02
1011 Words
Going home is one of the most exciting things we could always feel. We always fascinate about being home after the longest time we had been away, but not for me. I don't. And I don't think I will ever be.
I have been trying to even my breathing as I drove closer to my town. My hands are cold too as I grip on the stirring wheel.
"What the hell, Jianna! You're just going home. Calm the shits," I scolded myself.
I inhaled and exhaled, but no avail. My heart still beats faster the moment I entered the boundary to my town.
"WELCOME TO MARIVELES"
I said to myself; griping my cold hands tighter at the stirring wheel.
"You are home," I murmured to myself again.
But I couldn't feel home, instead I, nervous as if I’m going to enter an unfamiliar territory.
Memories suddenly started to flashback before my eyes.
"Anong mas importante sa'yo, trust or love?" he asked me.
"Trust," I answered.
"Bakit naman?" he asked again.
"Syempre, aanhin mo ang Love kung wala namang Trust. Para kasi sa akin, para mas maging matatag ang isang relasyon, kailangan malaki ang tiwala n'yo sa isa't-isa ng partner mo," I explained.
He just nod, staring at me like he was trying to read something within my eyes. He then smiled after a while.
Trust. That's bullshit.
I played my stereo and focus my attention on driving. Dismissing those inappropriate memories.
f**k! Why do I have to remember that anyway?
After almost an hour I was already home. Agad akong sinalubong ng bunso kong kapatid para kuhanin ang dalawag box ng pizza-ng pinabili niya pagkatapos ay kayag-kayag nitong ipinasok sa loob ng bahay ang alaga naming asong si Athena.
Umirap na lamang ako sa kilos nito.
"Halika na sa loob, anak. Nakahain na ang pagkain," mama invited me.
I nodded and followed her inside.
I was welcomed with the familiar vibe inside, but it alienated me somehow. I can't distinguished what was exactly I am feeling, but having the feeling of familiarity in my system sends chill on my back.
"Ganda mo dito, Mahal," he said as he stares at my graduation picture.
Nakasabit iyon sa ibabaw ng aming TV, katabi ng graduation picture rin ni Kuya at wedding picture nila Mama at Papa.
"Haba pa ng buhok mo dito, hanggang saan 'to?" he asked curiously.
"Hanggang dito," I answered pointing the back of my waist.
"Ang haba na pala. Bakit mo pinaputol?" tanong n’ya ulit.
"Because I am moving on; I'm moving on from those hurting me," I answered.
"Kasama ba ako roon?" He asked innocently. I chuckled.
"Silly," I replied.
I can't help but smirked remembering that. Another bullshit.
I touched the tip of my hair, it lengths on my waist again.
Kung sa bawat nakakasakit na nagawa sa akin ng taong iyon noon ay kailangan kong magpabawas ng buhok, paniguradong wala ng matitirang hibla sa aking ulo. Mas mahaba pa sa hibla ng aking buhok ang listahan ng lahat ng p*******t na nagawa n'ya sa akin.
"Bakit pala na pauwi ka, Ate? Hindi naman holiday ngayon ah? Siguro, wala ka na namang trabaho no?" Dire-diretsong tanong ng kapatid ko habang ngumunguya ng pizza.
"Jerico, ah! Ayusin mo nga ang pananalita mo sa ate mo!" Suway ni Mama. Ngumisi lang ako.
"Naka-leave ako,” I answered. "Ikaw, bakit nakatambay ka rito sa bahay? Wala ka bang klase ngayon?" I also asked him.
Nakita ko naman ang pagpalitan nila ng tingin ni mama.
"I am hoping that you are studying real hard now, your tuition fee isn't a joke, just so you know," I added.
I am the in-charge for his studies habang pinag hahatian naman ng pangay naming kapatid na Engineer at ng OFW naming ama ang pag babayad sa lupa't bahay na buwan-buwan naming hinuhulugan.
"Intramurals namin ngayon ate, pweding hindi um-attend," he defended.
I nodded. "Kaya pala ang daming nagkalat na mga estudyante sa Mall kanina."
He is studying at the State University, he wished to study in Manila since I’m also there but we all disagreed. Iyong tuition palang niya rito sa probinsya ay masakit na sa bulsa, paano pa kaya kung sa Manila pa siya mag-aaral. Buti sana kung papasa siya bilang scholar ng kahit sino, ngunit ang academic standing nito ay malayo pa sa katotohanan.
Dahil kung ano ang kinasipag ng panganay naming kapatid sa pag aaral ay iyon naman ang kabaliktaran ng aming bunso; he was all about the fun and when the difficult time comes, ate and kuya are his favorite words. What a spoiled brat.
"S’ya nga pala, anak. Kumusta ka naman roon? Hindi ka ba nahihirapan sa trabaho mo?" Mama butted in.
"Ayos lang naman po. Sanay na po ako sa trabaho ko kaya hindi na mahirap sa akin ang gawain ko sa bawat araw," I answered.
I have been in the job for a year now and the tons of work load doesn't stress me anymore.
"Eh iyong mga katrabaho mo? Mga kasundo mo ba?"
"Opo, Ma. Maayos naman ang pakitungo nila sa akin kahit noon palang na hindi pa ako ang may hawak ng posisyon."
"Mabuti naman. Nag-aalala akong baka nag titiis ka lang roon, na baka maulit na naman iyong dati noong dito ka pa sa atin nag tatrabaho. Sana ay hindi na maulit iyong dati na pinagtitiisan mo lang ang trabaho dahil may reponsibilidad ka sa amin," she dramatically said.
"Magkaiba po ang estado ko rito noon, sa estado ko ngayon sa Manila, Ma. Hindi na po ako maaapi ng kahit sino. Hindi ko na po pahihintulutan," I answered.
The Jianna before is already dead, she's no longer me now. Because the Jianna Astrid that people encounters now is the braver and fiercer version of me. The Jianna who won't let anyone step on her. Not ever again.
"Mabuti naman kung gan'on. Hindi ko kasi mapigilang mag isip kung kumusta ka lagi."
"You don't have to worry about me, Ma. Hindi na ako tulad ng dati na nag papaapi. Lalaban na ako ngayon," I said.
Lalaban na ako at hindi na papatapak sa kahit kanino. I will fight back, I will never let them hurt me the way they did before. Not anymore.
- Writer
