What It Means To Be Free

This book contains graphic depictions of violence, s*x, strong language, and/or other mature themes. It is advised not to read this book if you are easily offended or if you feel uncomfortable reading this book. —————————————————————— Eleutheromania: an intense and irresistible desire for freedom. Alpas: Isang paraan ng pagwala o pagkawala sa isang bagay (to become free, to break loose) ***** Paano mo ba malalaman kung tama pa ba ang ginagawa mo? Kung masaya ba ang ibang tao sa mga nagawa at natapos mo? How would you know if all those things that you do and did are worth it? Kasi ako, hindi ko alam. Basta, ang alam ko lang, ginagawa ko ang lahat mapasaya lang sila. Sila. It was like I'm made to entertain and serve them as they wish. It turns out that my life wasn't mine to live. It's 10 in the morning and here I am trying to continue reading despite the clenching pain in my chest. Namumugto man ang mga mata ko ay tinuloy ko pa rin ang pagbabasa ko kahit na alam kong wala na rin naman itong silbi. Ano pa bang magagawa ko? I've been crying non stop since I don't know when. Hindi ko mapigilang hindi mapaluha sa mga nangyari nitong mga nagdaang araw. These past days left me broken that I don't even know how to move forward. Siguro hindi ko lang talaga matanggap? Or maybe I was just stupid? My chest tightened as I reminisce what happened. Ramdam ko ang unti unting pagiinit ng mga mata ko kaya sinara ko na muna ang librong pilit kong binabasa at tinanggal ang salamin ko. With my hands covering my face as tears rolled down my cheeks, I wept. I was in the middle of another break down when I heard the sound of my doorbell. Pinunasan ko ang mukha kong basa sa luha gamit ang mga kamay ko. I stood on my feet and walked my way towards the door. Bumungad sa akin ang bihis na bihis na kaibigan ko. It's not her usual attire when she waits for me to open the door for her. Hindi katulad ng dati, nakasuot siya ngayon ng grey cardigan, white loose inner shirt at denim jeans. Sa likod niya ay ang itim na suitcase na nakapagpatigil sa akin. "Y-you're...." I swallowed the lump on my throat and continued. "Leaving?" I said in a quavering tone. "Apparently." She sighed and looked straight into my eyes. "Ang pangit mo." Sumimangot ako at nagambang isasara na ang pinto. "Ay ang bastos nito. Tabi nga." She pushed the door enough for her to enter my unit and for me to step aside. She brought her suitcase with her and faced my unit as I stand here beside the door. "Anong nangyari?!" She exclaimed and turned to me with her face looking so shocked. "I tripped." I curtly said. "Tripped?!" She walked towards me and tugged my hair backwards that almost made me loose balance. "Inaano kita!" "Grabe ka naman pala madapa! Ano? Napaikot ikot ka muna bago matumba? Gano'n?" She said while her hands rest on her waist. Mukha tuloy akong bata na pinapagalitan dahil nakabasag ako ng mamahaling vase. Huminga siya ng malalim bago ako tinalikuran at nagsimulang magayos. My unit is a complete mess. Nagkalat ang mga kagamitan ko rito habang ang mga pinagkainan ko naman ng tsitsirya ay nagkalat sa sahig. Pieces of paper are scattered on the floor together with a few containers. "I'm sorry I can't seem to control myself. It's fine, right? Pumayat naman ako. Promise, pakita ko pa sayo." I said, joyfully. May digital weighing scale naman ako rito sa condo. I weigh myself before I eat and after almost everyday kaya alam kong nabawasan na ang timbang ko. I was surprised when she approached me to hug me. Bumigat ang dibdib ko at sa sandaling iyon, bumuhos muli ang mga luha mula sa mga mata ko. Tinulungan ko si Aeya sa paglilinis ng unit ko. It took us 3 hours to bring my unit back to it's original, clean and tidy look. Nagpaalam ako kay Aeya na maliligo na muna ako bago siya iniwan na nakaupo sa sofa ko. Habang naliligo, hindi ko maiwasang hindi mapatulala habang nakatingala at dinadama ang tubig na nagmumula sa showerhead. I wish I could wash away the pain as easy as I wash away the dirt from my body. I went out of the bathroom and wore a mocha colored sweatshirt and a pair of high waisted black denim shorts. I saw my phone placed over my bedside table but I didn't mind turning it on. Not now. Lumabas ako ng kwarto ko habang pinupunasan ang buhok ko gamit ang twalya ko at naabutan si Aeya na nakaupo sa single sitter sofa katabi ng halaman. "So, ano? Aalis ka na o mamaya pa?" I said and lightly smiled, feeling a little better. "I'm leaving, Jadie. At kung may maghahanap man sa'kin...." She trailed off. "Tell them not to look for me anymore." I nodded, understanding what she's trying to imply. "At pwede ba? Huwag kang umiyak?" She suddenly said that made me smile while I tried to stop myself from tearing up. "Ang sweet mo naman." "Ang pangit mo kaya umiyak." She said that pursed my lips. "Umalis ka na nga." I playfully pushed her shoulder. "Ang bad mo po. Makaalis na nga." She said and stood up. "Hatid pa kita?" I asked as my eyes follow her every move with a heavy feeling on my chest. "Huwag na. Magpahinga ka lang." She meaningfully said and waved goodbye before she opened the door and stepped out of my unit. And that's when my unshed tears rolled down my cheeks. Kung wala bang mahalaga sa akin wala rin bang mawawala sa'kin? I always do my best in everything that I do but sometimes the best doesn't make people satisfied, the best doesn't make people stay, the best doesn't mean you're enough. People admired me for my looks, my intelligence, my skills and my talents. Pero pa'no pala kung wala? What if I'm no longer talented, skilled and intelligent? What if I no longer look pleasing? Will I be enough? Will they still choose me? Would they choose to stay? They say that there is one person who could understand you when other people couldn't, one person who's willing to hold your hand when the worst catastrophe gets to you, one person who's willing to handle your monsters, one person who would accept your all with an open eye. There's parts of me I cannot conceal. I've tried and tried a thousand times but there he was meeting me halfway, aware of these certain parts of me. He was there with arms wide open when my head was bent down low, willing to welcome my greatest monsters as well as my dark side. With him I am accepted, with him I am at ease.