TO BE LOVED

"Please don't be too hard on yourself," he said quite frankly. It’s almost twelve midnight. And here we are, away from home. Galing lang namin sa convention, kakatapos lang ng aming graduation ball. Tahimik man ang pagkasabi niya pero rinig na rinig ko ang walang emosyong pagkasabi niya. "When you know it won't happen," he added. He looks so good in his suit and tie while his other hand is on his pocket. He looked dead serious while he said those words that for him its normal to say those words but to me? It’s more than that. It’s hurt. Its hurt so bad. That I felt numb every time he said it. I've known him as a good person. He's a well- mannered kind of a guy most girl wish to have. Pero sa akin, hindi. Hindi niya ako tinignan sa magandang anggulo matapos ang nangyari. Kailan man hinding - hindi na dadating iyon. After what happened I don't think so... O nagkamali ako? Siguro naiirita na siya sa akin sa pagmumukha ko na araw-araw niyang nasisilayan. "I don't know, when to stop and how to do it," sabi ko sabay ngiti sa kanya ng malungkot. I do not possessed an attitude like an angel. Promise I am more than that. He stopped walking and face me. With irritation in his face now visible even in dim lights. Please bear with me... for one last time... Wearing a black dress, black stiletto. I probably look like trash, but hey I’m sober now. Kung hindi niya lang ako kinuha doon sa dancefloor na nagsasayaw na parang bayarang babae at kasamang lalaki na malapit ng maghahalikan hindi ko na alam. Well, sinasagot niya lang naman ang tanong ko. Tapos bigla nalang akong hinigit ni Kol. "I don't like you. Why can't you understand that?" His hawk-like eyes and thick brows says like he hates this situations and here being with me. Ayan na naman siya, sa mga salita niyang mapanakit. I nodded. Like what I always did. The pain in my chest is part of me now and I'm gladly welcomed them because pain is bearable if you love the person that much. Kaya mong kimkimin ang sakit kasi mahal mo. Pero hanggang saan mo kakayanin? I am used to it, those four words of his. Kulang nalang na ipa-pa frame ko ‘yon. Para naman kapag gumising ako sa sumunod na araw ‘yon ang una kung makikita. Baka sa ganoong paraan makaka-move on na ako? Na talagang hindi kami para sa isa't isa. "Alam ko naman ‘yan." Walang lakas kung pagkasabi. Kinaya ko na hindi umiyak sa mga salita niya. Kahit sumakit na ang lalamunan ko at dibdib sa sakit na naramdaman. He resume walking and his phone beeped for an incoming message. Nakasunod ako sa kanya. I called Kuya Jober his driver earlier na mga pasado ala una na kami sunduin. Hindi naman siya nagreklamo. At malakas ako sa kanya. Itong amo niya lang ang hindi sa akin. "The driver will fetch us." he let me know. I nodded after and we proceed to walk while waiting for his driver to come. Mamaya pa 'yon. Kaya sisiguraduin ko na ito na ang panghuli. Lubos-lubusin ko na. Ito rin naman ang dahilan kung bakit ko tinawagan si Kuya. Para makapagusap kami. “We only want those we can't have, right?” I said while getting a piece of cigarrete on my pouch and lit it. He look at me while I exhaling the smoke like pro one meter away in front of him. "Stop that," inis niyang ani sabay akmang kunin. Ganyan siya! Kung bakit kailangan ganyan ang pakikitunggo niya sa akin! Kung ganyan siya makapag sabi sa akin ng ganyan! Kung bakit napakabuti niya sa akin sa kabila na nangyari! Kung bakit kinuha niya ako kanina sa dancefloor! Sino ba naman kasi ang hindi mahuhulog sa ganyang ipinakita sayo diba? Ang lamig ng hangin at sa pamamagitan ng sigarilyo na ito kahit man lang makadama ako ng init sa aking sistema. "Don't worry this will be the last time seeing me smoking," I promised. He still look at me. Every actions of mine. Scrutinizing me. I shivered when a soft blow of the wind enveloped my body. Nakita niya iyon, wala naman akong pakialam kung nilalamig na ako, eh kanina pa kami naglalakad dito. "You wanna try?" I offered him my lit cigarrete. "I don't smoke," "Well, that's good. Smoking can kill you." I halfheartedly laugh. Kinuha niya agad ang itim niyang coat at lumapit sa akin ang bawat pag apak niya patungo screams with kindness like I'm the damsel in distress and he's the knight offering for help. Inilagay niya iyon sa balikat ko at ang halter kung suot na medyo expose sa likod ay natabunan na ngayon ng kanyang coat. I can smell his expensive manly perfume by the way. I raised my left eyebrow in amusement. I hold it tightly with my two hands. At biglang kinuha ang sigarilyo galing sa aking pagkahawak at tinapon at tinapakan gamit ang sapatos. Hindi na ako ako nakapagreklamo dahil sa biglaang ginawa. Lumayo siya pagkatapos. How I wish I can replace you with someone that easily, but sadly you can't teach your heart who to love. My heart wants what it wants. And that his heart. But his heart not bound for me, bound to someone else. "I'm leaving by the way. I know you don't care, but I just wanted to let you know." Huminto ako sa paglalakad nakatingin sa baba. Walang paroroonan na'to ang mga matang pagod na. Suddenly a tear dropped and I quickly wipe it away before he got the chance to see it. I smiled as if letting go something I never had in the first place. His feelings for me. He didn't said a word. Lumapit ako sa kanya. Nagdadalawang isip na hawakan ang mukha niya o hindi. Nasa ere na ang kamay ko sumulyap siya doon at bumalik ulit ang mata sa akin. Binaba ko ang kamay kung parang tanga. "After graduation. Isasama na ako ni Mama sa Canada. Nagkausap na sila ng Mommy mo at ayos na. Ikaw nalang ang hindi ko pa nasabihan nito." I swallowed hard to push the lump forming on my throat and bite my lips. I didn't cry, I bite my tonged for stopping the urge to cry. Peke pa akong tumawa para maibsan ang sakit na nadarama. Para ipakita kahit papaano na hindi ito big deal sa akin. Pero tang*na big deal sa akin ‘to. "Hindi mo naman na kailangan malaman pa. Pero bastos naman diba kung hindi ako magpapaalam sayo. Kahit paano may pinagsamahan naman tayo." Sa kabila ng mga nangyari... His jaw clenched after I said my piece. His eyes says nothing, vast of nothingness. I feel like this thing right now professing to the man I loved is ridiculous somehow. Pero bahala na nga! Ganyan naman tayo diba pagdating sa mahal natin magpapakatanga tayo kahit mali naman iyon. Magmukha tayong katawa-tawa para sa kanila. Pero ayos lang yon total hindi na'rin naman kami magkikita pagkatapos ng graduation namin. Kaya ito na. Kahit hindi naman mapupunan itong nararamdaman ko. These feelings that I've got. That lead to nowhere and its need to stop before it worsen and lost myself in the process. "I love you," I whispered. Kasabay non ay ang pagtulo ng luha ko na hindi na nakayanan na itago pa. "A-alam ko naman na hindi talaga. Gusto ko lang naman na malaman mo na... mahal na mahal kita." putol-putol ang pagkasabi ko kasi dahil sa mga tumutulong luha. Umamba siyang lapitan pa ako, pero umatras ako natatakot na baka anong gawin niya. O anong salita na naman lumabas sa bibig niyang mapanakit, at masasaktan naman itong puso kung sawi. His eyes... his eyes somehow comforts me. This will be the last time I can see them clearly, those two gray fine orbs. I adored those eyes... that it made me fall for him more. I kissed him on the lips I can feel that he was shocked and he was taken a back by my sudden move. Bahala na, last na'rin naman to kaya wala na akong pakialam. I crouched a bit and kiss him more. His lips stilled still not parted. Not welcoming my gentle kissed to his lips. He push my shoulder that I know what he mean by that. Tila ba nandidiri sa akin. Kaya huminto ako. "I'm sorry," matapos ko ilayo ang sarili sa kanya. That was stupid! Galit at puot ang nakita ko sa mga mata niya. Tumango ako bilang pagsuko sa pag ibig hindi talaga para sa atin. Tumunog ang cellphone niya at mabilis na sinagot. Tinalikuran niya ako kahit alam ko na maririnig ko naman iyon. "Wala pa. Nandito pa kami. Oo magkasama kami," Sa malayo nakita ko na ang sasakyan papunta dito. Tinupad talaga ni Kuya Jober ang hiling ko sa kanya. "Sige. Tatawag ako pagkarating ko sa bahay. I love you," the last three words was said in whispers. Nasasaktan ako sobra. The way he said it is so genuine that I'm so jealous of it. That I wish I was his girlfriend, but I'm not. And I will never be. Ang bagong luha ay nangingilid na sa aking mga mata. Kaya pilit kung ngumiti sa kanya ng hinarap niya ako. Na para bang ayos lang lahat para sa akin ‘to. Its so hard to pretend to be okay. Pretending that you're okay. Act like its fine after all. But deep inside its more than that. Its like a body without a soul. Kinuha ko ang coat niya. Bumalot ulit ang lamig ng gabi. Pawisan ang leeg ko. Binigay ko sa kanya, tinignan lamang niya iyon, hindi kinuha. At nasa harap na namin ang sasakyan nila. "No," pigil ko. He stopped opening the door for me. Nakita niya ang isang pamilyar na sasakyan na huminto sa likod. Ako na mismo ang kumuha sa kamay niya at inilagay doon ang coat. He look at me with those two intense looking gray eyes. Sinusuri ang ginawa ko. I slightly tap his side shoulder as a sign that he can go now. Pero hindi siya umalis. Tumunog ang cellphone ko at si Mama iyon. Lumingon ako sa likod ko. And nodded. I smiled at him to assure him that its okay. "Until next time," That's the last thing I saw him and the last words that I said to him. Only for him. The three words eight letters is I can now finally letting it go and said it to the man I loved, who loved someone else... But I will still love him even though he won't love me back. Days after days, months after months, years after years. Maybe those days, months, years will somehow my feelings for him fades. And that I'll hope so. Because I'm tired having a feelings for someone that didn't love me back… and this is my first time. Is it true that when you truly love someone with every beats of your heart, your heart is in danger because you'll never know if they love you or not. That's why there is so many broken souls wandering because of unrequited love. Sad and lonely. But... it is okay little fighter, everything will be fine. Lets just trust the process of moving on. Soon you'll find a right man that will love you with every beats of his heart. Soon you'll get better... Lost him forever... But deep in my heart I hope we can find each other again. Kahit hindi magiging kami okay lang, basta ba mapatawad niya ako. Ayos na... O sadyang niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko na dadating ang panahon na'yon?