More Than Anything (TAGALOG)

Margaux

As I was speaking to the relatives of one of my patients, I heard my phone ring. It was Mela, my helper.

“Ma’am! Pang-apat na pong beses na nagsuka si Shawn! May lagnat din po, Ma’am.” I can sense na natataranta na siya sa mga pangyayari sa anak ko.

Kahit ako ay nataranta ng marinig ako. As a doctor, I’ve had all of the worst things come into my head with just a simple vomiting and fever. This is the thing about me whenever my son gets sick.

“Tawagin mo si Kuya Peter at dalhin niyo na siya dito.” Bilin ko kay Mela nang bigla siyang sumigaw. “What the hell is happening? Mela?!”

“Ma’am! Nagsuka po kasi ulit siya. Tapos hawak-hawak niya po ang tiyan niya.” Sagot niya at parang masama na nga ang lagay ni Shawn.

Hindi ko mapigilan ang pagbilis ng t***k ng puso ko dahil sa kaba. He’s my son and he’s sick. I think I’m going crazy. Pagkatapos kong ibilin na dalhin nila ang anak ko sa ospital ay tinawagan ko agad si Deonna.

“Hello? Shawn’s coming here.” Iyon ang bungad ko sa kanya.

“Ah? Akala ko ba dadalhin mo iyong bago mong boyfriend?” I know that she’s trying to tease me but I’m not in the mood for anything.

“He’s sick, D. Ilang bese na raw siyang nagsuka sabi ni Mela!” Now, I’m hysterical. My son has never thrown up since he was a baby. And he’s already five years old now. He’s been healthy all his life! Why is he throwing up now?

“Shawn is sick?” Now, she’s got the hang of the whole situation. “Dadalhin mo ba dito? Where are you? I’m in the ER. Cubicle 16.” Dagdag niya. “Okay. I’m almost finished.”

I sighed. “I’m walking towards the lounge. Sasalubungin ko sila sa entrance.” Sagot ko. “What if malala ito this time? Shawn has never been sick since he was born!” I’m pretty sure I didn’t just sound hysterical but I also looked like one in distress as well.

“Look, your son’s gonna be alright. I’ll go check when he comes here.” Deonna tried to calm me down but it was no use.

Just the thought of my son in a hospital bed kills me to the bones.

“I’ll also call Dr. Tan. Siya ang pedia niya.” I told her.

“Yes. Calm down. Baka UTI lang. Children throw up when they have UTI or even just a simple fever.” Deonna’s voice has gotten even softer. “Your helper needs to calm down as well. Are they on their way?”

“Yes.” I replied as I roamed my eyes around the ER lounge. Tinitingnan ko kung matatantya ko ba kung saan sila papasok. “Tapos ka na ba diyan?” I asked. I really need someone to keep me to my senses now.

“Yes. Tapos na ako dito. I’m coming to the lounge in five.” She replied and that’s the only time that I actually calmed down.

I’ve raised my son alone because when my parents knew I was pregnant, they already cut the ties between us. I am their only daughter but they left me alone when I needed them the most.

Although they didn’t cut the monetary support, they didn’t see me ever again. They didn’t even want to see my son. The last words they told me was how they were disappointed in me.

I wouldn’t blame them, though. Isa akong malaking tanga. I gave my whole being with the man who I thought would love me until the last of my breath. Hindi ko inakalang iiwan rin pala niya ako. At may bonus pa.

But nevertheless, I have not regretted having my son with me. Kung dati, I needed someone’s warmth to keep me happy, ngayon, all I need is a hug from Shawn and everything will be alright. Lahat ng pagod ko ay pawing-pawi na.

That’s why I’m so worried right now. The source of my strength is sick and I think I’m going to collapse anytime soon. I can’t bear to see my child inside a hospital.

“Margaux!” Napalingon ako nang marinig ko ang boses ni Deonna na tumatawag sa akin.

I immediately looked at her and she hugged me tightly. “Wala pa sila?” She asked.

I shook my head as my tears are beginning to cloud my eyes. I’ve never cried ever since I was in labor. With the years I had my son, he’s always be the source of my happiness. I never had the reason to be sad because he was always there.

And now I’m crying again. How can I let my son throw up like that?

“Hey, it’s okay. Kung ano mang sakit niya, magagamot rin iyon. You’re a doctor and we’re in the hospital. Don’t worry.” Ani Deonna habang sabay naming hinintay na pumarada ang sasakyan ko sa harapan.

When I finally saw my car, I ran towards it and carried my son towards the ER. He looked so weak and pale as I placed him on the hospital bed.

“Mommy…” his faint voice is killing me. Wala ang anak kong makulit ngayon. He looks so fragile on that damn white bed.

I held his hand and kissed the top of his head. “I’m here, Baby. Andito lang si Mommy.” I said as I tried to not choke up on my own tears.

Fuck! I’m wearing a coat and I’m crying over my sick son. I can only imagine how my patients would think when they saw me like this.

“Mommy, my tummy is aching.” Shawn said in a weak voice.

I nodded and held his hand to my cheek. “Everything will be alright, baby. Gagamutin ka ni Tita Deonna at Dr. Tan.” I told him and he nodded.

He stared at the IV catheter that’s going to be inserted in his veins. “Are they going to prick me, Mommy?” He asked.

I nodded. “Para mabilis kang gumaling, the medicines will be pushed to your little hoses in your body.” I told him.

He nodded but I can see how scared he is. “Will it hurt?” he asked.

I smiled at him. “It’s going to hurt a little but don’t yank your hand away, okay? Para minsanan ka lang nilang ipiprick.” I told him.

He nodded and Deonna smiled at me.

“Okay, baby Shawn, Tita Deonna will prick you, okay?” Deonna told me. “Wag mong gagalawin iyang kamay mo, okay?”

Shawn nodded at Deonna’s instructions. Deonna gently inserted the catheter into one of his veins and I was the one who flinched. Ni wala akong narinig na araw mula sa anak ko pero parang ako ang nasasaktan para sa kanya.

“Very good, Shawn! Tapos na.” Deonna told Shawn and he smiled weakly. Deonna then turned to me. “Let’s have his urine checked.” Aniya.

Tumango ako at tumingin kay Shawn. “Baby, you need to pee, alright?” I told him. He nodded and was even the one who asked me to accompany him to the common comfort room.

Ang gusto ko sana ay wag na siyang tumayo pero nagpumilit siya kaya sinamahan ko na lang. I can see a bit of improvement in him when I first held him in the entrance.

“Does your tummy still hurt?” I asked him.

Shawn nodded. “A little bit.” He replied.

I bent down to his height and cupped his cheeks. “Did you throw up a lot?” I asked him.

He nodded. “My tummy was aching so bad a while ago.” He replied.

I nodded and escorted him to the comfort room. “Tell me if it hurt when you pee, alright?” I told him and he nodded. “Alright…”

Shawn was looking at me as I waited for him to pee in front of me.

“What’s it?” I asked.

He pouted. “Mommy, I’m going to pee, why are you peeping?” He asked.

My jaw almost dropped when I heard what he just asked me. Ang bata bata pa niya pero ganito na ang nasa isip niya!

“I need to collect your urine for it to be examined.” I told him.

He frowned at me. “Can I just be the one to collect it?” He asked.

He was looking at me so seriously and I didn’t have a choice but to just not and give him the specimen bottle. He smiled at me before he turned around to urinate on his own.

When he was done washing his hands, the nurse who escorted us took the specimen bottle for the urine test. I held Shawn’s hand as we walked back to his cubicle.

Hindi pa rin mapanatag ang loob ko kahit na medyo umayos na ang lagay ng anak ko. I feel like this is just a calm before a strong storm.

“Mommy, am I going to stay in the hospital for long?” He asked.

I looked at him and smiled. “It depends on the result of your urine test.” I told him and he nodded. “Bilisan mong magpagaling ha?”

He nodded. “I don’t want to miss school.” He told me.

“I’m going to give your teacher your excuse letter.” I replied.

He frowned. “But I can’t practice for Football.” He uttered.

I smiled and hugged him. “When you get better, you’ll practice for football once again.” I told him.

“For real?” He asked, his face lighting up a bit.

I nodded. “Kaya bilisan mong gumaling, alright?” I told him and he nodded before planting a kiss on my cheek.

“I love you, Mommy.” He beamed in a very sweet voice.

I’ve always longed for someone who would always tell me how much he loves me, for someone who would always show me how much he does and will always be.

Akala ko ay sa ibang lalaki ko iyon mahahanap. I was wrong. Nang dumating si Shawn sa buhay ko, every single male out there became null and void for me. Wala na akong ibang gustong kasama kung hindi ang anak ko.

Sure I dated more even when I had Shawn but it wasn’t because I needed to date. It was because they wanted to date me. At the end of the day, all I’m looking forward to is to spend time with my beloved son.

I cupped his cheeks and kissed his nose.

“Mommy loves you too, Baby. So much.” I uttered before hugging him tight…before facing a nightmare.