Once Ice Grieves

NINE: Relapse

HINDI ko alam kung anong oras na ako nakatulog ng gabing iyon. Alam ko lang na hindi kumpleto ang naging tulog ko dahil nang magising ako’y parang may buhanging nakabara sa mga mata ko. Mataas na ang sikat ng araw noon. Nang tignan ko ang orasan sa bedside table ni Griffin ay nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makitang alas otso na ng umaga.

“You can sleep in, princess.”

Akma akong babangon noon nang marinig ko ang tinig niya. He came from the walk-in closet, knotting his black tie so casually that he didn’t even took his gaze away from me while doing them.

It had been an exhausting night. When he said we’d tour the house, we definitely did tour the entire house, going from room to room and f*****g each other’s brains out. Nang humantong kami sa master bedroom ay halos panawan na ako ng ulirat. I had orgasmed so many times that night that I can no longer count how many. And Griffin… Griffin was f*****g insatiable. Hindi ko alam kung paano niya nagagawang paulit-ulitin iyon. But the way he went at me last night, his d**k ready to go each time as if he didn’t just f****d me through a powerful climax previously.

“Hindi mo ako ginising,” nakasimangot kong reklamo, ang tinig ay paos pa rin dahil sa kasisigaw nang nakaraang gabi.

Amusement laced with desire at the memory of last night that caused my hoarse voice was written in his eyes. Lumapit siya sa kama at naupo sa tabi ko. “You can sleep in. Nag-text ako kay Ruth para sa ‘yo.”

Umarko ang kilay ko, panic sa ideyang malalaman ni Sir Ruth na magkasama kami ni Griffin ay nagpakabog ng dibdib ko. “What?”

“Using your phone, of course,” he said, making me exhale in relief. Muli siyang ngumiti. “I’ll run you a hot bath. I’m sure you’re sore.”

Yeah. Definitely very very sore.

Pinigilan ko siya sa braso nang akma siyang tatayo. “Okay lang. Hot bath will make me lazy. Okay na ako sa malamig na shower.”

His gaze softened then turned playful again. “Gusto mo ng kasama?”

I bit my lip. May sandaling tempted akong kunin ang alok niya. After all, the way he was dressed so neatly and perfectly makes me want to mess up everything and make him very dirty. “Nakabihis ka na, eh.”

Nagkibit siya ng balikat. “I can always take a shower and re-dress.”

I huffed a laugh. “Nah. Hindi tayo matatapos n’yan. But maybe I can drop by your office later while you’re in the middle of a very important meeting.”

Umarko ang kilay niya. A hand reached out to gently tuck a strand of my hair behind my ear. “Yeah?”

Ngumisi ako at sinadyang dilaan ang pang-ibabang labi ko. “Yeah. I’ll crawl in under your desk, unzip your fly, and take out your c**k so I can suck it in my mouth. See how much control you have.”

His eyes darkened and a quick glance at his crotch revealed a hardening d**k between his thighs. I caught that sharp intake of breath and I mentally grinned. God, it’s such a head rush turning him on.

“We can do that here,” he said, his voice thickening.

Nagkibit ako ng balikat. “Sinong makakakita? No one will know how wild you are, what’s the fun?”

He took a deep breath and cupped my face then brought it close to his. He planted a kiss on my lips down to the side of my jaw then to my neck and breathe in. “Me. I’ll know. I’ll know how mad I am with desire because of you. I’ll know how I lose my goddamned mind with the feel of your hot mouth and tight cunt, princess. God, gusto kong ibaon ang sarili ko sa ‘yo ng paulit-ulit.”

I darted out a hand to cover his mouth, my breath already uneven because of the images he’s making me picture. “At this rate, hindi na ako makakalakad ng deretso kapag nagtuloy-tuloy tayo. And I’d like to work today, thank you very much.”

He playfully bit my finger and I squealed. Mayamayay kinuha niya iyon at dinampian ng halik. “Fine. Take a shower, your clothes are in the bathroom. I’ll wait for you downstairs for breakfast, ‘kay?”

I smiled and nodded.

I showered fairly quickly. The breakfast he prepared was pretty uneventful, too. We just ate in comfortable silence with me savoring the coffee much more than I did the eggs and toast. After that, we rode together to work in his SUV driven by Luis who greeted me with a warm friendly smile.

Hindi ko na itinanong kung saan nanggaling ang damit na natagpuan ko sa banyo kanina. Hindi ko lang mapigilang ma-impress dahil kung sinuman ang pumili niyon, alam niyang tunay ang style ko—except of course for the expensive tags. I wore a white loose shirt with a printed black letters of the brand’s initials and a mandarin character beneath it. That was paired with a washed out denim boyfriend jeans. All of those conveniently went so well with the sneakers I had been wearing last night.

It was quarter to nine nang marating namin ang basement parking ng building. Hindi ako nagtaka at nasorpresa nang makitang kaming tatlo lamang nina Griffin at Luis ang naghihintay sa elevator mula roon. The Kingsley Tower has three parking slots: the basement, the one on the back of the main entrance and the other on the gated space across the tower which was an open parking space. Kadalasan, mga empleyado sa commerical spaces ng gusali ang nagpa-park sa open space parking. Convenient doon at libre so it made sense for the majority to prefer parking there. The others who can afford a little bit to pay for a few hours of parking ticket uses the one on the back. Kapag nagdadala ako ng kotse, doon ako gumagarahe. People who prefers the basement parking though are either those who has their own driver or chaffeur to bring the car back around to the entrance, is secretly sneaking out of the building or don’t want to be seen, has a lot of money to waste on a pricey parking fee or the owner of the building himself.

“What time are you leaving later?” dinig kong tanong ni Griffin sa tabi ko habang pareho naming hinihintay ang alinman sa dalawang elevator na makababa.

Tinignan ko siya at nagkibit ng balikat. “Hindi ko sigurado, eh. Pero baka late na. Dami ko rin kasing hahabulin.”

Mukha siyang may sasabihin pa pero agad na itinikom ang bibig at kaswal na nag-iwas ng tingin. I did the same, choosing to focus instead on the doors of the elevator in front of us.

It was stupid to feel like it but I know in the back of my mind that something between us has been shifting. I can’t quite put a finger on it yet and I really don’t wanna know but it’s causing all the bad things I have within me to urge me to withdraw from whatever this is.

Was that bad? I made a mental note to ask my psychiatrist that.

Bumukas ang elevator at pumasok kami ng sabay. I made a conscious decision to distance myself away from him a little, anticipating the people who may come in later once the lift stops at the ground floor. Si Griffin ay pumwesto sa kaliwa ko, Luis moving to stand at the corner beside him. Last time I saw before the elevator door closes, nakapamulsa ang mga kamay niya sa kanyang trousers. Nang maramdaman kong umakyat ang elevator, kasabay din niyon ang pakiramdam ng kanyang palad sa likuran ko.

Napatingin ako sa kanya, my eyes conveying my surprise and disbelief at the thought of him willing to expose whatever we have in front of so many people. Bumaling siya sa akin, ang mga mata’y walang bakas ng kahit na anong emosyon. His face was blank—or at least it was to me. To others, it was his usual kind angelic face. The pretense, the façade. His wall, I realized later on.

Na-distract ako ng pagtunog ng elevator kasunod ng paghinto nito. I straightened my back when the doors open, revealing a long line of people outside. Pinilit kong hindi pansinin ang palad at mga daliri ni Griffin na kaswal na naglalaro sa likuran ko, the pad of his fingers burning through the soft cloth of my t-shirt into the flesh of my back. I was planning to step away further but didn’t get a chance to when people filled up the entirety of the lift.

“Ice!”

I saw Adrian squeezing through the people in front of me. Napatigil siya sa saglit nang mapagkilanlan kung sinong nasa tabi ko, taking that opportunity to smile and greet his former employer before focusing all his vibrant attention on me.

“Dinaanan kita kanina sa building mo. Akala ko nando’n ka pa, eh.” Then he smiled sheepishly at iniangat ang dala-dala niyang dalawang cup ng sa tingin ko’y kape na naka-seal at nasa cup sleeves at bag pa. “Dinalhan na lang kita ng kape. Figured you’d need this.”

I licked my lip, mustered an easy smile despite the nervousness and the mixed confused feelings I was having over the feel of Griffin’s hand now creeping under my shirt from behind and actually caressing the flesh of skin there. Kinuha ko ang kape na inaalok ni Adrian, nag-iingat na hindi mahalata ang nagaganap sa likuran ko. Though God knows I was starting to wonder why no one from my side is looking at it.

“Thank you, Adrian.”

“Wala ‘yon. Nakapatay cell mo? Hindi kita matawagan kanina, eh.”

Nasa’n ko nga ba nilagay ang cell phone ko? I barely remember touching that thing since last night. “Lobat, eh. Charge ko mamaya sa office.”

Tumango-tango siya’t inilabas ang cell phone niya saka nag-browse at iniharap sa akin ang screen. Nakahinto iyon sa chat group ng team ko, a handful of pictures were sent and a lot of suspicious messages from my employees flooded the entire chatroom. Kinuha ko ang cell phone mula kay Adrian at nag-backread. Yi-Rim sent the photos from the event last night where I and Adrian are seen posing together. That was a little more than six in the morning. Ever since then, panay pambubuska at pang-aalaska na ang naging laman ng usapan na iyon, with all of them pairing me with Adrian saying we look good together or that they hear wedding bells in our future.

“I just thought you should know,” dinig kong wika ni Adrian. “Baka ituloy nila hanggang mamaya ‘yong pang-aasar, eh. Magkasama pa naman tayong bababa.”

I felt a tingle in my spine the same time I felt Griffin’s hand on my back pausing from its sensuous caress. Hindi ko alam kung paano pero sigurado akong nakita niya ang parehong mga litrato at conversations na binabasa ko. A sudden heavy tension engulfed the lift and I felt a little claustrophobic.

Lumunok ako at huminga ng malalim saka nakangiting ibinalik kay Adrian ang phone. “Nagbibiro lang 'yang mga 'yan. You know how they are.”

Ngumisi siya at tumango-tango. “Guess being called the power couple of advertising is a wee bit flattering.”

It was subtle but I heard that sharp short hiss beside me. Pinakiramdaman ko kung may ibang nakarinig niyon. No one. Not even Adrian who was facing me while typing up a message in that boyish grin of his.

Palihim akong nagbuga ng hininga, ramdam ang tensyon at init sa loob ng lift. It felt forever before the small LED indicator on the top of the doors indicated our floor and the elevator pinged and the doors open. Lumingon sa akin si Adrian, his eagerness mirrored his eyes and it stayed there even when he was saying goodbye to Griffin as a courtesy. Hindi ako makalingon habang lumalabas ng elevator, si Adrian ay nakasunod sa akin matapos magbigay ng daan at paunahin ako.

Outside the lift, I made an act of dusting my jeans to stall while Adrian keeps muttering things about the Trendy Shack campaign as he walks towards our office. Kalahati na halos ang sumasarado sa pintuan ng elevator nang mag-angat ako ng tingin para tignan si Griffin. It was very brief but I saw his eyes frosted, like the arctic. Cold and sinister while intently looking at me. A second after, the elevator closed shut.

“Ice? Tara,” untag ni Adrian na nang tignan ko’y hawak-hawak na ang pintuan at binuksan iyon para sa akin.

Ngumiti ako at sinundan siya. I went along with my day, trying to ignore the voice in my head that says Griffin was definitely angry and I had to do something, possibly suck his c**k thoroughly or let him f**k my brains out in his office to make up for whatever I had done.

I stilled when I realized what I had been thinking. f**k.

Alam ko nang masama para sa akin si Griffin noong una pa lang. Pero akala ko’y may ilang araw o ilang linggo o ilang buwan pa bago ako muling dumausdos sa parehong kadilimang kumakain sa akin noon. I was wrong. Griffin is bad for me. He can make me relapse in a snap and I’d be back to square one again.

That’s how dangerous he is.

“HERE you go, ladies. Enjoy.”

A chorus of joyful cheers errupted from our table nang ilagay ng bartender ang pangalawang set ng mga inuming inorder namin. Jampacked na ang Clique nang mga oras na iyon. It was to be expected since an exhibition will be held in a few hours. Sa katunayan ay tanaw ko na nga ang mga nakatayong scaffoldings at ang nag-iisang St. Andrews Cross sa gitna ng entablado mula sa VIP booth sa second floor na inookupa namin.

“For real? This guy?”

Mula sa two-way mirrored wall ay bumaling ako kay Deanne na nadatnan kong nakatitig sa cell phone. Mayamaya’y iniabot niya pabalik kay Nyla ang cell phone na iyon at tinaasan ako ng kilay. “Seriously?”

Kumunot ang noo ko. Maang akong nagpapalit-palit ng tingin sa pagitan nila ni Nyla, hindi sigurado kung nasusundan ko ba ang usapan. “Huh?”

Nahuli ko ang ngisi ni Autumn sa harap ko habang umiinom sa baso ng beer niya. Noon iniharap ni Nyla ang telepono niya at nakita kong nakatigil iyon sa Google Images page ng mukha ni Griffin King. My lips thinned and I glared at her.

“Okay, for the record, I don’t believe that,” sabay lagok ni Deanne sa shot glass niya. She winced and sucked on her lime before refilling her shot glass with more tequilla. “A multimillionaire like that has endless strings of women. Men like that, hindi ‘yan humihingi ng permiso sa kahit na sinong babae para makipag-s*x. He beckons, women spread their legs open like this,” and she then gestured a snap.

Natawa si Nyla. “Seryoso ako. He propositioned Lyselle!”

God. Why the hell am I friends with people who don’t know s**t about privacy?

Umiling-iling si Deanne. “Hindi ko ina-underestimate ang alindog mo, Ice, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t see Griffin King—one of the most eligible bachelors in and out of the country with at least a couple million to his name and a technology empire—pursuing a woman who dresses in cheap jeans, cheap shirts and cheap shoes bought from a thrift store online and works in a boring advertising firm. Kung kaya ng mga lalaking gaya n’yan ang magkainteres sa mga gaya ni Ice, hell, I would’ve been married eons ago!”

Tahimik kong iniangat ang shot glass ko at tinungga iyon ng deretso. Hindi ko sinagot ang sinabi ni Deanne. It wasn’t directed at me and to be honest, I can’t argue with that logic.

“They’re together.”

Naubo ako nang marinig ang sinabi ni Autumn. I was pounding my chest nang balingan ko siya ng tingin at nadatnang nakangisi siya sa reaksyon ko. Naglinya ang labi ko at dinukwang ko ang baso ng beer sa kanyang harapan saka ininom iyon para maagos ang bikig sa lalamunan ko. Nang maibalik ko ang baso’y lahat na ng pares ng mata’y nakatingin sa akin. Maski si Britanni na nakikitawa lamang kanina’y may interes na rin sa mga mata habang pinagmamasdan ang galaw ko.

“First of all… how?!” I yelled at Autumn who then laughed heartily.

“Ice, hindi ako pinanganak kahapon. Sa tingin mo ba hindi ko mapapansin ‘yang kinikilos mo? You think me being on a night shift would save you from the discovery?”

I bit my lip. Hindi ko maikakailang iyon nga ang iniisip ko. Dahil hindi ko nakikita sa gabi si Autumn, malakas ang loob ko ng nagdaang linggo na hindi umuwi sa penthouse. When she reverted back to being on the day shift by Friday, I stopped seeing Griffin. It was just as well too because our last interaction in the elevator didn’t sit well with me. That was five days ago. Autumn never gave me any indication she knew.

“So kayo nga?” nakataas ang kilay na tanong ni Britanni.

I frowned. “No!” Lahat sila’y napamaang nang marinig ang pagtataas ng boses ko. Mariin akong napapikit at huminga ng malalim. Again, I tried explaining in a calmer tone. “We’re… not committed to each other. Casual s*x lang. It was easier that way.”

“Kailan pa?” usisa ni Nyla.

Nagkibit ako ng balikat. “It started a couple of weeks ago.”

“I thought you don’t like pretty boys,” wika ni Britanni na may amusement sa tinig.

Napaisip ako sa obserbasyong iyon. She was right though. I’ve always been attracted to bad boys. Men with tattoos and piercings and those that looked like they’ll rip you to pieces in bed. I felt like they’re pretty straightforward. What you see, you get.

Nauunawaan ko ang pagkalito nila.

“I know. Don’t ask me, I’m confused, too. Basta… iba si Griffin.” Hindi ko maisplika. Alam ko lang na iba siya. Hindi ko siya ma-categorize. I can’t even put him in one box with one label. He is an angel but he can be the devil, too. He looks kind but he can be very dangerous. He is polite to some but can be rude on occasion. He’s all things I didn’t expect.

“Oh, well. Hindi naman masamang tumikim ng ibang putahe paminsan-minsan, hindi ba?” pagkatapos ay kininditan ako ni Deanne at tinungga ang huling shot niya. “Anyway, I’ll leave you guys here, I have a show to run. Be right back.”

Pinanood naming lumabas ng booth si Deanne at dumeretso sa ibaba para simulan ang exhibition. The next moments were spent in silence and occasional quips while we watch the erotic show downstairs. Hindi ko maiwasang makaramdam ng init kahit alam kong hindi naman ganoon ang gusto ko sa s*x. I’ve never practiced bondage or dominance and submission. I’m never into that but watching people caressing each other sensually…

Wala sa loob na inilabas ko ang iPhone at binuksan ang i********: para tunguhin ang Direct Messages ko. I located Griffin’s name, saw the last message he sent me today. I never noticed how quiet my house is at five in the afternoon. I remembered deliberately not sending a response dahil hindi ko alam ang isasagot doon.

Lumunok ako at nagsimulang magtipa. Tulog ka na? I hit send. And I instantly regretted it so I locked my phone and put it back inside my pocket.

Hindi ko halos namalayan ang sunod-sunod kong pag-inom ng alak. I was only made aware of my tipsy state when I felt my head spun a little when I stood up to go to the bathroom.

Naghuhugas ako ng kamay sa lababo nang mga oras na iyon nang marinig ko ang pamilyar na mga paghinga at mahinang ungol mula sa isa sa mga cubicles na nasa likuran ko. I paused for a moment, suddenly transported to a time when that was me in that stall, letting some inked stranger f**k me senseless while I was out of my mind with alcohol. Parang kailan lang. Parehong lugar, parehong ilaw, mga salamin, pero ibang pagkakataon.

“So what’s the problem with the guy?”

I blinked. Nang mapagkilanlan ang tinig na iyon ay sinarado ko ang faucet at tinignan sa salamin si Britanni na tumayo sa tabi ko at nagbubukas ng kanyang purse para kunin ang compact foundation at lipstick. “What?”

She stopped what she was doing and turned to me. “Griffin King. Anong problema mo sa kanya? Why casual s*x?”

I scoffed. “Can you imagine someone like that guy wanting a permanent arrangement?”

“With anyone else, no. With you, yes.” I stiffened, the words sounded strange to me. “At base sa reaksyon mo, alam kong hindi siya ang problema.”

Bumuntong hininga ako. “Brit—”

“Ice, don’t bullshit me,” sansala niya sa sana’y sasabihin ko. “Simula nang ma-diagnose ka, I’ve seen you evade men like the plague. Alam ko kung gaano naging mahirap sa ‘yo ang mga nagdaang taon. You’ve done so much to be careful not to fall back into the same destructive pattern—sometimes too careful that you build this huge wall around yourself to keep people at arm’s length. At hindi ako magtataka kung ganoon din ang ginagawa mo kay Griffin King ngayon. But do you think… that’s going to make you happy?”

I swallowed. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero naalala kong bigla ang lahat ng mga texts at private messages ni Griffin ng mga nagdaang araw. Casual messages asking if I’ve eaten or inquiring about my day or sometimes just sharing how his sucked so bad and that he wished my roommate would retake her previous shift back so I can snuck out. Cues I tried my best to ignore and entertain as little as possible because I didn’t want to overthink it.

“You’re punishing yourself.”

Hindi ko naitago ang pagsinghap. What Britanni said… it was so close to the damn truth.

“Ice… if you do this, if you let yourself be miserable, who do you think benefits from this? It sure as hell isn’t you. And it sure as hell isn’t the people who’s trying their best to show you they love you and that they care for you. Lyselle, kung hindi para sa ‘yo, at least para sa ibang tao na lang. Those who deserve it. Those that never—even for a bit—tried to take advantage of you or hurt you or use you. Give them an inch. Open a window. Maybe they’ll give you a mile, who the hell knows?”

Ang daming tumatakbo sa isip ko. Ang dami kong gustong sabihin. Pero kahit ni isa sa mga iyon, walang lumabas sa bibig ko. I wanted to argue. But what the hell can I say to that? In the end, Britanni smiled and placed a hand to my cheek before walking away with her purse.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal ako nakatayo roon bago natauhan at nagkaroon ng lakas na bumalik sa booth. Sina Nyla at Autumn na lamang ang nadatnan ko roon na nagtatawanan.

“Uwi na ako,” agad na paalam ko. “Medyo sumama ‘yong pakiramdam ko.”

Tinaasan ako ng kilay ni Autumn. “All of a sudden?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry. But don’t let me drag you. Stay here, don’t worry about me. I’ll order a ride.”

“Mm-kay. Pahinga ka. Uwi ako kapag nakalakad pa ako,” then she giggled and kissed me on the cheek.

I grinned. Humalik din ako sa pisngi ni Nyla na ayaw magpaawat sa pag-inom ng alak. “Pakisabi kay Deanne at Brit na nauna na ako. Have fun, you guys.”

It was hard finding a ride at that time of the night. Nakalabas na ako ng club ay wala pa ring kumukuha sa booking ko. Kung wala pa akong makukuha pagkatapos ng sampung minuto’y baka maghintay na lamang ako na may dumaang taxi.

“Ice… right?”

Napalingon ako sa tumawag sa pangalan ko. I immediately stiffened when I saw a familiar guy with a piercing on the corner of his mouth and a sleeve tattoo exposed due to him wearing a black muscle tee and a ripped denim jeans.

Hindi ko na matandaan ang pangalan niya but I was sure, he was one of the guys who I must have fooled around with before.

Lumapit siya sa akin ng may ngisi sa labi. He gave me a once over and his eyes twinkled with familiar lust that I was once attracted to. Humithit siya ng isang beses sa yosi niya bago itapon iyon sa harapan ko at tapakan. “Ang tagal kitang hindi nakita rito, ah. Kamusta?”

“Okay lang nam—”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makitang iniangat niya ang kanyang kamay at akmang hahawakan ako. I instinctively stepped back. Nakita kong napatigil din siya, ang ngisi’y naestatwa sa mukha’t tila hindi rin makapaniwala sa naging reaksyon ko.

“Babe. Ako ‘to. Don’t be like that. C’mon, I’ll give you a ride. Sa’n mo ba gustong pumunta? Hatid kita kahit sa’n. Your place? My place? Kahit sa’n, kahit langit.”

I didn’t like that feeling. It felt… disgusting. Where I had been grinning once previously at that salacious lines, now I just feel nothing but disgust. “No, thank you. Kaya kong umuwi.”

“Ito naman. Parang wala naman tayong pinagsamahan. Halika na…”

Muli na naman niya akong akmang hahawakan. Umatras na ako noon at handa nang tumakbo pabalik sa loob ngunit sa gulat ko’t pagkamangha’y may kamay na pumaikot ng mahigpit sa palapulsuhan niya’t pumigil sa pag-abot sa akin. I stared in shock as Griffin—dressed in a beige-colored sweatshirt and black pants—stood between me and the man. Mula sa anggulo ko’y nakita ko ang mga mata niya. It was sharp, sinister. He didn’t bother to hide the danger in those black orbs.

“You try to touch what’s mine again and I’ll break every single bone in your pathetic body and feed it to you.”

I held my breath. Christ. I would never want to be on the receiving end of that fury.