Hold Me Still

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I tried my best to hide the shock and disbelief.

Hindi ba ako nananaginip? O di kaya naman ay baka nag-aaparisyon lang ako. Pwes kung ganoon nga ay hindi nakakatuwa.

This nightmare needs to be stopped!

There is no way na nandito ang lalaking iyon. Ang laki-laki ng Pilipinas, my god.

My nose is assaulted by his manly scent when the wind blows. Like nostalgia, it triggers the memories that I’ve buried from the past that start to make their way on my head. Para bang nais nitong makawala sa hawla kung saan ko sila itinago.

It can’t be, this is not happening, hindi pwede.

“Are you ok?”

Pakiramdam ko ay isa akong nauupos na kandila. Nanghina bigla ang mga binti ko at kung hindi niya ako nahawakan ay baka kanina pa akong napaupo.

It's been years, I thought I would never see him again. Sana nga ganoon na lang.

Pinilit kong makabawi at gamitin ang natitirang lakas para maitulak siya palayo saakin. I’ve never been this panicky and careless pero dahil sa kanya lumalabas ang katangahan ko. I hate that I’m reacting with his presence but what I hate the most is the fact that he acts as if nothing happens.

Na para bang saaming dalawa ako lang talaga ang naaapektuhan, damn him!

“W-what do you think? Malamang ayos ako kaya pwede? Layo!”

Si Mommy lang ang kaya kong utuin at papaniwalain sa mga kasinungalingan ko. I don't know if she really believes it o baka nagpapanggap lang siya. Pero ang lalaking ito? Para bang alam na alam niya ang pasikot-sikot ng utak ko. I hate him more for that.

Lumayo nga siya pero malapit pa din at kung sakali man matumba ako, the space between us is enough for him to reach me.

“Would you mind if I help you get away from that hole?” he asked calmly.

Garren has a playful side dahilan kung bakit maraming lumalapit sa kanya. I remember clearly that he has a large circle of friends, thanks to his bubbly personality and of course his looks.

But whenever he become serious just like now, nakakaramdam ako ng kakaibang intimidation. Its as if he has a power over me at wala akong ibang choice kundi ang sumuko sa kanya.

Unconsciously, my hand landed on my chest dahilan para may ma-realize ako. My plain white shirt is drenched with sweat. Pinamulahan ako ng pisngi ng mapansin na nakatingin din siya doon. It must be the reason kaya siya lumayo saakin.

For goodness sake I’m wearing a black brassiere at bakat na iyon. Nakakainis dahil baka iniisip ng lalaking ito na inaakit ko siya!

Iyon din siguro ang dahilan kung bakit siya nagseryoso.

Ma-pride akong tao at hindi ko iyon itinatanggi. All I know is that I will accept anyone’s help except his.

He was patiently waiting for my reply.

“Hindi na I can manage,” I said calmly kahit pa alam ko sa sarili ko na kasinungalingan lang iyon.

I heard him sigh heavily, tila ba nawawalan na ng pasensya. Wow, the nerve. Ayos yan, mas mainis pa siya para naman sumaya ang araw ko.

Mababaw lang naman ang butas, it's just that I can’t afford to look stupid in front of him. That’s my pride talking. Atsaka hindi ko naman hiningi ang tulong niya kaya hindi niya na kailangan pa mag-abala.

With the right amount of strength I was able to pull myself out from that hole. Iyon nga lang I was not prepared for the next scenario.

I landed on a hard surface but actually it was Garren’s chest. Pigilan ko man na magreact sa nangyari, my flush face and erratically beating heart says it all.

“Ang tigas talaga ng ulo…”

Sinamaan ko ng tingin si Garren dahil sa sinabi niya. Ewan ko ba pero simula ng makita ko siya kumukulo na bigla ang dugo ko. I want to strangle him.

“Kali? Garren? What are you two doing?”

Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa narinig. Kaagad kong tinulak si Garren palayo saakin na hindi man lang yata natinag sa ginawa ko. Para ako pa yata ang matutumba sa ginawa ko.

It was my mother and she’s eyeing us suspiciously. Of course she did not know that we had thing before, mabuti na lang dahil hindi ko alam kung papaano ko ipagtatanggol ang sarili.

But my mother knows Garren very well.

“Hi Tita, umuwi po pala kayo galing Maynila,” he politely said, mapagpanggap talaga.

“Ah yes, hindi ba nabanggit ni Kali sayo? That I’m punishing her?” taas ang kilay na pahayag ni Mommy habang nakatingin saakin.

Naramdaman ko na pati si Garren ay nakatingin na rin saakin. Oo, maybe he was surprised? Kasi naman hindi na ako iyong tatanga-tanga na Kali na hindi marunong makisalamuha sa mga tao. Now, I have my circle of friends na kagaya noong sa kanya.

“Hindi niya na kailangan malaman Mom, we’re no longer close.”

Tumango lang si Mommy bilang sagot pero alam kong nagiisip na siya ng kung ano-ano.

“Garren, why are you here pala? I didn't know you live here in Batangas.”

That caught my attention. Bakit nga ba siya nandito? Sa laki ng Pilipinas bakit dito niya pa napili tumira. Lalo lang nasira ang araw ko knowing that there’s two person I need to avoid. Idagdag pa na kailangan ko makaisip ng paraan para makaalis sa lugar na ito.

“We live here tita, may lupain po ang pamilya ko rito and I’m helping them manage it,” pahayag niya.

I can’t help but stare at him ewan ko ba para kasing nag-iba siya, he sounds so mature unlike before. I feel like I’m looking from a different Garren, someone I didn't know.

“Gusto mo ba munang tumuloy? Nakahanda na kasi iyong hapagkainan baka gusto mo muna sumalo saamin. Ang tagal na rin pamula ng nakita kita.”

Gusto kong patahimikin si Mommy, hindi ba niya nagegets na ayaw kong napapalapit sa lalaking ito? Bakit parang lalo niya pa pinalalapit saakin.

Akala ko nakuha ni Mommy ang ibig sabihin ng pagsenyas ko sa kanya pero kabaliktaran pa yata ang nangyari. Ang hirap lunukin ng pagkain kahit ang sarap noon at kanina pa ako nagugutom sa haba ng byahe.

Paano ba naman ako gaganahan kung katabi ko si Garren.

Ang pamilya ko na ngayon ko lang nakita ay mas excited pa yata na alamin ang buhay ng lalaking ito kaysa saakin na kamag-anak nila. Mula pa man ng makita nila si Garren ay tuwang tuwa na sila.

I’ve already lost my appetite.

“Naku hijo hindi mo man lang nasabi na kakilala mo pala itong apo namin. Napakaliit nga naman ng mundo. Akalain mong saktong sakto ang pag uwi nitong apo namin dahil nagkita kaagad kayo.”

I can feel the stares of my relatives at palipat-lipat iyon saaming dalawa ni Garren. The unease I felt being the center of attention worsen, muntik ko pa matapon ang sabaw na kukunin ko sana. It makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that once they’ve asked a question I’m obliged to answer.

“Ay teka paano nga pala kayo nagkilala?” tanong ng isa kong tita.

Kunwari ay hindi ko narinig ang tanong pero ang puso ko malapit ng sumabog sa bilis ng t***k.

Right, bakit nga ako mag-aalala sa kung ano ang isasagot niya? Totoo naman iyon at wala akong dapat ikabahala. Malinis ang konsensya ko. I’m not the one responsible while our relationship failed.

If they want to know the details edi sasabihin ko ng buo ang kwento.

About how this man suddenly disappears.

In my peripheral vision, pansin ko na bahagyang natigilan si Garren sa pagkain. Natahimik ang mga kamag-anak namin at naghihintay sa kung ano ang isasagot niya. I’m also curious, ano nga kaya ang sasabihin niya?

“We were once acquainted, parehas po kami ng school na pinasukan noon.”

Hindi na pala ako humihinga habang naka focus sa kung paano niya sasagutin ang tanong. Somehow, I’m still waiting na dagdagan niya ang sasabihin but that’s the only answer he could muster to say.

All I know is that his words stung. Iyong mga sugat na akala ko magaling na biglang bumukas na naman. Suddenly, I was again that girl crying in the middle of nowhere when rain was still pouring, mourning for the loss of her father as well as her broken heart.

Kung malakas lang ako baka siguro nabali ko na ang kutsara at tinidor na hawak ko.

But then why would I let him know what I truly feel?

That will only make me stupid and pathetic.

Bago pa man lumipat sa akin ang atensyon ng mga kamag-anak ko ay nagpaalam na ako. Thankfully they did not ask questions and just let me be. I did not bother to look back pero pakiramdam ko ay may nakatingin sakin habang papalayo.

It's been years since the last time I let myself delve from the past. As much as possible I want to forget everything pero bakit kahit anong gawin ko, pilit pa rin akong ginagambala ng bagay na ‘yon?

Garren moved on, everyone moved but why does it feel like I’m the only one who's still stuck from the past?

The night breeze embraces me and I happily accept that.

I want to feel numb.

I close my eyes and let the coldness caress my body.

“It’s cold, why are you here?” a voice that is so familiar to me said.

I did not open my eyes because I know that once I see him all the emotions I tried to suppress will get the best out of me. Ayokong mangyari iyon.

“Ako dapat ang nagtatanong niyan sayo. Bakit ka ba nandito? Ang laki-laki ng Pilipinas pero bakit dito ka pa talaga napadpad?” I calmly said.

“But you don’t need to answer that because that’s none of my concern. Sana lang ito na ang huling beses because I don’t want to see you anymore, Garren. Let’s treat each other as strangers, that’s the least that you can do after what you did.”

Wala akong ideya kung paano ko nagawang sabihin ang mga katagang iyon ng hindi nauutal. For a second I feel so strong.

I heard him sigh. He remain silent, iniisip ko na baka umalis na siya at iniwan akong mag-isa. Maybe I’m just talking to myself.

I was about to open my eyes when he started talking.

“I have no intention of getting back in your life just like what you want. I promise to never let our paths cross, kaya huwag kang mag-alala. You better get inside, uuna na ako,” he said with his raspy voice.

My heart sank while my tears started to form. Hindi ko pinigilan ang sarili ko because I feel like I owe it to myself, the closure. Guess I’m really starting my new life.

In the end he still did not admit his reasons, but if that's what he wants so be it.