Steel Hearts

Chapter 39

Chapter 39 – Unspoken Thing

     Riego insisted that we eat before we both head back to base. Sabi nya, masyado na daw akong maraming pinagdadaanan nitong nakalipas na mga araw at naging masyadong busy sa mga GAICS. Dapat raw ay matuto akong mag pahinga at maglibang minsan kahit pa hindi araw ng passes.

    Pagkatapos naming kumain ay inihatid nya ako sa kampo kung saan naroon na ang GAICS at naghahanda upang tumungo sa nakatalagang magkasunod na huling dalawang pagsubok nila bago ang final verdict. Tutungo kami ng National Military Academy para humalubilo sa mga kadete.

    Ang una nilang sasamahan ay ang Field Training Exercise at susunod ay ang Soldier Team Development. Dalawang magkaibang training ito na pinagdadaanan ng mga kadete. Imbis na ito ang unahin, pinili kong ito ang huli naming magiging pit stop dahil dito, paniguradong matetrain at maiindoktrinahan sila sa buhay ng sundalo ng bansa. Alam kong kakayanin nila physically ang training, pero gusto kong makita kung kaya nilang matutunan ang kultura naming mga nasa pwersa. Dapat ang prinsipyo ang ma-instill sa kanila at hindi lang basta kakayahan. That will be the hardest phase that they have to undergo. Because although they have an IQ that is higher than ours, hindi ganoon kadali matutunan maging tao. Hindi madaling mag isip gaya ng tao. And that’s what can hinder them from joining us in the field.

    That’s because I can’t let a loose animal into war. Hindi na pwedeng maulit ang walang habas na pagpatay ni Chaos gaya noong gabi na ubusin nya ang isang buong kampo ng mga terorista. Not anymore.

“Good to see you back, Lieutenant.” Bati sa akin ni Danger.

    Ngumiti ako sa kanya sabay linga sa paligid ng kwarto. Everyone was here except him. Wala ang mukhang hinahanap ko kanina pa. Napamaang ako nang tumawa si Danger.

“He’s at the office, still running some leader task that they ask of him.” Saad nya na para bang nabasa kung sino ang hinahagilap ko.

    Tinaasan ko sya ng kilay.

“Hindi ko naman hinahanap si Chaos.” Depensa ko sa sarili ko.

“I didn’t say any name… but you just said it.” Lalong umigting ang tawa ni Danger. “Don’t worry, ma’am. He’ll be here anytime soon. Lalo na kapag narinig nyang andito ka na.”

    I was caught in my own tongue. Napapikit nalang ako. Gaano ba kahalata na kanina ko pa sya gustong makita? I’m being ridiculously weird.

“Make sure you’re all squared away.” I ordered before I left the barracks of the GAICS.

    I went to my barracks and started to fix my things as well. This is what soldiers do. We have no time to mourn. Kailangan naming bumalik agad sa trabaho na para bang wala kaming personal na problema o pinagdadaanan. Even deaths of people we love can’t be an excuse for us to rest. No time for emotions.

    I was going through my clutters when I saw my medicines intended for my panic attacks, depression and PTSD. I stared at them for quite some time before I decided to shove it at the back of my bags for travel. Aminin ko man o hindi, kailangan ko ang mga gamot na ito lalo na kung dadating ang oras na talagang aatake ang mental problems ko na pinalala lalo ng mga nakalipas na pangyayari. I can feel it inside me. I’m starting to get worse. But I can’t afford to have my emotions mishandled lalo na in front of officers. Magiging grounds ito ng immediate suspension ko at hindi iyon maaaring mangyari lalo na at mayroon akong kailangang resolbahin na misteryo.

    A knock on my door brought me back to senses. I was quick to pile up the bag with the medicines to have them covered neatly.

“Sandali lang.” Sigaw ko sa tao sa pintuan.

     Nang buksan ko iyon ay iniluwa nito ang mukhang kanina ko pa inaantay makita. He was wearing an athletic uniform – t-shirt and shorts. Tinitigan nya muna ako nang ilang segundo kaya tinaasan ko sya ng kilay at saka ako nag cross arms.

    Bago pa ako makapagsalita at magmaldita ay bigla nya akong hinila palapit sa kanya upang yakapin. Umurong ang dila ko. Nawala lahat ng gusto kong sabihin. Napawi lahat with just a single action. Ganito talaga ang epekto sa akin ni Chaos at hindi ko alam kung mayroon din bang gamot na pwedeng inumin para bumabaw o mawala ang ganitong sintomas.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t come back to you.” He apologized. “Officers have been so demanding of my time.”

“Now you get what I mean when I say that this is the hardest profession on earth.” Natatawa kong sabi.

   He broke the hug and smiled back.

“Let me help you with your things. Para makabawi man lang ako.” Offer nya.

    We went inside the room and he started to help me pack my things up.

“I heard about the encounter – your chase out with a stranger who then committed suicide in front of your eyes.” Saad nya habang tinitiklop ang pares ko ng BDA. “Anong nangyari?”

     Natigilan ako sa pag-sasalansan ng toiletries ko. Memories of the earlier incident flooded through me. Nanlulumo pa rin ako sa tuwing naaalala ko kung gaano na ako kalapit sa mga sagot na gusto kong makuha. I was an inch away if he had not blown his own head. Misplaced loyalty.

    Umupo ako sa tabi nya at binunot ang liham na iniabot sa akin ng lalaki kanina. I was keeping it all to myself and only planned to show him because he is the only individual that I trust enough. Isa pa, alam kong kaya ni Chaos ang sarili nya. He can’t be killed kaya alam kong sya ang pinaka magandang maging kasama sa kasong ito.

“Captain del Mundo was fixing my papers when that man approached me. He just popped out of the blue. Malamang iniintay nya ang vulnerable moment ko. Inabot nya yan sa akin saying that I should sign it. Akala ko naman ay dokumento dahil it was formatted like one. But when I read it, I found out it was a threat.” Inabot ko ang liham kay Chaos.

     Tinignan nya rin iyon at binasa. Nababaliw pa rin ako sa kakaisip kung sino ang may lakas ng loob na pagbantaan ako sa loob ng istasyon ng pulisya. Those three statements are hunting me. Watch your steps after. Choose a wise path. Sometimes, good is evil.

“Did you get what it means?” He asked.

“The gist, yes.” Sabi ko. “The mastermind wants me to stop going after him.”

   Tiniklop ng maayos ni Chaos ang papel at inabot muli sa akin. Pagkatapos ay tinignan nya ako nang masinsinan.

“That won’t stop you, will it?” Saad nya. “But can I?”

    It was more of a question na alam na nya ang sagot. Never will I be threatened by mere words. Hindi ako duwag. Pero bakit gusto nya akong pigilan sa pag alam ng katotohanan? Umiling ako ng matigas sa kanya.

“Buhay ang kinuha nila sa akin, Chaos. Kailangan nilang bayaran yun ng mahal.” I stated. “I promised over General Claridades’ body that I will seek justice for his death. Para sa kanya, para sa pamilya nya.”

“Paano kung buhay mor in ang maging kapalit?” Tanong nya.

“Then, I will gladly trade it.” Walang atubili kong tugon.

“And then what, Ril?!” He exclaimed, taken aback by my answer. “Madadala mo ba lahat ng malalaman mo once you rot six feet under? You will only have the worms to tell!”

“At anong gusto mong gawin ko? Manahimik?” Tumayo ako out of frustration. “Mananahimik na lang ako, at hahayaan sila na parang walang nangyari? Uusad ako sa buhay at magpapanggap na walang pagpatay na naganap? Na kusa nalang namatay ang taong tumayo bilang Tatay ko? Ganun ba, Chaos?”

“I didn’t mean it that way.” He said.

“Sure you didn’t.” I mocked him.

    He averted his gaze. Lumunok sya at bakas na bakas ang ganda ng pagkakagawa ng Adam’s apple nya. He massaged the crease of his forehead and closed his eyes tightly. I wonder why he still has this effect on me even if I am mad right now.

“Akala ko ba kakampi kita? Sinasabi ko lahat sayo dahil alam kong kakampihan mo ko. Ikaw lang ang nag-iisang pinagkatiwalaan ko nito. You were on my side…” I said “But now it seems like you are not anymore.”

     I was already crying. Emotions surged on me and I was eaten alive. Pakiramdam ko ay pagod na akong makipagtalo sa mundo. I was damn frustrated. Pakiramdam ko kasi pati ang nagiisang tao na inaasahan ko ay tinalikuran ako. Parang kailangan ko talaga buhatin lahat ng mag-isa.

    Tumayo sya at lumapit sa akin nang madali nang mapansin ang pag-iyak ko. Bakas sa mukha nya ang pag-aalala sa akin.

“Listen, Ril.” His hands reached over to my shaky ones. “You have to calm down, please.”

     Nagsisimula nang mag-iba ang breathing pattern ko at nararamdaman ko na ang panginginig ng laman ko. If this continues, I’m sure that I’ll have an attack.

“Come here.” niyakap nya ako nang marahan at hinaplos ang likod. Inaalo nya ako at pinapatahan. “Sabayan mo lang ang paghinga ko. Please.”

    Pumikit ako at niramdam ang pattern ng synthetic breathing pattern nya. Sinabayan ko iyon sa abot ng makakaya ko. We were like that for a few minutes until I was fully okay. I had my emotions controlled and my breathing was already restored to fine. We were back to sitting in the bunks. Pinainom nya ako ng tubig at minasdan lang nya ako habang paunti unti ko iyong nilalagok.

“How long have you been off your meds?” Tanong nya sa akin nang matapos ko nang inumin ang isang baso ng tubig.

“I’m not sure.” I honestly answered.

    Napapikit sya sa sinabi ko. Dapat ay araw araw akong umiinom pero hindi ko sinusunod ang doctor. I only drink when I feel like I need to. He knows my prescription dahil kasama ko syang magpa-check.

“You see. This is one reason kung bakit ako nag-aalala sa gusto mong mangyari.” He commented.

“Kaya ko ang sarili ko.” Malamig kong sabi.

“Here you go again.” Utas nya. “Makinig ka naman sa akin, Ril.”

“Kung ipipilit mo lang na tumigil na ako, pasensya ka na hindi ko yan kayang ibigay. Magsasayang ka lang ng oras mo. Umalis ka nalang.”

      He sensed the coldness in my voice and that’s probably why he sighed. Tumayo sya pagkatapos mag buntong hininga. Akala ko ay aalis talaga sya pero umupo sya at niyakap ako. Natumba kaming dalawa sa kama pahiga habang yapos nya ako sa mga braso.

“Ano ba?” Suway ko sa kanya. “Bitiwan mo ko at umalis ka na.”

“Ayoko. Hindi ako aalis.” Sabi nya. “Matigas rin ang ulo ko. Kaya gagawin ko rin kung anong gusto ko.”

     My head laid on his chest as his arms wrapped around my body. I felt like I was in the safest place in the world. It was tranquil to be in this position. His fingers are running through my hair and I did not argue anymore. We just stayed silent for quite some time.

“Ril.” He broke the silence by calling my nickname.

“Hmm?” Tugon ko na nakapikit na.

“I hope you’re not mad at me.” Saad nya.

     Napadilat ako sa sinabi nya.

“I’m not mad.” Totoo kong sagot.

     I know that he’s just concerned of my welfare. Alam kong kakagayan ko lang ang inaalala nya kaya nya iyon nasabi sa akin. Ayaw nya akong mapahamak pa. Hindi mon a kasi kailangan ng 100 times greater IQ than average para lang mapagtanto mong panganib lang ang susuungin ko. It was obvious. I’m playing with fire and I might get burned alive.

“Thank you.” He told me in a low voice. “I just don’t want to lose you. You know I can’t handle my program. I might go crazy if you’re gone.”

“I won’t.” paninigurado ko sa kanya.

     Hindi ko man nakikita ang ekspresyon ng mukha nya, alam kong naalala nya ang gabi ng engkwentro namin sa Sandukil. Pero kung mayroon mang mawawala, hindi ako yun. Hindi ko hahayaang matalo nila ang kabutihan. I will put an end to their cruelty, whoever they may be.

“Promise me.” Itinaas nya ang kanyang kamay at iniumang ang hinliliit nya.

      Napangiti ako sa inakto nya. Tumango ako at inabot ang daliri nya ng daliri ko.

“I do pinky swear.” Saad ko.

     There’s this unspoken thing between us two. We both know it. I know it – but I’m just in denial. I’m denying it because I can’t accept the fact that I might be delusional. Because this unspoken thing must not be felt by a human to someone who is not. And I’m afraid that this is all just something I have in my head.

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