Started with Goodbye

Chapter 18

Asher and I were currently inside of the cafe that was near on my apartment building, and as always, just like when we were still alright a week ago, we choose a place where no one could hear what we were about to say. We choose a place that only the two of us would be able to hear the explanation of both sides.

Asher was looking at me, sadly, though it was not the same as before that he wanted to cry. Right now, I could see a glint of sadness in his eyes, but I knew that he would not shed a tear. It was like as if even though no one would tell me, I knew that his expression was not the same anymore.

I looked straight into his eyes, and I did not know what expression that could be seen on my face because I have a mixed emotion on the inside. It seems like I was feeling the disappoinment, excitement, and any other emotion inside my heart, and I could not seem to stop myself from doing so.

“I...” The both of us talked at the same time, and that made the both of us stopped talking and looked down on the table again.

We have been really quiet the whole time that we have decided to go inside of this cafe. It has been thirty minutes ever since the both of us agreed that we needed to talk about things, and it has been thirty minutes ever since we had this silence between the two of us.

Now that the both of us decided to talk, it seems like we were just getting ready and when we both did, the result was like this. We talked at the same time, though we both clearly did not know where to start, and we were just so eager to remove this silence between the two of us.

“You can talk first,” Asher told me as he finally looked on my side, and gave me a smiled as if he was telling me that it was alright for me to talk first, before him. “What I was about to say can wait for later.”

Even though I was still skeptical about this, I just let it go because I really, really wanted to talk to him. I really wanted to know what the h*ck did just happened between the two of us. I want to know why he had to go, without even bothering to tell me where did he go.

“I was trying to reach you these past few days, but it seems like you did not even want me to know where you are,” I told him as I looked into his eyes, but he avoided my gaze as soon as I did so. “I have been asking myself what the h*ck did just happened, because it seems like you just avoided me for a reason that I could not point out.”

I wanted to cry because of the frustrations that have been building up ever since that day that he did not call me, but it also seems like my tears did not want to fall into my eyes. It seems like all the mixed emotions that I have been feeling triggered me to not let myself cry over this thing that had happened between the two of us.

“I have been thinking if it was because of what I asked you that day, or maybe, it was something more than that because it seems like you really wanted to move away from me.” I looked at him again and I did not show how lonely I had become because of what had happened between the two of us. “Can you pleas tell me the reason why you had to do something like that?”

I wiped away the unshed tears on my eyes, and looked straight into him, but sadly, he looked away from me as if saying that he did not want to answer my question. It seems as if he was saying that he does not have any courage to do so. It seems like he does not intend to tell me what really did happened to him.

“I have been worried for you, you know?” I laughed out of disbelief after I said that to him. “I did not even get to have any news from you. I did not get a chance to know what had happened to you. I did not had a chance to know why you suddenly disappeared just like that, and I have been going cr*zy, thinking of the reasons why you had to do something like that.”

He still did not look at my side, and that action alone made me even more frustrated than I ever was. It somehow made me want to be angry at him, but I was trying to stay as calm as I could because I did not want him to go away again because of me.

“Tell me. Did I do something wrong? Did it upset you because of what I asked you that day? Did it made you hate me? Is it just really because of what I asked you that day?” I started to ask him countless of questions.

I started to ask him all the questions that I had in my mind these past few days. I started to ask him everything that have been bothering me for the past week that he was suddenly gone on my side. I started to ask him the question that I could not seem to find any answer, even though I have been tirelessly questioning myself over and over again.

“Or was there something more than it?” I looked at him again, but I tried as hard as I could to stop myself from crying in front of him because I promised to myself that I would not cry anymore. I would not let myself cry because of the things that I thought was getting on the wrong way. “Because I really think that you are not a type of person that would run away because something like that.”

I promised myself that I would be strong enough so that I would not pity myself out of anything that has been happening on my life. I promised to myself that I would not cry any longer because of the things that get out of hand. I promised to myself that I would not cry over something that is not worth to shed a tear for.

Because I think that solution was better than crying the frustrations that I felt. I thought that it was more alright if I would face the problem, and I would act like the adult that I am and not like a child who did not get what she wanted to have.

“Or was I wrong with the person that I thought you are?” I asked him as my face got void with any emotions. “Am I wrong when I thought of you like that? Was there another Asher inside you that you do not want me to meet?”

I looked at him again, and this time, he snapped his head towards my direction. Confusion, sadness, and loneliness was written all over his face. It seems like he was trying to conceal it, but I could read his emotions like an open book.

“It is not like that, Hera,” he told me and the same expression on his face was still visible in my eyes. “I was... always true to you,” he said, but I could clearly hear the hesitation on his voice.

I could clearly hear how he was hesitating when he said that. I could hear that he was unsure on his own statement. I could clearly hear that he was also unsure of himself. It seems as if he really wanted to say something, but he was also stopping himself from doing so, as if it would affect what we have right now.

“Is that so?” I asked him, with a doubt on my voice that made him look at me again. Our eyes met again after that as I said to him, “Because I really think that it is not. What had happened these past few days, it made me think twice, but I did not want to let all the negativities got better of me, that’s why you can talk to me right now.”

He did not avoid my gaze after that, but I knew that he was uncomfortable with the stares that I was giving him. I knew that he did want to explain his side, but he was stopping himself from doing so, because of an unknown reason that I think that I could not also figure out right now.

“I do not want us to fall apart,” I told him that made him look at me in shock. “I did not want us to let go of each other’s hands because of this problem. I did not want us to end our relationship, just because of the misunderstanding that I cannot figure out what it is. I did not want to end this just because of a reason that neither the both of us knew.” I looked at him in the eye, as I asked him, “Or do you really know? But you just did not want to tell me, that is.”

Asher looked up at the ceiling for a brief second as he inhaled and exhaled as if he was trying to calm himself. He looked at me again, and right now, unlike before that I could tell what he was feeling or what his emotion is, it seems like I could not figure out that expression on his face that I have never seen before.

He grabbed my hands that was resting on the table between us, and he squeezed it so tight, not so hard that it hurts, but it was tight as if he did not want to let go. He looked straight into my eyes, and somehow, I did not want to avoid his stares.

“I did not also want the both of us to fall apart,” he said to me, but I did not dare to cut him off and let him say what he wanted to say. “I did not want this to happen. I did not want you to suffer like this because of me.”

“I never suffered,” I corrected him because I could see the pain on his eyes. “But I guess that I thought that you just let me go, just like that, without even telling me what was wrong. I guess that I could say that I have been so lonely because of what had happened between the two of us. It made me think that I did something wrong that’s why you did not show up.”

He squeezed my hands, tightly, again as he looked at me with an expression that I could not name. He let out a sigh again as if he was preparing himself from what he was about to say. It seems as if he wanted to choose the words that he would say to me.

“Then, Hera, I want you to always remember that I do not want you to think less of yourself because of me,” he told me with that look on his face that I could not explain. “Whatever that will happen now, and whatever that I will do, I want you to always think that it was never been your fault, and never will be.”

“But just like what I said earlier, you made me think that way, because of the things that you have done to me,” I said to him that made him look so conflicted, as if he would start to panic because of what I was saying to him. “You made me think less of myself because of what have you done.”

He shook his head at me, almost aggressively, as he squeezed my hands again, even more tighter than before but he was also trying to stop himself from hurting me, physically. He looked at me with his wide eyes as if he was saying that I should not think of that.

“Please,” he pleaded and I could hear that his voice almost trembled. “Don’t think of that way because of me. Don’t think of yourself because of me. Don’t blame yourself because of what I have done.” He repeated those same words he said to me, just a second ago.

“Then please, do not ever do something like that again,” I told him with my eyes almost sheds a tear. “Do not ever disappear like that again. Do not ever leave me alone again. Do not ever turn your back at me. Do not ever let something like that happen between the two of us anymore.”

He immediately nodded his head at me as he tightly squeezed my hands before he let it go. “I cannot promise that I can do that, Hera,” he told me that made me drop all the hopes that I had in my heart. “But I can promise that whenever something like that will happen, I promise that i will come back to you even against all odds.”

“Can you really keep that promise?” I asked him as all my emotions started to crumble on my mind, and in my heart. I slightly shook my head at him, as I did not avoid his gaze. “Because you also promised something to me, weeks ago, but I do not think that you did not great job on fulfilling it.”

“I swear now that I am telling only the truth,” he told me with a look on his face that I cannot name. “I will always come back to you, Hera.”

We looked at one another for a whole minute, before I finally sighed as I said to him, “I will not ask about what had happened to you these past few days that you were gone because I think that you are uncomfortable with that topic.” I looked straight into his eyes again, and he did the same. “But promise me that you will not ever let our relationship go.”

He looked at me with tears on his eyes, and that smile, the very same smile that I have seen to him when we were together, were back on his face. I could tell that he was stopping himself from crying. I could tell that he did not want me to see those emotion, but I could still clearly see it.

“I love you too much, Asher,” I told him, with my voice full of emotion that I always had on my heart. “And I did not want to let you go because of some misunderstanding between the two of us. I did not want us to fall apart because of a reason that I did not really know about.”

I looked at my wrist watch and saw that I was already late, so I prepared to stand up that made him look at me with panic on his eyes. I looked at him too as I sighed before I gave him a smile to lessen the worry on his heart.

“I am already late on my work,” I told him with so much softness on my voice, that I did not notice until it was too late. “As much as I wanted to talk to you, I do not think that my boss will like the thought of me, going late on my work for the first time since he gave me a week rest.”

He immediately calmed down right after that, but I could still see that he was hesitating over something that I could not really point out.

“I will text you later, alright?” I told him to tell him that I really mean it when I said to him that I did not want us to fall apart. “So that we can talk again, but you have to make sure that you will answer my calls and texts, alright?”

I did not wait for his reply anymore, because I somehow knew that he would fulfill his promise to me, as I turned my back at him and I was ready to go out of that cafe. I also checked my bag before I looked on where I was going, but I was stopped because I felt someone hugged me from behind, in front of so many people, in a public space that anyone could see.

Even though I did not see who it was, I knew that it was Asher whom I left on the table where we were talking earlier.

“I will never let you go, Hera,” he said that made my heart beats faster than it ever did before.