Please, Forget me Not

CHAPTER 46

“Zach, w-hat did you say? I think I heard it wrong.”

“I already like someone else, Khryss,” he repeated. I was taken aback.

I gasped silently, my heart breaking intensely inside. Pakiramdam ko ay binawian ako ng lakas at napasalampak sa sahig. Napahawak ako sa aking dibdib at tuluyan nang napahagulgol.

“No, you’re lying. You’re lying, Zach,” paulit-ulit na bulong ko habang patuloy ako sa pag-iling. “You’re lying…”

“I’m not.”

“Hindi ako naniniwala. How can you like her in just two months of being with her?” I looked up at him. I couldn’t see him properly because of the tears pooling in my eyes.

“I think there’s nothing wrong with it.”

“You never fell in love with her before kahit na ilang taon na kayong magkaibigan at palaging magkasama. Paano ako maniniwala na ngayon ay gusto mo siya?”

“I told you that I’m not the same Zach you used to know. Don’t compare my choices to him. I don’t care if the old Zach only sees her as a friend. What matters is that I like her now.” I looked at him while feeling dispirited. I felt as if my heart had been stabbed with a knife. Bawat bitiw niya ng mga salitang iyon ay sumusugat at humihiwa sa puso ko. There was no blood, but the invisible pain was spreading across my heart.

“H-how… how about me?” I asked painfully.

“Just accept that everything is over between us and move on with your life,” aniya na para bang kaya ko ‘yon gawin ng isang gabi lang.

“Ang dali-dali lang para sa’yo kasi wala kang maalala tungkol sa akin! E, paano naman ako? Tandang-tanda ko lahat! Lahat ng pinagsamahan natin. Lahat ng masasasayang alaala at pagmamahal na pinagsaluhan nating dalawa ay sariwa pa sa utak at puso ko.” Tumigil ako sa pagsasalita dahil hindi na ako makahinga nang maayos dahil sa labis na pag-iyak.

“Hindi mo alam kung gaano na ako nahihirapan at nasasaktan. Pagod na pagod na akong umiyak. Gustong-gusto ko nang sumuko kasi durog na durog na ako. Pero tinitiis ko pa rin lahat. Alam mo ba kung bakit hindi pa rin kita sinusukuan? Kasi naniniwala ako na babalik pa ang mga alaala mo. Gusto ko ‘pag dumating ang araw na ‘yon ay nasa tabi mo pa rin ako. Kasi sigurado akong ako agad ang hahanapin mo.”

“It’s been months since I last saw something from my past. Huwag ka nang umaasa na babalik pa ang mga alaala ko. Mukhang malabo nang mangyari ‘yon.”

“Are you giving up on getting your memories back? Don’t you think it’s still too early for that?”

He shook his head. “No, I’m not. I just can’t wait for something that is uncertain anymore. I don't want my life to get stuck any longer. I need to move forward.”

“And you decided to move forward without me? Ganoon na lang ba ‘yon? You’re just going to throw our love away?” I asked bitterly.

“I told you I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I shivered at the coldness of his voice.

“Zach!” I screamed, frustrated.

“Khyrss! Why are you on the ground?” napalingon ako at nakita ko si Frea na tumatakbo papalapit sa akin. Sa likod niya ay si Aly na mukhang kanina pang balisa. Siguro ay dahil sa paghahanap sa akin. I forgot to inform him when I got home.

“Oh, my God, what happened? Why are you crying, huh?” nag-aalalang tanong ni Frea nang makalapit sa akin. She cupped my tear-stained face and pushed back the hair on my face.

I shut my eyes tightly and shook my head.

“Zach?” baling niya rito nang hindi ako sumagot.

“Franzyn, bring Sariah back to their house. I’m going to talk to my brother.” I could sense the anger in Aly’s voice when he said that after helping me stand back on my feet.

“No, Aly…” Umiling ako sa kaniya. I won’t leave them alone. Baka mag-away sila.

“Just go, Sariah!” Halos mapaatras ako nang sigawan niya ako. Napaawang ang bibig ko sa gulat dahil ngayon niya lang ako sinigawan nang ganoon.

“Let’s go, Khyrss.” I was too stunned to even resist when Frea pulled me away from them. Tahimik at diresto lang ang tingin ko habang hinihila niya ako.

“Don't overthink it. I’m sure Algid didn’t mean to yell at you. Naghalo-halo lang ang emosyon niya.” Frea explained when we reached my house as she made me sit on the couch in the living room. Umalis siya saglit at pagbalik niya ay may dala na siyang isang basong tubig.

“Here, drink this.” Tinanggap ko ‘yon at ininom dahil ramdam ko ang panunuyo ng lalamunan ko.

“Why did you leave the bar without telling us? Algid almost went crazy looking for you. Alalang-alala kami na baka may nangyari nang masama sa’yo. Kung hindi pa nag-text si Dreiden na inihatid ka na niya ay hindi pa namin malalaman na umuwi ka na pala,” she said after sitting beside me.

“I’m sorry for making you worry…”

She sighed. “It’s fine. Just don’t do that again.” Hindi ako sumagot at nakatulala lang ako sa basong hawak ko. My mind is preoccupied with what happened a while ago.

“Khyrss…” Pag-agaw niya sa atensiyon ko. “I heard you screaming from the gate. Ano’ng nangyari sa inyo ni Zach? Why are you on the ground and crying helplessly?” I bit my lip as lumps started to form in my throat again.

“He likes Vesinica.”

“What?” I turned to face her.

“Zach likes Vesinica,” pag-uulit ko at nagsimula na namang pumatak ang mga luha sa aking mga mata. I could see the sympathy in her eyes before pulling me in a hug. “What should I do, Frea? I can’t lose him. Hindi ko kakayanin ‘pag tuluyan siyang nawala sa akin.”

“You have done everything, Khy. Wala na tayong magagawa kung may iba na siyang gusto. This time you don’t have to do anything but let time do its thing. Just rest and breathe.”

Akala ko ang gabing ‘yon na ang pinakamasakit na mararanasan ko pero simula pa lang pala ‘yon. Wala pa pala ‘yon kumpara sa mga susunod pang mga araw. Simula kasi noong gabing ‘yon ay mas naging malapit pa sila sa isa’t isa. Kahit sila tita ay nahahalata na rin ang espesyal na pagtrato ni Zach kay Vesinica.

Hanggang sa nangyari na nga ang kinatatakutan ko.

One day, while we are eating dinner to celebrate Aly from sealing a deal with foreign investors, we all fell silent when Zach and Vesinica entered the kitchen hand in hand. Binitawan ko ang hawak kong kubyertos at mabilis na pinalis ang mga luhang kumawala sa aking mga mata. I can almost feel my heart ripping apart while staring at their hands as they made their way toward us.

Nakita ko pa kung paano subukan ni Vesinica na kalasin ‘yon pero hindi nagpapatinag si Zach at mas hinigpitan ang kapit sa kamay niya. Ano ang ibig sabihin no’n? Bakit magkahawak ang kamay nila?

“Why are you holding each other’s hand?” Tita asked, voicing out my thoughts.

“Vesinica is now my girlfriend, Mom.” Para akong nabingi sa narinig ko. An unbearable wave of despair slammed into me. Mula sa kamay nilang magkahawak ay inangat ko ang tingin ko sa mukha niya. He was smiling at his mother. Halatang-halata sa kaniya ang saya. Napangisi ako nang mapait.

I want to yell in front of his face that I’m just here. How can he say that blatantly in front of me? Hindi man niya ako naaalala pero alam kong may ideya siya kung sino ako sa buhay niya. Alam kong alam niyang masasaktan ako roon. Why is he so insensitive? Nananadya ba siya?

I bit my lips to stop myself from crying again. Sobrang liwanang na ng lahat sa akin. Mas maliwanag pa sa sikat ng araw. Zach didn’t care at all because he doesn’t love me anymore.

Kitang-kita ko sa gilid ng mga mata ko ang paglingon sa akin nina tito at tita, pati rin si Frea at Aly nang umupo na silang dalawa sa tapat ko para saluhan kami. Walang nagsasalita sa kanila, pinapakiramdaman siguro ako.

I need to get out of here before I lose control and before the emotions I'm bottling up inside explode. Nilunok ko ang namumuong kung ano sa lalamunan ko at huminga nang malalim bago nagsalita. Despite the difficulty of talking, I still managed to speak.

“Thank you for the delicious dinner, Tita. And congrats again, Aly. You did great.” I patted his back before I stood up. “Please, excuse me.”

I blinked the tears in my eyes and forced my feet to leave. Turning my back at them, I slowly began to walk away as the tears made their way down my cheeks. Pinalis ko 'yon at sa mas nagmamadaling kilos ay naglakad ako palabas ng kusina at hindi na sila nilingon pa.

I sank onto the edge of the bed upon reaching my room, letting the sobs that I’ve trying to hold wrack my body, my shoulders shaking as the pain and hopelessness crashed into me all over again.

I kept telling myself that things would get better. That it would get easier. That I just had to give time and everything will fall back into places again. Pero bakit ganoon? Bakit habang tumatagal ay mukhang hindi naman doon patungo ang lahat?

Stubborn tears fell down my cheeks no matter how I pushed them away. The pain won’t fade. It feels like it’s here to stay forever in my heart.

Nothing's more painful than realizing that he's slowly fading, that in every minute–I’m slowly losing a grip of him and without a blink of an eye, he's just… gone.

Waking up everyday was like a torture for me. Pakiramdam ko ay gumigising lang ako para subaybayang mabuo ang kanilang istorya. Sobrang sakit isipin na ‘yong mga dating ginagawa niya sa akin ay kay Vesinica na niya ginagawa. Na hindi na ako ang dahilan ng bawat ngiti niya. Hindi na ako ang gusto niyang makasama palagi. Hindi na ako ang iniisip niya bago siya matulog at ang hinahanap niya paggising niya sa umaga. Seeing Zach slowly falling for someone else right before my eyes is tearing me to pieces. And I can’t do anything about it but cry in silence wishing that it was only a nightmare.

It was becoming increasingly difficult to get through each day. Wake up. Cry. Sleep. Doon na lang umikot ang buhay ko sa mga sumunod pang mga buwan. His injuries were all healed but there’s still no signs of him getting his memories back. At sa bawat araw na lumilipas ay unti-unti na akong nawawalan ng pag-asa na maaalala niya pa ako.

Vesinica already went back to Canada after Zach recovered from his leg injury a few months ago. Paminsan-minsan ay binibisita niya si Zach dito pero madalas ay si Zach ang pumupunta sa kaniya ‘pag wala siyang gaanong trabaho.

Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin nagsi-sink in na hindi na ako parte ng buhay ni Zach. I can’t help but feel envious because Zach was able to catch up with his life after what happened to him while I’m still stuck on something from years ago. Our memories keep haunting me. Gustuhin ko mang ipagpatuloy ulit ang buhay ko pero hindi ko alam kung paano at saan ako magsisimula.

He was my life and without him, I am nothing. I don’t even know how I got this far. I guess this life without him is still survivable… but not worth living. This feels like drowning, but I don’t f*cking die.

I was in the bar area of my family’s house, drinking my father’s scotch collection while staring at my engagement ring that I never pulled out of my finger. Natawa ako nang mapakla habang nakatitig doon. Mukhang malabo na kasing masundan iyon ng wedding ring.

I heaved out a long heavy sigh before sipping on my scotch again. I’m alone, celebrating our supposed first wedding anniversary. Isang taon na pala ang lumipas noong nagising si Zach mula sa pagiging coma. Isang taon na ring patay ang puso ko. I sighed again. It’s been one hell of a year.

I can’t help wondering about what could have been if that accident didn’t happen. We would have been married by now. Maybe we also have a child now, if not we may be expecting, or maybe we followed our plan of not having a baby right away.

Thinking about them, I can’t help but cry again. I hate that I’m still hurting. I hate that my heart is still breaking. I hate that there are still tears in my eyes. I hate that I can still remember vividly all of the memories we shared together. I hate that even up to this point, I still don’t want to move on because my wounded heart is still waiting for him.

Is there ever a way to stop a feeling? God, I want to be numb. I don’t want to feel anymore.

It hurts when the person who gave you memorable memories becomes a memory. And my case hurts more because he became a memory without having memories of us.

But even still, I do not want to forget him no matter how devastated he made me become. I just want the pain to be more bearable.