Once Ice Grieves

TWELVE: Between A Rock And A Hard Place

“YOU can’t stare at them all night. Baka matunaw ‘yan.”

I flinched when I heard the voice so close behind me. When I turned over my shoulder, nakita ko ang lalaking nasa likuran ko, katabi ang isang pamilyar na aktres na nakasandal sa may pader bandang dulo. What was her name? Emily Noblejas. I’ve seen her in a couple of films. She was beautiful on screen and is certainly more beautiful in person. She wore a red dress, a hint of her creamy white breasts showcased lusciously against the deep V of her tube and her long legs shown through the long slit of her skirt.

Sinundan ko ang tingin niya. Nakita kong nakasentro iyon kina Griffin at Camille na nagsasayaw kasama ng iba pang mga naroon sa gitna ng function hall. A slow song was blasting through the numerous speakers around the place. It was romantic. Both of them in the center, it feels as if I was watching a goddamned romance flick.

“They really look good together, don’t they?” wikang muli noong lalaki na para bang kinuha niya ang eksaktong iniisip ko mula sa isipan ko.

My hold on the stem of the wine glass tightened. Sa layo kong iyon, nakatago sa maraming tao at sa dilim, nakikita ko kung paanong gumala ang mga mata ni Griffin. Looking, searching. He was agitated, I can tell that by the way the muscles on his back was clenched and his jaws were rigid tight. The thinning of his lips was a dead give away, too, however, hindi ako malapit para makumpirmang iyon nga ang makikita ko roon.

“Hindi niya gusto si Camille,” dinig kong sabi ng babae sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon. I hadn’t really noticed her there earlier when I was wallowing with the crazed thoughts in my head and still reeling from the encounter with my half-brother. “Wala siyang kahit na anong nararamdaman para sa babaeng ‘yan.”

“Emily, come on. Hindi ba oras na para tanggapin mo sa sarili mong nanalo na si Camille? Griffin King did not keep you. He had no intention of doing so even then. Maswerte ka nga’t tinapos pa niya ang pagpopondo sa huli mong pelikula bago niya tuluyang tinapos ang asosasyon niya sa ‘yo.”

My teeth grinded inside my mouth and my gaze sharpened.

Narinig kong umismid si Emily. “He values Camille Espina the same way he would value a prized trophy, Salud. He’d admire it, store it, be happy with it in a fleeting moment but he wouldn’t have a use for it aside from the occasional adornment. She will never truly know Griffin the way I knew him—the beast beneath that angelic exterior.”

I stopped myself from inhaling a sharp breath.

Akala ko noon, kapag nakompronta ako ng katotohanang hindi lamang ako ang una at nag-iisang babae sa kama at buhay ni Griffin, kaya kong i-handle iyon ng may dignidad at may indifference. I thought it wouldn’t grate at my guts because I knew, I expected as much and I was prepared.

Hindi pala gano’n. Iba pa rin pala ang marinig at magkaroon ng kumpletong imahe sa utak ko kung paano siya bago ako.

Tumalikod ako at naglakad palayo. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako tutungo noong una pero natagpuan ko ang sarili kong bumabalik sa banyong pinasukan ko na kanina. I had no idea how many minutes I stood in front of the sink and stared at myself in the mirror. I was washing my hands continuously, mindlessly. The voices, I keep hearing them now. They were no longer dull and inaudible. I can make out their words now. Clearer and clearer…

“Emily. What a surprise.”

I jerked to reality when I heard the familiar voice. Pinatay ko ang faucet at tumingin sa salamin para ipagsino ang mga pumasok sa banyo. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita sa bandang pintuan sina Emily Noblejas at Camille Espina, magkasunod yatang papasok ngunit nanatili doon habang magkatitigan na tila hinahamon ang isa’t-isa.

Tahimik akong pumasok sa loob ng cubicle at buong ingat na ini-lock iyon para hindi makatawag ng pansin. I sat atop the closed lid of the toilet bowl, listening intently. Base sa lagaslas ng tubig ay mukhang narating na nilang dalawa ang lababo. I can only imagine what they look like while staring each other down through the mirror.

“So…” I heard Emily purr from outside. “Has he f****d your pretty, expensive cunt yet?”

Natutop ko ang bibig ko sa narinig. That was something I would never expect from a high profile celebrity like Emily Noblejas. God.

“It’s none of your business. You’re no longer the p***y keeping him hot at night. Try not to be bitter about it.”

“You couldn’t have said no louder than that,” sabay tawa na parang tinutuya pa niya si Camille. “Isn’t it a pity, Camille? A man as virile, potent, and strong like Griffin refuses to turn to you even when you’re desparately parading your body under his nose. Kahit yata maglakad ka ng nakahubad sa harap niya, hindi ka niya papansinin. You can never warm his body the way I can. You will never hear his groans and moans as he drive his c**k hard as a granite in and out of your wet cunt. Because in the first place… you will never make him as hot for you the way I did.”

It was getting harder and harder to breathe at that moment. Pakiramdam ko, muling bumabaliktad ang sikmura ko at gusto niyang muling itapon ang alak na kapapasok lamang doon kani-kanina.

A sharp slap echoed in the air and I just knew that was Camille slapping Emily’s face kahit hindi ko nakikita. I would’ve done the same if I was in her shoes except I wasn’t. And I couldn’t be more glad than I was right now dahil alam kong hindi ko na kakayanin pa ang isa na namang komprontasyon ngayong gabi. I am way exhausted and far beyond my limits tonight.

“Ang tanging hawak mo lang kay Griffin ay libog. Hindi mo siya kilala at hinding-hindi mo siya kahit kailan na makikilala. You don’t know his story, you don’t know who he truly is. Not because he chose you to warm his bed temporarily means you’re above me, Emily. He’s using you to keep me by his side. You were his toy and toys can be cast aside. Ako, hinding-hindi niya ako kahit kailan kayang itapon ng basta-basta gaya ng pagtapon niya sa ‘yo.”

Another one of that sharp slap, harder than the first one. Nang mga oras na iyon, hindi ko na alam kung sinong sumasampal sa kanino.

“You were there that night, hindi ba? You saw for yourself whose body and touch he responded to. That was me. Not you. Do you know why? Eye candy ka lang ni Griffin, Camille. He might marry you in the future but he will keep you like he would a trophy wife. In the end, sa akin pa rin ang bagsak niya. And maybe occasionally, he’ll still command you to watch while he f**k me again and again so you can prove your loyalty to him, your desire to stay with him despite the knowledge that he will never be truly and completely yours. That every night he comes home to you, his back would bear the mark of my nails, his d**k buried in my p***y and covered in our shared orgasm earlier that day.”

Hindi ko na narinig pa ang iba pa niyang sinasabi. Tinakpan ko ang tainga ko at ipinikit ang mga mata ko. Hindi ko kayang marinig ang mga kasunod niyon. Emily knew Griffin the way I knew him. We shared that knowledge and it pained me, disgusted me to no end and I couldn’t breathe any longer.

I knew I was having a full blown panic attack. I was stuck in that cubicle, not sure what to do. My world was spinning, the walls were getting tighter and tighter and I can’t breathe.

Pakiramdam ko’y halos kalahating oras bago ko napakalma ang sarili ko. By that point, I was close to fainting. Nang lumabas ako sa cubicle ay nakita ko ang strain sa mukha ko, ang pagod at ang dinadamdam kong sakit. That was the reason why I braved the crowd to find Adrian. I needed to get back home.

“Adrian…”

Natagpuan ko siya sa mesa kung nasaan nakalagay ang fruit punch. He was picking up a glass na binitawan niya nang makita ako. “Ice! Where’ve you been? Kanina pa kita hinahanap, may ipapakilala sana ako.”

Pinilit kong ngumiti sa kanya, his eagerness and energy relieved a bit of my exhaustion and internal struggle. “I’m sorry. Hinanap lang kita kasi magpapaalam na sana ako. I can take a cab kung kailangan mo no’ng kotse. Wala namang kaso, maaga pa naman.”

“Oh, well… uh… Look, I promised this one prospective client I’ll look into his materials. Half an hour, okay lang ba? Ihahatid kita.”

“Naku, hindi na. Stay here, maaga pa. I hate to spoil your fun.”

Ngumiti akong muli nang nakita kong nag-iisip siya ng isasagot at gagawin. I squeezed his arm to let him know I was okay bago ako tumalikod sa kanya. I was surprised, however, when he took my arm back and gently spun me around.

May kung ano sa mga mata niya noong oras na iyon. That look was familiar. I’ve seen that the first night he drove me home. His gaze then dropped to my lips and then he slowly leaned in. Saglit pa siyang sumulyap sa akin na parang humihingi ng permiso bago nagpatuloy. I knew what he was going to do but I couldn’t—for the life of me—say no.

In the end, his lips touched mine. It was chaste. Fleeting. And I felt… nothing. Nothing at all.

Humakbang ako paatras. Nang mag-angat siya ng ulo, kasabay niyon ang paggalaw ng isang tao sa likuran niya na may kalayuan sa amin. In that crowd, Griffin was a sore thumb. Not because he was furiously arguing with Camille and July Conrad who was holding him back from going after me. But because he was still gorgeous while doing so.

Tumingin ako kay Adrian, bahagyang ngumiti. “I’m sorry, I have to go.”

Hindi na ako naghintay ng sagot. Tumakbo ako paalis doon. I knew I had to leave before things get out of hand. Griffin was a man and men are extremely territorial. Sigurado akong nakita niya ang paghalik ni Adrian sa akin at alam kong hindi niya iyon papalampasin. I had to get out of there before a brawl breaks out.

“Ice! Ice, sandali!”

Nilingon ko si Adrian nang makaalpas ako sa exit ng building. He was hot on my heels. “Ihahatid na kita. Gabi na.” Then he thanked the valet who gave him the keys to my car after he parked it just before us.

“Adrian—” I was going to refuse because it would be awkward to be stuck in a car ride with him after that kiss but I saw Griffin just came out of the function hall. Lumunok ako at muling bumaling sa kanya, tumango. “Okay. Let’s get out of here, I wanna go home.”

Tumango rin siya. Agad akong pumasok sa passanger’s seat at sinarado ang pintuan ng kotse. Not a second after, Adrian followed. Nang makita ko mula sa tinted na bintana ng kotse na nakalabas na si Griffin ng gusali ay agad kong pinindot ang lock sa mga pinto ng kotse. Adrian looked at me curiously habang minamaneobra niya paikot ang sasakyan.

Nakakailang ang katahimikan sa kotse habang nasa byahe. Sa labas lamang ako nakatingin, tensyonado at iniisip kung anong magiging susunod na hakbang ko. Knowing Griffin, he wouldn’t stop. He saw what happened and a man as confrontational as that will stop at nothing until he’s able to stage the confrontation he wants.

It was a relief to me nang wala akong makitang bakas ng sasakyan niya sa parking area ng building ko matapos kong makababa sa sasakyan. I was anxious about that, causing me to jump at Adrian’s approach.

“I-I’m sorry. Ice…” Nalungkot at na-guilty ako sa nakitang disappointment at pag-aalala sa mukha niya. Yumuko siya saglit, lumunok, pagkatapos ay muling humarap sa akin. “Hindi ko sinasadya. I’m really sorry for what I did. It’s just… Sometimes, you feel like it’s the right moment, you know? It felt like that to me.”

I moistened my lips with my tongue and sighed.

Kasalanan ko rin siguro. Matagal ko nang nararamdaman na may gusto sa akin si Adrian. I tried my best to be at an acceptable distance, iyong hindi naman siya mabibigla na umiiwas ako pero hindi rin siya magkakaideyang binibigyan ko siya ng motibasyon na i-pursue ang nararamdaman niya para sa akin. It just didn’t occur to me at all that he’ll try this stunt sooner than I expected.

“It’s fine, Adrian. Pasensya ka na rin ha?”

A sad smile curved his lips and understanding dawned his eyes. “You knew, didn’t you?”

I touched the back of my head. Somehow, nakaramdam ako ng kaunting hiya. Baka akalain niyang assumera ako ng taon. That I expected this to happen. “I… had an inkling. Hindi lang ako sigurado.”

Tumango-tango siya. “Well… I like you, Ice. I like you a lot. Mula pa no’ng una kitang makita, gusto na kita. I wanted to be your friend first, s’yempre, kaya lang… I worry sometimes that I might be too much in the zone now that I won’t be able to get out of it. Baka hindi kita mapormahan or worst… baka may mauna.”

“You’re a good guy, Adrian. A good friend. Hindi lang talaga ako handa sa ngayon na pumasok sa kahit na anong relasyon. Baka hindi ko rin mai-commit ng maayos ang oras at sarili ko sa ‘yo. I don’t want to hurt you like that. Ayoko ring paasahin ka kaya ayokong hingin sa ‘yong maghintay. I’m really sorry.”

The sadness lingered in his face and it broke my heart a little. I don’t like disappointing people. I don’t like the feeling of not being okay with Adrian. He started mattering to me now. He’s a part of my life now, a friend I can be myself with if needed. Ayoko siyang mawala nang dahil lang dito.

Pakiramdam ko’y natanggal ang tinik sa dibdib ko nang umiling-iling siya at nagsimulang tumawa ng bahagya. “Sorry. It’s just… It’s comical, isn’t it—how we handled tonight? Para pala tayong highschool kung mag-aminan.”

Despite myself, I smiled at the thought. He was right. We were bumbling fools.

Tinawid ni Adrian ang distansya namin at yumakap sa akin. “I’d like to remain friends with you, Lyselle, if that’s okay. Hindi ko dadamdamin ‘to, pangako. I wouldn’t say I’ll wait either but my feelings remain. I’m just not ready to lose you as a friend.”

Oh, thank heavens.

Sinuklian ko ang yakap niya at tinapik-tapik ang kanyang likuran. “Hindi rin ako handang mawala ka bilang kaibigan, Adrian. I mean who would queue at Starbucks for me at seven in the morning, right?”

Kapwa kaming natawa sa isiping iyon.

He was just about to pull away from me when a hand snatched his arm, pulled back and Adrian’s face was met with a fist. Napasigaw ako nang mapaatras siya dahil sa lakas niyon. Griffin punched him and he was seething with such rage that I’ve never seen him show before.

“Griffin!”

Camille emerged from the sidewalk, clutching her dress while running towards the man in front of us. Noon ko napansing wala na ang suot na suit jacket ni Griffin. It was laid on Camille’s elegant shoulders, giving her the warmth of its cloth. Samantalang ako’y nangangatal na sa ginaw sa labas, sa kaba sa nangyayari at sa natitirang epekto ng panic attack ko kanina sa banyo.

How is this fair?

“You bastard!” I was jerked back to the present when I heard Griffin yell and saw him just in time stalking Adrian who looked so dumbfounded.

Humakbang ako ng isang beses, akmang aawat ngunit nang makitang humarang si Camille sa daraanan ni Griffin ay huminto ako’t nagdalawang-isip. I watched them carefully at a distance, knowing that whatever I chose to do at that certain point will either stop Griffin in his path to kill Adrian or aggravate him further.

“Griffin, tama na! Maraming tao!”

Hindi niya pinakinggan si Camille. Hinawi niya ng marahan ang babae saka patuloy na tinawid ang distansya nila ni Adrian. He gripped the latter’s collar as if he wanted to lift him up and strangle him from where he stand.

“You’re past my limit, you asshole. You ever put your goddamned mouth anywhere near Lyselle again, I’ll smash your face to the ground so hard you’d be forced to loan some dog’s face.”

Nahigit ko ang hininga ko. Nakita ko ang comprehension ni Adrian sa mga mata niya sa segundong iyon. He dared a glance on where I stand. Griffin saw that and just like I expected, it angered him.

Muli niyang sinapak si Adrian sa mukha. This time though, hindi na nanatiling nakatayo lamang si Adrian. He landed a few punches, too, with the last one busting the side of Griffin’s lip. Naririnig ko ang pagmamakaawa ni Camille na tumigil silang dalawa, more so when they ended up on the ground. Naestatwa ako sa kinatatayuan ko, nalilito kung paanong nakakaya ni Camille na subukan pa ring hilahin si Griffin sa komosyong iyon. I also briefly wondered why the guards in the building aren’t helping us out here.

Natutop ko ang bibig ko nang kumubabaw na si Griffin kay Adrian. He landed a punch one, twice, thrice. He received a soft blow in his stomach which dislodged him briefly but he was able to gain the upperhand again and continue the assault.

Noon ako nagpasyang tunguhin sila, the realization that Griffin wanted Adrian dead there and then frightened me and filled the adrenaline in my blood.

“Griffin, tama na!” sigaw ko at pilit na buong lakas maitulak si Griffin palayo kay Adrian. With Camille on his back, pulling him away, we were able to create separation enough that I was allowed to pull Adrian up and shield him away from Griffin. “Tama na sabi! Tama na!”

Hindi ko alam kung alin sa mga sigaw namin ni Camille ang nagpatigil sa kanya. He suddenly stilled, his left arm held by Camille who was shaking and crying behind him. Nakita kong gumawi ang tingin ni Griffin sa kamay ko na nasa braso ni Adrian at ang isa’y nakapulupot sa baywang para maalalayan siya sa pagtayo.

Adrian’s face was drenched in blood. Ang kaliwa niyang mata’y halos sumarado na. His nose spilled blood as well and I think a part of it was bent. Lumunok ako at nakaramdam ng kaba. This isn’t looking good.

“Lyselle… Princess. Come here, please.”

Bumaling ako kay Griffin. Nakita kong nag-aabot siya ng kamay sa akin, hinihintay na kunin ko iyon. Something tugged at my heart when I saw a hint of fear registering in his eyes mixed with anger and confusion. Ngunit nahagip ng paningin ko si Camille sa likuran. And I remembered what I’d heard from the bathroom just some hour ago.

He’s using you to keep me by his side. You were his toy and toys can be cast aside. Ako, hinding-hindi niya ako kahit kailan kayang itapon ng basta-basta gaya ng pagtapon niya sa ‘yo.

Nag-init ang gilid ng mga mata ko sa alaalang iyon. Lumunok ako at pinilit na itago ang pamamasa ng mga mata ko. This is just too much for me for one night to handle.

“Umalis ka na muna. Please. You’ve done enough damage to Adrian and I need to take him to a hospital to be treated.”

“Camille will take care of him,” his voice broke at that and I felt like I just heard my heart being shredded to pieces. “I need you tonight. Princess, please.”

“Ang sabi ko umalis ka na. I can’t be around you tonight so please leave me alone or I’ll make sure Adrian will press charges against you for assault.”

“Princess—”

“You were trying to kill him!” I screamed, annoyed and heartbroken at the way he’s handling this. Na parang wala siyang pakialam sa sarili niya at sa iba. Na parang wala lang sa kanya ‘to.

I saw his anger overtaking other emotions in his eyes, drowning him with it. “He kissed you! Anong gusto mong gawin ko ro’n, Lyselle? He wants in your pants and you want me to stand aside and do nothing while he ingratiate himself to you? The hell I’ll do that! I’ll kill anyone who touches you, princess, you’re mine!”

Nagngalit ang ngipin ko sa galit na umahon dahil sa mga salitang iyon. I didn’t see it before because I was so adamant with wanting to feel like I had the ultimate control over this relationship. I had none apparently. He had been treating me as a possession since day one. Something that is his. His toy, his entertainment.

Ang tanga ko. Ang tanga-tanga ko para isiping kaya ko siyang tapatan. Na kaya kong lumebel sa kagaya niya. I gambled and I lost. And this has to stop now.

Hindi ko siya sinagot. Sa halip ay iginiya ko si Adrian ng dahan-dahan pasakay sa kotse ko. When I was rounding to the driver’s seat, Griffin held me back. Pinalis ko ang kamay niya sa braso ko at nagpumilit na buksan ang pintuan ng kotse.

“Princess, let’s talk, please. Don’t go. Don’t leave.”

Pilit akong nagpupumiglas sa mga pagtatangka niyang ikulong ako sa bisig niya. I was just thankful that Camille was there para hatakin siya pabalik, umaawat ngunit inilalayo rin ang iniisip niyang para sa kanya.

Habang binubuhay ko ang makina at hinahayaang kalampagin ni Griffin ang pintuan kasabay ng pakikiusap na huwag akong umalis, naisip kong baka sila nga ni Camille ang bagay. Kasi ako, I will never be like Camille. My brain and my fragile heart won’t be able to comprehend wanting to fight for someone who I shouldn’t even be fighting for in the first place. Kung kami at para siya sa akin, bakit kailangan kong lumaban? Bakit kailangan kong makipagkompetensya sa ibang babae para sa kanya?

He should be mine as I should be his. Unequivocally on equal footing. Same ground. Same leverage. Playing for the same stakes.

Griffin and I? We were never going to be like that. Iyon ang nilinaw sa akin ng gabing ito.

“Princess, please, don’t! Bumalik ka rito! You can’t go with him, please. Stay with me. Lyselle!”

If I stay, I will forever try to prove myself worthy of him to other women who felt they should be the one in my position. Like Emily Noblejas. Like Camille Espina. If I go, I’ll have my peace of mind but I’ll most likely nurse a broken heart and I’ll be back to square one.

Eitherway, I was doomed.

So what was the point of choosing?