Once Ice Grieves

EIGHTEEN: Pathetically Evil

“This NDA has a duration of twenty five years. Sigurado akong ganito rin ang makikita nating duration sa ibang NDA na pinapirmahan nila kapalit ng hush money.”

It says the same on the article I had open on my laptop’s browser. Isa pa, hindi ko pagdududahan ang kaalaman ni Prim sa aspetong ito. After all, he’s the one in law school here so he knows stuff about this more than I do.

“Sinigurado nilang kapag tapos na ang termino ng kontrata, tapos na rin ang statute of limitations. Walang makakapagdemanda,” I groaned at ibinaon ang mukha sa kamay ko.

Today was a very tiring day. Pakiramdam ko’y lahat ng ginawa ko ngayong araw ay puro kapalpakan. My first concept on the campaign was apparently thought of already by Kingsley’s Marketing team and was scrapped by their head honcho. But I just learned that after we spend the entire three days prepping data and brainstorming for creative concepts on it. Kasalanan ko dahil hindi ko hiningi kaagad ang data sa mga nagawa na nila noon.

Now, this. After that gruelling day at work, I had to find a list of names that was given that hush money to try and see kung sinong maaari naming kumbinsihin na magsampa ng kaso laban kay Logan. Trina still has the NDA her family signed so we found out about the duration.

“It doesn’t mean this cannot be taken to court if there was a summon, Ate. Public policy weighs heavier than privately arranged agreements. The only question here is would the families that were given those hush money dare to take the risk of themselves being in danger?”

“…at kung magiging patas ba ang pagdinig sa atin kung makakabuo nga tayo ng kaso?” dugtong pa ni Trina.

Ibinaba ko ang kamay ko at bumuntong hininga. I can only imagine how my face looks like now. Haggard and pissed off, I’m sure.

“Lahat sila nabigyan ng NDA? Lahat may pamilya?” ang tanong na iyon ay dinirekta ko kay Trina. I learned she had researched almost everything about this case.

Tumango siya. “Lahat ng pamilyang tumanggap, Ate. May iba sa kanila tumatanggap pa rin ng scholarship mula sa mga Ilagan para sa mga pamangkin no’ng biktima hanggang ngayon.”

Walang magtatangka kahit na sino sa mga ‘yon na ungkatin ang nangyari. Kung may mga bata sa pamilya o ‘di kaya’y nasanay na silang nakadepende sa impluwensya ng Ilagan, pihadong takot silang magalaw o kaya’y nasa Ilagan na ang loyalty nilang lahat.

“May isa pa akong natatandaang labas-masok sa basement dati,” I said aloud. The thought of revealing this one information I held from everyone made me both apprehensive and hopeful at the same time. “She went by the name Liz. Hindi ko alam kung anong apelyido niya, she never said. She was just quiet all the time but she does father’s bidding. Wala sa listahan mo ‘tong babaeng ‘yon, Trina.”

Kumunot ang noo niya at muling kinuha ang papel na nasa gitna ng lamesa. Muli niyang nirebesa iyon. I imagine she was going through all the list of names there, mentally recounting what she knew.

“Baka may na-miss ako, Ate…?”

Sumandal ako sa likuran ng upuan at tumitig sa screen ng laptop ko. Nothing’s there but an article from the internet however, my mind was elsewhere. I hated recounting what happened but I can see her clearly in my mind. Petite, has long brown-ish curly bra-length hair. Her eyes had a haunting gaze to it and her brown orbs was so expressive that my father loved eliciting pain from her because of that. Sweet voice, sweet lips.

I had a portrait of her done many years ago merely by verbal descriptions. Naka-save iyon sa email ko pero hindi ko magawang ipahanap dahil hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula o kung delikado bang gawin ko nga iyon dahil baka nasa proteksyon siya ng mga Ilagan. Baka nga dapat matagal ko nang tinunton ang babaeng iyon. Baka siya ang susi sa lahat ng ito.

“She’s almost my father’s age, I think. I never knew what happened to her. She just… disappeared.”

Nakita kong nagkatinginan ang mag-asawa. At that point ay tumunog ang doorbell. Kaagad na tumayo si Trina at nagprisintang puntahan ang pintuan

Nang mawala sa paningin ang asawa’y bumaling si Prim sa akin. “Paano kung… puntahan natin ang Papa?”

I stilled at the idea of seeing his face again. Nang makita ni Prim iyon ay agad niyang hinawakan ang nakakuyom kong kamao.

“Sorry, Ate. We’ll think of another way.”

Dammit.

Ganoon kami inabutan nina Griffin at Trina. Griffin was holding two boxes of pizzas in one hand and Prim stood up immediately to clean the papers scattered on the table. Sinarado ko ang laptop ko ngunit nahuli ko ang pagsulyap ni Griffin sa mga papel na malapit sa kanya. The NDA. Agad kong hinablot iyon at ibinigay kay Prim.

“I brought food,” wika niya saka inilapag ang mga kahon ng pizza sa lamesa.

“Ginabi ka, Kuya, ah,” si Prim na tumulong magkalas ng tali sa kahon matapos niyang iabot kay Trina ang mga nasinop na papeles.

Tumayo ako at nagtungo sa kusina para kumuha ng mga baso at pitsel ng juice. I took my time because I wanted some moment of peace to reclaim myself bago sumabak sa panibagong giyera na dala ng presensya ni Griffin. But the damn man won’t budge an inch. Sinundan niya ako sa kusina!

“You disappeared.”

Pinigilan ko ang sarili kong umirap. Sa halip ay sinipa ko pasarado ang refrigerator at humarap sa kanya. “Kailangan ko bang magpaalam kapag uuwi ako? Akala ko hindi ikaw ang boss ko.”

He inclined his head. His face had a calmness in it that annoyed the s**t out of me.

“I would’ve driven you home.”

“No, thanks. Kaya kong iuwi ang sarili ko.”

“Nasa casa pa ang sasakyan mo—”

“Cut this out,” I gritted my teeth. It took everything in me para hindi magtaas ng boses at makatawag ng atensyon. “You don’t have to do s**t for me, Griffin. Tigilan mo na ‘to, hindi na ako natutuwa.”

Tinitigan niya ako ng matagal. Hindi siya nagsalita. Wala rin akong makitang galit o inis sa ekspresyon niya. It tipped me to the edge at lalo ko lamang sinalubong ang mga mata niya, handang lagyan ng talim ang mga susunod kong sasabihin para lamang galitin siya ng sadya.

“Princess…” Then a sigh. “Who hurt you?”

Kumabog ang dibdib ko. The surprise to that inference gave me away.

“Even now, baby… you hold my gaze as if you think that was the key to winning whatever game you think we’re playing here. That if you look away, you’ll lose. This false sense of bravado, Lyselle… hindi ko maintindihan. Where the hell did you learn this?”

My hand shook. Napalunok ako at lalo lamang lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko nang doon naman bumaling ang mga mata niya na para bang natatakot din siyang mabitawan ko ang hawak kong pitsel at tray ng mga baso.

I shoved it to him and I waited until he took them before I dropped my hands. “I’ll take a shower and sleep. See yourself out anytime you like.”

Hindi ko na siya hinintay na magsalita. I marched towards my room and straight to the bathroom.

Pagpasok pa lamang sa pintuan ay naghubad na ako ng damit. I didn’t care much where I left it at the floor. I was just so tired, so pissed and so helpless. Hindi na ako nag-abalang isarado ang frosted glass door. Agad kong pinihit ang shower handle at tumapat sa ilalim ng lagaslas ng tubig niyon.

Nanatili ako sa ilalim, hindi gumagalaw, nakatungo lang at nakapikit. I let the voices take over my head, drowning my senses and pulling me into the darkness. For the first time in years, I heard them all at once. The despairing cry, the anguished scream, the snickering, the laughters, the horrifying sound of flesh pounding into another…

It was slow, tentative. It was as if it wants to make itself known for me to be ready at its insistence. But that warm touch on my waist crawling around my stomach from the back penetrated the bloody haze of my mind.

Sunod kong naramdaman ang labi niya sa kanang bahagi ng leeg ko. It made me gasp when I felt his warm breath on my skin. The heat from my neck traveled downwards, my blood surging up and my ears heard nothing but the hard beating of mine and his heart against my naked back.

There were times I thought six months was a very long time. Then I’d realize, it felt like that because of Griffin’s absence in my life. I try not to verbalize or even think about it. Nasa compartment lang siya ng isipan ko at wala akong intensyong ungkatin iyon. I acknowledged it once just so that I can move forward. But I thought, never again. Dahil hindi ko deserve si Griffin. I deserve no one in this life.

But humans are selfish, aren’t they? Kahit alam nilang hindi nila dapat kinukuha, kapag ipinain sa harapan nila, kukunin nila. This has always been the case with me and Griffin. He’d been dangled in my face again and again and I was just the weak human who gives in to the temptation.

I turned around to face him. Sa paggalaw na iyon ay nabigyang-daan ang tubig mula sa shower head na umalpas at basain ang kanyang katawan. The water hit his chest all the way down to his rock hard abdomen which I just discovered got leaner and more ripped over the six months he was away. The water sluiced down further to his adonis belt, along the length of his magnificent c**k standing in attention.

I licked my lips and looked at him. He was sombre but I saw something familiar in his eyes. Lust. The ever consuming passion hidden in the depths of his gaze. It made me shiver under the harsh coldness of the water.

Akma akong bababa upang lumuhod. But he knew what I was intending to do even before I started on it. So his hands flew to my shoulders to yank me upwards.

“No. Not this time.”

My body shook with the effect of his warm, gentle voice denying me what amounts to me as my escape. Nakaramdam ako ng inis. Ng galit. Ng sakit. All I knew was that he was rejecting me. And it made me crazy for a split second.

Only when his palm touched my left cheek and it went around my wet hair to clasp my nape and pulled me into a searing kiss did the anger dissipated and turned into raging lust. Gaya ng maraming pagkakataong nasa bisig ako ni Griffin, tumahimik ang mga tinig na nasa utak ko. They faded away, leaving me with only the loudness of my thoughts. Of me wanting to devour his lips, taste his tongue and reacquaint my body with the feel of his hardness against me.

Humigpit ang hawak niya sa likuran ng aking leeg. Kapanabay niyon ang pagkabig niya sa akin mula sa baywang ko. It made my skin press against his nakedness, his c**k rubbing against my navel. Anticipation built within me. I knew he felt the same when he groaned over my mouth, the kiss turned into a hungry display of possession.

“God, I love your mouth,” he murmured, his voice thick with lust and emotion I didn’t bother naming. “It’s so soft, so full… Sometimes, I never want anything but the feel of your mouth in any part of me.”

My lips quivered. Ramdam ko sa tinig niya ang desperasyon. Ang pananabik, ang kinikimkim na pagnanasa. I wanted to tell him to stop talking because talking will make me feel things I didn’t want to feel but he never gave me a chance to answer. He took my mouth again, this time much greater in intensity, as if he doesn’t plan on relenting from his assault anytime soon.

Despite what I’ve been thinking, my plans of never ever feeling the same way again about him, I craved touching him as much as I craved his touch on me. Iginala ko ang mga kamay sa lahat ng parte ng katawan niyang maaabot ko. His shoulders, his neck, his wet hair, then back down to his abdomen, around his waist, his lower back and his ass. I want him close. I want him so close to me it’s making me crazy.

“Princess… Oh, God, baby…”

Inabot niya ang hita ko, his hand on my waist going under my thigh and lifted it to make an opening for him. In one quick motion, while I was in the middle of catching my breath and getting my head together after his assault on my senses, his c**k slid inside me. Humigpit ang pagkakayakap ko sa kanya at napasinghap ako ng malakas nang dahil sa sensasyong iyon.

Hindi siya gumalaw kaagad ngunit dinig ko ang lakas ng kanyang daing at naramdaman ko ang yanig niyon sa gilid ng aking leeg kung saan naroon ang kanyang labi. I closed my eyes and tilted my head, giving him full access to that area. Ipinulupot niya ang isa kong hita sa paligid ng kanyang baywang habang ang kamay niyang nasa batok ko’y bumaba naman sa isa pa. He demonstrated his power when he lifted me all the way, his hands guiding my thighs around his waist as if he wanted me to tie my legs into a knot around him. Matapos niyon ay naglakad siya sa dulo ng cubicle at isinandal ako sa malamig na tiles ng pader. Ang tubig mula sa shower ay naglandas sa kanyang likuran, outlining the muscles there which turned me on so much that my p***y clenched in anticipation.

He groaned when he felt me tightening around his d**k and it inspired him to move. The feel of his length withdrawing from me in excruciating slow motion made me want to both press him against me further and hurt him at the same time just because I knew he was deliberately doing this. I tried meeting him, thrusting my hips forward but he held my waist and shook his head.

“Slow, princess. Slow and sweet this time.”

But I didn’t want slow! I want him undone. I want him wild. Hard. Deep.

He didn’t gave me the wild. But he gave me hard and deep. Everytime he thrusts deep into me, I moan in pleasure. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses akong nakiusap. It was excruciating, every second he pulls out felt like I’m going to lose my mind. I did everything I could to get him to move faster—gripped his hair, scratched his back, hit his arm, cried out in desparation. But he stuck to his rhythm, undulating his hips in exquisite leisure.

My only consolation was that I knew he felt the same desparation. He stayed on my mouth, never let it go unless he’d allow me to catch my breath. But even then he’d peppered light kisses on my lower lip or along the corner of it.

The buildup was slow. I cursed him for it over and over even as I basked in the glory and the feel of his mouth and his tongue inside mine. May mga sandaling pakiramdam ko’y hindi ako makahinga. I wanted him inside me. Always. I feel so empty when he’s pulling himself away. But when I felt the outcome of what he was doing, I almost sobbed in gratitude. Liquid heat pooled in my belly and traveled downwards. Mas lumakas ang mga daing niya, almost as if echoing mine. I felt his thrusts becoming forceful, slamming deep into me harder. His kisses grew bruising, possessing.

And then it all exploded into one blinding moment.

He roared his ascent to glorifying pleasure. I cried out mine. And all the while, Griffin never took his mouth away from me. It was as if he loathe to be away even for a few inch.

May katagalan bago lumipas iyon. In the midst of the silence and the lack of movement, I can still feel him pressing kisses on my open mouth. He was panting as I was but he still held me against him, his strength never wavering while I felt depleted and mushy.

Lumunok ako, ang ginawa’y unti-unti nang nagsi-sink in sa akin. Pinilit kong ibaba ang isa kong hita. Nang maramdaman ang malamig at basang sahig, ibinaba ko ang isa pa hanggang sa makatayo ako sa sarili kong paa. I unwounded my arms from his neck and pushed him away silently. Without a word, I stormed off from the bathroom.

Nang makalabas at humantong sa aking silid, nagmamadali akong kumuha ng nightgown sa closet at isinuot iyon. Hindi na ako nag-abala sa underwear at sa pagpapatuyo ng buhok ko. I climbed up the bed, pulled the covers over my head and curled up. Pumikit ako ng mariin, ayaw na may marinig na kahit na ano. I don’t care what I look like or what he thought about what I did.

Ilang minuto ang lumipas. Nawala ang lagaslas ng tubig sa banyo. Wala rin akong kahit na anong naririnig kung hindi ang tahimik na ingay lamang ng aircon sa kwarto. Then I heard the slow footsteps. Paklaro ng paklaro iyon habang papalapit sa kama. I can’t see anything under the covers but I can feel him so close.

Ilang segundo ang lumipas. Bumilis ang t***k ng puso ko nang naramdamang may naupo sa gilid ng kama. I was half expecting him to pull away the covers to force a confrontation but he did neither. He just sat there, silent. Possibly watching me showcase a full-blown cowardly display.

“Have I left it too long, princess?”

Nanigas ako sa kinahihigaan nang marinig ko ‘yon. It was full of anguish. His voice broken just like that last day six months ago.

Narinig ko siyang bumuntong hininga. “Naniwala ako no’ng sinabi mong kayo ni Adrian, alam mo ba ‘yon? I had no reason not to believe that. You’ve always been so crude and so honest about everything except your inner turmoils. Tuwing nakikita ko kayong magkasama, naiinis ako. You weren’t as laidback with me as you were with him. Kapag kasama mo ako, lagi kang nakaalerto. We've never had a single conversation where you’re just simply enjoying yourself without worrying whether or not you’re letting your guard down with me.”

Lumunok ako, nag-init ang gilid ng mga mata dahil sa mga narinig. May mga ilang pagkakataon akong naalala na nagbaba ako ng depensa at nakalimutan ang sarili ko na kasama ko siya. I’ve only been on guard with him because he affects me so much more than Adrian or any man has affected me.

“The only time when I seem to connect with you is when we have s*x. There, I can melt your defenses. I can make you vulnerable the way you undo me all the time. But I realized you were using it as a weapon against me to keep me farther from you. I’ve been there, Lyselle. I’ve done that with you, too, the first time we met each other again. I used s*x as an excuse but I’ve long threw that out of the window because I wanted you. I can’t make sense of it but I didn’t f*****g have to, baby. I just want you. All of you.

“Please tell me I didn’t left it too long. Dapat ba bumalik kaagad ako? Dapat ba nanatili na lang muna ako no’n para hindi tayo umabot sa ganito, Lyselle? I can feel the distance you’re weaving, princess, and it’s… God, it’s awful!”

Natutop ko ang bibig ko nang marinig ko ang tinig niyang nabasag. I can feel my heart clenching and I squeezed my eyes shut from the temptation of going over and holding him to me.

Para sa kanya rin naman ito. Griffin doesn’t deserve me. He doesn’t deserve someone as worthless as me.

“I won’t give up on you, Lyselle. But if I’m hurting you… If my presence in your life is causing you pain, then I’ll stop. All you need to do is tell me and I’ll stop. For you, if you ask for it, princess. For you…”

A tear slid from my eye and I wanted so bad to blink it back, pretend this isn’t happening and that I wasn’t feeling such mind-numbing pain in my chest. Gusto kong sabihing tumigil na siya. Ikumpirmang nasasaktan ako sa presensya niya pero kahit anong gawin kong pagtatangka, walang lumabas sa bibig ko.

I never hated myself more than I did that time. I wanted Griffin out of my life but when it comes to it, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell him that when he just gave me the opening to do so.

How pathetically evil was that?