Dusk Kisses

PROLOGUE

December 2015

"Stacey" I called my secretary.

Pumunta agad siya sa akin kahit na busy siya sa ginagawa niya.

"Yes, madam?" Bungad niya nang pumasok siya sa office ko.

"Clear my schedule for today," she immediately swiped something on her iPad, the one that I lent her.

"Already did, madam" she confidently stated.

"Do we have something much more important, madam?" she asked me, i wanted to snap at her.

"yes. and that's me. i need to rest." i sarcastically replied. obviously I'm not in the mood, napagod lang ako sa sobrang daming ginawa ko. My gosh, i remembered that these workloads are the main reason why I am here. Iniwan sa 'kin 'yung kumpanya kung kailan ganito na...

"go unwind, rest, get drunk or whatever. just... just go" i tried my best to not sound irritated but i guess it can be really traced from my voice no matter how hard i hide it. Sino ba namang hindi maiirita sa ganitong sitwasyon? 'yung sa sobrang pagod hindi na makapag isip ng maayos?

like a sulking kid, Tumayo na 'ko mula sa kinauupuan ko. kinuha ko muna 'yung coat ko bago dumiretso palabas. it's kinda cold dahil magpapasko na, i could see christmas decorations every where--in every corner of the city street.

I took my phone out from my side pocket and dialed my sister's number.

"Where are you?" I curiously asked. i looked at both sides of the road before crossing it, sa sobrang lamig sinilid ko na lang 'yung isa kong kamay sa bulsa ng coat.

[Nag aaral, bakit? Yayain mo nanaman ba akong uminom? tangina kada magkikita na lang tayo napapainom ako, e. ikaw ba magbabayad ng bills ko kapag na alcohol poisoned ako?] I heard her very sarcastic tone.

"God, when will you ever stop being so kuripot?"

[kapag uugod-ugod na 'ko] she joked, kahit talaga sa anong usapan nasisingit niya 'yung pagiging corny niya.

"ay hindi pa ba?"

[hoy ang sama mo! tandaan mo ako nag-alaga at nag-aruga sa 'yo nung mga panahong---]

"oh please, shut up" i just did nothing but to roll my eyes while reminiscing how stupid i was before. nakakatawa lang din.

"By the way, are you free tonight? i just wanted to have fun with you, you know naman busy si Kenzo"

[gano'n? ako na lang yayayain mo kapag ayaw ni Kenzo? choice mo lang ako pag wala ka nang mahatak? Ang kapal ng mukha mo, all those times--- i hate you! ginaganyan ganiyan mo lang ate mo! and, no! busy ako, nag-aaral, shupi! isa kang masamang ehemplo] she acted so far from her age. tumatanda yatang paurong. the place i was heading to isn't far from the building kaya agad rin akong nakarating doon. just when i pushed the door to invade the diner, I smelled all the food i have been craving for. grabe, i missed this place.

I've been on a diet kasi, I didn't dare to go against the rule and throw all the hardwork i did to achieve this figure so i really restrained myself and stuck with the meal plan.

"di ka ba nagsasawang mag aral diyan?" i raised my hand to call the waiter.

I put the phone in between my ear and shoulder so I'd have no difficulty while fixing my things before putting down my bag on the chair beside me.

[Pag nag sawa ba ako, may choice ako?] I sighed. Nakangiting binigay sa 'kin ng waiter 'yung menu, but for some reason, i got intimidated by the way he looks at me. Kahit alam ko naman na maganda ako, hindi pa rin ako sanay sa dami ng taong tumitingin sa'kin--- i mean tumititig.

I don't know how to comfort her, tama siya. Kahit magsawa siya wala pa rin siyang choice kung hindi ang tapusin ang pag aaral niya. I wouldn't be surprised if she'll grow old alone, without a husband.

she drove that subject away at sinimulang magkwento tungkol sa pag dissect nila ng kung ano-ano. at first she describes it like it's the whole universe laying on something called mortuary bed. it sounds like death but she seemed to have had fun. tapos nung tumagal nagpaalam muna siya sa 'kin na mag ccr lang siya, i didn't hear her walking so i figured that she might have left her phone somewhere. wherever that may be, rinig ko pa rin mula roon 'yung tunog ng pagsusuka niya sa cr.

sandali lang 'yon kaya pinagpatuloy niya nanamang magkwento.

I called the attention of the waiter again then I pointed to the mushroom goat cheese pasta and iced tea. I gave him a timid smile before giving back the menu.

"L-lauri? Lauri selene?" A woman with a baby approached me. I had the urge to run away and just pretend that I didn't hear her but my body was stiffened by the sight of her.

suddenly... everything came back. [huy, nakikinig ka ba sa 'kin?]

"I... I-i gotta go, something came up" i hung up.

Every little piece of the bitter past all came back to my system. dati, akala ko handa na 'ko. I thought I'd already moved on. I thought, the day when I could throw a look at them---in their eyes and feel nothing already came. but i failed. Kahit ako, disappointed sa sarili ko.

there's this pinching feeling in my chest when she took another step closer, then another one, para akong sinasakal--pinagkakaitan ng hangin. I feel so suffocated knowing that we're inhaling the same damn air. my chest felt so tight, i almost grasped but i didn't let myself look stupid so i calmly held it all in.

I was internally screaming, I don't have any idea what she's doing here! I was exceptionally taken aback when I learned she's standing right in front of me now.

How long have I been inattentive?!

after a year of avoiding... wala rin pala akong napala.

i composed myself, alam ko ng hanggang ngayon apektado pa rin ako pero may pride pa naman ako. i decided to not let her see my initial reaction.

"Hi..." she smiled so wide, it felt as if she's been looking forward to this day. i exerted a fcking lot of effort to stop myself from rolling my eyes. oo may sama ako ng loob sa kaniya pero kung kaya ko pa naman siyang plastikin, 'yun na lang ang gagawin ko. "long time no see" inayos niya ang pagkakabuhat sa bata. Labag man sa loob ko, inalok ko pa rin siyang umupo sa harap ko.

I look around to see if she's with someone I expected. I sighed subtly in relief when I noticed that she's alone with the... baby.

much better.

She asked for a high chair. Nakakatuwang hindi man matamis ang pagtingin ko sa bata ay nginingitian pa rin ako nito, causing my furrowed brows to fade.

"B-baby mo?" I can't help but to point it out, she was pregnant when I last saw her. Bakit ko pa nga ba tinanong?

She glanced at the baby then turned her sight to me. She smiled as she nodded. Binigay niya na sa waiter ang order niya. Kasal na rin sana ako ngayon, genuinely happy with our 3 kids. two boys and one girl. That was what we planned. was.

I can't help but to overthink, hindi ko mahanap 'yung features na hinahanap ko sa mukha ng bata. Hindi niya kamukha 'yung babaeng nasa harap ko, pero hindi niya rin kamukha 'yung inaassume ko na tatay niya, But, some features were strangely very... familiar, actually she resembles with someone i think i know, nakakainis dahil alam kong napaka pamilyar pero hindi ko matukoy kung sino.

the baby smiled at me, couldn't help but to smile, too. hindi ko masisisi 'yug sarili ko, she's too adorable and hard to resist. tsaka wala naman siyang kasalanan sa problema naming matatanda. hindi dapat siya madamay. "Hanna" napatingin siya agad. Ngumiti pa ako nang bahagya para lang hindi niya isiping sinusungitan ko siya at para na rin hindi siya mailang. i hope the affiliative smile could conceal all of the unwanted feelings.

"What's her name?" referring to the baby.

Hindi mapagkakailang mahal na mahal niya ang bata dahil sa tuwing tumitingin siya dito ay abot langit ang kaniyang ngiti. Ultimo ang mga mata nga'y kumikislap

"Hi! My name is Keisha!" Si Hanna ang nagsalita para sa anak habang nilalaro ang maliit nitong kaliwang kamay.

God knows how badly I wanted to hear this baby's surname, but I don't want myself to end up in a situation where I could barely breathe because of sobbing nonstop.

"Vacation?" I bluntly asked Hanna, still trying my best to show at least an ounce of smile

"I wish," she chuckled, "I'm studying law here... my Mom sent me." She was caressing Keisha's short hair. "alam mo naman how fast any news could spread in the industry i was working at before."

"the world... it's too harsh for her... since the day she came, wala na 'kong ibang inisip kundi siya" i looked down playing with my fingers, i was lost for words. hindi ko pa naiintindihan 'yung way ng pag-aalaga niya sa anak niya. probably because wala pa 'kong anak o baka dahil hindi ko naramdaman 'yung gano'ng tinutukoy niya.

"Mommy's little angel came, yey~" I can literally see how much she loves her daughter. Bigla na lang namasa ang mata ko nang maisip kung ganito rin ba ako kasaya kung pinili 'kong...

No, we're not going back there, Lauri. Napailing ako nang marahan, iyong ako lang ang makakaalam. Tama na Lauri, you shouldn't regret about it. You did the best decision you have ever made. Tamang... pinili mo 'yung sarili mo.

"Ikaw?" She sipped on her drink "Paano mo natiis na manatili rito? Hindi ba't nasa Manila 'yung buhay mo?"

"I mean, don't get me wrong, ha" napansin kong lumunok siya while she was thinking. "If I were on your shoes? Babalik at babalik ako sa Pilipinas. Not just because nasanay na ako sa kinalakihan ko but because nothing feels like home, at doon ako masaya at komportable"

"Kaso hindi" I answered as I pinned my eyes to her. "Hindi ka ako. mahirap malayo sa pamilya? nah, i can't use that as an excuse." umiiling iling akong nagsalita. i know i sounded so bitter, alam ko rin na hindi niya intensyong gawing ganito ang atmosphere pero wala na siyang magagawa dahil ito na ang gusto kong sabihin.

"It has been a long time, ah?" Pag iiba niya ng usapan.

"Isang taon pa lang" matamlay kong ani.

"they miss you. they found out that I'm in the same state as you are, nakita nila sa news. They asked me, kung nakita na raw ba kita. Lauri, there was hope in their eyes, especially Ken---" I loudly put my fork down. I was already on the verge of crying.

one name, just one. it only took one name to make the wounds feel fresh. to make them bleed. ang tagal na, e. ang tagal kong tiniis pero bakit nandito pa rin? bakit masakit pa rin? they lied when they said time heals all wounds. if that was true, bakit sa sobrang sakit, pakiramdam ko parang kahapon lang lahat?

bakit kung ano pa 'yung gustong gusto kong kalimutan, 'yun pa 'yung araw-araw kong naaalala?

for pete's sake, nagmahal lang ako pero putcha, bakit ganito? bakit ang sakit?

"he's... still waiting" that's when i lost it. my lips were trembling as I trail my eyes back to her with a tear cascading down my cheeks. I tried. God, I tried not to cry. and I'm still fcking trying to hold it for a little longer.

"Bakit pa?" I was stopping my self to raise my voice, nakakahiyang makaagaw ng atensyon. i admit it, there's a part of me that's waiting for her answer pero ngayon pa ba ako magiging marupok kung kinaya ko nga ng isang taon? "no, don't answer it. I don't want to hear anything about him." my teeth gritted. i was so mad, i can't even remember why i let her join me.

Her mouth was partially opened, it seems like she's hesitating to tell me something. "He's... been s-suffering from a h-heart... problem," she paused, then took a very deep breath as my breathing... Has stopped. "Lauri, he signed the DNR... he knows his time will eventually come... and he wants to see you... for the last time" she sent shivers down my spine. pakiramdam ko namanhid 'yung buong katawan ko... na para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. nagyeyelo.

I stood up, "n-no.." the only thing I uttered. I wanted to shout at her. to tell her that she's lying. pero hindi ko alam kung paano... my knees weakened.