LUSCIOUS VENGEANCE

They said love is the best feeling in the world. They said that if we fall in love and are loved in return, we would be happy, and everything would fall into place. I believed that without question. I believed that my love would be enough to make someone stay. I also believed that if I gave everything, people would eventually learn to love me back. I told myself that love alone would be enough for now. I held onto that belief like it was a promise. No one told me it does not always end like that. Or maybe they did, and I refused to listen. I was too convinced that love alone was enough. I thought that if I married the person I loved, that would be the end of my waiting. I thought I would wake up every day feeling grateful, content, and certain. I thought marrying him meant I had already won. But now I wonder if I only believed what I wanted to believe. Maybe I was the one who chose this. I dug my own hole. Now I am standing in it, looking up, still hoping he would reach for me. “You’re not coming home tonight?” I asked. My voice was careful as I looked at my husband. Why am I asking when I already know the answer? He could not meet my eyes. He never does anymore. I pressed my lips together to keep them steady. “You won’t be emotional about that, right?” he said. His voice was flat and distant. “But…” I mumbled. So this is what I have become to him. A nagging and emotional wife. Someone he needs to leave behind. A coldness settled in my chest. It spread slowly and heavily, like it had always been there. I swallowed hard and forced a small smile. “Of course, I understand… honey,” I said softly, faking my overwhelmed emotion. I told myself to stay calm. I told myself not to shake. I told myself not to break here. I deserve this. I know I do. I was the one who crossed the line first. I held onto him when I had no right to. I took from him something I should not have taken, just because I could not let go of what I felt. I thought that if I stayed long enough and loved him enough, he would choose me completely. I was wrong. Now I am the one being left behind. And still… If he turned around right now and told me to wait, I would. No matter how much it hurts. No matter what I already know.Because even now, even like this, I still love him enough to ruin myself twice. He walked past me after that and the door closed behind him. Yet I stayed. Something inside me did not follow him out. It stayed, quiet and broken, waiting.