Kabanata 31
444 Words
Blue, 'wag kang lumabas sa kwarto mo, at mamaya pa ay darating na ang mga bisita ko.” Hindi ko pinansin ang bilin ni mama. Instead, I covered my face with my blanket and as soon as I heard the door shut, dahan-dahan kong binaba ang kumot mula sa mukha ko. Napaupo na lang ako at napasandal sa head board ng kama ko. Sanay na ako sa kaniya.
My mother...she's always been distant to me. I didn't understand why and I really did try my best to get on her better side. Hindi maganda ang trato ng mama at ate ko sa akin. Ang kakampi ko lamang sa bahay ay ang papa ko. He passed away six months ago. Simula noon ay hindi na ako lumalabas ng kwarto...wala na kasi si papa. The person I trusted the most and certainly—loved me the most in this household is gone.
My dad was everything for me. He's the one I idolizes. He was a brave, intelligent, kind, and a wise man. Aside from that, he accepts me for who I am. Nong nawala siya ay nawalan ako ng kakampi. Nang kaisa-isahang kaibigan. My sister who's forty just acts civil with me. My mom? she despises me for who I am. Ikinakahiya niya ako. Alam ko naman kung bakit, pero sa tingin ko ay hindi naman ito sapat na rason. It has to be something more.
Pinagsawalang bahala ko na lang ito. Ngunit hindi ko lang matanggap na may ina pa lang walang pakialam sa anak. Yes, she gives me the things I needed to live. But not everything. She doesn't give me love and affection. I've always been the son who never disobeyed my mom. I did everything to please her. I always tried reaching out to her. Hoping that with the things I do, she'd be happy and would finally love me. But it didn't work. She still didn't see my worth. She still doesn't see my longing.
I didn't know what was up with me but I felt a rush of self-acceptance...or perhaps I'm just being a rebel—for the first time. Pagod na ako. Pagod na akong manglimos ng panahon at oras niya. Pagod na akong manglimos ng pagmamahal.
And I didn't know why it took me years to finally accept the fact that the first woman that I love would never love me back. The day of finally letting go with my stupidity has come.It is today. I want to do something different. Iyong malayong-malayo sa nakagawian kong gawin. Or should I say, I want to be different. I want to feel my freedom. I don't want to hide.
- Writer
