Once Ice Grieves

TEN: Closer

THE car ride home was silent. Not awkward silent. Just… silent. Hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula ng sasabihin sa kanya. Gusto kong itanong kung bakit siya nasa club. Gusto kong magpasalamat dahil sa pagpigil niya ro’n sa lalaking gusto akong iuwi kanina. But I can’t say anything. I don’t know why. Baka kasi dahil hindi siya nagsasalita so hindi rin ako nagsasalita? Korni naman no’n.

When we reached my building, sabay kaming bumaba ng kotse. Ngumiti ako ng bahagya nang lumapit siya sa akin. “Salamat sa paghatid.”

May katagalan ang pagtitig niya sa akin. There were no emotions in his eyes. It’s like a blank sheet of paper. Nothing’s there. Mayamaya’y tumingin siya sa building pagkatapos ay bumalik muli sa akin. “Ihahatid na kita sa floor mo.”

Napalunok ako. Napilitan akong tumango dahil wala naman din akong rason para tanggihan siya.

Tahimik din ang naging elevator ride namin. That time, naramdaman ko nang may awkwardness. I felt the urge to explain what happened at the club. And the past few days, too. Alam kong may inkling siya na iniiwasan ko siya somehow. That I was just making excuses. I kinda am, truth be told. I wanted to explain but I know and I’m pretty sure hindi niya rin maiintindihan.

Nang marating ang pintuan ng penthouse ay huminto ako para susian iyon. I opened the door and there was a two-second hesitation bago ako lumingon sa kanya. “Gusto mong pumasok? Magkape muna?”

His face softened and his eyes suddenly went from arctic cold to summer warmth. How the hell is he able to do that?

“Of course. Kung… hindi makakaistorbo.”

I smiled at him. Pumasok ako sa bahay kasunod siya. All lights were dimmed so I turned them on. Napahinto ako sa tuloy-tuloy na paglalakad papuntang sala nang makita ko ang mga magkakapatong na kahon na itinambak ni Autumn doon. All of those boxes took the entire living area, leaving no space for anything.

Alangan akong napabaling kay Griffin na sa mga kahon ding iyon nakatingin. Napakamot ako ng ulo. “Uhm… s-sorry. Kay Autumn kasi ‘tong mga ‘to, naghakot siya ng mga gamit mula ro’n sa rented storage room niya. We haven’t gotten around to sorting all these things out.”

Lumipad na sa isip ko ‘tong mga kalat na ‘to na itinambak ni Autumn noong isang araw. Damn it.

Ngumiti siya. “It’s fine. I don’t mind.”

“Uh… sa kwarto ko may space naman. May couch and may table. We can settle there. Kukuhanan lang kita ng kape.”

Patungo na ako sa kwarto ko para buksan iyon nang magsalita siya. “Samahan na kita.”

I stopped midstep at pakamot ng buhok na bumalik para sa kusina naman tumungo. Griffin was hot on my heels, silent and observing. Binuksan ko ang switch ng ilaw sa kusina at dumeretso sa counter para buhayin ang coffee maker. From the corner of my eye, I can see him going to the cupboard and fetching two cups from there saka ako dinaluhan.

“Cream?” untag niya sa akin nang matunton niya ang lalagyan ng asukal at creamer.

Tumango ako. “Yes, please. Half a spoon of sugar.”

I saw the corner of his mouth lift. “Never imagined you like sweets.”

I snorted at pinatay ang coffee maker saka ibinuhos ang laman niyon sa mga tasang nakaabang. “I’m one of those girls who put an extra caramel drizzle in her latte. Go figure.”

He chuckled.

Dinala namin ang mga kape at ang natitirang chocolate chips na nasa jar patungo sa silid ko. Gaya ng sinabi ko kanina kay Griffin, my room has a Cleopatra couch placed in an elevated center. May maliit na pabilog na center table at sa harap niyon ay ang Smart TV at mga maliit na speakers na ginagamit ko sa dating apartment. He placed the coffee on the table while I pushed down the throw pillows on the carpet at doon sumalampak saka binuksan ang TV.

“May gusto kang panoorin?”

Nakita ko siyang naupo sa tabi ko at nakataas ang kilay sa akin na para bang naa-amuse sa tanong ko. “We’re watching movies now?”

Saglit akong napipi roon. God, we’re backwards. Ironic how watching movies sounded intimate and personal to me and having s*x numerous times isn’t.

“Uhm… k-kung gusto mo lang naman.”

May katagalan muli ang naging pagtitig niya kagaya kanina noong niyaya ko siya papasok. Nawala na ang ngiti niya ngunit ang mga mata niya’y may kung anong emosyon na hindi ko mahinuha. “I’d like that. Kahit anong gusto mo.”

I bet he never streamed a goddamn Netflix movie in his life.

I chose To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. Classic Rom-Com. And I’d bet my ass, someone like Griffin King would fall asleep with a movie like this.

I got comfortable watching na parang ako lang mag-isa sa kwarto ko. Nakasandal ako sa Cleopatra couch sa likuran, yakap-yakap ang jar ng chocolate chip cookies. Occasionally, I see Griffin’s hand reaching out to get the coffee on the table, but other than that, wala na siyang ibang ginawa para kunin ang atensyon ko mula sa pinapanood.

I smirked at a scene where the female lead almost hit the male lead when she reversed her car in the parking lot. “Classic meet-cute,” I murmured to myself, kabisado na ang mga rom-com tropes gaya noon.

“Meet-cute?”

Napatigil ako at napatingin sa katabi nang marinig ang pagtatanong sa tinig niya. Umayos ako ng upo at inilapag sa mesa ang jar, leaving only the half-eaten cookie on my hand by then. “Meet-cute. It’s a staple on most rom-com films. Laging unusual or nakakatawa or cute na first meeting scenes no’ng dalawang bida.”

Nakita ko ang ngiti niya bago dalhin ang tasa ng kape sa kanyang bibig at sumimsim doon. He then stared at the TV, watching silently. Ako naman ay napako ang tingin sa kanya. Even in this profile, he’s gorgeous. Iyong nakakahurumentado ng hininga. I don’t think he ever experienced being ugly for even a day in his life.

Lagi kong sinasabi noon na ang mga kagaya ng mukha ni Griffin ay nakakaumay tignan. That was how people know me—I don’t like pretty boys. They’re soft, they’re one-dimensional. Boring. Walang masyadong thrill. Griffin though? Not in a million years. I could probably stare at that face for the rest of my life. It’s like being in the presence of an angel. Or maybe even a god—if gods has faces, that is.

Tumingin siya sa akin. Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin at tumikhim saka nagkunwaring inaabot ang kape ko sa mesa. I stared at the TV, scared that he’ll somehow know I was shamelessly gawking at him.

“I think we had a meet-cute.”

Maang akong napatingin sa kanya, ang tasa ng kape na dadalhin ko sana sa aking bibig ay nasuspende sa ere sa gulat ko sa sinabi niya. “Huh?”

His eyes twinkled. “You don’t remember, do you? You were ten years old then, you spilled pineapple juice on me and rolled your eyes when you were asked to apologize.”

Namilog ang mga mata ko, hindi matandaang nangyari iyon pero hindi rin maitanggi dahil alam kong may temper problem talaga ako noong dalagita ako. I was the only girl in a family of politicians. What the hell do people expect?

“T-that didn’t happen.”

Ngumisi siya. “It did, princess. Pero alam kong hindi mo na naaalala.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “I first met you at Dad’s office. You were arguing with Logan then. Doon kita nakilala. Hindi pa kita nakikita bago iyon.”

He was amused, I can see that. “Hindi ibig sabihin no’n na mali ako sa naaalala ko, Lyselle. Hindi ko makakalimutan ang unang kita ko sa ‘yo. There was such a huge difference with how you treated me between the first time and the second time you saw me.”

I winced. Kung totoo man iyong sinasabi niya, ibig sabihin ay naging saksi siya sa kabastusan ko noong bata ako. “Sorry. My rudeness was a phase. I had… anger issues.”

His smile was indulgent. His eyes and face were so soft I couldn’t feel any annoyance at him remembering how I treated him that first time. Kumunot muli ang noo ko, naalala kung anong sinabi niya kanina. “That wasn’t a meet-cute.”

“That is to me. Cute ka no’n kapag nagagalit.”

Noong una’y hindi ko alam kung anong ire-react doon. Nobody ever described me as cute. They’re either going to describe my face as pretty, too bitchy, or too cold. Never as cute. Kaya’t kalaunan ay napahagikhik ako, hindi alam kung saan galing iyon. But it was amusing to me. So I laughed.

“Hindi gano’n ang meet-cute!”

Tumawa rin siya, ang ngiti’y umaabot at humahawa sa kanyang mga mata. Kumabog ang puso ko nang makita iyon. His eyes were laughing, too. Twinkling, as if he really was happy.

Natulala ako sa pagkamangha. First time kong makita iyon sa kanya. Even before, pakiramdam ko’y stilted ang mga ngiti’t tawa niya kapag nakaharap sa ibang tao. I never trusted that he was sincere then. Lalo na noong napagtanto ko kung gaano siya kaseryoso at ka-intense. I realized he may have been faking his reactions to people to make himself come off as polite and angelic to match his face. Pero ngayon… ngayon iba ‘yon. Iba ‘yong ngiti at tawa niya. They were real. They were sincere. Carefree. Not a hint of pretense.

Kinuha niya ang kamay ko at ang isa’y ipinaikot sa baywang ko. With one swift motion, naiangat niya ako para mapaupo sa gitna ng kanyang mga hita, my back facing him allowing me to still see the movie in front of us.

“This is better,” he whispered, his breath fanning my skin and the next thing I felt was his soft lips against my right cheek. Ang mga braso niya’y tuluyang nang pumulupot sa baywang ko mula sa likuran. “I missed you, princess.”

Tuluyan kong isinandal ang sarili sa kanya at napangiti nang may naalala. “I found out tonight that Autumn knew.”

Isiniksik niya ang kanyang mukha sa leeg ko. He groaned. “I’m starting to feel a little dislike for your friend.”

Mas lumapad ang ngiti ko. I reached upward to bury my fingers in his hair. I can tell he likes that when I heard his soft sigh.

We stayed like that while I watched the movie play out. Sa tingin ko’y walang interes manood si Griffin. He would just kiss my neck or my shoulder, inhale my hair, smile against my skin everytime he hears me snort or scoff because of the movie. It wasn’t until that particular scene in the film when he actually lifted his face from the side of my neck to watch what’s happening. It was the scene where the main lead was asking the female lead why she didn’t ever had a boyfriend.

“Okay. Uhm… so love and dating? I… love to read about it, and it’s fun to write about, and to think about in my head but… when it’s real…”

“What? It’s scary?”

“Yeah.”

“Why? Why is that scary?”

“Cause the more people that you let walk into your life, uhm, the more that can just walk right out.”

Nagbago ang mood matapos niyon. Walang nagsalita sa amin pero alam kong nakikiramdam si Griffin. I can feel his fingers intertwining with mine which was resting on top of my lap. Mayamaya’y gumapang ang kaliwa niyang kamay sa palapulsuhan ko. A few inches from my wrist then he trailed a gentle finger over the inked phrase.

“I’ve always wondered about this…”

Napatingin ako sa tinutukoy niya. Paulit-ulit ang paglandas ng daliri niya sa tattoo ko roon. It was an intersecting arrows with the words before it in cursive saying I am not my failures.

“Had it done in New York when I turned eighteen,” kwento ko, pinagmamasdan na rin ang nakaukit na mga salita roon. Ang isang parte sa akin ay naaaliw sa pagpapabalik-balik ng kanyang daliri sa mga salita. “Maliit na palatandaan. I felt like I would need it at the time.”

Pinisil niya ang kanan kong kamay. “You were not your failures, princess.”

Napapikit ako.

On some days, lalo na noong nasa ibang bansa ako, mag-isa at walang kahit na sinong katuwang, mahirap paniwalaan ang simpleng mga salitang iyon. Ibinaon ako sa utang ng mga medical loans ko. Ang perang isinusustento sa akin ay huminto na pagtuntong ko ng College. All that was left in my inherited savings were enough to use for the condo unit that I lived in, my tuition fee, and the maintenance of the car I use to go around the city. Sa pagkain, sa counselling session at sa ibang mga bagay, kinailangan kong ipagtrabaho. It took me a while to graduate because of that. And by then, I was overworked to my bones that my exams were two to three points from failing. Pasalamat na lang ako at naipapasa pa ako ng mga professors ko noon.

“Is this the reason why you’re seeing a therapist?”

Naimulat ko ang mga mata ko sa katanungang iyon. Napalunok ako, hindi nagulat na alam niya ang tungkol doon pero hindi ko rin naman inasahang babanggitin niya sa akin iyon. “You kept tabs on me?”

Naramdaman ko ang pagbuntong hininga niya sa likuran ko. Ilang saglit pa’y naramdaman kong bumalik ang kanyang mukha sa gilid ng aking leeg at masuyong nagdadampi ng halik doon. “Just a bit to know what you were doing here for the past five years. Hindi ko alam lahat ng detalye.”

Thank f**k for that.

Natahimik ako. Naisip ko noon ang sinabi ni doktora. “A bridge, not a wall, Lyselle.”

Tonight, I was reminded of that when Britanni decided to s**t on that proverbial wall. “Give them an inch. Open a window. Maybe they’ll give you a mile, who the hell knows?”

Baka mali ako at tama sila. Baka nga natutunan kong gumawa ng pader, hindi ng tulay dahil takot ako. And even thinking of this now, I realized that I may have forgotten how to build a damned bridge in the first place. Nasanay akong manahimik. Gaya ng relasyon ko kay Griffin. Whenever I sense that he’s getting too close, I use s*x to stack a higher wall so he wouldn’t get through. He has secrets, too, I know. But he wasn’t deliberately building a wall like I was doing to him.

Huminga ako ng malalim, ang mga salitang lumabas sa bibig ko’y tila alien at hindi pamilyar. “Parte ‘to kung bakit.”

Lumunok ako, hinintay na magsalita siya o magtanong. I first felt his lips graze softly against the skin of my shoulder. When it became clear that he wasn’t going to push, inangat ko ang sarili para pumihit paharap sa kanya. I straddled his lap and his eyes fluttered, hiding his surprise. Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin habang inililingkis ko ang mga braso paikot sa kanyang baywang.

His lips parted, but he didn’t say anything. I smiled at him, kissed him softly on his lips and laid my head against his chest.

May ilang saglit na hindi siya gumalaw, waring nakikiramdam pa. Mayamaya’y naramdaman ko ang kanyang mga palad sa likuran ko. They reached underneath my t-shirt and caressed the bare skin. I sighed contentedly when I felt the warmth and gentleness of his palms.

“One day… when you’re ready, princess… I’d like to see her, too.”

Lumunok ako. Nag-init ang gilid ng mga mata ko at para bang may bumikig sa aking lalamunan. Pumikit ako't lalong sumiksik sa kanya. My heart felt like it was going to explode and I don’t know why. It made me both happy and scared at the same time.

In the end ay nakakuha ako ng lakas upang tumango. I looked up at him and granted him a small smile. “One day…”

His eyes shimmered with so much hope in them and I can feel my heart shattering into pieces. Oh, Griffin…

Kinaumagahan ay nagising ako sa tunog ng alarm clock ko. Mataas ang sinag ng araw at wala na rin si Griffin sa tabi ko. I reached for my phone on the bedside table para tignan kung may mensahe siya para sa akin pero wala akong nakita. I felt a tinge of disappointment ngunit agad ko ring pinalis iyon.

Lumabas ako mula sa silid matapos maligo at magbihis para maghanda na papasok ng trabaho. Agad akong napahinto sa paglalakad nang bumungad sa akin si Autumn sa sala na nakahiga sa ibabaw ng mga kahon niya at tulog na tulog. Ang kanan niyang kamay ay may hawak pang bote ng tequila na tumapon na ang kakapiranggot na laman sa sahig.

“Good morning.”

Akma ko siyang hahambalusin nang marinig ko ang pamilyar na tinig na iyon. Napabaling ako sa kusina ‘di kalayuan sa sala at nakita si Griffin na nakatayo sa harap ng kitchen island at nagkakape. His eyes were amused and his lips were grinning as if he was entertained sa nakita niyang gagawin ko dapat.

Natutop ko ang bibig ko nang ma-realize kung anong dinatnan niya kaninang paglabas niya ng kwarto. s**t ka, Autumn!

Hinakbangan ko ang malaking box na nakahambalang sa pagitan namin ni Autumn. “Bakla. Autumn, gising. Lumipat ka sa kwarto mo. Hoy.”

Ni hindi man lang naalimpungatan. Shet, ilang bote ba ng alak ang nilaklak ng babaeng ‘to kagabi?

Pabuntong hininga na pilit kong itinayo si Autumn. She moaned and protested when I pulled her upward so she can stand.

“Mmnn… Ice naman, eh, masakit ulo ko ehhh…”

“Sa kwarto ka matulog. Kahit matulog ka pa ng isang buong maghapon.”

Inalalayan ko siya papasok ng silid niya. Contrary to mine, her room was dimmed due to the dark blinds she installed a few weeks ago. Pareho halos ng size ang bedrooms pero mas kakaunti ang furnitures niya sa silid kaysa sa akin. Mas pinili niyang ilagay sa living room ang lahat ng appliances na mayroon siya kaya’t doon siya nanonood kapag gusto niya. All that she has here is a king sized bed, a few couches on the elevated center, and a table and swivel chair with her computer and laptop on top of it on the far side opposite of her bed to act as a make-shift office.

Nang maideposito ko sa kama niya si Autumn ay binuksan ko ang aircon sa silid niya. She moaned into her pillows and settled underneath her comforter. Amoy alak siya pero nagpapasalamat na lang ako na hindi ko siya naamuyan ng suka. After what seemed to have been an all night bender, that was definitely something I should be grateful about.

Lumabas ako ng kwarto niya nang masigurong okay na siya. Griffin seemed to have been waiting for me on the kitchen nang lumapit ako at humalik sa kanya. “Hi,” I said sheepishly, still embarassed about him possibly seeing Autumn in that state.

He chuckled bago muling humalik sa labi ko. This time, the kiss was drawn out and longer than the first one. “Hi, princess. Your friend still alive?”

I grimaced. Naghalungkat ako sa ref ng makakain habang si Griffin ay kumuha ng tasa para sa akin at tinimplahan ako ng kape. I smiled inwardly at the gesture and contrary to my knee-jerk reactions everytime he did something for me, I learned that I was most at peace when I welcome the feeling of gratitude his gesture inspires.

“So sorry that you had to see that,” sabi ko at bumalik na sa kitchen island nang makakuha ng itlog sa refrigerator. “And thank you so much for driving me home last night. I could have been worse than that had I stayed in the club.”

Yumakap siya sa akin mula sa likuran at humalik sa gilid ng leeg ko. “I can get used to this.”

Pinanood niya akong maghiwa ng sibuyas, bawang at kamatis, never for once letting me go. Saka lang siya bumitaw nang tumunog ang telepono niya at kinailangan niyang kunin iyon mula sa kabilang dulo kung saan niya ipinatong iyon. Napangisi ako nang pabuntong hininga siyang nagtungo roon.

I cooked a simple omelette and a fried rice to get us through breakfast. Naririnig ko ang usapan nila sa kabilang linya but truth be told I don’t understand a thing he was saying so I tuned it out. Nang naghahanda na ako ng mga plato sa island ay saka lamang siya bumaling sa akin at ibinaba ang cell phone bago ako tinulungan sa ginagawa.

I sat on the chair beside him and watched him serve me rice while drinking my coffee. It amazed me how he was able to easily match how I do my coffee gayong isang beses pa lang niya akong tinimplahan at kagabi lang niya nalaman ang preference ko.

“My father’s getting married.”

Muntik kong maibuga ang kapeng iniinom ko sanhi ng pag-ubo ko dahil sa pagpigil niyon. Agad siyang kumuha ng tissue at iniabot sa akin habang nakangisi sa amusement na hinihimas ang likuran ko. “I-I’m sorry, what?”

“That was my sister. Magpapakasal daw ang Papa.”

Napakurap-kurap ako sa kanya habang pinupunasan ang bibig ko ng tissue. “Your father’s what—seventy? Eighty? Ilang taon ‘yong pakakasalan niya?”

Nagkibit siya ng balikat. “Grace said he’s marrying his secretary. As far as I know, the woman’s on her mid-thirties.”

Namilog ang mga mata ko at napanganga. “Wow.”

Napailing din siya at ipinagpatuloy na ang ginagawa niyang pagsandok ng kanin sa pinggan ko. “I don’t think I’m in the right place to judge. Matanda na siya, alam na niya ang ginagawa niya.”

Kumunot ng bahagya ang noo ko. I’m sure somewhere he’s concerned about his father’s decisions, too.

Humawak ako sa braso niya. “Of course, you can judge. You’re his son.”

Bumaling siya sa akin, may maliit na ngiti sa kanyang labi. “Sino ako para humusga? We’re both cradle robbers, princess.”

It took me a while to understand what he meant. Nang mapagtanto kong ang tinutukoy niya’y ang age gap namin ay nanlaki ang mga mata ko’t namula ang pisngi ko. Gosh. I never thought he’d be thinking like that.

Narinig ko siyang natawa. “Would you believe it, you blushed!”

Mas lalo akong namula nang mapansin niya. I groaned and began stuffing my mouth with food to ignore him. Tumatawa siyang humalik sa pisngi ko. “See? I told you you’re cute!”

Tinitigan ko siya habang nginunguya ang kinakain. Babalingan ko sana siya ng masamang tingin ngunit hindi ko nagawa nang makita ang mukha niyang nakangiti at nag-aabang sa akin. He’s happy. He’s sincerely, really happy. And it… it warmed my heart. Silently, unconsciously, I wished he’d always be like that.

I wish I can always make him happy. Because I think, Griffin’s happiness chases away the voices in my head.