More Than Anything (TAGALOG)

Quinn

I was trying to look out and find Margaux when I was finished with my CT scan. Kung bakit gusto ko siyang makita ay hindi ko alam. I just thought I needed to at least let her know that I was here. As for the reason again, I don’t know.

When the RadTech in the CT scan told me that the results will come out in thirty, I didn’t waste time and ran back to the ER. Siguro naman ay makikita ko siya dito.

I don’t know but there was this magnetic force inside me that makes me want to see Margaux again. Nang marinig kong may anak na siya, I needed to know how she was. Kailan siya nabuntis, sino ang ama at nasaan ito?

“Mommy, am I going to stay in the hospital for long?”

Napatigil ako nang may marinig akong boses malapit sa common toilet ng ospital. I looked at the direction of the voice and was stunned to see the persons I am looking for.

Margaux was there, in front of a kid about four or five years with the dextrose hanging beside them. Halos manikip ang dibdib ko nang makita ko ang bata.

He’s a boy and he looks like someone else. I couldn’t believe myself when I saw his whole face. He looked just like me. I can never be mistaken. I’ve seen my kid photos and I look like that kid.

Shit!

May sinasabi si Margaux sa kanya at tumango ito.

 “I don’t want to miss school.” He uttered in his cute voice.

Damn it! I can’t believe this!

I was pretty sure Margaux was cooing and assuring him things because he suddenly smiled and kissed her cheek.

I could see Margaux smiling when the kid said, “I love you, Mommy.”

My heart melted with the words I heard from the kid. Shawn, that’s his name as I heard from Dr. dela Fuente.

“Mommy loves you too, Baby. So much.” Margaux told him before pulling him into a tight hug.

Hindi ako makagalaw sa kinatatayuan ko hanggang sa nakita ko ang gulat na itsura ni Margaux nang makita niya ako. Para siyang nakakita ng multo.

Agad siyang bumitaw sa anak niya at itinago ito sa likod niya.

Now, it’s confirmed. That boy is my son.

Damn it! Bakit hindi niya sinabi sa aking may anak pala kami? Or does she even have thoughts on telling me?

Fuck!

“Margaux…” I told her as I tried to walk to her.

She bit her lip and stepped back with Shawn still behind her. I can see how the boy is worried and how he is confused of how his mother is reacting.

“What are you doing?” Bakas sa boses niya ang galit. Pero siya ba ang dapat magalit dito? Ako, dapat akong magalit dahil hindi man lang niya sinabi sa akin may anak pala kami.

Damn it!

Thinking about how I broke up with her makes me sick. Noong mga panahong iyon ay buntis na siya. Did she know back then? Was she going to tell me?

“We need to talk.” I told her in a stern voice.

She looked at me like I just cracked a joke. Mukha siyang tatawa ngunit sarkastiko itong ngumiti.

“Talk?” She asked. “What are you talking about?” Sarcasm is very evident in her voice and it sounds like she’s mocking me.

“Mommy…” Shawn spoke and her face changed abruptly. She looked at Shawn and bent to his height. “Baby, Mommy will talk to a stranger for a while, alright.” Aniya at tumawag ng nurse para ilayo si Shawn sa amin.

“But you told me it’s bad to talk to strangers.” Shawn replied.

Margaux smiled and nodded. “Mommy is bad just today. But please, go with your nurse and be with Yaya Mela first. I’ll follow.” Aniya sa anak.

Shawn looked at Margaux then at me. He blinked at me and I couldn’t describe the feeling that it gave me. That feeling of someone so familiar even on the first meeting looking into your eyes so innocently…I was lost for words.

Shawn was a good boy and he followed what he was told. The whole time, I looked at him and watched him walk away from me.

Gusto ko siyang hawakan. Gusto ko siyang kargahin. Would that scare him? Hindi niya ako kilala.

“Don’t show yourself in front of us again.”

Natanggal ang tingin ko sa bata dahil sa sinabi ni Margaux. I looked at her and saw how furious she is as she stared at me. She’s wearing a coat but there wasn’t any doctor vibe to her right now unlike when I first saw her a while back.

“Is he my son?” I asked her.

“No.” She immediately answered. “Wala kang anak sa akin. Shawn is my son.” She emphasized that possessive pronoun.

I narrowed my eyes at her. “He’s five years?” I asked her, totally ignoring how she’s trying to strip off my rights for my son.

“I don’t want you to care about my son. Please leave.” She told me.

Tumingin ako sa kanya at wala akong ibang makita kung hindi galit at muhi para sa akin. Was life so hard on her? Kung mahirap na pala, bakit hindi siya tumakbo sa akin? If I had known I had a son, I would be very glad to buy him anything!

“He’s my son, too!” I’m already claiming it even without her consent and confirmation. Pero naitago niya sa akin ang anak ko buong buhay nito kaya malamang ay hindi niya sasabihin sa aking anak ko nga si Shawn.

“He’s not your son!” She yelled at me. “Wala kang anak. Wala akong anak sa’yo.”

I noticed how she clenched her fists in anger. “The moment you broke up with me, the moment you started seeing your secretary, tanggal na ang pakialam mo sa anak ko. So, just go ahead and leave.”

Akmang aalis na siya nang bigla kong hawakan ang kamay niya at hilain siya papunta sa emergency exit ng ER. I didn’t know how I knew this place but I was so glad to have brought her here because it was more quiet and I would get to talk to her better.

“Ano ba?!” She yanked her hand and motioned to slap me with it.

Kitang-kita ko ang pagtaas at baba ng dibdib niya na para bang nagpipigil sa gagawin niya. She gritted her teeth before putting her hand down.

“Look, Mr. Guevarra, for the sake of both parties, please leave. My son and I lived five years of our lives happily without you and we’re doing fine. Hindi ka namin kailangan.”

She uttered those words at ease. Ganoon lang ba ako kadaling itapon mula sa buhay nila?

“I want to know about him. He’s my son. Hindi mo ginawang mag-isa iyon! We did that! Ikaw at ako! Anak natin siya!” Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko. I needed to shout at her too. I’m so mad that she didn’t tell me.

“Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin?!” I asked her. “You should’ve told me about him because he’s my flesh too!”

Margaux looked at me like I was a joke-turned-human. Hindi ko alam kung gusto ba niya akong tawanan o suntukin dahil sa tanong ko.

“If you knew you had a son, you’d stick around?” She asked. “And then what? You’d blame me dahil ikinulong kita sa tabi ko dahil sa anak ko? No way! I can live alone. And I can live better now knowing that I have my son with me. We don’t need you.”

Her words cut deep in my heart. On how she saw the situation that way, I didn’t know. Hindi ko naisip na ganoon ang sitwasyon na maiisip niya.

But then again, she somehow has a point. I love Louise and when I find out that I have a child with another woman, I’d be miserable to let her go. I could be a terrible father.

“So, please, leave me and my son alone. Don’t even look at him from afar.” She told me.

It’s so obvious that she loathes me. I can’t blame her. I caused her heartache. I guess it’s true when they said “Pain changes a woman”. She’s changed.

From the Margaux who would always smile and keep me comfortable to this Margaux who hated my mere existence.

Is there someone else to blame?

None because f**k it, I fell out of love for her. I left her and even cheated on her on the process.

Hindi ako nagsisisi na pinili ko Louise dahil naging masaya ako kasama siya. Louise is my source of strength and happiness. But I should’ve had one more source if I had known about my son.

“I have a right to him, Margaux.” I told her, definitely not giving up on the custody of my son. “Anak ko siya.”

She shook her head. “You don’t have a right. You’ve stripped off all of your rights when I saw you making out with your secretary in your office.” She uttered in much pain.

She bit her lower lip and looked away. “Utang na loob, layuan mo kami. I’m not asking for any alimony from you. Kahit anong pera mo ay hindi ko tatanggapin. Kahit magkano. Hindi ako hihingi sa’yo nang kahit isang kusing kaya lumayo ka na.” Taliwas sa galit na boses niya kanina, ngayon ay mahinahon na at parang nagmamakaawa.

Tinitigan ko siya habang nakikita ko ang mga luhang namumuo sa mga mata niya. This is almost the same scene I had with her before she left me. I can still remember how she cried because she wanted to stay.

But now she’s crying because she wants me out of her life. She wants me out of our son’s life.

“I’ve lived all kinds of trouble and faced all types of problems with Shawn alone. We were fine. I have survived everything because I have him.” She looked into my eyes. “Si Shawn na lang ang mayroon ako. Kaya utang na loob, Quinn, don’t show up again. I don’t want my son to see you. He was fine without a dad and he’ll keep living fine without one.”

She wiped the tears off her cheeks and tried to calm herself.

“You can have your own family with your girlfriend. Siya na lang ang pagtuonan mo ng pansin. Don’t waste your time trying to get close to my son.”

And again, I was left with nothing but pain.