My Heart Minding Colors

Chapter 1 | Both Sides

A month after.

Many things could happend in a month, pero hindi alam na ganito karami ang mga pwedeng mangyari. Nakaupo ako ngayon sa couch habang walang ganang pinapanood ang malakas na pag buhos ng ulan mula sa bintana ng kwarto ko.

I can still remember my nightmare before that night.

Marie Esther Vaernes. Time of death, 10:57 am

I heard a long and loud beeping sound. I'm looking through a glass to see my mother lying on a bed, lifeless. I started to feel my warm tears falling from my eyes.

Mom.

The beeping sound became louder and louder. I can't hear what my brother and dad's saying, i can't hear my sobs, or the steps of people walking. My sight started to blur but i see the doctor walked out the room and talked to us. I'm looking at his mouth as he talk trying to understand what he is saying but i can't. I can't hear anything but that loud beeping noise. I'm starting to feel dizzy.

I don't know but i started to walk away, covering my ears and crying. But as farther i reached the more i feel suffocated.

I feel like... i feel like i'm dying...

Hindi na ko nag abalang punasan ang kumawalang luha mula sa mata kong magang maga na kakaiyak buong gabi. Tandang tanda ko pa nung tumawag si manang Luz sakin gamit ang phone ni mommy. Kasa ko no'n ang mga ka sama ko sa dance club, i was just having fun.

"Buti naman sumama na si Raine?" tanong sakin ng kaklse ko na si Selena.

"Sus, may suhol yan!"

"I'm happy you're here, Raine." sabi naman ni Kobe na katapat kong nakaupo sa mabanag lamesa kinauupuan naming magkakaklase.

"YIIIIIIEEEEEE!!"

"Tumahimik nga kayo, nakakahiya." saway ko agad sa kanila.

"Si Kobe nag bibinata!" pangasar ni Selena sa kanya. Ngumiti lang siya at hindi tumangi man lang.

"Kinikilig amp!" sabi naman ng usa sa mga kaibigan niya na kaklase din namin.

"Alam mo kasi, Raine. Etong si Kobe crush na crush ka niyan." sabi ni Justin sakin at umakbay pa siya kay Kobe.

"Pre, baka mahimatay ka na diyan!"

"Grabe pulang pula si kobe!"

habang umiingay pa lalo dito sa mesa namin, wala akong ibang ginawa kundi pagmasdan lang si Kobe na nakangiti lang habang nakayuko, nililibang yung sarili sa pag balasa ng playing cards.

"Kobe. Crush mo ko?" tanong ko sa kanya.

nag angat angad siya ng tingin ag diretsong sinagot yung tanong ko.

"Oo."

"Yun!"

"Sa wakas!"

"Hindi na torpe!"

"Graduate na!"

ngumiti ako, dahil sa tapang niya. "Kaso, hindi kita type eh."

saglit na tumahimik yung mga kaibigan namin bago sila ulit magumpisang mangasar.

"Gago dre, baka mag bigti yan!"

"'Lul!"

"Hindi pa nga nagsisimula, basted ka na!"

"Manalig ka dre!"

"REJECTED AMP! Dre tibayan mo lang!"

"Tara, mamaya!"

"Gago, nanlilibre na!"

"BROKEN NA, WASTED PA!"

I'm reminiscing that moment before manang Luz called to tell me what happend to mom.

"Xiavira, iha! Ang mommy mo sinugod sa hospital!"

Bigla akong nawala sa wisyo, basta ang gusto ko lang gawin ay umalis don'n at puntahan ang mommy ko. Ramdam ko pa yung pag sikip ng dibdib ko hanag nag lalakad ako, bawat hakbang ko parang lumiliit yung kuhanan ko ng hangin, nahihirapan akong huminga. Nanginginig ang mga kamay at tuhod ko pero pinilit ko parin. That time, all i wanted is to be with my mom, i was crying so hard, i can't control my feelings.

Next thing i knew, my sight turned blurry and when i woke up, i'm already in a hospital. Tumulo agad ang luha ko pag dilat ng mata ko, wala akong ibang inisip kundi si mommy. Nakita ko no'n di daddy, pero sa oinaka unang pag kakataon, hindi tuwa ang naramdaman ko kundi takot at kaba. Alam kong may nangyaring hindi maganda para umuwi pa si daddy dito. Nung una ayaw nila sakin sabihin kung anong nangyari dahil makakasama daw sakin, pero hindi rin nag tagal yon.

Anak, wala na ang mommy mo.

Nag uumapaw na ang luha ko, pero biglang may kumatok sa pinto ng kwarto ko. Mabilis kong pinunasan ang luha ko at inayos ang sarili ko.

I saw kuya Xandrei smiling worriedly as soon as i opened my door.

"Hi." I smiled back.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah." I said almost whispering.

"You're a bad liar." Pinitik niya ang noo ko gaya ng lagi niyang ginagawa.

Pumasok na siya at nilagpasan ako. Hawak ko ang noo ko nang isarado ko ang pinto.

"Masakit ah!" Reklamo ko.

Mahina niya lang akong tinawanan at naupo sa couch ko.

"Want to go back home?"

"Back home?" I asked confused.

"With our cousins. LaVelle's our home for the first place." I eyes grew wide as i realize.

"Can i? Really?" He just smiled at me and nod.

"I know they can help you a lot, Xiavira. Aalis na si daddy next week at magiging busy na ulit ako sa hospital. Hindi kita mababantayan ng maayos." Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya at tahimik na nakikinig sa sinasabi niya.

"I'm very worried about your health. Iniisip ko na pwedeng anytime atakihin ka ng sakit mo. Natatakot ako na pag nangyari yon, wala ako. Atleast pag nandon ka, may kasama ka." I kept silent.

Tuwa at pag kasabik ang una kong naramdaman ng sabihin niya 'yon pero habang tumatagal at pumapasok sakin ang lahat ng mga posibilidad at mga magiging kapalit, nag upisa akong mag dalawang isip.

"With them you could forget and recover. Atleast, faster than you stay here.. alone."

"How about my studies here? My friends?" I asked. It's not that i don't want to, pero syempre nanghihinahang ako sa naumpisahan ko na dito. Pag lumipat ako, panibagong simula.

"You can continue your studies at Hamilton... About your friends, they could still be your friend kahit hindi mo sila kasama and aren't our cousins your bestfriends?"

"How 'bout our house? Sinong maiiwan dito?"

"Ako. I'm here. Habang wala naman ako nandito naman sila manang. Pero si manang Luz, pasasamahin ko sayo."

"How 'bout..you, kuya. If i stay there i won't be seeing you anymore. Bakit pakiramdam ko parang...." uminit ang mata ko, nag babadya na naman ang mga luha. Lumapit si kuya sakit at niyakap ako, naramdaman ko ang haplos noya sa buhok ko.

"That won't ever happend, Xiavira Raine. "

"Kuya." I call him in a hoarse whisper.

"Don't overthink."

"I feel like our family's starting to.." i cried quietly.

"Of course not, lil' sis. Stop crying." I feel so weak for crying like this.

"Everything's gonna be fine." He caressed my back.

"Be strong, Xi. i love you." That made me cry even more.

DAYS passed and today is the day i'll leave Manila. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko parin matanggap na nagyayari ang lahat ng 'to. Alam mo yon? In just a snap, nawala ang lahat ng kinasanayan mo, nabago ang lahat.

Bumaba na ako at nakita ko si daddy sa living room na nag babasa ng libro, agad niya iyong binaba at tumayo nang makita ako.

"You'll be leaving today." My father stated the obvious.

"Yes and you'll be leaving next week dad." I smiled. He just answered me with a soft laugh.

"Dala mo ang inhaler mo?" I nod.

"Meds?" I nod, smiling.

"Always keep your phone open, and fully charged. Para pag may emergency magagamit mo." Paalala niya. I'm just smiling at him.

"Wag kang hihiwalay sa mga pinsan mo, always be open to them para alam nila ang gagawin, okay?"

"I know what to do, dad." Sabi ko na hindi parin inaalis ang ngiti sa mga labi.

He smiled at me and ruffle my hair.

"Take care, anak." He said before he pulled me for a hug.

"I'll miss you dad." I said almost crying and hug him back

"I'll miss you too." He caressed my back before whispering.

"I love you so much."

That made me lost with my tears and started crying quietly.

"I love you too dad." I whispered.

Pinunasan ko ang luha ko bago ako humiwalay sa yakap niya at ngumiti.

"Let's go?" Kuya Xan asked. I just nod at him.

Lumabas na kami at inilagay ang mga gamit ko sa likod ng kotse. I glanced at my dad again before i enter the car.

"Take care." I saw him mouthed.

It makes me emotional seeing him like this. Namumula na ang mata niya at halatang pinipigilan ang pag iyak. My dad.

"I will." I mouthed back.

I take a deep breath as soon as i enter the car. I looked at my kuya, he look so worried. I wiped my tears away and smile at him.

I saw him open the window to my side. I quickly turn to see my dad, crying quietly while looking at us. I feel like someone just stabbed my heart. I held back my tears, smile and shout.

"Be strong, dad! I love you!" I said just like how my brother said it to me last time.

NAUNA na si manang Luz at anh ibang maids na makakasama ko dito kaya dumating kami na malinis na ang bahay. Pinaakyat na ako agad ni kuya sa kwarto ko para makapag pahinga na daw ako. Ilang minuto lang ang lumipas, bumukas ang pinto ng kwarto ko at nakita ko si kuya.

"Aalis ka na ba?"

"I'll go after you sleep." Sabi niya at umupo sa hinila ang swivel chair sa study table ko, dinala niya yon sa tabi nang kama ko at doon naupo.

"Okay." I said almost whispering.

"Hey."

"Take care kuya."

"You take care."

"I can take care of myself, and i have our cousins, pati sila tita at tito, nadito rin sila lolo. Pero ikaw, you're alone there. I'm more worried than you are kuya."

"You don't need to worry, sweet girl." He said chuckling.

I kept silent to show him i'm serious.

"Okay, i will." he smiled. "And you, take care of your health."

"How many times now you've said that kuya?" i laugh.

He just chuckled."You don't have to worry about me and focus on your patients, doc."

"You just sound like mom."

Mabilis na nawala ang ngiti ko ng sabihin niya yon, his face became rigid when he realized.

I smiled to show him i'm okay. "You look funny, kuya." I laugh a little.

"You brat."

Hindi ko na siya sinagot at umayos na ng higa.

"Always see the good side in everything." Bulong ko sa sarili ko.

"Always see both sides, Xi. Don't just focus on the good side, only fools would do that." I remained silent, listening to his words. "Lahat may dahilan, lahat may halaga. Walang tapon. Kasi lahat ng iyon ang bubuo sayo. "

I smile. "What's your favorite song, kuya?"

"Favorite song?" I can almost hear him thinking. "I have no favorite, but lately i'm liking one song."

"What song?"

"May gusto ko bang ipahiwatig?" I smile widely not denying his words.

"You want me to sing." He stated.

"Dad always sing me to sleep pag nandito siya sa pilipinas. Gusto niya bumawi kasi lagi siyang wala." I explained.

I saw him stand and get my guitar hanging beside my mini library.

"Okay, then." I smile in triumph. I barely hear my brother sing. "But before that, can you tell me your thoughts about a story?"

"Okay." I agreed despite of my confusion.

"There's this guy, really focused on something. He doesn't want any distractions." I kept silent, listening.

"But something happend accidentally.. very unexpected. That guy almost hit a girl. She's very pretty and smart, but a little reckless." He continued.

I noticed that he's very careful about the details. That made me smile.

"And?" I asked.

"She has this strong personality, that is really remarkable. Eversince that night, this guy can't get her out in his mind. He keep thinking about her.. He knew from the very start that he's attracted to that reckless girl." I heard him sigh but let out a smile afterwards. That made me smile even more.

"And one day, that girl sing for him unexpectedly, and open up her life. That made him more hooked about her. Now, they haven't seen each other for over a week. The guy's really confused and---"

"Para yang archery, kuya. Ikaw ang archer at siya ang target. Pag mas pinilit mong hilahin ang sarili mo palayo, mas mapapalapit ka lang sa kanya pag bumitaw ka."

Umupo ako.

"Ang ibig kong sabihin.. hayaan mo lang. Mangyayari ang mangyayari. Hindi mo kailangang manipulahin. Pakiramdaman mo lang.." sabi ko at ipinatong pa kanang kamay sa right chest ko kung nasaan ang puso. "In short, sharamdaram shamdaram!~ pag tumibok ang puso!"

He laugh because of that.

"Baka naman gusto mo na siya? Just tell her you like her."

"I can't do that."

"So meron na nga?" Nakangising tanong ko.

Hindi siya sumagot.

"If you have feelings for her, then so be it! Ano naman ngayon? Love is inevitable, kuya. If your heart beat for someone, wala ka nang magagawa at kung subukan mo mang labanan yon, magsasayang ka lang ng oras mo. Man up, dude!" I saw him narrowed his eyes in confusion.

"But i'm still confused."

"Being confused means you already feel something." I pursed my lips, trying not to smile playfully.

"Yeah i kn--- wait.." i saw his eyes grew wide in realization. "H-hindi ko sinabing ako yung guy!"

"I'm happy for you, kuya. Wag mo nang itanggi, huli ka na eh." I smiled widely, teasing and playfully.

"I can't hide anything from you." He said accepting his defeat.

"Tell her what you feel, be open about your feelings. Baka ma lovesick ka niyan." Tinawanan ko siya.

"You brat." I heard him chuckle before he start strumming.

I close my eyes smiling, i take a deep breath and i started to feel drowsy. Kuya has a very good voice pero sobrang bihira ko lang siya marinig kumanta, pahirapan pa pag pakakantahin ko siya but tonight's the only exception.

Broken all the pieces I've been shaping lately

Focused on the things that didn't make no sense

Guess that growing up was never meant to be easy

Yeah, I got used to doing everything sideways

Didn't really care about how everyone felt

Hiding my emotions down in different ashtrays

Oh, but what is lost ain't gone

No, you can't just let go

'Cause it's a part of you that will make you strong

Embrace your flaws

I'm not gonna fight back what I've become

Yeah, I've got bruises where I came from

But I wouldn't change if I could restart

He strummed the last note before i heard him put down the guitar. I can feel his presence come closer to me. Seconds passed and i felt him kissed my forehead.

"I'll miss you." A tear escape my eye when i hear him whisper.

I already knew this would happen, napaaga lang siguro. I'll miss you too, kuya.

song: Beautiful Scars by Maximillian https://youtu.be/OUFuaMj6z-w