A Shadow of an Illusion

Chapter 7

“Narinig ko na nakikipag-usap ka na sa mga katulong ko dito.” Pagsisimula niya sa usapan namin.

Nandito kami ngayon sa kwarto niya. He invited me earlier in the hallway. Kung pwede lang sana hindi na niya ko nakita kanina para hindi na namin magka-usap ngayon. And he invited me in a rude way. I almost rolled my eyes when I remembered the event earlier.

“Menrui,” I heard someone called my name.

My mood immediately turned sour when I saw that Erebus is the one who called me. "Erebus," I said his name.

Nakapamulsa siyang lumapit sa akin bago niya ako tinignan mula ulo hanggang paa. Napatango-tango siya at napakunot naman ang noo ko sa ginagawa niya. Nababaliw na ba siya? Kung oo, parang iyon na ang pinaka magandang pangyayari na makikita ko. But wait, I don’t want to deal with a crazy Erebus. Ang Erebus nga na ito, hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko, pa’no pa kaya kapag nabaliw na siya? But... on the other hand... maybe it could benefit us. Imagine, the fearsome and most powerful dark wizard got crazy? Wow. What a headline. it might be the biggest news that this world will have.

Or maybe, ako na ata ang nababaliw sa aming dalawa. Kinakausap ko na ang sarili ko at kinokontra ko pa ang lahat ng naiisip ko baka kapag mas tumagal pa ako rito ay tuluyan na akong mabaliw.

I mentally slap myself to get back to reality and to my shock, Erebus is just staring at me. I frowned at him because he looks so weird right now, it seems like he is in different mood today, and I really don’t know what mood this is.

“Ano ba ang kailangan mo?” tanong ko sa kaniya dahil na-awkwardan sa ginagawa niya.

Who knows, baka ang tagal niya nang nakatitig sa akin habang nasa daydreaming world ako. And that would be awkward for me, and for him also.

And it looks like he just snap out of his thoughts because he suddenly blinked. “Let's talk,” he said, wIth authority.

I almost rolled my eyes but I stop myself for who knows how many times I did that day. Ano naman ang kailangan naming pag-usapan? Okay naman kami nitong mga nakaraang araw na hindi nag-uusap, kaya bakit kailangan naming mag-usap ngayon?

I want to walk out here but instead of doing that, I just asked him, “Why would I talk to you?”

“Come on. Just follow me,” sabi niya at tumalikod na pero nagmatigas ako.

“Why would I? And I don’t have a reason to agree with you,” sabi ko na nakapag-palingon sa kaniya sa direksiyon ko.

“I just want to spend my spare time with my wife, isn't it too much to ask?” Napanganga naman ako sa sinabi niya. Is he serious about this? “Also, don’t you want to spend your time with me, your husband?” tanong pa niya sa akin.

I know that he does not know how to joke around, but this is on different level. Really? A talk between a husband and wife? Hindi pa nga kami ikinakasal, ang kapal naman ng mukha niyang sabihin na gusto niya lang akong maka-usap dahil ‘wife’ niya na daw ako.

Nakataas ang kilay niya habang nakatingin sa akin. “Let's go.” Tumalikod na siya at hindi na ako tinapunan pa ng tingin.

Hindi na rin ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataon para margreklamo. And to my shock, sumunod naman ako sa kaniya. Great. Another decision that will make me regret in the future, or maybe later when I am alone.

And now, nandito ako para sa ‘spend time with my husband’ na hindi ko pa naman talaga husband at wala akong balak na maging husband siya kung may choice ako. He was acting as if this is not a forced marriage between the two of us, and I want to slap him because of that.

“Well?” tanong niya pa habang nakatingin sa akin.

Kailangan ba talaga lahat ng galaw ko alam niya? Pati ang pakikipag-usap ko kay Hemera kanina? At bakit ba pati iyon ay pakiki-alaman niya? It seems like he really doesn’t want to give me a freedom.

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. “Why? Am I not allowed to do so?” tanong ko sa kaniya.

He looked at me with that cold and annoying gaze but I did not waver. Hindi ako natatakot sa kaniya.

`But you were literally trembling out of fear when you first saw him.` sabi ng isang parte ng utak ko. I just shook my head and remove that thought. Kailangan kong ipakita sa kaniya na matapang ako at hindi basta-basta natatakot sa kaniya. Maybe it can lower down his pride and his ego that is so high. And maybe I can finally have a good sleep if that happens.

“No. I am just glad that you can do socializing now. Nung mga unang araw mo kasi hindi ka man lang nakikipag-usap sa mga tao dito. I thought it will be that way until I married you but I guess I’m wrong,” sabi niya. He sips his wine and looked at me with that cold eyes.

Bakit ba sa tuwing magkausap kami, nainom siya ng wine? At bakit ba lahat ng ginagawa niya, kinaiinisan ko? Maybe because he really is an annoying b*stard? Or maybe I just did not like his whole existence. Or maybe I could not forget everything that he had done that is why I am always irritated at him.

“Wow. I never knew that the word glad is in your vocabulary,” sarkastiko kong sabi sa kaniya.

I wanted to add “I thought killing is the only word in your dictionary.” but I stopped myself because it might ruin his mood. Ang mood niyang para sa observation ko ay maganda ngayon. And for the record, this is the first time since I arrived here, this is the first time that I see him in a good mood. But then I guess I already hit a nerve because I could see the small change in his facial expression. I cannot point out if he is mad or not because his facial expression returned neutral .

And I guess that is his normal. That bored and cold and deadly stare. That void expression that you cannot figure out what he truly feels because it was so void that it is really annoying. That is his normal look.

“Have anyone told you that you have a sharp tongue?” tanong niya.

I feel relieved dahil mukhang hindi naman siya galit. Slight lang siguro. At hindi ko ipinahalata sa kaniya na kinabahan ako sa kaniya. Tawagin mo nang pagmamataas ng pride ‘yon, wala akong pakialam basta magkaroon ako ng satisfaction na hindi ako umurong sa mga tingin niya at sa mga sinasabi niya.

“No,” I said as I shook my head. “The truth is you are the first person who ever told me that,” I added and that is really the truth.

Kahit na lagi kaming nagsasagutan nina Eurybia sa mundo namin, hindi nila ako sinasabihan na ‘sharp tongued’ ako o kahit ano pang word na pwede mong i-associate sa word na ‘yon. Siguro sa kaniya lang ako ganito dahil naiinis talaga ako sa ugali niya. He is always smug, full of pride, and above all of it, he is so proud of himself even if he is wrong. A b*stard.

“Then you should face the truth,” sabi pa niya. Iniabot niya sa akin ang isang wine glass na nasa tabi niya. I gladly get it and take a small sip. “Do not worry though. I like that my future wife is fierce. I like that.”

Nagtuloy-tuloy ang pag-inom ko ng wine dahil sa sinabi niya. My throat hurts because I drank too much. Nasamid at hindi ko mapigilan ang pag-ubo ko. Sunod-sunod ang pag-ubo ko at hindi man lang niya ako binigyan ng tissue o kahit ano man. Prente pa rin siyang nakaupo sa harap ko. At nakatingin sa akin na para bang nagtataka kung bakit ako nasasamid.

I glared at him and reach for the tissue that is in the middle of the table between us Dahil wala ka namang maasahan sa kaniya.

“What?” he asked with a confuse look on his face.

“You are really serious about this wife thing,” sabi ko sa kaniya.

Well, alam ko naman na seryoso siya hindi lang talaga nag-si-sink in ng buo sa utak ko ang lahat ng nangyayari simula nang mapunta ako sa palasyo niya. It feels like everything was just a dream, a bad dream that I don’t want to have anymore.

“Why? Do you think that I am kidding? Is it not clear to you when we talk on your first day here? Maybe I should make an example to one of those prisoners so that you can see how serious I am,” akma siyang tatayo sa kinauupuan niya pero pinigilan ko siya.

I held his wrist and stopped him from going outside. Napatingin naman siya sa akin nang ginawa ko iyon.

“Wait. Wait. I know you are serious. You do not have to show how serious you are when you said it in our first meeting.” Kailan ka ba nag-joke? Magkakaroon ng himala kapag nagkaganon. I want to add that statement again pero baka malintikan na talaga ako kaya hindi ko na lang sinabi. At wala akong balak sabihin.. “You should sit. Ang dami pa ng iinumin natin oh. Bakit aalis ka na agad?” sabi ko sa kaniya.

Binitiwan ko ang pagkakahawak ko sa kaniya at ipinagsalin siya ng wine. I heave a sigh of relief when he sit down again in front of me.

“You know what? For a person who does not know how to stop her mouth from talking, you are unexpectedly nice,” sabi niya.

“How can you say that I am nice? I always fight with you.” I look at the wine glass then I turned my gaze at him.

“Maybe because you care for other people and you almost forgot that you have your own life to be worried of,” sabi niya habang nakatingin sa akin. “Remember when I threaten you that I will take your life? You did not back down but when I said that I will kill those prisoners, you immediately agreed,” dagdag pa niya.

‘How could I not? When those people are vital part of my existence? When their life is more important than mine? When they die, my existence will also be meaningless,’ I thought but I did not say it to him. Because again, I don't have a courage and that will reveal who I am. Ilang minuto kaming natahimik at walang nagsalita.

After a few minutes, Erebus poured a wine in the glass. Ako naman ay sumandal sa kinauupuan ko at inisip ang sinabi niya.

“Paano mo nga ba masasabi na masama o mabait ang tao?” pagbabasag ko sa katahimikan habang nakatitig sa wine glass na hawak ko.

Ilang minuto ulit kaming natahimik. Narinig ko na lang ang pagbuntong hininga niya kaya tumingin ako sa direksiyon niya.

“Are you drunk?” tanong niya sa akin.

Parang tinitignan pa niya kung lasing na ba ako o hindi pa habang nakaupo pa rin siya sa upuan na nasa harapan ko.

I glared at him. “Hindi pa nga ako nakaka-isang baso. I can drink a lot of wine without getting drunk you know,” sabi ko sa kaniya. A

nd that is the truth also. I can drink as many glass of wine as I want without getting drunk. Alam ko parang mukhang lasenggera ang datingan ko nang sinabi ko ‘yon pero again, kung mataas ang pride ng taong kausap mo, kailangan mo ring taasan ang sa‘yo.

“Then why are you asking me that question?” he said, seriously.

I just shrug my shoulder and said, “You can answer it honestly or not. Your choice.”

Hindi ko rin alam sa sarili ko kung bakit ko siya tinanong ng gano‘n, pero nandito na kami sa punto na naitanong ko na nga sa kaniya. Might as well I could make him answer that question.

He put his hand under his chin as if he is considering my question. “I think no one is born evil,” sabi niya.

I almost laugh because of his answer. Who will ever thought that the evil and the most powerfu; wizard that they knew believes that no one is born evil? Not me and I will bet my life life that no one will ever believe that. Really, kahit nga na narinig ko ‘yon parang hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. I mentally slap myself to know if this is real or not but it is. It really is true.

“Then are you saying that you were once nice too?” He stopped reaching for the bottle of wine when I asked him that and looked at me with a deadly expression on his face.

He was about to open his mouth to speak but I beat him to it. “You know what? I think we are both drunk now.” Sinampal-sampal ko pa ang sarili ko para kunwari ay ginigising ko ang sarili ko kahit na hindi naman talaga ako lasing. “Maybe we should rest. Lalo ka na. Kung saan ka pa nagpunta kanina. Aren't you tired?” tanong ko sa kaniya.

Umiling lang siya sa akin pero hindi ko na ‘yon pinansin.

“But I am tired already. Maybe we should stop this talk now. Goodnight,” dire-diretso kong sabi.

I know my reason is lame but I don't care about it anymore as long as I could ran away from him. Hindi ko din alam kung bakit ako nalayo but I know I have to. It feels like I wanted to get away from him as far as I could, but I could not figure out why.

Tumayo na ako at akmang lalabas ng kwarto niya nang pigilan niya ako. “What do you think of me?” tanong niya sa akin.

Why are you asking me that question with that sad look on your face? Do you think I will think that you once had a good side? But it will never change a thing because I will always see you as that b*stard who did not even blink when talking about killing other people. I could feel rage in my heart and I could not help but to let it all out by saying all the bad things to him.

I looked at him seriously and said, “I think of you as that heartless b*stard who does not consider anything but his own satisfaction. And a man without conscience.” I glared at him and left.

Hindi ko na siya tinapunan pa ng tingin at dumiretso na ako sa kwarto na tinutuluyan ko rito sa palasyo. Hindi ko na rin hinintay pang makapagsalita siya, basta na lamang akong dumiretso sa kwarto ko nang hindi pinapansin ang nasa paligid ko.

I did not bother to change my clothes and I instantly go to my bed. Sinampal ko ang parehas kong pisngi para magising ako. Bakit ba kailangan mo pa iyon banggitin? The two of you were fine just a minute ago but you have to ruin it! Inis kong sinabunutan ang sarili ko at nagpagulong-gulong sa kama.

Wait. “I should not have accepted his invitation in the first place.” bulong ko sa sarili ko.

I stop from rolling in the bed and just stared at the ceilling. Bakit ba inakala ko na magiging okay ang usapan na to? We always end up fighting whenever we talked. Himala lang na tumagal kaming nag-uusap na hindi nag-aaway.

“Ah. You should not think about that man.”

Bakit ba affected ako sa nangyari? I smack myself again and continued to roll in my bed to let all my frustration out of my system by doing that.

It is almost half an hour when I got tired and just continue to stare at the ceiling. Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto o oras pa akong nakatitig sa kisame pero unti-unti na kong dinalaw ng antok. I did not fight the tiredness that I feel and just close my eyes to sleep.