The Forbidden Man

Chapter 14- Girlfriend

I just can't put two and two together. He's making it so jumbled and incoherent that it's hard to follow. This makes no sense! To what end am I working on this? Where is he going, and what are we doing?

Nonetheless, I still had to fight my moral convictions. But here I am, sitting across from him, enjoying a lovely lunch in their vineyard as the sun shines and the birds sing.

The boy can't stop grinning.

I just experienced some very odd feelings that I simply refuse to believe. I'd like to think that I'm not as susceptible to crime as I am.

Only if... I was born the same year or at least closer to his age and I am not his teacher and he is not my student.

If only...

Kung sana naiba lang talaga ang pangyayari.

And only if it happened years in the future. Iyong hindi siya menor de edad baka... Napailing ako. Hindi ko pa rin kakayaning pumatol sa mas bata sa akin ng ilang taon.

Hindi.

"Salamat nong Dalon," sabi ni Axis sa kanyang butler at driver nang may ngiti.

Pagkatapos ng main course ay nag-serve naman ngayon ng dessert ang tinatawag nitong Nong Dalon, para itong waiter at pormal nakasuit pa at may panyo sa braso para sa wine.

Inilibot niya ako sa bahay niya. Tanging kasambahay lamang ang nandoon.

Nakilala ko ang mabait at palangiting kasambahay nila iyong tinatawag niyang Nong Dalon lamang ang seryoso.

Dalawang palapag ang bahay. Malaki ito at may modernong disenyo. Kaakit-akit kung paanong moderno ang labas ng bahay pero sa loob ay may disenyo ng medieval style.

What I see before me is an exact replica of the drawing I saw of the castle in Hinton Ampner, Hampshire. Incredible beauty can be found within.

Dinala niya ako sa Cellar nila. Pinatikim niya sa akin ang ibang grape wine, may wine na gawa rin sa lomboy, akala ko ay nakakadiri iyong mango wine pero masarap din pala.

I am really grateful that my birthday was celebrated in such a wonderful way like this. Although this was the first year that I spent my birthday on my alone, I can honestly say that I never felt lonely.

Linggo ngayon kaya advance ang naging celebration ng mga co-teachers ko sa aking kaarawan noong isang araw.

Nakakausap ko lang ang aking pamilya sa telepono, ngayon ay nagsisilebra ako kasama ang batang 'to.

"Thank you," sabi ko nang iminuwestra niya sakin ang upuan.

Ngayon ay nakaupo kami sa balcony habang nakatanaw sa malawak na vineyard nila na nasa likurang bahagi ng bahay, para akong reyna sa temang ito.

"I'll turn seventeen on the twenty-third of this month, so the age difference is still seven, right?" he stated with a quaver in his voice but a childlike grin on his face.

Natawa ako sa tensiyong nakita sa mata nito.

"Yes, and that still does not change the fact that I am older than you." Tumatawang sabi ko.

"Does that mean we were meant to be together? We share the same birth month," anito,, hindi pinansin ang aking sinabi.

Saka ko lang nalaman na magkapareho ang birth month namin na June, pero ako three siya naman ay sa twenty-three. Kahit sa petsa ng panganakan ay nauna ako.

"It means... after this... I will be your teacher and you will be my student, again," diin kong sabi upang makuha niya ang nais kong sabihin.

Hindi siya nagbigay ng ibang emosyon kaya kahit medyo masakit ay parang gusto ko ring matuwa dahil kahit papaano ay nakikitaan ko siyang maaring... hindi niya na nga itutuloy ito.

"Bakasyon pa naman, ayoko pang teacher kita." Nakatingin siya sa malayo nang sabihin niya iyon.

"Don't push it anymore. I care for you, Axis. I want only the best for you, and I know what's best for you—"

"You are not my mother to tell me what's best for me. Right now, you are what's best for me," he said in a low, muffled voice.

I froze, whatever words I had next dying in my throat as I stared at him. His words sound sweet, but they land harshly in my ears, and I find myself clenching my fists on my lap.

A kid confessing to his teacher might sound like something every girl in love would want to hear, but in my case, it only makes things worse. If anyone were to witness this, I'm certain it would spark nothing but scandal and controversy.

Ang alam lang naman ng kasama niya dito sa vista ay iginala niya lang ako bilang guro niya walang eskandalo pa roon dahil iginala rin naman ako ng ibang estudyante at atleta ko noong disyembre.

And the fact that his words had even the slightest effect on me is something I refuse to consider appropriate—something I do not wish to welcome, no matter if it leaves me uneasy, awkward, or anything in between.

"Listen first." Bumaling ako sa kanya para makita nya ang gusto kong ipunto. "You try the other girls, girls your age, try it first," pagpatuloy ko habang kinakalma ko ang aking sarili.

"Are you suggesting that I should become a playboy?"

"No. No, I mean, if ahm... someone will confess again, try to—"

"That's still being a playboy, I like someone else, why would I give them a chance? Niloloko ko na nga sarili ko idadamay ko pa sila?" sabi nitong may pangungunot ng noo. He's got a point there, hindi ko lang masabi sa kanyang matured siya sa part na iyon.

"Those girls confessed their love everyday and I rejected them and I was too, for several times I was rejected too. The irony, really." Malungkot ang ngisi niya.

Nais ko siyang aluin ngunit ayaw kong magpatuloy pa ito.

Isa itong kasalanan.

Kasalanan ito para sa akin kaya hinding-hindi ako bibigay kahit nakakaramdam ako ng kakaiba, hindi ko pagbibigyan ang sarili namin, dahil isa itong kasalanan.

"Because I am your teacher and you are my student. You can't question that Axis, that's an ethic—"

"You are talking about ethics as if my feelings for you are immoral!"

"You're only a kid! I am your instructor, and you are my student. The ethics demand that you say no. It's only admiration, and it'll go away if you start entertaining other girls." I pleaded and my voice croaked out in desperation. And I'm not a pedophile!

"Stop degrading my feelings just because you are years older than me please, miss. I know what I feel. I know that I love you. I really do." Tumataas baba ang dibdib niya sa hindi normal na pamamaraan.

Sa buong usapan namin ay titig na titig kami sa isa't-isa.

"You don't love me, you only like me. Do not confuse yourself with those words because they have different meanings."

"I love you and I can prove it to you."

He is so rigorous that I can't just dump all my logical arguments into his brain.

"I don't want you to prove it. You are a kid, period," I said with finality. "Stop it."

You are not a pedophile! Marionelia–take a grip on yourself.

It took only months for my heart to like him back, and I hated myself for the sudden loss of the wall I built.

It was as if I were sinking in quicksand, unable to get myself out, helpless by being trounced because I was slain by him several times.

Every time I rejected him, I insulted his age and belittled his feelings. I was also receiving the same number of rips.

Kaya't tumutok na lang ako sa aking trabaho nang maiwala ang ano mang naiisip ko patungkol sa mga bagay na hindi ko dapat na bigyan ng pansin.

Gagala ako kapag niyaya ng mga kasamahan, tapos aabalahin ang sarili sa pag-aarak ko sa aking masters studies.

Nag-iba na rin ako ng numero para hindi niya na ako matawagan.

Hindi ko maaaring salubungin ang isang damdaming panandalian lamang. Mawawala rin ito.

Kapag may vacant ay pupunta akong Guimaras para dalawin ang Auntie ko at kapag siguro'y nakakapagpahinga na ako ay dadalawin ko ang aking magulang sa Maynila.

Alas onse ng gabi nang makarinig ako ng sunod-sunod na katok sa aking pintuan, nagpupungas pa ako dahil nakatulog na sana ako nang mahimbing.

"I'm sorry."

Iyon agad ang bungad niya, akala ko ay emergency at gawa ng katabi ko sa apartment na ito dahil sa sunod-sunod ang katok na animo'y napakaimortante.

Papaano siya nakapasok?

"Anong ginagawa mo rito? Gabing-gabi na Axis," bulong ko at mabilis na lumingon sa bawat gilid nito nang idinungaw ko ang ulo sa labas ng pintuan.

Tugas talaga ng ulo, akala ko pa naman nagkasundo na kami.

Pero paano nga ba naman kami magkakasundo e hindi nga natapos nang maayos ang usapan namin noong kaarawan ko.

Umuwi ako nang araw na iyon na hindi natapos nang maayos ang usapan namin.

At ito na ulit ang muling pagkikita namin matapos ang tagpong iyon noong kaarawan ko.

"If I follow you. Will you give back the favor I want?"

Napakunot ang noo ko sa itinanong niya. At mabilis ko siyang hinila sa loob nang may marinig akong boses sa kabilang dako ng apartment.

"Anong favor?" Humalukipkip ako.

"Let me stay here until my birthday ends," saad nito.

Napalingon ako sa wall clock ko sa maliit na sala.

Ngayon ko lang naalala, twenty-three na pala ngayon, isang oras at tatlumpong minuto na lang ay mag-aalas dose na.

"And?" Muli ko siyang tiningnan nang nakataas ang kilay.

Napansin ko ang paglunok niya. "Susundin ko ang gusto mo... iiwas ako," anito.

Tumango ako kahit medyo masakit sa totoo lang... pero gusto kong ipaibabaw ang prinsipyong pinanghahawakan ko at ngayon hindi na magiging mahirap iyon sa akin kaya nginitian ko siya.

"Sige." Naglakad ako papunta sa mesa ng kusina. "Kumain ka na ba?"

"I have one more favor to ask," sabi nitong nakasunod sa akin.

Napataas iyong dalawa kong kilay at talagang sasamantalahin niya nalalabing oras.

"Ano naman 'yon?"

Gusto kong ipakita sa kanyang nababagot ako na hindi ako interesado. Nang nikingon ko siya'y nakitaan ko ang pagdaan ng sakit sa mga mata niya.

Pasensiya na Axis pero hindi ako maaaring bumigay sa isang batang tulad mo.

"Can you be my girlfriend until midnight?"

Napangiwi ako nang marinig iyon pero bigla ko namang naramdaman ang pag-iinit ng aking pisngi at leeg, ngunit mas pinili kong tawanana ang sinabi niya, nakakatawa kayang isipin ang ganoon.

"Nagpapatawa ka ba?" Hindi ko alam kung tatawa ba ako pero ang seryoso niyang tignan.

"I just want to feel... what it's like. How will it be if you are my girlfriend, without you caring what others think of this circumstance, and without you considering ethics? I'm curious how it feels if you begin to overlook your treatment of me as a kid. I just want to know how to be a boyfriend to the woman I like... Exactly one hour and twenty-eight minutes..."

Napapailing ako, napakabilis ng pangyayari na kung tutuusin ay buwan lang din ang lumipas nang umamin ito. Pero ang bilis ko lang maakit sa isang ipinagbabawal na liwanag.

Bumuntong-hininga ako.

Buwan nga lang ba, Marionelia o baka taon na rin?

Ako rin Axis... gusto ko ring maramdaman kahit saglit na walang barrier sa ating dalawa, iyong walang pader sa ating nakaharang, gusto ko rin.

Saglit akong natulala sa aking naisip at nasabi, isang kasalanan, isang kalokohan na naisip ko iyon, hindi ako pwedeng bumigay, Ethics must take precedence over everything, including this insignificant sensation I had.

Naririnig ko ang makasalanang sarili kong nagsasalita at hindi ko alam kung matatanggap ko ba ito sa oras na tumino na naman ang isip ko nang tuluyan.

Dahil sa totoo lang hindi ako matino ngayong kaharap siya.

"S-sige..." sabi ko ko na may kasamang panginginig, sa kaba at pagkabigla sa aking pagsang-ayon.

Tensiyonado siyang ngumiti. "Do you have any leftovers from the viand you cooked?" tanong nito.

Napatikhim ako at tumango kalaunan.

"D-do you like cookies?" I still have some of those cookies from yesterday." Nginitian ko siya nang matipid.

This is not a play, Axis. This is the me who aspires to satisfy her wistful fantasies as well.

"Really?" Lumapit siya sa akin nang kunin ko iyon sa maliit kong fridge, may warm cookies din ako sa box at iyon na lang ang ibibigay kong regalo sa kanya.

Nang mailagay ko iyon sa platito ay agad niyang tinikman ang cookie.

"Ang sarap nito ah." Ngumiti siya, nais kong ngumiti ngunit mabilis akong tumalikod sa kanya para roon na lang ngumiti.

Tinalian ko ng ribbon ang metal box na nilagyan ko ng cookies at mga disenyo.

"Regalo ko sa birthday mo," sabi ko habang inabot sa kanya iyon.

Nakita ko ang pagkagulat at pagngiti niya nang makita iyong inabot ko.

Pinagsiklop ko ang aking malabi upang mapigilan ang sarili sa ano pang kahibangang masasabi ko.

"Thank you." Tumawa ito na parang batang akala mo ang laking halaga nang ibinigay ko.

Naalala ko, hindi ko pala nakuha iyong regalo niya sa akin.

Umupo ako sa harap niya nang maglapag ako ng dalawang tasa ng tsaa. "Nakalimutan kong itanong pero nakakain ka na ba ng dinner mo?"

"Hindi pa."

His smiles were so heartwarming that they rendered me speechless.

Marionelia, this is a grave sin. No, not at all. I'm not acting unethically in any way. Just watching him from a safe distance, meters away at all times, is enough for me.

"Sige sandali lang." Tumayo akong muli.

Ininit ko ang ulam na afritada sa microwave at inilagay sa hapag niya. Muntikan niya nang maubos ang cookies.

"Do you like cookies?" tanong ko at umiling siya.

"Not exactly, but the way you baked it was very good. The sweetness level is low." Itinabi niya muna ang platito ng cookies at nagsimulang kumain, tumango-tango siya habang ngumunguya.

"Di ka ba nagdinner? Wala bang birthday celebration?" Wala sa loob na pinunasan ko ang gilid ng bibig niya nang tumigil ito sa pagnguya ay doon lang ako natauhan.

Mabilis akong tumayo at hinawakan ang mga daliri ko, nanginginig iyon sa takot, nakakatakot palang palayain ang kagustuhan ko laban sa pinaniniwalaan ko at laban sa batas.

"U-uhm... that's what a girlfriend should do right?" My hands were shaking as I asked, and my dread was palpable. Even while he glanced at it, I noticed that he bit his bottom lip as if he were fighting the want to speak.

"There's no need to exert any extra effort, miss. Simply welcoming me into your home and accommodating my every wish is greatly appreciated. His genuine grin is soothing and warms the heart.

When I accidentally brushed the side of his lips with my thumb, it felt like it had been burned. I knew I shouldn't get too close to the forbidden light, but I didn't expect it to be fire.

Like a prayer, I recited my personal code of ethics and guiding principles.

Tumango ito at ngumiti matapos makabawi sa gulat na aking ginawa.

Muli na naman itong sumubo.

At kapag nalulunok niya na iyong kinakain niya ay tatanungin niya ako tungkol sa pamilya ko, mga kapatid, at magulang ko.

"Your loved ones are therefore precious and sacred.?" tanong niya at tapos na siyang kumain kaya't inabutan ko siya ng tubig.

"Don't mock us like that!" Pero nakatawa naman ako habang pinapaikutan ko siya ng mata.

"It seems like it," saad nito at inirapan ko siya.

"How many exes do you have, if you don't mind?" tanong niya matapos ang ilang minutong katahimikan.

"Only one." Tipid akong ngumiti.

"Was he the reason why? I mean, you still love him?" Tutok na tutok ang mga mata niya sa akin, itinukod niya pa ang braso niya sa mesa.

Umiling ako sa kanyang tanong.

"Would I have had a chance if I were older or the same age as you?"

"You had, 'di ba boyfriend kita ngayon?" Pabiro kong sabi.

"I seriously want to know, miss."

Kapag ganito siya kaseryoso, nagmumukha siyang matured, he looks like he was taking everything around him maturely.

Surprisingly, you are a brilliant kid—"

"Scratch the word, kid." Naiiritang sabi niya.

"You are a good boy." Mas lalo lang ata siyang nainis, kaya siniguro kong pagaanin ang sitwasyon at tinampal ng mahina ang kanyang braso. "You don't play girls, that's good." Tumango-tango ako. "You're a surprisingly good kid, and that's saying something. I mean, you seemed like the kind of person who is too arrogant, rude, and self-centered... you know, the type that believes he's better than everyone else." Matipid akong ngumiti at ganoon din siya.

"Thank goodness you no longer think negatively of me." Nakangiti itong sabi at sinagot ko iyon ng tango ting may ngiti.

"You look like a model, and you're attractive to boot." When I chuckled, his expression changed from one of surprise to one of awkwardness. "You look remarkably mature for your young years. I told you straight up that a female would be swooning at the sight of your quirky, thoughtful, and charming side."

"But if you want an answer if you ever get the chance when we're the same age, I honestly can't answer that, maybe ask me again when you're thirty?" I added and gave him a cynical grin, and he seemed to reflect on it.

"The girl I adore doesn't have the slightest interest in me. And she disliked me even as a student. It was so nice of you, miss, that you started heaping praise on me before summarily dismissing me." A vague and hazy grin formed on his face.

"I don't!" All of my compliments are genuine. Yes, I dislike you as a student, you should be a better student." pagbawi ka ay sinangayunan ko naman ang sinabi niya sa pagiging hindi niya maayos na estudnyante.

After hearing what I had to say, he grinned in a sarcastic way and let out a bark of laughter.

"Sorry, nagpapansin lang baka mapansin." Hindi nawala ang tawa nito nang sabihin iyon kaya napaikot ko nag aking mata.

"You are meant to meet me so that you can learn that you are capable of loving a girl more than you thought you could love me. This is why you are here. "

"Yes," he said while nodding his head, like he finally understood my point. "I was supposed to meet you and love you, but I can never have you because of my age," he continued. I can see his eyes light up with sorrow and loss of hope as he comes to terms with his defeat.

'Please forgive me, Axis... I'm sorry, but I just won't be able to help. I do not wish to go on with this.'