In Between The Lines

Kabanata IV

College

I f****d up.

I’ve been staring at my ceiling for a long time now while laying flat in my bed. I couldn’t move.

I have never been embarrassed in front of a man.

Hindi naman ako nauutal kapag kinakausap ng iba, kahit hindi ko pa kilala. It seems that I could not formally form any words kapag siya ang kaharap. What is happening to me?

The party went well. Nakakain pa naman din ako. Hindi ako umalis ng table kahit na paminsan ay iniiwanan ako nina Wilder at Oliver to acquaint with other guests. Pinupuntahan din naman ako ni Marco para kamustahin pero aalis din dahil sa mga tumatawag sa kanyang ibang guests din.

At sa tuwing naiiwan ako, pinupuntahan ako ng magkakapatid na Navarro.

“So, you have met my other brother.” Adelina drawled beside me.

Shit! She noticed me staring at Ivan.

“Yeah. But it’s good to see you also. You have grown much since the last time we spoke.” I said.

“I’m in my Senior High School now. Time flies so fast.”

Indeed.

“Yes. In a blink of an eye, you will be in college soon.” Her features matured perfectly. The mini version of Tita Isadora.

She brought her glass of wine to my table before sipping into it. I guess she’s in the legal age to drink alcohol.

“I never heard of you after you finished the mural in our garden. Even after the party Mama hosted to celebrate your project.”

“I got busy with school,”

We exchanged numbers after that. Hindi ko maitatanggi na magaan ang loob ko kay Adelina. She’s bubbly and easy to approach. She wants to invite me to their house some other time to hang out. Hindi naman ako tumanggi as long as I am available. College na rin ako sa susunod na pasukan at alam kong mas magiging abala ko kumpara noong Senior High School.

Bumalik siya sa kanilang lamesa dahil tinawag siya ni Tita Isadora. Marco’s parents are with them. Hinatid ko siya ng tingin at hindi ko naiwasang mapadpad din ang aking tingin sa kanyang kapatid na si Ivan. I stuttered earlier when he tried to talk to me and that’s so embarrassing.

Just like his father and Kuya Archie, he’s also wearing a black tuxedo with a black neck tie underneath his coat. May hawak din siyang wine glass at seryosong nakikipag usap sa kanyang pamilya. May ibang guests na dumadaan sa kanilang table para makipag usap din ngunit hindi naman nagtatagal.

I did not notice that my chin was resting on my palm while looking at him intently. Nahagip niya ang aking titig kaya agad kong kinalas ang nakapatong kong mga siko sa lamesa at tumuwid ng pagkakatayo.

Nasaan na ba si Oliver at Wilder? Ang tagal nila akong iniwan dito na magisa!

Now, I do not know what to do.

But that dessert table keeps on calling me. That chocolate cake looks so good.

Ginala ko ang mga mata ko sa aking paligid. Kwentuhan, tawanan, at may naririnig akong mga business related sa kanilang pagpupulong. If Mama is here, she can easily blend in this crowd.

“You looked lonely…”

Bumaling ang aking tingin kay Kuya Archie na bahagyang tumabi sa akin. He’s alone. With a glass of wine in his hand.

“Hindi naman po,” nahihiya ko pang sagot.

Well, in fact, I am lonely. Wala akong makausap sa event na ito! Iniwan naman ako ng mga kaibigan ko to acquaint with others! I don’t fit in this crowd. Gusto ko na lang umuwi.

Pero para akong tinatawag sa malambing na boses ng chocolate cake na iyon.

“I heard that you are the niece of Lyra Carvalho? The Palm Garden?”

Hindi na rin naman kataka taka na kilala nila ang angkang Carvalho. Matagal na sa industriya ng negosyo ang aking lolo. I’m pretty sure na marami nang nakakakilala sa kanila not just here but also in other towns.

“Opo, pamangkin po ako. Lolo ko po si Laurentio Carvalho.”

“Yes! Mr. Laurentio Carvalho. I admired his works.” Kuya Archie sipped on his glass.

I have little idea about the business of my mother’s family. But I know that they are supplying palm oils and other products that could be made with palm to big supermarkets nationwide. And pagkakatanda ko sa kwento ni Mama ay sila ang unang nagsupply ng ganitong produkto sa buong Pilipinas.

“I have little knowledge about the palm business, Kuya. Hindi ko rin kasi hilig iyon.” Sambit ko.

“Oh that’s fine. I just got curious, that’s all.” He fixed his eyeglasses with his middle finger and smiled.

I saw in my peripheral vision that Ivan is approaching. Pinagpapawisan ang aking mga palad at abot ang tahip ng aking dibdib habang mas palapit pa siya sa akin. Hindi ko siya matinginan ng buo kaya tinuon ko na lamang ang aking pansin sa wine na nasa aking harap. Kanina pa ito rito at hindi ko kinikobo. Ngayon ay mapipilitan pa yata ako.

I guided the rim of the glass to my lips and hesitantly sipped on it. Ang pinaghalong pait at tamis ng wine ay nanuod sa aking dila hanggang sa aking lalamunan. Naging maanghang lamang ito nang makarating na sa aking sikmura. Kumunot ang aking buong mukha bilang reaksyon at marahang pinunasan ang aking bibig.

I heard Kuya Archie chuckling beside me while Ivan finally got to my other side.

“I caught you,” Ivan whispered.

Parang tambol ang aking dibdib sa sobrang lakas ng t***k nito.

“Maiwan ko muna kayo. Gus, samahan mo siya dito.” Tinapik ni Kuya Archie and balikat ng kanyang kapatid bago bumaling at ngumiti sa akin.

Tumango naman si Ivan sa kanyang kapatid bago ito umalis at iwan kaming dalawa sa maliit na lamesang ito.

“I caught you… staring at the dessert table.” He drawled.

Napatingin na ako ng tuluyan sa kanya at mas lalo lamang uminit ang pisngi ko. Nakangiti siya sa akin at para na akong tinutunaw sa mainit at kumukulong tubig ngayon. Nagiwas ako ng tingin at pinulot na lamang ang aking wine glass para inumin.

“Uh.. gusto ko kasi sana ng chocolate cake. N-nahihiya lang a-ako.”

“Bakit ka mahihiya? They purposely served that cake to be enjoyed by the guests. And you are a guest.”

Oo nga naman. Totoo nga naman ang sinabi niya. But still…

“Yes… I am a guest. Pero okay lang. Bibili na lang ako bukas sa convenience store.”

“Ah! Nonsense. Come, I’ll go with you.”

Ivan caught my hand that made me freeze for a second. Nagpatuloy lamang ang aking mga paa nang hilahin niya ang buo kong katawan palapit sa dessert table na kanina ko pa tinitingnan. Sa ganitong distansya, nagbubunyi na ang aking kalooban. Sa lapit niya ay halos abot kamay ko na ang kanyang braso.

“S-sandali lang. Nahihiya talaga ako.”

Ngunit hindi na importante ang mga winika ko. Nakarating na kami sa harap ng napakadami at nagsasarapang klase ng desserts. May cakes, macarons, sweetened fruits, breads and puddings. Halos wala pang bawas ang kahit alin sa mga ito kaya mas lalo akong nahiya kung ako ang unang kukuha ng parte dito.

“Here you go, pili ka na ng gusto mo.”

“No, ayoko! Balik na ako sa table-”

Ivan’s grip tightened around my wrist just enough to stop me from fleeing. His thumb brushes my pulse point, sending a jolt up my arm.

“You’re shaking,” he murmured. “Is it the wine?”

Before I could stutter a reply, we already reached the desert table. He snatched a plate and piled it with three slices of chocolate cake. “This one’s infused with chili oil,” he said, pointing to the cake he put on the plate. “Bittersweet, like your paintings.”

Infused with chili oil? Mahalang? Bagay ba iyon sa cake? Matamis tapos maanghang?

“My paintings doesn’t look like bittersweet to me,” inabot ko ang platong binibigay nya sa akin. Sa palagay ko pa ay dark chocolate ang ginamit rito. Mas maitim pa ito kumpara sa kulay ng ordinaryong cacao.

“The mural at our house. The one you made in the garden, the one that made my mother cry more than once a month.” He held my gaze, unflinching. “You paint like someone who is starving.”

He’s making connections through our eyes, at hindi ko mabawi iyon. Ayaw ng utak ko at mas lalong ayaw ng puso ko. Dahil baka ito ang huling beses na makakalapit ako sa kanya ng ganito.

I paint like someone who is starving. He commented as if he’s an expert. But, maybe I am… Starving for so many things. At home, in school, in life, on him…

Ang bilis ng minuto ay hindi ko namalayan nang makabalik na kami sa aming mesa. Dumaan sa aming gilid ang server na may dalang champagne flutes. Kumuha si Ivan ng isa at inilagay niya iyon sa tabihan ng cake. “Drink this instead, Sweeter. Like you.”

“I’m not sweet,” I protested, but the lie crumbled as I bit into the chili-chocolate cake. Fire exploded on my tongue— just like the heat flooding my cheeks.

I fan out my fingers against my mouth to create air. Kahit ang aking hininga ay nararamdaman kong mainit. I grabbed the champagne flute at agad pinangalahatian iyon. He’s right, it’s sweeter unlike wine. Pero konting sandali lamang iyong naghatid ng ginhawa sa akin.

Ivan leaned in, his breath a whisper against my ear: “Liar. Your art’s full of sugar, even when it hurts.”

Then—

Adelina materialised beside me.

“Oops. Am I interrupting something?” she said, licking the custard cream of her eclair off her thumb.

“Kuya, dad asked me to call you. He’s with Kuya Archie, talking about business or whatever.”

“You should be interested in this business too, Adi. You benefited from it.” Ivan said.

“Oh no, you’re wrong. I will be living under Kuya Archie’s shadow so that I can live however I want without worrying about anything.”

“And he approved of this?” Ivan.

“Hmm… it doesn’t matter. Come now!” Nagmamadaling bumalik si Adelina sa kanilang mesa. Nakita ko nga na kausap ni Kuya Archie ang kanyang ama at seryoso ang kanilang ekspresyong. Which could only mean business. I observed this expression with my lolo, he’s really serious when talking about the palm.

Ivan exhaled through his nose. “Five minutes,” he told me, then vanished into the crowd.

Ten minutes… then thirty… until the party has ended. He didn’t come back.

They must have been really into it that he forgot about me. Which was fine, it’s their business, anyway.

First day of college. And the beat of my heart is on the roof.

Kasama ko ngayon si Mama dala ang dalawang malaking bag. We decided na magdorm na lang ako. It will be better since the apartment will be a walking distance from school. May makakasama naman akong isang roommate kaya napapayag ko rin siya. Kung byahe ang aking gagawin sa araw araw ay mas mapapagod ako dagdagan pa ng mabigat na trapiko.

Dumaan muna kami sa apartment para ibaba ang mga gamit ko. Tuwing weekend ay uuwi ako para dalhin ang aking mga labahan at syempre para bisitahin na rin si Mama.

Pabagsak na umupo si Mama sa maliit na sofa ng one bedroom apartment na ito.

“Wala pa ang ka-dorm mo. Hindi ko na siya mahihintay para magpakilala.” Sambit niya.

“Okay lang po, Ma. Ako na po ang bahala.”

Dalawang magkahiwalay na kama ang naroon sa kwarto. Mamaya na lang siguro namin pag usapan kung saan ako sa dalawang iyon.

“Pagbutihin mo ang pag-aaral, anak ha. Para mapanatili mo ang scholarship. Magiging mabait ka sa makakasama mo dito ha. At dalawin mo naman ako tuwing Sabado at Linggo.” Pinisil ni Mama ang aking mga braso. Kita sa kanyang kumikislap na mata ang lungkot at pangungulila.

“Opo naman, Ma. Gaya po ng napag usapan natin. Tatawag naman po ako kapag hindi ako busy.”

“Paano kung busy ka—?” Binulong niya ito na halos hindi ko na marinig, “-sige na, aalis na ako at ako naman ang malalate sa trabaho.”

Hinatid ko siya sa pintuan ang niyakap sa likod.

“Mag iingat ka, Lauren. I will be waiting for your call, anytime.”

This will be the first time na magiging malayo ako sa kanya. I understand her sorrow. I worry about her, actually. Baka mamaya ay mas lalo lamang siyang umiyak tuwing gabi. Alam kong hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin siya nakakamove on. Masakit pa rin ang mga pangyayari. At ang kinatatakutan ko ay wala ako sa tabi niya ng limang araw kada linggo para samahan siya.

She left while waving at me. I saw a single tear that fell to her cheek and it broke me. I tried to stretch a smile to hide the pain I’m feeling right now.

At ngayon pa lang, namimiss ko na siya.

Nagpatuloy ang aking araw.

Lunch break at magisa akong pumunta ng canteen. Wala pa akong kaibigan at nahihiya pa ako. Bago silang lahat sa akin. Nagmula sa iba’t ibang High School. Yung mga kaibigan ko naman ay malayo sa akin. Either nasa Manila, abroad o sa ibang university.

Magisa akong naupo sa isa sa mga mahahabang mesa. Sinulan nang buklatin ang aking biniling kanin at adobong baboy na ulam. I took out my phone and captured my lunch. I sent the photo to Mama to update her.

Ako:

I’m having my lunch, Mama. Please don’t skip yours.

I waited for her reply since she had already seen my message. Three dots were showing and seconds later, she replied.

Mama:

I will, darling. Just finishing some things. Enjoy your lunch! I miss you!

I had to drop my phone face down on the table when a tray was slammed in front of me. Iniisip ko pa lang kung nakikita ko siya pero ngayon ay nasa harapan ko na. I remember Marco saying that he’s studying at this university. One of the reasons why I really pushed through to pass my scholarship here.

“I knew you were here,” Ivan’s shadow towered over me from the light in the canteen.

“H-hi…” I greeted, almost whispering.

I cannot believe that he actually materialised in front of me.

Holding a two iced coffee.

Ivan slid one of the iced coffees toward me, the condensation dripping onto the canteen table. The cup left a wet ring on the surface, and I stared at it like it held the answers to why he was here— why he was always appearing when I least expected him.

“I want to apologize for last week. We just got really carried away by the conversation. Dad doesn’t want to be interrupted when it comes to business.” He launched a soft laugh that sounds like music to my ears.

“Okay lang!” An awkward laugh came out to my mouth, “naiintindihan ko naman. Tama pala si Marco na dito ka rin nag aaral.”

“You look like you need this more than I do,” he said, taking the seat across from me without waiting for an invitation.

My fingers twitched around my plastic fork. “I—uh, thank you.” Smooth, Lauren. Real smooth.

He smirked, stirring his own drink with a straw. “You’re still stuttering.”

“I’m not—” I cut myself off, realizing I was doing it again. Damn it!

The canteen buzzed around us—students laughing, trays clattering, the occasional shout from someone recognizing a friend across the room. But in this little bubble of ours, the noise faded into static. All I could focus on was the way Ivan’s fingers tapped against his cup, the way his eyes flickered over my untouched food.

“You’re not eating,” he noted.

“I was about to.” I stabbed a piece of adobo with more force than necessary.

“Before I scared you off?”

“You didn’t scare me.” Lie. My pulse was doing couting.

He leaned forward, elbows on the table. “Then why won’t you look at me?”

My traitorous eyes snapped up. Mistake. His gaze was too intense, too knowing. Like he could see right through the walls I’d spent years building.

“There,” he murmured. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

I shoved a bite of rice into my mouth just to keep from saying something stupid.

Silence stretched between us, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Or at least, it wouldn’t have been if my brain wasn’t screaming, WHY IS HE HERE?

Finally, Ivan broke it. “You never told me you were enrolling here.”

“You never asked.”

“True.” He took a sip of his coffee. “But I would’ve remembered if you mentioned it.”

My cheeks burned. What’s that supposed to mean?

Before I could overthink it, a loud voice cut through the air. “Lauren! There you are!”

Wilder? What is he doing here? Is he allowed to enter even if he’s not a student here?

He plopped down beside me, his tray piled high with enough food to feed a small village. “I’ve been looking everywhere for—oh.” His eyes landed on Ivan. “You.”

Ivan raised an eyebrow. “Me.”

I choked on my water.

Ivan didn’t seem fazed. “Wilder, was it? Marco’s friend?”

“The one and only.” Wilder slung an arm around my shoulders. “And Lauren’s friend too. So if you’re bothering her—”

“I’m not,” Ivan said smoothly, but his eyes darkened just a fraction.

Wilder opened his mouth to retort, but I elbowed him. “Stop it. He’s not bothering me.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Wilder muttered, but he dropped it, turning his attention to his mountain of food.

The tension at the table thickened. Ivan’s fingers tightened around his cup. Wilder chewed loudly, deliberately obnoxious. And me? I was stuck between them, wondering how my life had turned into this bizarre love triangle I never signed up for.

Then—

“Lauren.” Ivan’s voice was low, just for me. “Walk with me after this.”

Wilder’s head snapped up. “Excuse me?”

Ivan ignored him, eyes locked on mine. “Five minutes. That’s all.”

I remembered something with that “five minutes”.

My mouth went dry. “I… I have class.”

“Skip it.”

Wilder scoffed. “Real classy, rich boy. Encouraging delinquency.”

Ivan finally looked at him. “Do you ever shut up?”

“Do you ever not act like you own the place?”

I stood up abruptly, my chair screeching against the floor. “I’m going to class.”

Both of them stared at me.

Wilder recovered first. “I’ll walk you.”

“No need.” I grabbed my bag, my half-eaten lunch forgotten. “Go back to your school, Wilder.”

Ivan stood too, but I was already backing away. “Lauren—”

“Thanks for the coffee,” I blurted before turning on my heel and speed-walking out of the canteen.

I f****d up. Again.

I didn’t see Ivan for the rest of the day. Or the next. Or the one after that.

Part of me was relieved. The other part? Annoyingly disappointed.

Wilder, of course, had plenty to say about it.

“He’s trouble,” he declared as we walked to our shared Philosophy class. “The kind of guy who thinks rules don’t apply to him.”

Two weeks later. Wala pa rin siyang paramdam.

Alam kong hindi ko siya dapat inaabangan. Hindi ko rin naman siya textmate. Hindi kami close. Pero sa tuwing dadaan ako sa corridor kung saan siya huling nakita ni Marco, parang automatic na tumitigil ang hakbang ko. Tumitingin. Umaasa. Tapos wala.

Parang hangin. Dumaan. Naramdaman. Pero hindi mahuli.

Wilder has been around more lately. Sobrang kulit niya. Kung hindi lang siya nakakatuwang kasama at kabonding, baka sinigawan ko na siya. Pero nagpapasalamat na rin ako. He filled the silence na dapat si Ivan ang maglalakad sa loob ng buhay ko.

Pero minsan... kahit anong ingay ni Wilder, hindi pa rin matakpan ang katahimikan na iniiwan ni Ivan.

Today was the worst. Or maybe the best? Hindi ko pa alam.

Late ako sa klase. As in tumatakbo na ako sa hallway, habang hawak-hawak ang libro kong hindi ko pa nababasa. First quiz day. And I was practically screwed.

At doon ko siya nakita.

Sa dulo ng hallway, nakasandal sa pader na parang hindi siya late. Parang wala siyang pake. Nakaayos pa rin — messy hair na akala mo pinag-isipan ng limang oras, at hoodie na siguradong hindi galing sa school merch. He looked up from his phone the moment he saw me.

And smiled.

Shit.

Tumigil ako sa pagtakbo. Baka hindi ko na kayanin kapag nilapitan ko pa siya.

Pero hindi ko na kailangang lapitan. Siya na mismo ang lumapit.

“Running late?” he asked, casually falling into step beside me.

My heart did that stupid thing again — ‘yung parang gusto niyang mag-circus sa rib cage ko. I rolled my eyes. “Obvious ba?”

He smirked. “A little. You look like you’re about to cry.”

“I am,” I said honestly.

“Want me to walk you to your classroom?”

“What for? Para lang mas lalong mapansin na late ako kasama mo?”

“I’m a Navarro,” he said, shrugging like that explained everything.

Which, I hate to admit... it kinda does.

But before I could answer, huminto siya. “Wait.”

I turned to him, confused.

Then he reached into his backpack and pulled out... a folded piece of paper?

“What’s that?”

“Quiz reviewer. From the same prof. I took that class last year. Trust me, he doesn’t change anything.”

I stared at the paper like it was some magical scroll from the heavens. “You’re kidding.”

“Do I look like I’m kidding?” he asked, pushing it into my hand.

“Why are you doing this?”

He tilted his head, eyes narrowed like he was figuring me out. “Because I felt bad about ghosting you after the party. And because... you still owe me a walk.”

He stepped closer, eyes locked with mine.

“Five minutes,” he said again. That stupid line. That beautiful, terrible, stupid line.

And then he walked away.