Chasing Love

Five: Haunting Memories

“Pakihintay na lang po ako rito, manong, ha?” ani Sab sa driver ng taxing naghatid sa kanya sa sementeryo bago siya bumaba bitbit ang biniling bouquet ng mixed red and white roses, her mom’s favorite.

As she walked towards her mom’s tomb she was feeling a little guilty. Why, kung hindi pa death anniversary nito, ‘di pa niya ito madadalaw.

There were actually two reasons why she weren’t able to visit her mom often. Una, busy lang talaga siya sa LLC. Pangalawa, she didn’t really want to come here often. Nasasaktan pa rin siya.

Three years had passed yet the pain was still there, waiting for a chance to slowly kill her. Kaya as much as possible, ayaw niyang magpunta sa puntod ng ina. Nalulungkot lang siya. Nasasaktan. Like today.

The pain was so real like it only happened yesterday and not three years ago. Hindi pa man siya nakakalapit sa puntod ng ina, halos sumabog na ang puso niya sa sobrang bigat nang nararamdaman niya.

Dahan-dahang dinala ng tila kulang sa lakas niyang mga paa ang kanyang sarili patungo sa kinahihimlayan ng ina. It took all the courage she had to reach her tomb. Ngunit bago pa man niya mailapag ang dalang bulaklak sa puntod ng ina ay agad na niyang napansin ang isa pang bouquet ng mga bulaklak sa ibabaw niyon. White, pink, and yellow chrysanthemums. Her mom’s other favorite flowers. And she instantly knew who brought it. Her dad.

So you’ve been here, she thought. You never really forget, huh?

But did the knowledge make her happy? No. Was she impressed? Not at all.

Deep in her heart, alam niyang hindi pagmamahal o pagsisisi ang nag-udyok sa kanyang Daddy para huwag kalimutan ang death anniversary ng kanyang Mommy taon-taon. For the past three years, he never forgets to visit her and bring her flowers on her death anniversaries. Mas nauuna pa nga ito kaysa kanya. But no, she was not impressed. Not a bit. She wasn’t happy with it either. Alam naman niya ang rason nang pagkakaganoon ng ama. It was guilt. Nothing more, nothing less.

Bago pa niya napigilan ang sarili ay muli na namang nanumbalik sa kanyang isipan ang nakaraan. She was suddenly brought to the day when she first learned about her Daddy’s little secret.

[FLASHBACK]

“Shut up! Your voice is too loud! Baka marinig ka ni Isabella!” anang Daddy niya.

It was past twelve in the evening. Nagising si Sab dahil sa pagsisigawan ng kanyang mga magulang. Noon niya napagpasyahang lumabas ng kuwarto at makiusyuso sa away ng mga ito. Ilang araw na rin kasi niyang napapansing tila hindi nagpapansinan ang kanyang Mommy at Daddy. But she never really thought na aabot sa sigawan ang away ng mga ito. They never had a fight this big. Ngayon lang.

“Ah, so nahihiya kang malaman ng anak mo ang kababoyang pinaggagagawa mo? Nahihiya ka, ha? Nahihiya ka?” anang Mommy niya.

“I said, keep your voice down!”

“So kailan mo pa kami niluluko, ha? Kailan pa kayo niyang babae mong pera lang ang habol sa ’yo?”

“I said shut up!”

“Sige! Ituloy mo! Sampalin mo ako, sige! Tutal diyan ka naman magaling! Ang magpakababoy! Itodo mo na, hit me! What are you waiting for? Hit me!”

“Stop it, Maribel!”

“Bakit hindi mo magawang ituloy, ha? You don’t want to physically hurt me? Natatakot kang malaman ni Isabella ang lahat? Natatakot kang malaman ng anak mo ang mga kababoyang pinaggagagawa ng walang kuwenta niyang ama?”

And Sab heard enough! Kipkip ang dibdib ay dali-dali siyang bumalik sa kanyang silid. She didn’t want to hear more.

No, this isn’t true, she told herself. Hindi totoo ang narinig niya. Walang ibang babae ang kanyang Daddy. Hindi ito magagawa ng Daddy niya sa kanila! Hindi totoo ang lahat ng ito! Nananaginip lamang siya! It was nothing but a bad dream! It wasn’t true!

But the pain that she felt deep inside was telling her otherwise. The pain felt too real to be just a figment of her imagination. So this must be all true, cried her heart.

She thought that was the most painful feeling that she would ever feel. She was wrong. Nagsisimula pa lang pala ang lahat.

[end of flashback]

Lulan na si Isabella ng taxing maghahatid sa kanya pauwi nang may madaanan siya. Noong una’y akala niya’y dinadaya lamang siya ng kanyang paningin. She later realized that she was not hallucinating. She was actually seeing her father. Her father and his new family.

Pababa ito ng kotse nito kasama ang babaeng sumira ng buhay nila dati, ang babaeng naging kabit ng Daddy niya. Mukhang papasok ang mga ito sa isang sikat na restaurant.

But what caught her attention the most was the baby her father was carrying. The boy looked like he was two years old. At karga-karga ito ng kanyang ama habang nakapulupot naman sa baywang nito ang kamay ng malanding babae. They, indeed, looked like one happy family. Yes, they looked so happy that it was almost unbearable to look at.

Anong karapatan nila para maging maligaya? Wala! Not after they ruined the perfect family she used to have, and definitely not after they killed her mom! They didn’t have the right to be happy! Wala!

Saka lang niya napansing kanina pa pala siya nanggigigil. She was holding the handle of her handbag with too much pressure. Nanginginig ang mga kamay niya habang nilalamukos niya ang handle ng walang kalaban-laban niyang bag. But it was not enough to lessen the pain that she felt at that moment. Ni ang magkasabay na pagpatak ng gabutil niyang luha sa magkabila niyang pisngi ay walang nagawa upang mabawasan kahit na konti ang sakit na nararamdaman niya ng mga sandaling iyon.

Hanggang sa mawala sa paningin niya ang lugar na kinakitaan sa kanyang ama ay hindi pa rin mawala-wala ang bigat sa kanyang dibdib. Parang gusto niyang magwala. That was when she noticed the bar along their way. Mukhang kakabukas pa lamang niyon kung ang pagbabasehan ay ang mga bulaklak sa entrance nito. It was as if it was just inaugurated. The bar looked classy. And happy.

“Itigil ninyo po, manong. Bababa po ako,” aniya sa driver ng taxing sinasakyan sabay punas sa kanyang mga pisngi.

She didn’t go to bars. She didn’t have any night life. But this night would be different. Gusto niyang uminom. Gusto niyang magsaya. Gusto niyang makalimot.