Once Ice Grieves

ELEVEN: Monster

ISINARADO ko ang drawer sa bedside table ko saka tumayo na at nagtuloy-tuloy palabas ng silid. Nang makita ako ni Autumn na nasa sala’t nakataas pa ang mga paa na nanonood ng TV ay agad siyang napabalikwas. “Woah! You look motherfucking expensive!”

Tumaas ang kilay ko at napatingin sa suot kong damit. I wore a beige-colored striped halter maxi dress with a side slit. Nagpareha lamang ako ng may kakapiranggot na taas na open-toe heels. Though both the shoe and the dress is not expensive.

“Dude, sa Ukay-ukay ko lang nabili ‘to.”

Ngumiwi siya sa akin. “Christ, Lyselle.”

Ngumisi ako at nagpaalam na sa kanya.

Tonight was the Pharmacon’s Gala and Auction Night. Dahil wala ring masyadong time ang mga boss sa Brand & Beyond para paunlakan ang imbitasyon, sa huli’y kami lamang ni Adrian ang nagpunta. Gaya ng nauna naming usapan, sinundo niya ako sa building dahil siya ang nagprisintang mag-drive ngayong gabi.

“Sorry, kanina ka pa?” untag ko sa kanya nang makita siyang nakatayo sa labas ng revolving door ng unit building.

Nakangiti siya nang lumingon ngunit nang masipat akong maigi ay naestatwa ang ngiting iyon at unti-unting napalitan ng pag-awang ng kanyang labi at pamimilog ng mga mata.

“Woah. You look… gorgeous.”

Ngumiti ako. I took in his outfit—he was wearing a gray waistcoat with a black dress shirt underneath paired with a striped beige necktie. His pants were the same color, too, and his belt was only darker in shade.

“You cleaned up well, too.”

Napahawak siya sa kanyang batok at ngumiti. Noon ko napansin na nakaangkla sa kanyang braso ang gray ding suit jacket. That must have been an expensive three-piece suit.

“Halika na? Baka ma-traffic na tayo sa daan.”

Tumango ako at ibinigay na sa kanya ang susi.

Hindi naman gaanong trapik hindi tulad ng inaasahan namin. Under an hour ay nakarating kaagad kami sa hotel kung saan gaganapin ang event.

I thought the hotel looks posh and screamed too much of a first world accommodation. Parang nakahulma ang disenyo ng lugar sa mga five-star hotel na napapasukan ko noon sa New York. Pagpasok namin ng function hall, sinalubong kaagad kami ng ingay ng mga host na inaanunsyo ang susunod na tagapagsalita.

When we came to our reserved table, we realized we were seated with some of the clients we handled previously. Pinakilala ko si Adrian sa kanila. They were kind enough to continue the conversation and they seem to be interested with him and his works as well.

Mga ilang saglit pa iyon nang biglang bumaling sa akin si Adrian at bumulong. “I think I saw my former boss, Ice. Ipapakilala kita, tara.”

Former boss? Sa Kingsley Tech? Shoot.

I vaguely remember Griffin telling me yesterday when I was at his place that he had a party he’d be attending as a guest tonight. Bilang nagkataong pareho kaming may lakad ay hindi kami nagkita ngayong araw. Ito ba ‘yong party na tinutukoy niya?

“Adrian!”

I’ve seen this woman before. Iyong magandang lumabas mula sa opisina ni Griffin noong unang punta ko ro’n. Siya iyong bineso ni Adrian sa pisngi ngayon.

“Kamusta, Ma’am Camille? Ganda n’yo po lalo, ah!”

She chuckled and was holding Adrian’s shoulder as if she was very fond of him. “Hindi na talaga nagbago ‘yang pagka-bolero mo! Teka sandali…”

By that time, sigurado akong hindi niya pa ako napapansin ni nakikita. I was at least two steps away from Adrian then na sumusunod lang sa kung saan siya hatakin ng dati niyang boss. As it turns out, she brought him to a tall table where a couple of men stood. Humawak siya sa braso ng isa sa mga naroon at nang lumingon ito’y iminuwestra niya si Adrian dito.

I wasn’t surprised to see Griffin there and I wasn’t at all surprised to realize he was with her. Pakiramdam ko’y may parte sa aking inaabangan na makita uli ang babaeng iyon. She seemed to be an integral part of Griffin’s life; what with the way she knew his schedule and the way she can freely shoo away his guests on his behalf that day in his office.

Hindi ko naririnig ang naging pag-uusap nila but I think she was telling Griffin about Adrian. Kilala ni Griffin si Adrian. He knew if he was here, he’d be thinking I won’t be far away.

Nakumpirma ang kutob kong iyon nang makitang gumala ang mga mata ni Griffin lampas sa balikat ni Adrian nang nagpaunlak siya ng pakikipagdaupang palad dito. Our eyes met and despite the disturbing flashes of light coming from the huge LED monitor mounted at the center of the stage contrasting the dim lights, I can see his tiny smile when he saw me.

Sukat at doon yata naalala ni Adrian na kasama niya ako. Lumingon siya at iminuwestra ako kina Camille at Griffin pagkatapos ay ngiting kinukumpas sa akin ang kamay niya para tawagin ako. I gave him a tight-lipped smile at napilitang tumungo kung nasaan sila.

“This is Lyselle Ocampo. She’s a team lead and a project manager from Brand & Beyond. I’ve been shadowing her for weeks,” pagpapakilala ni Adrian sa akin sa dalawang kaharap. “Ice, this is my former boss, Miss Camille Espina. This is our CEO, Mr. King.”

Nakita ko ang pilit na ngiti ni Camille nang mag-abot siya ng kamay sa akin. I saw the awareness from her eyes and the wariness. She knew me. I’m sure of that.

Ngumiti ako at inabot ang kamay niya. Nang bumaling ako kay Griffin, nakita ko ang amusement sa mga mata niya. Na para bang nais niyang ikatuwa ang naging tagpo namin ngayong gabi. For a moment, I can concede to his amusement. May parte sa aking ganoon din ang nararamdaman. So when I reached my hand out for a handshake with him and he instead brought my hand towards his lips to kiss the back of it, I couldn’t help but smile. Nang makita iyon ay lalong nagliwanag ang kanyang mukha at ngumiti sa mga kamay ko.

Too aware that we may be being watched, tumikhim ako at bahagyang hinila ang kamay ko mula sa kanya. Humabol pa siya ng pisil doon bago niya tuluyan iyong pakawalan.

Adrian and his former boss caught up with each other. Base sa naging usapan nila, I learned that Camille Espina was Kingsley Tech’s Chief Marketing Officer. She supervises all of the marketing and advertising works within that entire company.

Naputol lang ang usapan nila nang may ibang bumati kay Griffin at kay Camille. Adrian and I got separated some time along that party. May mga humila sa kanya, mayroon din namang mga kumausap sa akin. I was drowned out by all the socializing needed to keep faces and to keep our firm’s circle a little bit wider.

“Miss Ocampo! This is a surprise!”

Lumingon ako’t nakita si Milagros Roxas, marketing affiliate ng isa sa mga long-term clients namin. I smiled at her when she purposely strode towards where I was standing. Lagi ko siyang nakakatrabaho noong advertiser at consultant pa ako dahil sa akin madalas naitataon ang mga proyekto ng kompanya nila. Last I heard though, she resigned and is now working in PR.

“Hi, Miss Mila! Kamusta?”

Bumeso siya sa akin at may ningning ang mga mata nang kumalas. “Balita ko na-promote ka months ago. Sabi ko na nga sa ‘yo doon ka rin papunta eh!”

Natawa ako, naalala ang mga pambubuska niya at pambobola sa tuwing may matatapos kaming trabaho. “Nagkataon lang na umalis ‘yong boss ko at nangailangan ng replacement. I was the closest in terms of tenure.”

She snorted and rolled her eyes. “As if! You were better than that b***h you replaced. She absolutely took credit of your works!”

I was amused but didn’t say anything. I guess my former boss rubbed our clients’ the wrong way, too, as she did with me and the rest of her team.

“Well, anyway, as you know, nasa Public Relations na ako,” pagpapatuloy niya sa sinasabi. “It’s better here, I think. More money. And besides, you already know your bias with PR. Iba sa advertising.”

Napatanong ako sa sarili ko kung bakit laging ang bias at ang laki ng sahod ang naririnig ko sa mga taga-PR. “I’m happy for you in that case.”

“Ni-refer kita sa kaibigan ng boss ko.”

I tilted my head in inquisition. “Politicians?”

Ngumiti siya saka lumingon at may tinawag. A couple of people emerged from a certain group, about four of them. I froze when I saw his face. The second guy walking towards us dressed in a sleek navy blue suit jacket, pinstripes tie and trousers in matching color, he was grinning widely when he saw me. His eyes sparkled, glinted in mischief and amusement. All the noise inside the function room evaporated and I can only hear the rising voices in my head, murmuring awful things, giving me horrible blurred images of the past as if taunting me.

“Lyselle, this is Mr. Logan Ilagan. He’s a lawyer and the founder of one of the biggest non-government organization in the metro today. He’s running for Senate in the upcoming elections and he’ll certainly be needing a good consultant like you.”

Pakiramdam ko’y bigla akong nawalan ng hangin. Sumikip ang dibdib ko at nanlabo ang mga mata ko. Everyone was a blur but him. His face with that sinister stare. His tongue darted out to lick his lips as if mocking me before he held a hand in front of me.

“Miss Ocampo. I’ve heard great things about you.”

Tinitigan ko ang kamay na iyon. I can feel myself losing it. I can feel him sensing my weakness, my obvious discomfort and I was seconds away from cowering away like the chickenshit I was years ago.

Narinig ko sa utak ko ang tawang iyon. That horrible, horrible piercing laugh of a man who no longer sees a human but a prey in front of him. At hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling ngunit huminga ako ng malalim, plastered a fake smile in my lips and steeled myself to shake his hand.

Nakita kong nawala ang ngiti niya. Nakita ko sa mata niya ang pagdadalawang-isip. I nearly forgot. My fear empowers him and my bravado disconcerts him.

You piece of s**t.

“Iwan na namin kayo ha?” I barely heard Milagros say beside me. “Naku, Lyselle, I hope you really can join the PR world. Mage-enjoy ka. And besides, working for Mr. Ilagan will be a worthy advocacy. He’s helped so many people and we’d like to see someone like him with a seat in the senate.”

Nagtagis ang bagang ko at nandiri sa narinig. God knows I will do anything to ruin his chance of acquiring that seat if I’m able. Sa impyerno siya dapat may kalagyan. Hindi rito.

Binawi ko ang kamay ko at ginawaran siya ng matamang titig. I was conscious of the people passing us by, the others forming their own groups, talking about a variety of things that do not have any relation with this godforsaken event.

“Wouldn’t it be nice to get you under my employ? I’m sure Lolo will have a fit,” aniya sa nanunuyang tono.

“Your audacity to declare a candidacy astounds me, Logan. Pero hindi ako nagugulat. Mula noon hanggang ngayon, hindi ka pa rin tinutubuan ng kaluluwa.”

Tumawa siya. For some, it was a pleasant sound. As if he was enjoying a conversation with me. But to me, it grated. Took me to another place, another time. Parang gusto kong masuka.

“Oh come on, my dearest sister! Umuusok pa rin ba ‘yang ilong mo dahil sa nangyari noon? You’re better than that. Isa pa, nasa dugo natin ang politika. Ipinagpapatuloy ko lang ang nasimulan ng Daddy bilang… ako na lang naman ang pwedeng gumawa no’n. Between you who destroyed our parents’ life and Prim who was an absolute clusterfuck, Lolo knows I’m the man for the job.”

Nagngalit ang ngipin ko at tinawid ang maliit naming distansya. His eyes leveled with mine. I swear I would’ve spat at his face if I could. “You’re neither a man and an Ilagan, Logan. You’re my mother’s bastard from another man who tooks his own life because he didn’t want to be saddled with a sadistic motherfucker like you.”

Nakita ko ang mabilis na pagpapalit ng emosyon sa kanyang mga mata. His laidback ease faded away. It was replaced by a dangerous, sinister glint. The familiar look that I’ve seen many times before. The face he shows their victims before terrorizing them.

“Careful, my little sister. Hindi mo gugustuhing galitin ako.”

“Ditto, half-brother. Nakakalimutan mong hindi mo ako kayang takutin. I have faced Satan square in the face and shot him straight in the balls without blinking. Do not provoke me.”

We stared at each other for a long time. It was a test of endurance. Of dominance. Whoever loses diminishes their own footing in an internal war. Sa dami ng pagkakataong nagkaroon kami ng engkwentrong ganito ni Logan, my favor over my grandfather was what made me win everytime. However, that is no longer the case. Slowly, he gained the favor of my father. Thirteen years after, he gained my grandfather’s. Aware akong wala akong balang maibubuga sa kanya ngayon. All of the odds seemed to be on his side. It was terrifying for me to think of it that way. The endless significances of what it would be like if he gets what he wants now shook me to the core, frightened me to the depth that I could feel my palms sweating and my heart lurching forward until it gets stuck to my throat.

Anim na buwan mula ngayon, eleksyon na. At sa pagkakakilala ko kay Logan at sa Lolo ko, planado na ang lahat at naka-plantsa na ang mga iyon noon pa man. Even before they decided this year’s the time to do it, they have arrange the path for execution. Paved the way for him like every Ilagan generation preparing for his successor to take over. There’s no way they will allow anyone to stop them—not even their flesh and blood.

Matagal bago siya umatras ng isang hakbang, creating a separation and breaking the tension that I was sure would escalate into something else. Bumalik ang mayabang niyang ngiti. Ang ere na kagayang-kagaya ng kay Daddy.

“Hindi ka pa rin talaga nagbabago. Hindi mo pa rin alam kung paanong kokontrolin ang tapang mo, Lyselle. The same bravado that have made you an enemy to us. I guarantee you, if you so much as do something to sabotage me and my candidacy, that same bravado will be the one that will end your life.”

“Pinagbabantaan mo ba ako?”

His eyes lit in amusement. “Hindi ‘yon pagbabanta. I’m just telling you what will happen to you sa oras na sumpungin kang muli ng hero complex mo. I always deliver, my beloved sister.”

“Everything that happened thirteen years ago will be bared free once you succeed and the people digs around your life, you bastard. Was that what you want? To be in the same hell Father is? For everyone to know how sick and depraved the Ilagan men are?”

Tumawa siya na walang bakas ng takot sa mukha. Umiling-iling siya saka idinampi ang palad sa pisngi ko. I swatted it away causing him to grin as if we were just siblings engaged in a normal banter.

“Oh, you poor Lyselle. So righteous. Get off your high horse. Ilagan ka rin. If we were sick and depraved, so are you. Don’t act as if you’re a saint who never offered your body to random strangers to f**k and debase. In fact, you’re worse than us because you beg for c***s. You cry out for them, do everything in your power to feel one pulsing in every available orifice of yours like a goddamned junkie. At least we don’t beg, Lyselle. We take. We demand. And that is your greatest flaw, my dearest sister. The one flaw that made your father hate you even as Lolo tolerates your existence. You’re a woman. At walang lugar ang mga babae kundi sa sahig, nakaluhod, at nakayuko sa harap ng mga lalaki.”

My heart was at my throat, my mouth. I couldn’t dislodge it fast enough to speak. Mas nauna siyang tumalikod sa akin. Nakangiti, keeping up the appearance that he had a good talk with me about mundane things a would-be politician would have. I released a shaky breath when he was out of sight. And through the wet, blurriness of my eyes, I tried to walk away from that floor and navigate to the bathroom where I threw up my guts, the vile of his words and his existence a sickness to my insides then and now.

And it seemed, that may even last until my death.