He Says She Says

Take Me Back

Chapter Fourteen

Take Me Back

(Lexine’s POV)

            Ayoko namang mag-mukhang tanga kaya hindi na ako ang nagpaunlak na maunang magsalita. Paniguradong mauutal ako kapag gano’n. Like haler? Hindi ko nga alam kung anong sumapi sa akin at pinapasok ko siya eh. Hindi ako ready. TT___TT

                 “Juice or coffee?” I asked him. Napaka-hostile ko naman kung hindi ko siya tatanungin kung anong gusto niyang inumin.

                 “No, I’m good.”

                 “Sigurado ka?”

            Tumango lang siya bilang sagot. I gestured him the couch so he can go sit on it. I joined him but I made sure na may space yung inuupuan naming dalawa. Mahirap na. =___=

                 “Kamusta?”

            That one question. I don’t know what to make of it. Kamusta? Ako kamusta? Kamusta nga ba ako? “I don’t know. Good I think? You?”

            The bitter smile crept up his lips when I asked him. Tumingin siya sa sahig habang gini-grip ng kamay niya ang isa pa niyang kamay. “Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko alam, Lex. Sa tingin mo, kamusta ako?”

            Nag-angat siya ng tingin, right then I saw his tantalizing blue orbs. But ironically, it felt like something had died there. It wasn’t nice to look at. It’s like everything that is in Bryce screams pain and loneliness. He wasn’t the same man that I know before. Sobrang laki na ng pinagbago niya. Hindi ko namalayan na nasasaktan ako sa nakikita ko. Gusto ko yung dating Bryce. The one who used to smile a lot, the one who used to tickle me till I died of laughter, the one who used to do crazy things to get himself out of boredom. The one who’s eyes glittered every hour, everyday.

            This is not Bryce. This is not my Bryce.

            Nakita ko rin yung dark line sa ilalim ng mata niya, it wasn’t that visible if you don’t look closely. He had a scar on the right side of his neck. Yung klase ng scar na parang may matalas na bagay na sumugat sa kanya. It’s too deep to not notice.

            What happened to him?

                 “Bryce… Seriously, don’t do this to me.”

                  “Do what? Not to make you feel guilty?” somehow, feeling ko rhetorical question ‘yon eh. “Why? Do you feel guilty now? You should be, you know!”

            Sabi ko na eh. Rhetorical question nga. Galing ko noh? Chos.

            Huminga ako ng malalim. You know ayoko talagang gawin ‘to eh. Pero mukhang nawawala siya sa lugar para manisi ng gano’n-gano’n lang. “It’s not entirely my fault, Bryce. Part mine, part yours. Hindi naman ako ang tangang nagtulak sa sarili ko para lumayo sa’yo. Ikaw.”

                 “I didn’t ask you to leave.” He hoarsed, his eyes filled with unshed tears and his hands are clenched into a tight fist. “I didn’t ask you to leave, Lex, you know that! I just asked you to stop but I never wanted you to leave! You left me!”

            So ano ‘to? Kasalanan ko pa? Langya naman oh!

                  “Baliw ka ba? Natural iiwan kita! Alangan namang andu’n lang ako habang ginagago mo’ko ng ginagago? The last time I checked hindi ako martyr! Mahal kita oo, pero hindi sa puntong tatayo ako do’n at panoorin kang saktan ang sarili mo ng paulit-ulit at saktan ako sa maling dahilan!”

                 “You knew…” he muttered, his eyes widening in realization.

            I took a gulp then nodded. “Hindi ako tanga. Alam ko kung anong ginagawa mo. I also know na kapag nakapag-desisyon ka na sa isang bagay wala nang makakapagpabago no’n. There’s no reason to change your mind, Bryce. I’ll just hurt myself. Masyado kong mahal ang sarili ko para hayaan kitang saktan ako ng gano’n. Wala na akong choice kung hindi umalis.”

            Nakatingin lang siya sa akin no’n na parang hindi siya makapaniwalang nagawa ko ‘yon. Na-guilty ako bigla.

                 “All these years akala ko hindi na kita makikita. Akala ko hindi ko na maipapaliwanag lahat-lahat ng ginawa ko. But it turns out alam mo lahat at hinayaan mo lang ako na kainin ng kunsensya ko! Hinayaan mo’ko dito, iniwan mo’ko, nagpakasaya ka sa London at hinayaan mo’kong mabulok dito mag-isa!”

                 “Gamitin mo nga ‘yang utak mo! Kung nanatili ako dito anong mangyayari? It’s either I’ll marry Vince or I’ll watch my own greedy father take over the Gonzales’ clan and have me under his hands! Wala akong makakapitan, Bryce! You ain’t got any backbone in yourself to be strong enough to stand for me, what’s there for me to do?”

            I think that hits home to him. Yung mga pinipigilan niyang luha kanina, nagtuloy-tuloy na sa pag-agos. Hindi ko alam kung alin do’n ang nag-trigger sa kanya to lose all his strength. Pero may hula akong yung huli kong sinabi ang may gawa no’n.

                  “I… I’m sorry… I’m sorry, Lex, I’m so sorry! Pero maniwala ka hinanap kita. Paulit-ulit kong tinanong sa kapatid mo kung nasa’n ka but she always manage to block me out. Hindi ko gustong umalis ka, hindi ko gustong itaboy ka. Gusto ko lang ng konti pang panahon para makapag-isip ng paraan para makuha kita ng hindi isinasakripisyo ang buhay mo. Natakot lang ako, Lex, natakot lang ako. Ayokong mabuhay kang sinisisi ang sarili mo kung bakit hindi mo pinili si Vince imbis na ako. Wala akong kayang ibigay sa’yo. Gusto kong itapon ang buhay ko para lang makasama ka, handa akong gawin ‘yon pero paano ka? Paano ang buhay mo? Paano kita bubuhayin kung wala akong ibang sinasandalan kung hindi ang pamilya ko? Hindi ko gustong gawin lahat ng ‘yon. Ibinigay ko sa’yo lahat-lahat, Lex. Mahal kita, mahal kita higit sa sarili ko. Alam mo ‘yon. Pero ang isipin ko palang na malalagay ka sa mahirap na sitwasyon dahil sa pagiging makasarili ko, hindi ko kaya ‘yon. Kaya pa’no? Pa’no ko gagawin lahat-lahat?”

            Ramdam ko ang likidong pumatak sa lap ko. Kinapa ko ang pisngi ko, I figured it out that instant. Tears. Again, I found myself crying upon seeing Bryce in tears. Pagkatapos ng tatlong taon akala ko kahit na katiting mawawala na kahit papaano ang mga epekto niya sa akin. Na pagkatapos ng tatlong taon, kahit papaano hindi na ako maaapektuhan ng kahit na anong gagawin niya. Afterall mas madali sa’kin kung wala na siyang epekto.

            Mas madaling humingi ng tawad. Mas madali ko na siya mapapakawalan. Mas madali na akong makakawala. Mas madali ko nang masasabi na isinusuko ko na ang kung anumang namagitan sa amin noon dahil wala na siyang epekto sa’kin.

            Pero ano ‘to? Andito na naman ako. Balik sa una. Balik sa dati. Balik sa pagmamahal sa kanya.

                 “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it like that, Bryce. I understand you. It’s just… I don’t know, I don’t know what to say.”

            Tumingin siya sa akin. Nagmamakaawa ang mga mata niya. The same eyes that I saw last night. It’s like he’s begging me to put him out of his misery. My heart melted with that. All the years of effort… it’s been put into waste the moment that he looks at me like that.

            Inangat ko ang kamay ko, attempting to reach him. But instead he threw himself at me the moment he saw what I’m trying to do. He settled his head into my right neck. “I love you. I still love you, too much that it hurts me. That it kills me inside. I want you, Lex. I want you back. Take me back please. We could work things out. I’ll make it work, I’m ready now.”

                 “But… but I’m not. Paano ako makakaalis ng Gonzales clan? Paano yung—”

                 “You don’t need them. We’ll figure things out, Lex. Please just… just take me back. I’ll do everything you ask me. I’ll do everything if it means we can be together. I’d do anything for you just take me back.”

            The agony in his voice was audible. His body was shaking while desperately tightening his embrace on me. He nuzzled my neck, I could feel the tears starting to wet my skin. Hindi ko mapigilang isipin kung gaano nga ba kahirap sa kanya ang mag-isa sa lugar na ‘to. Kung gaano kahirap mabuhay habang itinatapon mo ang sarili mong buhay at the same time.

                 “Ssh. Bryce, tama na.”

                 “Sabihin mo muna. Sabihin mong hindi ka na aalis, na hindi mo na ako iiwan. Mangako ka sa’kin. Kailangan mong mangako.”

                 “The last time I promised, I failed.”

            Naramdaman ko siyang umiling ng paulit-ulit. Like a poor kid shaking his head while crying. “Kailangan mong mangako. Kailangan ko ng pangha-hawakan. Hindi mo alam kung gaano kasakit ang maiwan dito na walang kahit na anong balita o kahit na anong ideya kung nasaan ka. Ni hindi ko alam kung babalik ka pa o hindi na. Hindi mo alam kung gaano kahirap mabuhay na wala ka namang nakikitang dahilan para mabuhay. Hindi mo alam ‘yon, Lex. Ipinagdamot mo sa’kin lahat. Ipinagdamot mo sa’king makausap ka maski malaman kung nasaan ka o kung maayos ka ba sa kinalalagyan mo. Para akong mababaliw sa kakaisip sa’yo. Kailangan ko ng pangako mo, kailangan kong maniwala sa pangako mo, Lex, or else I’ll go nuts kapag umalis ka ulit!”

            Mariin akong napapikit. Why do I have a terrible knack of regretting things I have already done? Bakit ba ang hilig kong gumawa ng mga bagay na pagsisisihan ko sa bandang huli? Sadya bang tanga ako o sadyang ginagawa ko lang ang naiisip kong tama sa mga panahong ‘yon?

                 “Promise me…” he pleaded again. Ramdam ko ang paghigpit ng yakap niya sa waist ko.

                 “Yes. Yes, I promise. I won’t leave you again, I mean it.” This time I do mean it.

            Dahan-dahan siyang nag-angat ng paningin sa’kin. His face was so soaked with tears. “You’re taking me back, Lex?” he asked in a small voice na parang nag-aalinlangan siya kung gusto niyang marinig ang sagot o magtatakip na lang siya ng tenga.

            I smiled then gave him a small peck on the lips. “Yes, I am.”

(Bryce’s POV)

                 “Jerk. I wish I had never knew you.”

            It took me minutes to recover after the door slammed shut. My eyes were filled with tears again. My heart was racing so fast in my chest. Fvck…

                 “L-Lex…?”

            I ran outside to search for her. She’s gone. She’s not here. She left me…

                 “Lex? Lex! Lex, I’m sorry! Lex, asan ka? You can’t leave me like this please, I’m sorry! It’s all a lie, come back now!”

            God… oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God… what did I do? What did I do?

            My eyes shot open and I instantly found myself with tears in my eyes while holding Lex who’s sleeping in my chest as she was straddling my lap. Na-realize kong nasa kama kami at nakatulog kami ng gano’ng ayos habang nakasandal ako sa mga unan. My heart clenched tightly remembering that dream. It wasn’t a dream. It happened a little around three or four years ago but it has become a nightmare for me.

            This is why I hate sleeping.

            Nadako ang paningin ko kay Lex na himbing sa pagtulog. Humigpit ang yakap ko sa kanya. I have to assure myself that she’s here. She’s here now, she wouldn’t leave me. Not again. Hindi ko na kakayanin ‘yon.

            Tatlong taon. Ni hindi ko alam kung paano ako tumagal ng tatlong taon. Sa loob ng tatlong taon nawala sa’kin ang lahat. Ang mga magulang ko, ang dati kong buhay, ang unit ko, ang mga kotse ko, ang mga pera ko pero higit sa lahat… pinaka-nasaktan ako nung mawala si Lex sa’kin. Kaya ko lahat-lahat, h’wag si Lex. H’wag siya. Nawalan na ako ng saysay simula noon. Hindi ko na nga alam kung bakit humihinga pa rin ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit.

            I remember myself falling apart slowly. I didn’t spend my time and my money so wisely. I got involved into too many things that I couldn’t even begin to start re-counting it. From gamblings to liquors, from jumping into one trouble to another. Name every bad thing that is out there, I did it.

            Even drugs…

            They said they help you numb the pain. They said they make you forget the pain. They didn’t. They just help me relieve the longing. Some days I’d take them to be able to dream. To dream that she’s just here. That everything’s fine. That she didn’t left. That she loves me, that she cares for me, that she kisses me to help me get over the tremendous pain I was feeling.

            But when it’s over… it’s over for me as well. Back to being dead. Back to missing her. Back to the same old s**t I’ve been doing until I can take one again.

            It took me long before I re-gathered the little remnants of my life and do something about it. It’s a big help that Ana helped me through it all. But it’s just a little piece of recovery. Somewhere inside me, there’s a huge hole missing and it doesn’t feel too good. It kills me every fvcking time I breathe. It tortures me every freakin’ morning that I wake up and I find her side of the bed empty.

            Akala ko mababaliw na ako. I used to think na sa mental hospital ang labas ko one of these days. I’ve been thinking of that for the past three years. It’s either I slipped out of sanity and give up on living or I’ll go nuts and they’ll bring me to some mental facility.

            Who would’ve guessed I’ll be fortunate enough to hold on for dear life until she comes back? Who would’ve guessed I’ll still be here, cradling her while she’s sleeping?

            I guess no one. Everybody said I’m a lost cause. My parents gave up on me, my friends gave up on me, the school gave up on me, I gave up on myself. What’s left for me out there?

            Nothing. Except Lex.

                 “Bryce? Hey, you should be sleeping. It’s late. Nangangawit ka na ba? Gusto mong mahiga?”

            I shook my head at lalong hinigpitan ang yakap ko sa kanya. Natatakot akong magising tapos malalaman kong puro panaginip lang ang lahat. Natatakot ako ng sobra-sobra na malaman na kapag gumising ako wala na siya sa tabi ko, hindi ko na siya makikita. Natatakot akong ma-realize na baka isa lang ‘to sa mga panaginip ko na dala ng mga gamot na ‘yon.

            Ayoko… Ayoko…

                 “Okay ka lang ba?”

            Automatically, I leaned into her touch and closed my eyes. This is not a dream. I hope this is not a dream. Please tell me this is real.

                 “Bryce. Tinatakot mo’ko, anong nangyayari?”

                 “Nothing.” My voice croaked and I opened my eyes just to see her staring straight into me with a puzzled expression. “Nothing, baby. Nothing. Matulog ka na ulit.”

                  “Eh ayoko na. Nag-aalala ako sa’yo. Kung hindi ka matutulog, de hindi ako matutulog.”

                 “Lex, sinabi ko na wala ‘to. Matulog ka na. I’m having fun watching you sleep, you know that?”

            She looked at me like she’s analyzing if I was really telling the truth or not. But then she adjusted herself and settle her face buried to my neck. “Tell me first… what happened to this scar?”

            Crap. She must have sensed that I tensed with the question. She surely sensed it. Anong sasabihin ko? “Lex…”

                  “Don’t even try to lie, Bryce. Kilala kita. Gusto ko lang malaman kung anong nangyari.”

            Bumuntong hininga ako. I guess it’s better I tell her everything than prolong everything. “When you left… not long after that I engaged into… some activities that are rather not nice. Some of them are dangerous. I spent my money on either gambling or… or…”

                 “Or?” she prompted.

                 “Or drugs.”

            Tumingin siya sa akin na parang itinatanong niya kung nahihibang na ba ako. I leaned down to kiss her forehead, savoring the moment that I still have her here in case I find myself waking up from this dream. “Bryce? The story?”

            Kumalas ako at nakangiting tumingin sa kanya. How I love those eyes.

                 “I was involved into some.… some group. Huge dealers. I uhm… I deal with them. A year ago I had to stop the usage. Or at least trim it down. They didn’t wanna let go of me. So…”

                 “They hurt you?”

            I nodded. “A bit. They held me for two days, the scar is something that reminds me how… how they were too eager to kill me if I don’t continue the transaction with them. It’s fine now, they’re in jail, I handled the matter. Don’t ask how.”

            Her sight turned on my neck. Naramdaman kong hinahaplos ng daliri niya ang parte ng scar na ‘yon. My heart clenched at the feel of it. “Did it hurt, baby?”

            Tumango ako. It sure hurt a lot. “Yes. I guess it does hurt. But I was too numb to feel anything back then.”

                 “Oh Bryce… How could you do this to yourself?”

            Hindi ako sumagot. Instead I held on her hands and pulled her face to mine, I leaned my forehead against hers then closed my eyes. “I love you. I love you very much.”

            I was hoping against hope na sasabihin rin niya ‘yon sa’kin. But she didn’t. Instead she asked: “Did it really hurt?”

                 “It hurts, Lex. It does hurts a lot.”

            The next thing I knew, she’s kissing my neck. Ah no, scratch that. She’s kissing my scar so gently. Too gentle and too good that it made me tilt my head upwards to give her access as my eyes were shut close.

                 “I love you too, Bryce. So if something is hurting you, tell me, I’ll make it feel better.”

            Binuksan ko ang mata ko para titigan siya. I smiled when I saw the assurance in her eyes. For the first time in three years I smiled truthfully.

            I leaned forward and collided her lips with mine. All that was there is bliss. Pure bliss. My fingers traced her cheeks to her hair brushing them slowly. I missed feeling like this. I missed this. How I miss loving her. How I miss kissing her. How bad I missed her.

            Maybe I deserve Lex. Maybe I really deserve her. I lost my faith a long time ago that I’ll ever be with her but God brought her back to me. Luluhod ako sa harapan ng kahit na sino kung may kakayahan silang ibalik sa’kin si Lex. Handa akong magpakababa, handa kong ipahiya ang sarili ko para sa mga pagkakataong ‘to.

                 “I love you…” I whispered as her lips curved into a smile mirroring mine.

                 “I love you too…”

            Handa kong gawin ang lahat para dito, para sa kanya. Gagawin ko lahat-lahat para mayakap siya, para makita siyang natutulog ng mahimbing na may ngiti sa labi, para mahalikan siya ng paulit-ulit, para mahaplos ko ang buhok niya, para maamoy ko ang bango niya, para makita siyang tumatawa, para marinig na sinasabi niyang mahal niya ako.

            It’s funny how she could light up my world in an instant but she also had the strange ability to crash that same world apart in just a quick snap. Para bang may dala siyang switch. Para siyang may hinahatak na tali sa loob ko. When she left, everything in me crumbled to the point that there is nothing left there.

            But the moment she came back… everything’s just simply… bright. Thrice the impact. Thrice from before.

            And she knows this. If she’ll leave me again, she knows I wouldn’t be able to hold it altogether. I’m done then. But still… I wouldn’t regret anything. From being her childhood friend, from being born with her, from falling in love with her till the day that she left me, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

            At kahit sa kabilang buhay, gagawin ko ulit lahat ng ginawa ko if it means being together with her no matter how long or short it lasts.

            I’ll do it. Mahal na mahal ko si Lex. Gagawin ko lahat para sa kanya. Lahat-lahat. Mahal ko siya, mahal na mahal ko siya at walang ibang may kayang magpabago ng katotohanang ‘yon.