Chasing Light (Intersex)

Chapter 2

Kabanata 2

The scent of freshly brewed coffee filled the air, a welcome aroma after a long week of work in the fields. I stretched, feeling the stiffness in my muscles from yesterday's harvest, and padded to the kitchen, the aroma of coffee already tantalizing my senses. Nanay was humming a tune as she poured two cups of coffee, one for her and one for Kuya Lito, who was just emerging from his room, looking sleepy-eyed and disheveled.

"Maayong buntag po Nay," I said, taking a sip of my coffee.

"Maayong buntag pud, anak," Nanay replied, her smile warm and welcoming. "Sayo ka man gud nagmata?" (Ang aga mo ata?)

"Lagi naman po akong maaga nagigising," I said. "Gusto ko po kasi masulit ang araw."

Tatay walked in, holding his prized rooster, his face alight with a quiet pride. "Oh, nak, ang aga mo ata," he said, glancing at me.

"Good morning, Tay," I replied, taking another sip of my coffee.

Tatay just nodded, his attention fully on his rooster. He loved that rooster more than anything.

"Anak, kape ka muna," Nanay offered to Kuya Lito.

"Naks, si Kuya Lito ginahimo nga katabang si Nanay," (Naks, si kuya Lito ginawang katulong si nanay)

I teased, my voice dripping with playful sarcasm.

"Inggit ka lang, gusto mo patimpla ka pud," Kuya countered, his voice laced with amusement.

"No, thanks, kaya ko sarili ko. Huwag mo ako igaya sayo," I retorted.

"Simpleng pagtimpla ng kape 'di magawa, tsk, mga lalaki nga naman,"

"Nay, oh!" Kuya Lito whined, pouting at Nanay.

I couldn't help but laugh. Kuya Lito looked so ridiculous, his face all scrunched up in a pout.

"Hindi mo bagay Kuya, mukha kang patong nakanguso," I said, my laughter bubbling over.

"Ang sayo man gud naririnig ko kamo sa gawas, nag-away na pud kamo." (Ang aga-aga naririnig ko kayong nag-aaway diyan sa labas.)

Dun sa kusina may kutsilyo ro'n," Matigas na sabi ni tatay na may halong biro.

"Ano ka ba naman, ganyan naman talaga 'yan, 'di ka na nasanay," pananaway ni nanay kay tatay.

"Diba dapat line ni Nanay 'yan, Tay?" I asked, my voice tinged with playful sarcasm.

"Isa ka pang bata ka, kanina si Kuya ko tapos karon ako naman," Nanay said, shaking her head.

"Ganyan talaga lambingan namin Nay, diba Jayjay?" Kuya asked, ruffling my hair with a mischievous grin.

I glared at him and smoothed down my hair. Just then, a familiar voice called out from outside.

"Hoy, Jayjay, yuhooo!!" It was Miguel, bigla nalang pasok sa bahay.

"Bakit kaba nasigaw, ang aga aga"

"Manliligaw mo, Jayjay?" tanong ni kuya na nang-aasar.

I threw my slipper at him, but he just laughed.

"Kaibigan ko 'yan Kuya, anong pinagsasabi mong manliligaw ko, hindi kami talo. Ano 'yan, mag-espadahan kami ng ano?"

I said, my voice tinged with exasperation.

They all knew I was intersex. When Nanay brought me home, she changed my clothes.I thought they would be disgusted, but they accepted me. I was so lucky to have them.

"Jayjay!!" Miguel called again, his voice echoing through the house.

He even walked inside, grabbing a sweet potato from the table. He had no shame, I swear. Where did he get that thick skin?

"Hoy, ang sayo man gud mambulabog sa balay Miguelito,"(Ang aga-aga mo namang mambulabog sa bahay, Miguelito.) I said, trying to sound annoyed.

"Kilabutan ka nga, pwede naman Migs nalang, nandidiri ako sa pangalan kong 'yan. Don't say bad words, Jayjay!" naiinis na sabi nito.

I was starting to think he was a little gay. Humihina na yata gay dar ko.

I couldn't really tell if he was gay or not. He had a big body, a mustache, and he was handsome. He was dark-skinned. I just appreciated his handsomeness, okay!

"Bakit ka nga pala nandito, Miguelito?" I teased, knowing he hated being called Miguelito.

"Kasama mo pala si Bea. Buti pa si Bea may hiya, ikaw wala ka nang pag-asa,"

"Hindi ka pa nasanay kay Migs," ikalmadong sabi ni Bea.

"Kaya kami nandito Jayjay kasi may maganda kaming balita sayo," Miguel said, his voice now serious.

"Siguraduhin mo lang na magandang balita 'yan kung hindi ay makakalayas ka na sa pamamahay ko," I warned, my voice playful, but with a hint of seriousness.

"Hoy, ang kapal ng mukha mo, kung maka-angkin ka naman ng bahay, akala mo sayo," Miguel retorted, his voice laced with mock indignation.

I loved teasing him, he was such a good sport.

"So what's the good news ba?" I asked, my curiosity piqued.

Bea and Miguel exchanged a knowing glance, their smiles widening.

"Remember mo ba 'yong sabi namin na kami bahala sayo na maghahanap sa online ng University na papasukan mo?" Bea asked.

"Oo, may nahanap na kayo?" I asked, my heart pounding with anticipation.

"Oo, teh, ang kaso ngalang..." Bea said, her voice trailing off.

"Kaso ngalang ano? Nambibitin pa, hindi nalang sabihin agad," I said, my impatience growing.

"Kaso bukas na agad ang entrance exam," Miguel said, his voice filled with excitement.

"Ang bilis naman? Bukas na agad? Agad agad?" I exclaimed, my eyes widening in surprise.

"Oo," Bea said, her voice filled with excitement.

"Yes," Miguel echoed, his voice echoing her sentiment.

"Huwag mo ng sayangin 'yong opportunity, minsan lang 'to at isa pa sikat na University sa Pilipinas!" Miguel said, his voice filled with enthusiasm.

"Pangarap ko nga mag-aral sa University na 'yon kaso hindi nalang, tutulong nalang ako kay Tita sa palengke," Bea said, her voice tinged with sadness.

"Ikaw Miguelito, hindi ka ba sasama sa'kin bukas?" I asked, my voice filled with playful curiosity.

"Hindi na, kawawa naman 'tong si Bea kapag iniwan ko at may trabaho ako," Miguel said, his voice laced with mock concern.

"Yuck, mahiya ka nga Miggs. Hindi tayo talo! Kung si Jaycee pa baka pumayag ako," Bea retorted, her voice filled with playful indignation.

"Ang choosy mo, ako na 'to ayaw mo pa. Kumbaga sa palay, manok na ang lumalapit!" Miguel said, his voice filled with mock exasperation.

"Kayong dalawa, pag-untugin ko kaya kayo," I said, my voice laced with mock threat.

"Bea, nandito Kuya ko, reto kita, gusto mo?" I teased, my voice filled with playful mischief.

Bea blushed, her cheeks turning a rosy pink.

"Ano ka ba Jayjay, 'wag ka nga," she said, pushing me playfully. She was so pabebe.

As far as I knew, she had a crush on Kuya Lito. She was always at the house, looking for him, even bringing him food. I wasn't sure if Kuya noticed. He was so clueless.

"Anak, anong plano mo? Alam mo kung gusto mong tuparin ang pangarap mo hindi ka namin hahadlangan, at isa, malay mo ang pag-aaral mo ang makatulong sayo na mabalik ang mga ala-ala mo," Tatay said, his voice filled with concern and encouragement.

"Kaya nga Jayjay, maraming chikababes do'n," Kuya said, his voice laced with mischief, his eyebrows raised suggestively.

"Si Kuya talaga! Mag-aaral ako ro'n at hindi maghahanap ng babae!" I said, my voice firm, though in my mind. I was thinking, "Maybe I can find both."

"Sus, kunwari ka pa Jayjay, alam na alam na kita, basta babae mabilis ka," Kuya said, his voice filled with amusement.

"Tay, oh si Kuya!" I complained to Tatay, knowing he would always be my ally.

They all laughed, their laughter echoing through the house. You couldn't tell that they were actually enjoying teasing me.

"Jayjay," Miguel said, his voice serious.

"Yes, aking Miguelito?" I asked, my voice laced with playful sarcasm.

"Diba balak mong mag-nursing?" he asked, his voice filled with genuine concern.

"Oo, kung papalarin," I said, my voice filled with hope.

"May kilala kasi ako graduate na sa nursing, hihiramin ko mga libro niya tapos bigay ko sayo," Miguel said, his voice filled with sincerity.

"Tila nagbago yata ang ihip ng panahon at naging mabait ka?" I asked, my voice filled with playful skepticism.

"Huwag ka nang maraming sinasabi, mamaya babalik ako rito bibigay ko sayo 'yong mga libro," he said, his voice firm.

I hugged him, surprising him. He pushed me away, his face flushed.

"Nagpapasalamat lang 'yong tao, ang arte mo naman," I said, my voice filled with playful amusement.

"Siya nga pala, aalis na pala ako at tutulong pa ako kay Tita sa palengke,"

Bea said, her voice filled with a mix of excitement and sadness.

"Sige, ingat ka ha," I said, my voice filled with concern.

"Ako rin Jayjay, may trabaho pa pala ako," Miguel said, his voice filled with a sense of duty.

"Ingat sila sayo," I teased.

"Ewan ko sayo, basta mamaya hahatid ko sayo 'yong mga libro," Miguel said, his voice filled with determination.

"Ingat kayo mga anak," Nanay said, her voice filled with love and concern.

"Opo, Nay, salamat po sa kamote," Bea and Miguel said in unison, their voices filled with gratitude.They had practically eaten all the sweet potatoes.

****

Sunday nga pala ngayon, may simba kaming magpapamilya ngayon, nawili akong makipagkwentuhan sakanila.

I'm standing in front of the mirror in my room, looking at myself.

Nakabihis na pala ako and for my top, I'm wearing a white button-down shirt layered with a beige knitted V-neck vest, for my bottom naman, I'm wearing beige chino pants and white Converse sneakers at pangghuli nagsuot din ako ng salamin.

Lahat nga pala ng suot ko ay galing sa tiangge. Everytime na may tianggehan dito sa'min ay bumibili ako kapag may maganda akong nakita.

"Hays, ang poganda ko talaga," I said to myself, admiring my reflection. My outfit was definitely masc, especially with my wolf cut.

"Hoy, Jayjay," a voice called out from behind me.

"Ay anak ka ng nanay mo!" I exclaimed, my voice filled with surprise.

"Malamang!" Kuya Lito said, his voice filled with amusement.

"Kuya naman, bakit ka ba nanggugulat at bigla nalang sumusulpot!?" I said, my voice laced with annoyance.

"Tara na aalis na tayo para magsimba, ikaw nalang hinihintay namin. Kaya pala ang tagal mo, kinakausap mo na naman sarili mo. Saka anong suot mo, may ka date ka ba pagkatapos magsimba?" Kuya Lito teased, his voice filled with playful mischief.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Wala Kuya, paki mo ba sa suot ko!" I said, my voice filled with a mix of annoyance and amusement.

"Chill, chill, inaasar lang kita," he said, his voice filled with laughter.

"Ewan ko sayo Kuya, tara na nga!" I said, my voice filled with resignation.

Sumakay lang kami sa tricycle ni tatay, the familiar rumble of the engine a comforting sound. It was only a few minutes to the church.

We walked into the church, but stopped at the entrance.

"Kumare at kumpare, kumusta na?" A woman greeted Tatay and Nanay, her voice filled with a mix of friendliness and curiosity.

"Ito na ba si Lito? Aba'y ang pogi at laki mo na Lito!" she exclaimed, her eyes sparkling with admiration.

Kuya Lito just smiled politely. "Salamat po," he said, his voice soft and polite.

"Ang plastik naman niyan at mukhang may ugali rin," I whispered to Kuya, my voice laced with sarcasm. Kuya just nodded in agreement.

"Haayaan mo na at huwag na nating pansinin, wala naman tayong mapapala," Kuya whispered back, his voice filled with a sense of resignation.

"Sino 'tong kasama niyo? Bakit ganyan ang suot, aba'y magsisimba tayo at hindi gagala ineng," the woman said, her voice laced with disapproval.

"Ano ka ba Berta, anak ko 'yan, 'wag mo naman pagsalitaan ng ganyan," Nanay said, her voice filled with a mix of annoyance and protectiveness.

"Tara na sa loob at magsisimula na ang misa," Tatay said, his voice filled with a sense of urgency.

"Sabi na may ugali rin. Nagsisimba pero ganyan ugali," I whispered, my voice filled with a mix of annoyance and amusement.

"Jayjay, huwag mo nalang pansinin 'yon, kilalang chismosa 'yan dito sa lugar natin. Hindi na bago na ganyan ang ugali niyan," Kuya said, pulling me inside the church.

We sat in the last row, the only empty seats left.

I saw the woman, Berta, sitting in the pew across from us. As Father began his sermon, she was whispering to the person next to her, who I assumed was also a gossip.

These gossips, they had no boundaries!

I ignored them and focused on Father's sermon.

"Ang ating mga alaala, kahit na nawala, ay hindi nagtatanggal sa ating pagkatao. Tulad ng isang tela na hinabi ng iba't ibang sinulid, ang ating buhay ay binubuo ng mga karanasan, mga relasyon, at mga alaala. Kahit na nawala ang ilang sinulid, ang tela ay nagtataglay pa rin ng kagandahan at kahulugan," Father said, his voice filled with wisdom and compassion.

"Tumingin sa hinaharap nang may pag-asa at pananampalataya. At tandaan, kahit na nawala ang ilang alaala, ang inyong puso ay puno pa rin ng pag-ibig, at ang inyong kaluluwa ay may kakayahang magmahal at maglingkod nang higit pa," Father continued, his voice filled with hope and encouragement.

"Amen," we all said in unison.

I didn't know if it was intentional, but Father's words felt like they were meant for me. I felt a surge of motivation, a renewed desire to uncover my past.

After the service, we went home. It was already ten o'clock when we arrived.

"Nay, sa kwarto lang po ako, magpapahinga," I said to Nanay, my voice filled with exhaustion.

"Sige, anak, at maluluto na muna ako ng tanghalian natin. Tatawagin nalang kita kapag kakain na," Nanay said, her voice filled with love and concern.

"Sige po Nay, salamat po," I said, my voice filled with gratitude.

I went to my room and took off my shoes. I sat down on the bed, feeling a sudden sharp pain in my head. It felt more intense than a normal headache; it was like a vise tightening around my skull. I grabbed my head, my fingers digging into my scalp in a futile attempt to ease the pressure.

Bigla akong nakakita ng liwanag, parang may nag-flash. Sa gitna ng liwanag, nakita ko ang isang lalaki na nakangiti, pero hindi ko makita ang mukha niya. Narinig kong tinawag niya ako, "Jaycee."

Sa isang iglap, parang may gumising sa akin, isang alaala na hindi ko maunawaan. Nakita ko ang sarili ko, tumatawa kasama ang isang batang lalaki na kamukha ko. Nakita ko ang mga ngiti namin, ang mga mata namin na nagniningning sa saya. Parang naramdaman ko pa ang init ng araw sa balat ko, ang hangin na dumadampi sa buhok ko.

Bigla itong nawala, at nagdilim ang paligid ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nangyari pagkatapos. Pero narinig kong tinawag siyang Jace.

"Jayjay, nandito pala kanina 'yong manliligaw mo, este 'yong kaibigan mo pala kanina, hehe." Kuya Lito said, his voice filled with amusement, as he gave me a peace sign.

I woke up to Kuya Lito's voice, realizing I had fallen asleep on my bed. He knew I wasn't feeling well.

He handed me some books. "Ito daw 'yong mga libro na pwede mong i-review para sa exam mo bukas. Pinaabot niya nalang dahil may trabaho pa raw siya," he said.

I nodded and took the books. Ang kapal. "Grabe, ang kakapal ng mga librong ito! Paano ko kaya aaralin lahat ng ito just for 1 day!?" I muttered to myself, my voice filled with a mix of anxiety and resignation.

I picked up a textbook, flipping through the pages, but my mind kept wandering. I couldn't seem to focus. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. "Okay, self, you can do this. Just focus on one chapter at a time," I told myself, but even as I said the words, I knew I was lying. Good luck nalang talaga sa akin!