More Than Anything (TAGALOG)

Margaux

I have to spend fifteen minutes in the rest room after the encounter I had with Quinn. I had to keep myself together for fifteen minutes before I go back to my son and answer his questions.

Mula noong ipanganak ko siya, hindi ko naisip na makikita siya ni Quinn. I have always thought that he wouldn’t care. And besides, my son and I were fine. Hindi niya kinailangan ng ama. He was fine with me alone. He loved me and I love him with my soul.

Nang makita ko si Quinn na nakatayo at nanonood sa amin ng anak ko, na may gasa sa ulo, hindi ko alam kung anong una kong gagawin. All I know is that I need to hide my son from him. Hindi namin siya kailangan. We don’t need a man like him.

I can be both Shawn’s mom and dad, that was everything I was thinking all these years. I can be any person Shawn would need. And I was.

For all the years my son has existed in this world, he never looked for a father. He was not asking me where his father is. Kahit alam kong may konting inggit sa kanya kapag nakikita niyang may Daddy ang mga kalaro niya, hindi siya nagtanong sa akin. He’d just keep telling me how much he loves me and everything would be alright.

We were fine. We were alright. We were living good.

I’ve never thought about Quinn seeing him. Quinn left me for another woman who he says he loves. If he knew he had a son, all his dreams for his beloved would go down the drain. Sino ba namang babae ang tatanggap sa isang lalaking nakabuntis ng iba?

And I was afraid that Quinn would turn out to be a bad father to Shawn. That was the motivation I had para hindi na ipakilala pa si Shawn sa Daddy niya. I was afraid of what he could do to my son.

For that decision I made, I paid a lot of consequences.

Itinakwil ako ng mga magulang ko nang malaman nilang buntis ako. They were even angrier when they knew that I broke up with man who impregnated me. They disowned me, calling me a disgrace to the family line.

Dad holds a huge chain of hotels while Mom holds a group of insurance companies under her slate. Maganda ang reputasyon ng mga magulang ko kaya naman hiyang-hiya sila sa nagawa ko.

They didn’t really left me alone because they bought me a condominium unit, provided me with a helper and a driver, and even supported me to continue my schooling. They gave me monetary funds for my son which I used para sa education plan nito.

When I finally got my specialization in Cardiology, I bought my son and I a bigger house. Tuloy pa rin ang sustento ng mga magulang ko sa amin pero iniinvest ko na lang iyon sa ibang kompanya. I can provide for my son but if I’m given more then I wouldn’t hesitate to accept it for my son.

Except when it comes from Quinn.

Lahat ng perang ibibigay sa akin ay tatanggapin ko. Huwag lang kay Quinn. I don’t want to owe him something. Kahit pa alam kong isa siya sa pinakamayaman sa buong Pilipinas, at barya lang ang ibibigay niya sa amin ay hindi ko pa rin iyon tatanggapin.

I only have my pride when it comes to facing that bastard. He can keep his money while I keep my son.

Nang matapos akong mag-ayos sa rest room ay dumiretso ako sa cubicle ng anak ko. Nadatnan ko siyang nakatulog habang binabantayan ni Mela.

“Napagod po ata, Ma’am?” Ani Mela habang binibigyan ako ng espasyo sa tabi ng anak ko.

I held Shawn’s face and smiled. No one can take my son away from me. Kung may balak man si Quinn na kunin ang anak ko mula sa akin ay magkakamatayan muna kami bago niya magawa iyon.

I’d fight for my son. Whatever it takes.

“Margaux, ililipat na natin si Shawn sa suite niya.” Ani Deonna na may kasamang mga nurse.

Tumango ako at hinayaang itulak ang kama ng anak ko patungo sa elevator.

“Are you alright?” Deonna asked when we entered the room. Naayos ko na si Shawn sa kama niya habang si Mela naman ay nag-aayos ng pagkaing sa fridge.

I shook my head as I took my coat off.

Deonna tapped my shoulder. “Ayos na si Shawn. The urine tests said it’s just UTI. I also checked for possible appendicitis pero wala naman. If you want, ipaultrasound pa natin siya.” Aniya.

I smiled and shook my head. “I’m glad that Shawn’s fine pero hindi iyon ang pinoproblema ko.” I told her.

Deonna has been there for me since college. Nagkahiwalay lamang kami dahil magkaiba ang specialty namin. I have never been so grateful for a friend like Deonna.

“Kung ganoon, ano?” Tanong niya habang nakaupo kami sa couch ng kwarto.

I bit my lip and hesitated for a moment. Kahit kailan ay hindi pa ako nag-oopen kay Deonna tungkol sa ama ni Shawn. She never asked though. I think she respected my privacy. It was actually what I needed. Someone who would accept the situation as an existing nonconsequential instance.

“Shawn’s father.” I told her.

Deonna’s facial expression turned serious and worried at the same time. “You saw him?” She asked. “Kailan?”

I took a deep breath. “Kanina. Nang mawala ako sandali ay nag-usap kami. He wanted me to introduce him to Shawn.” Sagot ko.

Deonna didn’t speak. She was waiting for me to continue.

“I told him to back off. Na hindi namin siya kailangan. Na ayos kami ni Shawn na wala siya. But I think he’ll insist on seeing my son.” I closed my eyes. Just thinking about Quinn holding my son makes me cringe. Hinding-hindi ko iyon hahayaang mangyari.

“Don’t you think he might just be curious about your son?” Deonna asked.

This is what I like about her. She’s transparent. Hindi siya iyong kumakampi lang kung sino-sino. She’ll give you honest opinions, comments and suggestions. And that’s what I need now. Kailangan kong makarinig ng neutral ng komento.

“Can I trust him on that?” I asked. “Paano kung pumayag ako tapos ay kunin niya sa akin ang anak ko?”

Just the mere thought of my son taken away from me kills me. Hindi ko kayang mawala si Shawn sa akin. They can take everything away but my son. My son’s my life. They can’t take him away from me.

“Hindi naman siguro hahayaan ni Shawn na makuha siya ng iba sa’yo.” Ani Deonna. “Your son loves you so much. He never even asked for a dad all these years. Sigurado akong hindi ka niya iiwan kahit kailan.”

I bit my lip and paused to think.

“Come to think of it,” simula ni Deonna. “If the world was reversed, iyon bang lalaki naman ang magbubuntis at hindi nila pinaalam sa’yo ang tungkol sa anak mo, would you want to see your child, too?”

“Yes.” I replied in all honesty.

The child is mine too. Hindi nga lang ako ang nagbuntis pero anak ko pa rin iyon.

And yes, I get Deonna’s point but I don’t think I can allow Quinn to see my son any time soon.

“See?” Deonna shrugged. “Maybe that’s what your ex is thinking right now.” Aniya. “If you were him, you’d feel the same, right?”

I sighed in defeat. “Yes.”

Deonna smiled. “I think there’s nothing wrong with him seeing Shawn. You can let him see Shawn before he makes some serious suits to get your child from you.” Sabi nito.

I narrowed my eyes at her. “What do you mean?”

She shrugged. “May bago kasing kaso si Luke ngayon, it’s about a woman fighting for the custody of her child na iniwan niya sa ama nito. I was just thinking about the possibility of your ex doing that too or if he could afford that.”

Parang natigil ang mundo ko sa narinig ko. Would Quinn go that far para sa anak namin?

And what if he wins the case?

I’ll lose custody over my son forever.

Para akong mababaliw iniisip ko pa lang na mawawala sa akin ang anak ko. I can’t afford that to happen.

I looked at Deonna and she’s staring at me with concerned eyes. “So do you think it’s better if I let him see my son?” I asked her.

Kahit na alam ko naman ang gusto niyang ipahiwatig ay hindi ko pa rin ito matanggap. Letting Quinn see Shawn gives him all the right to be back into our lives again.

“You’re not going to open up to him anyway. Ang anak mo lang naman ang common denominator ninyo. You don’t need to see him, as well.” Ani Deonna.

I still couldn’t speak. Hindi naman ibig sabihin na dapat ko nang ipakita si Shawn kay Quinn ngayon din.

“You don’t need to do it ahead anyway. You need to warm up to Shawn first.” Deonna said. “In the end, si Shawn pa rin naman ang may desisyon nito. If he wanted to see his father or not…it’s your son’s decision.”

I blinked at Deonna’s words.

Then I realized that she’s right. Kung mayroon mang may karapatan at desisyon dito, si Shawn iyon. It’s his identity that we’re building and we’re talking about. Not mine. Not his father’s. Nor my past with him.

“You should talk to Shawn first.” Deonna smiled bago tumunog ang phone nito. She waved the phone to me, letting me see that her boyfriend is calling.

I rolled my eyes and she laughed. “Gotta go!” She beamed as she kissed Shawn’s forehead before leaving the room.

I’m happy for Deonna. She’s found the man she wanted to be with for the rest of her life. It might have been hard for her to accept him but they went through everything and survived all the challenges that came.

Pero hindi ako naiinggit. I have my son with me. He’s enough for me. He’s enough for my happiness.

I walked over my son and sat beside him on his bed. I caressed his cheek. I have always saw Quinn in his face. His nose, his lips and his eyes. Kay Quinn niya nakuha ang mga iyon.

When he learns that his father wants to see him, would he be happy? Gugustuhin ba niyang makita ang daddy niya? Would he want to meet the father he’s been longing to have even though he doesn’t tell me?

“Mommy…” I was so into thinking that I haven’t noticed that he’s finally awake.

I smiled at him. “Hi, Baby. We’ll have to stay here for a few days, alright?” I told him and he nodded but then his eyes stayed into mine.

“Are you crying?” he asked and I shook my head. He pouted and held my face, wiping the streaks of tears on my cheeks. “I don’t want you to cry, Mommy. I love you so much.” He beamed and that just made me cry even more.