In Between

Chapter Twenty-nine

"If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubt. But if we begin with doubts, and are patient in them, we shall end in certainties." - Francis Bacon

"Happy Birthday, best!" malakas na bati ni Sandy kay Lyra at mabilis na niyakap ang huli.

"Happy birthday, bhe," nakangiting bati naman ni Hairah sa kaibigan at niyakap rin ito.

Maluha-luhang hindi makapagsalita si Lyra habang nakayakap sa dalawang matalik na kaibigan at sa paligid nila'y naroon ang ilan pang kaibigan, kapamilya, at ang malawak ang ngiting si Pancho. Hindi niya inaasahan ang birthday celebration na inihanda ng mga kaibigan, pamilya at ng fiancé niya.

"Nakakainis kayo," nakangusong wika ni Lyra kina Hairah at Sandy.

"Sus! Nagustuhan mo naman," tumatawang biro ni Sandy.

Binalingan ni Lyra si Hairah na pangiti-ngiti lang. "Ikaw, tatahimik-tahimik ka pa diyan ay kasabwat ka rin nila."

"Less talk, less mistake," nakangising ani Hairah.

Iningusan ito ni Lyra at hinarap naman ang fiancé na si Pancho at ito naman ang kunwa'y inaaway.

"Kunwari pa iyon, gusto naman," siko ni Sandy kay Hairah.

"Parang hindi mo kilala si Lyra. Mabuti pa'y pakainin na lang natin ang mga bisita."

Tumango si Sandy at sila na ang nanguna para asikasuhin ang mga kapamilya at iba pang kaibigan ni Lyra.

Kanina, pagkatapos ng klase ni Hairah ay nagpaalam siyang maagang mag-a-out. Dumiretso sila ni Sandy sa venue na inihanda ni Pancho at katulong ang pamilya ni Lyra, at ilang kaibigan ni Pancho ay sinigurado nilang nakahanda ang lahat. Madalas tumataon na may pasok ang kaarawan ni Lyra kaya madalas simpleng date lang ang celebration nito at ni Pancho. Kaya naman naisip ni Pancho na bigyan ito ng kakaibang birthday present lalo pa’t sa loob lang ng ilang buwan ay magpapakasal na ito.

Last birthday ng kaibigan bilang isang dalaga.

Ang buong akala ni Lyra ay simpleng date lang ulit ang pupuntahan nito at ng boyfriend. Bitbit pa nito ang binili ni Pancho na bulaklak at bear pero pagdating sa venue ay halos matulala si Lyra sa dinatnan. Gulong-g**o ito sa mga nangyayari hanggang magsimulang kumanta si Pancho, isinayaw ito, at nang mabigyan ang lahat ng signal ay sabay-sabay na lumabas para kantahan ng Happy Birthday si Lyra. Hindi pa ito nakakabawi ay ipinalabas ang video na ginawa nila ni Sandy. Hindi tuloy ito magkaintindihan kung tatawa, iiyak o mata-touch.

"Kailan ninyo ito plinano?" tanong ni Lyra nang magkasama-sama sila sa iisang table.

Nagkatinginan sina Sandy at Hairah pero si Sandy ang tumugon. "Noong Friday ng hapon."

"Tumawag si Pancho at humingi siya nang tulong," dagdag niya.

"Ilang araw lang pero..." Hindi makapaniwalang iniligid ni Lyra ang tingin sa lugar. Nasa open garden sila kung saan may mga rounded table and chairs para sa mga bisita, small buffet, may platform kung saan ay kinantahan at isinayaw ni Pancho si Lyra. May malaking screen kung saan hanggang ngayon ay nagpe-play ang video presentation na ginawa nila. Maganda ang ayos ng paligid na para bang nasa enchanted garden sila. Palubog na ang araw kaya naman dumagdag ang kakaibang ambience ng sunset sa ganda ng garden.

"Ano? Uurong ka pa ba sa kasal?" biro ni Sandy. Kapag nag-aaway ang dalawa ay madalas ipanakot ni Lyra kay Pancho na uurong na ito sa kasal. Mahal na mahal nila ang isa't isa kaya naman walang maniwala kay Lyra.

"Siguro, hindi na muna,” ngiting-ngiting tugon nito.

"Kumusta ang paghahanda ninyo sa kasal?" usisa niya.

"Hayun, kumuha si Pancho ng wedding planner para tumulong sa'kin," tugon ni Lyra.

"Wow! Sosyal! May wedding planner," irit ni Sandy.

Hindi na nakakagulat iyon. Mayaman ang pamilya nilang dalawa at parehas may stable na trabaho. Siguradong pipilitin ni Pancho na maging wedding of the year iyon para kay Lyra.

And there again, she could taste the bitter pang of jealousy. She was happy to see her friend happy with the person God had destined for her, but as a woman, there were times when she also dreamed of finding the man destined for her. But God was taking his sweet moments.

Oh God, if that man will come, I know you'll bring him in front of me.

Inabot ni Hairah ang baso ng tubig at uminom. Sa balintataw niya, nakikita niya ang malungkot na mukha ni Elijah. Mahal niya ito pero kung hindi ito ang lalaking itinakda para sa kaniya, handa siyang tanggapin iyon.

Kahit hindi madali.

"Oo nga pala, Hairah, maalala ko." Bumalik ang atensyon ni Hairah sa mga kaibigan nang magsalita si Sandy.

"Ano iyon?"

Makahulugang nagkatinginan sina Sandy at Lyra bago muling tumingin kay Hairah.

"Wanna tell us what was happening between you and Elijah?" Lyra asked in serious tone.

Napalunok si Hairah. Wala pang alam ang mga ito sa mga nangyayari.

"Ilang beses na nakita kang nakaangkas sa motor niya," nakataas ang kilay na deklara ni Sandy.

Napakagat-labi siya sa sinabi nito.

"May nakakita rin sa inyong dalawa habang kumakain kayo sa Pizza House," pagpapatuloy pa ni Lyra sa malamig at seryosong tinig.

Humigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa baso. "Ah... Kasi..."

"Once could be a mistake, but twice and thrice couldn't be an accident," Lyra's voice became quieter.

Alam ni Hairah na wala siyang takas sa dalawang kaibigan. Hairah also knew that there was nothing between her and Elijah. They were nothing, but friends, a mere companion. After what happened at the Home, despite the messages that she kept on sending where Elijah completely ignored, Hairah didn’t know what track were they.

*****

Hawak ni Elijah ang larawan nila ni Yannie ng ikasal sila. Wala pa itong sakit noon at hindi pa rin lumilipas ang ganda nito sa larawan. Yannie was a fair-skinned, slim, and tall woman with round face, round dark eyes and pulpy lips. She's a woman of beauty and strength.

Oh, how he misses her.

He missed the way she looked at him, smiled at him, her sweet soft voice, her smooth touch, and everything about her. He missed her so much it's too painful.

Elijah caressed her wife's picture.

Yannie, I miss you so much. Why did you leave me? Don't you know how painful it is? How hard it is for me to let go? Oh, I can't let you go. I can't. I want you back. I want to see you again, to touch you, to kiss you.

As if in cue, Elijah began to sob. He embraced their wedding picture, and let himself cry. He let the pain engulfed him, the sorrow enveloped him, and the sadness carried him again. Without Yannie, he’s nothing. There's no light in his life without Yannie at his side.

No, she's just a portion of your life, Elijah. You can still go on.

He can't. He can't go on without Yannie.

And just like the other night, he let himself fall in the darkness of sadness.

*****

Elijah gradually opened his eyes. He blinked out the sleep while looking around in a familiar hospital room. His eyes bugged out when they hit Yannie's body lying on a white cold bed. Instinctively, he was about to speak when a scream cut through the air. Elijah immediately run to his wife’s side and tried to calm her down. But, Yannie kept on screaming, her dark eyes rolling at the back of her head in pain. Her both hands were on her balding head, gripping tightly, and fingers digging on her scalp. Her thin limbs arching, her weak legs were jerking and kicking around.

"Kill me! Kill me!" Yannie screamed on the top of her lungs. "It's too painful!"

Elijah tried to hold her but he failed. His hand just passed through her thin limbs.

"Yannie, what's happening?" Elijah asked as his body tremble. "Love," he called her but it seemed that Yannie couldn't hear him. She just kept on screaming—her scream that cut through the silent darkness and through his heart, shattering it into pieces.

Sinubukan muli ni Elijah na hawakan ang asawa pero, gaya noong una, hindi niya ito mahawakan. Naawa siya rito pero wala siyang magawa. Gusto niyang kunin lahat ng sakit na meron ito pero hindi niya maggawa.

Why it is happening?

"Oh please, somebody help her," he shouted. But, no one came to help them. He kept on calling her, but she just kept on screaming. He kept on shouting for help, but no one came, no one was listening. Elijah's body began shook in tremor because of the pain he saw in his wife's face, his heart pounding as her thin limbs began to rest on the cold bed. She stopped moving, her body stopped jerking then she stopped screaming, and she stopped breathing.

"Yannie!" Elijah's about to hug her, but he suddenly fell on his behind.

He watched in horror as Yannie's lifeless body slowly turned into black dust, and flew around him until it made a black cloak. Elijah attempted to shout but no words came out. Desperately, he tried to move but he remained stalled. The black cloak around him was spinning, whirling, and taunting until it began to crawl onto him, and eating his—

"No!" Elijah screamed as his body jolted from the sofa.

Humihingal, nanginginig ang katawan at pinagpapawisan sa takot na iniligid niya ang tingin sa paligid. Nasa sofa pa rin siya sa salas, sa loob ng bahay. May liwanag na nagmumula sa naka-mute na tv at sa kusina.

Nanghihinang napaupo si Elijah. Sa paggalaw niya'y bumagsak ang wedding picture nila ni Yannie. Nilimot niya iyon, tinitigan bago ipinatong sa center table.

"Sh*t! What the heck is happening to me?" Nanginginig pa rin sa takot na isinubsob niya ang mukha sa dalawang palad habang ang dalawang siko'y nakapatong sa magkabilang hita niya.

Bangungot lang ang lahat. Hindi siya sasaktan ni Yannie. Hindi!

“You have to unload it, Elijah.” Elijah's eyes flicked when Hairah's voice flashed inside his head. “You know, He loves you.”

Don't listen to it, boy.

Elijah stood and went to the kitchen. He opened the ref, nabbed a bottled water and drink straight from it.

You have to unload it, Elijah. Hairah's voice kept on ringing inside his head.

Elijah couldn't. He couldn't let go of Yannie.

That's right. She's your other half. Remember how you love her.

Free yourself from burden, my lamb.

Ibinaba ni Elijah ang bote ng tubig sa mesa at tumulala sa kawalan. Naguguluhan na siya. Hindi niya na alam kung anong sunod na gagawin.

Nasaan na ba siya?

Saan na siya patungo?

Ano na bang nangyayari sa kaniya?

Napapikit si Elijah nang maramdaman ang pagpintig ng sentido.

“After Yannie died, have you ever asked God why? Have you ever talked to him and trusted Him that He’ll give you answers? Have you ever asked Him what He wanted to say to you?”

Napamulat ang mga mata ni Elijah nang muling maalala ang sinabi ni Hairah.

“Have you ever asked God why he chose to leave you and not Yannie? Kung si Yannie ba ang naiwan at ikaw ang nawala, ano ang mangyayari sa kaniya?”

Bakit ba ang daming tinig na naririnig niya? Bakit paulit-ulit na naiisip niya ang sinabi ni Hairah?

Ano nga bang mangyayari kung siya ang nawala at hindi si Yannie? Ganito rin ba ang sasapitin ni Yannie?

*****

After two days…

Sakay ng jeep si Hairah pauwi. Pagka-out niya sa school ay naghanap muna siya nang maireregalo sa anak ni Officer Honey. Ginabi na siya dahil medyo nahirapan siyang mag-isip kung anong ibibigay rito. Hindi niya kilala ang bata at ang tanging naging basehan ay tila mahilig ito sa Avengers na siyang disenyo ng invitation card.

Ngayon, nakatulala sa kawalan si Hairah habang iniisip kung pupunta ba siya sa birthday party ng anak ni Officer Honey. Huwebes na ngayon at sa makalawa ay kaarawan na ng anak nito. Sa kasamaang-palad, free siya sa Sabado kaya mahihirapan siyang mangatwirang hindi siya makakapunta. Alam niyang wala namang makakapilit sa kaniyang pumunta pero nakailang message sa kaniya si Officer Honey. Hindi pa sila nagkakausap ni Neil ulit at tila hanggang ngayon ay masama pa rin ang loob sa kaniya ni Elijah. 

Ipokrita siya kapag sinabi niyang hindi niya nami-miss ito. Hinahanap-hanap ito ng mga mata niya pero pinipilit niyang sikilin ang nararamdaman.

Tumanaw sa labas ng bintana ng jeep si Hairah. Malapit na siya kaya naghanda na siyang bumaba. Pagkatanaw ng Loading and Unloading Zone ay mabilis siyang pumara at bumaba. Hindi pa siya nakakailang hakbang nang matanaw si Neil na nakasandal sa naka-park na pulang kotse sa gilid ng kalsada. Kilala niya kung kanino ang pulang kotse, ayon na rin sa plate number nito na madalas niyang makita, pero wala sa paligid ang nagmamay-ari ng sasakyan.

Bahagyang nagsalubong ang mga kilay niya ngunit mabilis ding pinawi iyon. Napalingon sa kaniya si Neil na nagliwanag ang kanina ay seryosong mukha nito. Awtomatikong binigyan niya ito ng munting ngiti. Naka-uniporme si Neil kaya tiyak na naka-duty ito. Ang pulang kotse ay kay Elijah pero wala ito sa paligid. Tiyak hindi rin nito gustong makita siya.

Diretsa ang tingin na naglakad si Hairah habang si Neil naman ay tumuwid ng tayo at nagsimulang maglakad palapit sa kaniya. "Hi, Miss H!" bati nito.

"Hi, Neil," bati niya dito nang makalapit ito.

"Ginabi ka ata," salubong nito sa kaniya.

"May binili lang," aniya sabay taas ng malaking eco bag na may tatak na 'Toy Kingdom' at isang paper bag ng 'National Bookstore'.

Sinulyapan ni Neil ang bitbit niya sabay tanong, "Pupunta ka sa birthday ni Rocky?"

"Hindi ko sure. Kung okay lang sana ay ipapadala ko na lang din ang gift ko," kakamot-kamot sa ulong ani Hairah.

"Busy ka ba sa Saturday?"

Hindi magaling magsinungaling si Hairah kaya wala siyang naggawa kundi ang magsabi ng totoo. "Not really," she replied in a low voice.

"Sabi ko naman sa'yo ay kami ang bahala sa'yo. I'll introduce you to my girl, para naman may nakakausap din siya," pagbibigay assurance ni Neil.

Napakurap-kurap si Hairah sa binata. Hindi siya makapaniwalang sa paraan nang pakikipag-usap nito sa kaniya ay para bang napakatagal na nilang magkakilala. "H-Hindi mo pa ako kilala pero..."

"You're Elijah's friend," Neil reminded. "At ang kaibigan niya ay kaibigan ko na rin."

Natutuwa siya na malamang may ganitong side pala ang dating akala niya'y playboy at happy-go-lucky na lalaki.

"One more thing, it's good to know more beautiful ladies," Neil added in a wide grin.

Hairah's face flustered at his words. Dahil sa pagiging nice ni Neil ay nakakalimutan ni Hairah na isa pa rin itong typical na bolero. Nagkunwari na lang siyang wala lang sa kaniya ang sinabi nito at sa halip ay kinumusta si Elijah. "Kumusta na pala si Elijah?"

"Still kicking and alive and stubborn," he answered while shrugging his shoulder. "Hindi pa ba kayo nag-uusap?" pagkaraa'y tanong nito.

May malungkot na niting umiling si Hairah. "Hindi pa ulit. Maybe, he's still mad at me."

Napatuwid nang tayo si Neil. "Mad at you?" he inquired as his thick eyebrows drew closer.

She slid her eyes at the side while saying, "Well, our talk just got heated and…"

"Elijah took it the wrong way, right?"

Hindi siya nagsalita pero sapat na ang pananahimik niya kumpirmahin iyon.

"No kidding," he muttered, "but every word you'll say to him, no matter how good it was, he will twist it to fit on his perspectives." Neil shook his head in frustration.

"Naguguluhan lang siya."

Neil glanced at Hairah's gloomy face. When he called her earlier, she was smiling and whenever he said Elijah's name, her eyes glow. Though, at this moment, the glow was gone. "Elijah is a good person. He is calm, soft, and controlled man, however everything's changed."

"I can see that," she whispered.

"I'll talk to hi—”

"No! You can't do that!" she immediately stopped him.

"Then you go to the party."

"Now, you're blackmailing me."

He smirked. "In case you don't know, I'm good in negotiations."

"I still can't," she mumbled.

"Why?" he questioned.

"I just can't," she insisted.

"What is it that you can't?" Elijah's voice chipped in.

Hairah and Neil's head both whipped at Elijah. He was walking towards them. He was in casual clothes and not on his cop's uniform. His body and hands were both relaxed, but the look in his face seemed the opposite of his body.

"Elijah," Neil greeted him.

"H-hi," Hairah muttered, her eyes looking at the side.

Elijah glanced at the bags Hairah was holding. "You're going to Rocky's birthday?"

"Actually, I'm..."

"Convince her to come. Ayaw niya, eh,' sabat ni Neil.

"Wala akong sinabing aayaw kong pumunta," mahinang angil ni Hairah kay Neil.

"Humahanap ka ng rason para hindi pumunta," pangangatwiran ni Neil.

"I just said, I'm not sure," she insisted, and put her free hand at her waist.

Neil laughed in amusement. "Here you go," he grinned and turned to Elijah, "you want to talk to her?"

Elijah didn't answer, but slid his coal eyes to Hairah. Hairah sucked air as she waited him to answer. She badly wanted to talk to him.

Though at this moment, she felt like crawling back.

"I'm going—”

"I'll walk you home," Elijah interrupted her.

Hairah blinked at Elijah.

"That's it," Neil said gleefully and turned to Hairah, "bye, Miss H." He began to walk away, but stopped for a while just to give Elijah a tap on his shoulder. "I'll wait you at the car. You owe me a beer."

Elijah just nodded and continued walking towards her. "Let me carry those," he offered jerking his chin at the bags Hairah was holding.

"No, its fine," she refused as she stepped backward.

Elijah's eyebrows drew together when she stepped backward. "Stop doing that," he said in a low voice.

"What?"

"Walking away from me."

Hairah gasped at his words. Heat crawled in her face, but thanks to the gloaming darkness and faint light from the lamp post, Elijah wouldn't see it.

Or she’s hoping he wouldn’t.

With his words, something unfamiliar, yet sweet tingle struck her. Nonetheless, she knew he didn't mean anything. She’s just being daydreamer.

"I-I'm no—”

"Let's go," he said and grabbed the two bags from her hand.

Hindi na nakaangal pa si Hairah. Napilitan na lang siyang ibigay dito ang eco bag at paper bag bago sabay at magkatabi silang naglakad. Hindi niya alam ang sasabihin, hindi rin nagsasalita si Elijah kaya pakiramdam niya'y nakatuntong siya sa alambre.

Sa kabilang banda, masaya siyang makita ito muli. Ang hindi niya lang gusto ay ang lungkot at dilim na nakikita niya sa mga mata nito. Tila mas lumala ang bigat na dinadala nito.

Oh Lord, what should I do? How could I help this man?

Wala siyang maisip, pero dahil nagkaroon na naman siya ng opportunity, walang masama kung magsisimula muli siya.

"Kumusta ka?"

"How are you?"

Sabay na tanong nila sa isa't isa. Nagkatinginan sila at sabay na napangiti. Gumaan ng kaunti ang pakiramdam ni Hairah nang makita ang ngiti nito.

Ibinaling ni Hairah ang tingin sa unahan bago nagsalita, "I'm fine, how about you?"

"Fine," he replied, though it sounded unsure.

Tumango-tango lang siya.

"Hindi ka makakapunta sa birthday ni Rocky?"

Napakagat-labi si Hairah bago sumagot. "I'm not sure."

"May naka-schedule ka bang gagawin sa araw na iyon?" tanong nito.

"Wala pa naman," tugon niya.

"Then why?"

She shrugged her shoulder and remained silent.

"Gustong-gusto ni Officer Honey na pumunta ka."

"I'm a little surprised when Neil gave me the invitation. Isang beses lang naman kaming nagkausap ni Officer Honey."

"No offense, but Neil and I thought it also," Elijah shared with a smile. "You've got everyone's heart in a glance. It shouldn't be a surprise. After all, you've got mine also."

The instant he said those words, Hairah halted walking, her face in complete awe, her body stilled, and her heart was pounding at her chest. She's dumbfounded and speechless. She knew, he meant nothing. But, for her, it's a huge thing.

You've got everyone's heart in a glance, though, it shouldn't be a surprise. After all, you've got mine also.

She pulled in a breath and her mouth dry.

You've got mine also...

She bit her lower lip. Something big was coming, and she had to stop it.

"Hey, you okay?"

Nakapakurap-kurap si Hairah kay Elijah. Sa kabila ng unti-unting kumakalat na dilim ng gabi ay hindi maitatago ang kagwapuhan ni Elijah. Ngunit alam ni Hairah na hindi lang iyon ang habol niya sa lalaki. Mas marami siyang lalaking nakilala na nakahihigit dito ngunit naging sutil ang puso niya. Hindi niya magawang ibaling sa iba ang nararamdaman dahil sa huli, kay Elijah at kay Elijah pa rin siya palaging lumilingon.

And he just said that she got his heart. Maybe not the way Yannie did, but she didn’t care. All she wanted was a small space or a small portion in his life.

"Hairah..." His voice was husky when he said her name, and Hairah knew he saw that big thing in her eyes. She didn't want him to saw, but it's too late to hide.

"I...I actu-"

"I'll fetch you on Saturday. Two-thirty in the afternoon," Elijah interrupted her.

The party will start at three o'clock.

"But—”

"Officer Honey and Officer Randy invited you. Neil will be there, and he told me that he'll introduce you to Cynthia, and on the top of that I'll stay with you, so no more buts." He again interrupted her, firmer and full of certainty.

It also mean, he wouldn’t say 'no' for an answer.

Still, she had to try.

Why are you so afraid, my beloved?

"What if suddenly came up?" she asked, finding excuse, and hoping to God something will came up at Saturday.

You are very free on Saturday, my daughter.

"Well, let us see. Though, dahil wala ka pa namang schedule na gagawin. We'll stick at my plan," he said with a grin.

Napatitig si Hairah kay Elijah. Gusto niyang itanong kung galit pa ba ito sa kaniya. Gusto niya ring itanong kung bakit kahit isang mensahe mula sa ipinapadala niya ay wala itong tugon, pero hindi na mahalaga iyon sa ngayon. Darating ang panahon at ang mga salitang ipinapadala niya rito ay gagamitin ng Lord para kumilos sa buhay ni Elijah. Hindi na mahalaga sa kaniya kung ibalik nito ang lahat nang ginagawa niya o ang nararamdaman niya para dito. Ang mahalaga lang ay makita nito ang liwanag at totoong dahilan ng buhay.

Naguguluhan man siya dahil sa biglang pagbabago nang ihip ng hangin, sasamantalahin niya ang pagkakataong ito para ipakitang may mas maganda pang buhay na naghihintay kay Elijah.

"Okay," she said as she smiled widely at him.

Lord, guide my way. Guide him to you.

Sabay muli silang naglakad, ngayon mas mabagal, at tila sinusulit ang ilang linggong hindi pagkaka-usap. Sa isang iglap, para bang naglaho ang pader na meron sa kanila sa loob ng nakaraang ilang linggo.

*****