Artamiel: The Black Angel

Chapter 8| Reclamation

I wish I can be someone like Artamiel. I wish I have variations of personalities I can choose from whenever I like. I wish I can be someone else. 

I wish I can just forget about everything. 

But I am stuck. 

"Nixon, okay lang ba 'to?" nag-aalalang tanong ko habang nakasunod kay Nixon.

Foundation week ng RUA ngayon kaya walang mga klase. Tahimik na nakaupo lang ako sa loob ng room namin na walang tao. Students were either on the gymnasium, on the main campus of RUA, or enjoying the stalls and booths on the Students' Park. Everyone were free to do whatever they want, as long as they're inside the campus and following some rules.

Most students were mingling with college students. They're enjoying the club activities and bazaars on the main campus. After all, it's the only time of the year where students from RUA-HS are allowed on RUA.

Nixon found me on our room and he declared he's taking me home. Hindi pa ako pumapayag ay hinala na n'ya ang kamay ko.

"I told Mrs. Ponciano that you're not feeling well, and I am taking you home," he said as we walk down the hallway.

I kept my mouth shut and just followed him. Ayoko din naman dito sa school. I don't feel like trying hard to blend with others. I am tired of trying to befriends with others.

Kung ayaw nila sa akin, kahit na wala akong ginagawa sa kanila, tanggap ko na. Ayoko nang patunayan ang sarili ko.

Dahil sa kagustuhan ko na matanggap ako ng iba, naging mahina ako, naging sunud-sunuran ako, at pumapayag ako sa lahat ng gusto nila. Dahil ayoko na mainis si Luca sa akin, dahil na ayaw ko na mainis ang mga kaibigan n'ya, pinagbigyan ko sila. At dahil sa mahinang pagkatao ko, napahamak ako.

Because I was desperate to please them, to make them my friends, I put myself in danger.

And I am tired of that Prudence. I am tired of trying to make myself matter to others. Kung balewala ako sa kanila, hahayaan ko na lang.

Nixon opened the backseat door of their car. Pareho kaming tahimik hanggang sa makarating kami sa bahay.

"Wala po sila, ma'am Pru. Hindi pa po umuuwi," sabi ng isa sa mga kasambahay namin na sumalubong sa amin nang itanong ko ang pamilya ko.

"Okay lang po. Maaga pa naman po kasi," sabi ko at inanyayahan si Nixon sa sala.

"Pasensya na, Nixon. Naka-istorbo pa ako sa'yo," nahihiyang sabi ko habang naka-upo kami sa sala. Nagpadala na ako ng snacks at drinks namin.

Sumimangot si Nixon sa akin. "It was my decision, Pru."

I bit my lip then I bowed my head. "S-Sorry."

Sa totoo lang ay kinakabahan ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano ba ang dapat na i-akto sa harap ni Nixon. He's intimidating. Kapag nasa harap ko s'ya, dumodoble ang pagiging mahiyain ko. Ayoko na maging kapintas-pintas sa harap n'ya.

Pero sirang-sira na ako. Lalo na sa kanya. Dahil alam n'ya kung paanong sira na ako. I was tainted. I was wrecked.

Our helpers served us slices of cakes and cups of tea. They said they're already preparing for lunch.

"Dito ka na mag-lunch?" nag-aalinlangang tanong ko kay Nixon. Hindi ko kasi alam kung hinatid n'ya lang ba talaga ako, o kung gusto n'ya mag-stay.

I know that I am not a fun person to hang out with. Boring akong tao.

Nixon nodded then he reached for the plate of cake. He started eating.

Nakaramdam ako ng gutom kaya kumain na din ako. Pareho kaming tahimik hanggang sa maubos namin ang mga pagkain.

"About what happened that night," he started after finishing a slice of cake.

I felt a tight clench on my chest.

"I-I want to forget about it," I said in a shaky voice. Tears already brimming my eyes.

Napapiksi ako nang hawakan n'ya ako sa braso. Sobrang rahan ng pagkakahawak n'ya sa akin. Unlike the touch that haunts me at night.

"You're spacing out because if that, Pru. Mas matahimik ka na ngayon kaysa noon. You can't move on from that if you're not going to deal with it," he said in a firm tone.

I found myself hugging him. I badly need this. Comforting.

I have no friends. I can't tell my family. Wala akong mapag-labasan ng mga hinanakit ko.

And Nixon is the only one for me. Kahit na ang sakit na ang dumi ko na para sa kanya, s'ya lang ang pwede kong masabihan ng bigat ng loob ko. He knows.

"C-Can we go to my room?" I asked as I wiped my tears away.

Nakita ko kung paano s'yang nabigla.

I bit my lip. "A-Ayoko na pag-usapan na may ibang nakakarinig. Sasabihin nila kay Mommy. A-Ayoko na malaman ni Mommy. I don't want to upset my mother. I don't want to mess my family."

It took him some moment before he nodded. Nauna na s'yang tumayo sa akin at kinuha ang kamay ko.

"I understand," he gave me a curt smile then he squeezed my hand.

I took a deep breath then I raised from my seat. I gasped when Nixon intertwined our fingers. He rubbed his thumb on the back of my palm. "I am here to listen, Pru. If you don't want others to know about it, then I'll be all you need."

A sobbed escaped my throat. I bit my lower lip to keep myself from breaking down. It's overwhelming to hear those words from him. 

I am falling deeper for Nixon. And it's not a good thing because I don't deserve him anymore. I am not the pure, innocent girl anymore. I was tainted by an incubus. 

Another deep breath, then I started walking towards my room. My heart beat erratically as we ascended the stairs. I held my breath as I turn the knob of my room. 

"T-Tuloy ka," mahinang sabi ko at nilakihan ang bukas ng pinto.

Hawak pa din ni Nixon ang kamay ko nang humakbang s'ya papasok ng silid ko. Agad na gumala ang mga mata n'ya sa kulay pink ng kwarto ko. 

"Girly," he chuckled.

Naramdaman ko ang pag-iinit ng mga pisngi ko. 

"You're too adorable, Prudence," medyo malambing na sabi n'ya. 

Hindi ako nakasagot sa sinabi n'ya. Binitiwan ko na lang ang kamay n'ya para buksan ang aircon at para maisara ang pinto. Umupo naman si Nixon sa paanan ng kama ko. 

Humarap ako sa dresser ko at tinanggal ko ang cardigan na suot ko. Na agad ko din namang itinigil, pero huli na. Mabilis na tumayo si Nixon at lumapit sa akin. Pinigilan n'ya ang mga kamay ko na nag-aangat ng cardigan at muling ibinaba iyon. Nawala sa loob ko ang dahilan kung bakit ako nag-suot ng cardigan. 

Nakita ko ang pagdilim ng ekspresyon ng mukha ni Nixon habang nakatingin sa mga braso ko. His pair of dark orbs darkened even more. I almost shiver at the intensity of his gaze. He's like a hawk, ready to charge at his prey. 

He lifted his eyes on my face. His jaw clenched. Nang muling bumaba ang tingin n'ya sa mga braso ko, mukha na s'yang papatay. 

"Prudence," tila hirap na hirap s'yang bigkasin ang pangalan ko. Na para bang nasa akin ang lahat ng pangit sa mundo. Na para bang sobrang pinahihirapan ko s'ya. 

Napapikit ako at kusang bumagsak ang mga luha ko nang marahang pinasada n'ya ang mga kamay n'ya sa magkabilang braso ko. I am terrified, but his touch was comforting me. 

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" he asked then he pulled me in a warm hug.

Nixon was like a security blanket wrapped in me. He made me fee like I can be fixed. 

But we can't fool anyone. There's something that was taken from me. Someone took my worth as a woman. 

"I am disgusted," I sobbed. "I used to be doubtful of myself. They said I am beautiful. They said that I am soft, kind, and feminine. But I don't have the confidence to claim those praise-worthy traits," I cried on his chest. "And now, after that incident..."

"Hey," Nixon gently rubbed my back. 

"I am disgusted with myself," I said those words like acid was dripping on each words. 

As I closed my eyes, images of what I can recall that night came in. My body shook. I am enraged. I am terrified. But above all, I am disgusted with myself.

As I remembered those lips kissing me, those hands touching me, I want to skin myself! I don't want this tainted skin! I don't want this body who remembers the feel of that molester! I don't want this life! 

"Prudence!" Nixon exclaimed then held each my wrists firmly. He forcefully placed my hands behind me. "Hush, baby," he cooed. 

Malakas na napahagulgol na lang ako habang mahigpit na yakap ako ni Nixon. 

He whispered things that can calm me down, but it got drown on the images of that night. Of the monster who took an important part of me. 

"He kissed me here," I murmured as I clawed my neck. 

Nixon was quick to grab my hand. 

Hindi ko alam kung bakit may naiiiyak pa din ako ngayon. Alam ko na masama na ang sobrang pag-iyak ko, pero hindi ko mapigilan.

Natigil ang iyak ko nang maramdaman ko ang labi ni Nixon sa leeg ko. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at napa-atras ako. 

In my blurry vision, I saw how Nixon's eyes got hooded. 

"I can't see the Prudence you're talking about. All I can see is a beautiful girl, inside and out," he said in a sweet murmur. 

I was too stunned to move when he reached for me. I let him touch my battered arms, then the cuts on my neck. 

"Stop doing these things to yourself, Prudence," he whispered near my ear while checking out the scars on my neck.

My body shook as I exchange looks with him. His eyes were reflecting how broken I was. It was like he's hurting with me. 

I closed my eyes then I started unbuttoning my blouse.

"Pru?" Nixon stopped my hands.

I shook my head. "I want to show you my nightmare, Nixon."

I feel safe with him. He understand my pain. I felt a connection with him. I feel safe, showing myself to him, without him judging me. 

I don't know if those were real, or I was just desperate for connection. 

Pakiramdam ko hindi ko na kayang sarilihin ang lahat. Pakiramdam ko ay sasabog na ako. 

I'm just a step away from wanting to be gone. 

And Nixon, standing in front of me, showing how much he's hurting for me, is like a strand keeping me from wanting to vanish. I want him to be my connection in this world. 

I completely took off my clothes. Nixon just stood there, watching me do what I want. 

My heart aches at the emotions stirring in those pair of dark orbs. 

"What the hell, Pru?" he asked, almost breathless. His eyes got misty while looking at me. 

Hinayaan ko s'ya na hawakan ang balat ko. Maingat ang pag-dantay ng mga daliri n'ya sa bawat sugat at pasa ko. 

"I hate those parts where he touched me. I want to remove those parts his lips touched," I cried. 

His gaze lifted on me then a tear fell from his eyes. He cupped my face, and I held my breath as his face leaned down on me. 

"Can I kiss you?" he asked in a whisper. 

Our faces were just an inch apart.

Hindi na ako kumibo. Ako na lang ang nag-sara ng pagitan ng mga labi namin. 

Nixon's kisses were gentle. I feel like I was swayed, then lifted up the clouds. Puno ng pag-iingat ang pagsakop ng mga labi n'ya sa akin. 

My heart aches at the way he kissed me. It was so tender and kind. 

I was the one who broke the kiss. 

"I-I..." I sobbed. "I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you," I cried. "I was tainted, Nixon. I'm no longer the Prudence you knew. I now have my demons."

And my heart broke at that. 

God, I love Nixon. I loved him since I was nine. 

But why do I have to be this torn? 

I was torn between telling him I love him and beg him to accept me, but I want to push him away from me because I know that he deserve someone better. Someone who's pure. 

"Listen to me, baby," he gently said while stroking my cheek. 

I forgot everything else as I got drown on his eyes. As dark and as mysterious as the night. 

"From now on, it's only me, okay?" he cooed. "No one else, but me. No one kissed you but me. No one touched you but me. It's all me, okay?" 

My lips parted at his declaration. 

It sounds... tempting.

"But, you can find someone else, Nixon. Someone who's not as wrecked as me," I shut my eyes. 

Iniisip ko pa lang na may iba si Nixon, nasasaktan na ako. 

"You're not to decide about that," he said then claimed my lips once more. 

He kissed me on my lips, as if owning the whole me. His kisses went down on my neck, feather-like on the spots where my nails cut my skin. 

And unlike with the incubus who took advantage on me, I don't feel disgusted on his kisses. 

Lustful thoughts didn't cloud my mind, instead I felt like he's healing me. 

Pinapalitan ng mga halik n'ya ang mga bangungot ko. 

His hand went on the small of my back then he pulled me in a warm hug. "Tell me about those nightmares, baby. I'll chase them away," he sweetly murmured on my ear. 

I found my arms wrapping around him. My heart swelled at his words. His voice soothes my soul. 

"I want to forget, Nixon. Please help me," I cried on his chest. 

His arms on me tightened. "I will, Prudence."

And as he promised, he replaced the dark memories with his soothing kisses. He redeemed me from my nightmare. His words wiped the darkness clouding my soul. 

"Sure about this?" he asked in a calm tone. 

I stared at his eyes for a while. I am trying to feel if I have objection on what's about to happen. Wala akong maramdamang pagtutol. 

This might pull me from the quicksand of my regret. 

I smiled at him then nodded. 

He claimed my lips then he took me. 

I whimpered at the discomfort I felt then tears rolled down. But I've been soothed at the words he murmured on my lips. 

And this... is life after death. This is my reclamation.