brenna nodded. “I know. But you were together for five years. Kahit man lang ba friendship o acquaintanceship, wala?”

“I forgive him for what he did to me. Matagal na. Doon pa lang sa Bali,” sabi ko.

Tumaas ang kilay ni Brenna. “Dahil ba ‘yan kay…” ngumisi siya.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. Isa iyon sa mga dahilan kung bakit hindi ko magawang makipag-usap kay Anton. Dahil naaalala ko sa kanya si Yvo. Baliktad nga, e. Dapat si Anton ang maaalala ko kapag si Yvo ang nakikita ko pero hindi, e.

I hate that we just spent about four days together but he manages to pop out of my head every single day. I hate that I associate him in everything I see. I hate that I still laugh at his ugly selfie whenever I check it on the archives in my i********:.

But above all, I hate myself for telling him off. And now, he’s literally gone.

Gone.

I heard Brenna let out a deep breath. She tapped my shoulder. “You know, you should come with me tonight. Isama mo na rin si Yuan kahit alam ko namang hindi niya gustong pumunta sa bar.”

I gave her a disapproving look. She doesn’t like Yuan that much. She met him twice but she already made it known to him that she isn’t a very big fan of him. But then again, Brenna isn’t really fond of the guys I dated.

“What?” she rolled her eyes.

I shook my head and just gave in to her whim. “Fine. Sasama ako. Titingnan ko rin kung gusto ni Yuan.”

Ngumiwi siya sa akin. “Be ready by nine o’clock. I’ll be fetching you,” aniya bago tumayo.

I watched her and she was already prepared to go. “Saan ka?”

She shrugged. “I have a meeting with a client,” she replied.

Pinasadahan ko ang suot niya. She doesn’t seem prepared to meet a client right now. Baka imbes na kunin siya bilang wedding organizer ay ipatapon siya sa labas ng meeting place nila.

“You’ll meet a client looking like that?” Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko.

She rolled her eyes at me before looking at herself. “What’s wrong with how I appear now?” she asked, a little triggered.

I gave her a look. “Well, for one, you look like you just got out from the gym. You’re wearing training clothes,” I told her the obvious.

She sneered at me. She hates it when I talk about how lame her after-gym fashion is. But then, she wears what most of the people who work out wear.

“This is fine. Hindi naman formal ang meeting ko,” sagot niya bago tumalikod.

I watched her walk towards the door. She looked at me when she turned the knob. “I’ll see you tonight!” she beamed before exiting my place.

 I sighed and immediately sent a text to Yuan asking if he is free tonight. And when he said he is, I asked him if he wants to go clubbing with me.

I know he wouldn’t want to because he’s told me a lot of times that he doesn’t like loud places. So when he replied he will come, I was surprised. I told him the details of the night out and ran to my room to look for a good outfit.

It has been six months since I have stepped into a club and it was the night that I found out that Anton cheated on me. Hindi na ako nangahas pang pumunta pa sa club dahil baka kung saan na naman ako mapadpad. Isa pa, kapag iniisip kong wala nang Yvo para tulungan ako, nalulungkot lang ang puso ko.

I cannot hide my excitement when I got out of Brenna’s car. Yuan said he’s already inside. Mabuti na lang at hindi siya sumabay sa amin dahil paniguradong hindi iyon magugustuhan ni Brenna.

Nang maipark na ni Brenna ang sasakyan niya ay dumiretso na kami sa entrance. Loud music blasted out even from the outside. I can hear people screaming from the inside. It must be fun now.

Tinanguan ni Brenna ang security guard at bouncer at walang tanong kaming pinapasok.

“Kilala ka na rito, huh?” bulong ko kay Brenna na ngumisi lamang sa akin pabalik.

Pagpasok namin ay halos malula ako sa dami ng tao. Nilingon ko si Brenna na mas lalo lamang ngumisi.

“There’s a homecoming for a celebrity DJ tonight,” she said like that explains why there are a lot of people in here now.

I was about to ask something but then she pulled me into one of the booths. I was greeted by some of my batchmates from college. They all greeted me and talked about how long it has been since they saw me. Some of them said that they saw my travel books and loved it.

I smiled, happy that I can inspire others to travel because of my works. Iyon naman ang gusto ko. I want to influence people to love traveling because there is more to the world than what we are seeing right now.

Nagulat ako nang may biglang humawak sa balikat ko. Nilingon ko iyon at ngumiti nang makita si Yuan na nakadungaw sa akin. Umusog ako ng kaunti para makaupo siya sa tabi ko.

“Boyfriend?” tanong ni Janice, iyong best friend ni Brenna.

I smiled. Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko.

“Working on it,” sagot ni Yuan na siyang nagpatili sa mga kasama ko sa booth. Nilingon ko si Brenna na umiiling lang, halatang hindi nagustuhan ang sinabi ni Yuan.

Yuan slung his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to him. “Do you want a drink?” he whispered as he leaned closer to my ear.

I nodded and was about to smile at him when someone came across my periphery.

My whole body stilled as my eyes landed on his stare. He is sitting at a far booth with a woman beside him but his eyes are directly on me.

My breathing hitched as he stared at me. This is very different from how he looked at me six months ago.

Parang may kung anong humawak sa puso ko nang makita ko siyang tumayo at naglakad papunta sa direksyon ko.

My heart beat erratically as he walked closer. His eyes are on me, never leaving nor wavering. Tahi-tahip na kaba ang dumapo sa aking sistema lalo na nang maayos kong nasilayan ang kanyang mukha.

He cut his hair but it was not to his disadvantage. Mas lalo lang siyang naging guwapo dahil sa gupit niya ngayon. At hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa buhok niya kaya parang nag-iba ang tingin ko sa itsura niya o dahil sa…

“I’ll get us a drink,” biglang bulong ni Yuan sa tainga ko kaya napabaling ako sa kanya.

I smiled weakly and nodded. Yuan kissed my temple before leaving to get us some drinks.

I looked down and fiddled with my fingers. Kahit na hindi ako nakatingin ay alam kong may matatalim na titig ang nakapukol sa akin ngayon.

“Hi, Yvo!”

Halos mapamura ako nang marinig ko iyong boses ni Brenna. Hindi ko alam kung close ba siya kay Yvo o ano pero base sa boses niya ay parang ilang beses na rin silang nagka-usap. She sounded really friendly.

I immediately stood up before I do something stupid. I looked at Brenna who’s smirking at me. “Rest room lang ako,” sabi ko sa kanya at dali-dali nang umalis doon.

Laking pasasalamat ko dahil walang tao sa loob ng banyo. Huminga ako nang malalim habang pabalik-balik na naglalakad sa loob.

My heart isn’t anywhere near calm now. Iniisip ko pa lang ang mga titig niya ay halos malagutan na ako ng hininga.

I leaned on the counter and looked at myself in the mirror. I look okay. I don’t seem nervous. But then I remember him staring at me and all of my confidence goes down the drain.

Ihinilamos ko ang mga kamay ko sa mukha ko. Ilang segundo ko ring sinubukang kalmahin ang kabang namumuo sa dibdib ko.

I haven’t seen him in half a year but the intensity of emotions that he makes me feel seemed to have skyrocketed. Hindi ko maalalang naramdaman ko ang ganito katinding emosyon kahit kanino. Kahit kay Anton.

Ngayon lang. Ngayong nakita ko na si Yvo ulit.

I couldn’t even imagine how lonely it felt when he suddenly just disappeared in my life before. Ang sabi ni Brenna ay baka ganoon nga lang talaga. He will disappear as fast as he appeared.

And now, he appeared again.

Ano ba ang dapat kong maramdaman?

I stared at myself in the mirror for one last time. I need to face this now. I need to face him now to get over this feeling.

If there was one thing I learned about life, it is to confront my problems. Confront the things that make me feel awkward. That’s the only way to get over the feeling.

Pero iba ito…dahil pagkakita ko sa kanyang nakasandal sa pader at tila may hinihintay ay halos gustuhin ko na lang na lamunin ako ng lupa sa oras na ito.

His hands are inside his pockets while he lifted his gaze and looked my way. His intense stare made my insides shiver. He stood up straight while I gathered all my courage to step closer to him.

“What are you doing here?” Hindi ko alam kung nanginginig ba ang boses ko habang tinatanong ko iyon sa kanya pero sa sistema ko, siguradong ramdam ko iyon.

He c****d his head to the side as his stare remained on me. “To party, I guess…” he sounded cool, the total opposite of his gaze.

I nodded and started to walk past him but he grabbed my elbow. I couldn’t deny the sudden electrifying feeling that I felt when his skin touched mine.

I looked at him warily. I stared at his eyes and saw a faint of emotion. He looked…hurt?

“Why did you not meet me three months ago?” he whispered so softly, almost all breath, that made my heart beat even more unsteadily.