Once Ice Grieves

THIRTEEN: Aftermath

THE visit to the hospital confirmed what I already knew. Griffin almost broke Adrian’s nose and busted his mouth open and his left eye shut. When he emerged from the hospital’s emergency facility to join me in one of the bench from the garden, nakabenda na ang mata niya at ang labi’y may plaster. Bukod sa mga iyon, ilang sugat at pasa na lamang ang visible sa kanyang mukha. I’m guessing the other damages had been hidden at alam kong napuruhan din siya ni Griffin sa katawan kanina.

Nang maupo siya sa tabi ko’y unang nagawi ang kanyang tingin sa kapeng hawak ko pagkatapos ay sa jacket niyang nakabalabal na sa aking mga balikat.

“So… Griffin King, huh?”

Napatingin ako sa kanya. His eyes held sad amusement and his voice did not hold any grudge or bitterness when he spoke. Mas lalo lamang lumaki ang guilt ko sa nangyari dahil sa pag-akto niya sa akin ngayon.

“Adrian, I’m sorry. Hindi ka na dapat nadamay pa.”

He lifted one of his shoulders in a shrug. “I suppose in light of what’s happened, that was fair. I did kissed you in front of him—albeit unwittingly. That must have been hell to watch. Kung ako ‘yon, gugustuhin ko ring makapatay. I guess I was more surprised by how he showed that exact intent tonight. Sa tagal ng pagkakakilala ko kay Sir Griffin, I’ve always thought he was a laidback guy.”

I wouldn’t characterize Griffin as laidback. He is far from that.

At my arched brow, he chuckled and rephrased what he was saying, probably understanding my unspoken thoughts. “I mean sa trabaho intense siya. He’d always wanted everything to go his way and most of the time he gets that because he’s ruthless and aggressive and takes no bullshit from anyone when it comes to work. Pero sa personal na buhay, kapag kasama niya si Miss Camille o kaya’y kapag nakakasama namin siya sa mga corporate events, he semeed as nice as his face is. Angelic and polite and the consummate gentleman.”

I have said as much multiple times. Alam ko kung gaano nakakapanlinlang ang ipinapakita ni Griffin sa iba. Iyong mga nakahanda niyang ngiti, mga magagalang na salita, mga tawa’t nakakatuwang kwento. He’d use that charm on my whole family years ago. And I realized recently na noong mga panahong iyon ay pareho kaming nagpapanggap—ako na walang alam at inosente sa mga bagay-bagay para ma-appease ang Lolo, siya na kasing galang at kasing bait ng kanyang mukha para lang mapantayan ang expectations sa kanya ng mga tao.

“Do’n ako nagulat,” dinig kong pagpapatuloy ni Adrian sa tabi ko. “Na may iba siyang side. Na kaya niyang maging irrational at umakto na ang pinapairal lang ay ang instinct ng pagiging territorial niya sa ‘yo. Maybe I’ve placed him in a pedestal where I view him as the angel his face is. Nakalimot akong tao rin siya, lalaki. I forgot he can be affected by the green-eyed monster innate in all of us mere humans.”

Jealousy. Hindi niya pinangalanan pero alam kong iyon ang pinatutungkulan niya. He thinks Griffin was merely jealous.

“I don’t think jealousy over a kiss counts as a justifiable reason for wanting to kill you, Adrian.”

Muli’y nagkibit siya ng balikat. “Hindi naman imposibleng pumatay ang isang lalaki para sa ‘yo, Ice.”

That was grim humor. I hoped to God that was just grim humor because my fried brain can’t accept how someone like Adrian would do the things Griffin did tonight. He looks very badass on the outside but he’s a gentle heart and very understanding. The polar opposite to Griffin’s angelic face and savagery. Adrian is a safe choice, a safe place. Kung nasa ibang headspace lamang ako, kung handa lang sana ako, si Adrian ang pipiliin ko.

“I’m sorry…” I said again, not knowing what else to say.

“Okay lang, Ice. Ako nga ang dapat mag-sorry. Nakita ko na dapat ‘yong signs no’ng una pa lang. In my arrogance and eagerness, I simply thought you were just trying to be professional kaya may distansya ka palagi. I had never thought you’re already taken.”

“I wasn’t.”

Taka siyang tumingin sa akin. “Hindi ba si Sir Griffin…?”

“It’s… complicated,” for a lack of a better term, I suppose. “Pero hindi kami.”

Katahimikan ang sumunod doon. It was just as well. Wala na rin akong ibang alam na pwedeng sabihin at hindi ko rin gustong ipaliwanag kung anong mayroon sa amin ni Griffin. It was complicated and unexplainable. Pakiramdam ko’y walang makakaintindi. Maski nga ako hindi ko maintindihan, eh.

What the hell draw me to Griffin, I can’t fathom. At times I thought it was the familiarity. He was a reminder of what I had, what I’ve been years past. When life was still easy. When my only problem was whether or not it was obvious to Griffin that I already knew that particular mathematics equation even before I asked his help for it. Minsan naman pakiramdam ko’y dahil iyon sa kaunting pagkakatulad namin. That maybe I was drawn to him because he felt as f****d up as me. Pretending, with masks on, and always on guard about ourselves.

I didn’t have a single waking moment that I was without worry that someone will see through me, destroy my defenses. With Griffin, kaya kong pakawalan ang lahat ng iyon. For a short period of time, kinaya kong iwaglit ang depensa ko, iyong pader na ilang taon kong binuo. Dahil siguro’y kahit na kaunti, nagtiwala ako sa kanya. Naniwala ako na kaya niya akong tulungan na ayusin ang sarili ko. And in the end, I was wrong. I shouldn’t have sought help from someone like him. He’ll end up extinguishing me, not helping me piece myself back together.

I should’ve known.

“He didn’t have a chance, did he?”

Napatingin ako kay Adrian. His face had that somber look, as if he was able to understand something just now.

Lumunok ako, sinubukang gawan ng paraan para maipaliwanag ko ang susunod kong isasagot. Pero sa huli’y malungkot akong ngumiti at umiling.

Tumango siya na tila inaasahan na iyon. “Kung ang kagaya ni Griffin King ay walang tsansa sa ‘yo, I don’t think anybody will at this point.” Noon siya tumayo at ngiting naglahad ng kamay sa akin. “Let’s take you home. Hindi man siguro ako maging boyfriend mo, I’ll settle for being your best boy friend. Mas mataas yata ang tsansa ko sa gano’n.”

Despite myself, I chuckled.

NAPAIGTAD ako sa gulat nang biglang bumukas ang pintuan ng kwarto ko at nagmartsa patungo sa harap ng TV ko si Autumn, dressed in her body-hugging striped dress with a mesh slit on the left. Lumingon ako sa bintana at nakitang mataas na ang sikat ng araw. I may have been so immersed on the show I was bingeing on I forgot to sleep.

I’ve been working at home for the past week. Hindi ako lumalabas ng bahay simula noon. One of the reasons was because of Griffin.

“Are you f*****g serious, Ice? Hindi mo ba talaga sasagutin ‘yon?” nakapamewang niyang singhal sa akin.

Kinuha ko ang remote at tinigil ang pinapanood ko. Nakiramdam ako. Ilang segundo lamang ay narinig ko na ang mahinang pagkatok sa labas ng penthouse.

It had been a constant presence in our home these days, that incessant knocking. Saka lamang nakakalabas si Autumn kapag tumitigil iyon. I guess he had to go home some time, right? Dalawang gabi lang siya nagbabad sa labas ng bahay. After a while, he settled with staying there three to five hours a day, sometimes a night. He calls out to me, begs to talk. Noong unang araw ay pinatay ko na ang telepono ko para hindi marinig ang paulit-ulit niyang tawag. All work communications are done via Viber and Email so only my laptop can receive those.

“Titigil din ‘yon, Autumn. Sorry.”

Bumuntong hininga siya. “What’s keeping you from talking to him? Kung gusto mo nang tapusin, tapusin mo na. He needs to hear that from you.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. “Hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin sa kanya. Isa pa, kung hindi lang din naman malalim ang rason ko, hindi rin niya ako titigilan. It’s useless.”

“So you’ll just hide in here? Hanggang kailan? Why the f**k can’t you just tell him the damn truth? Na flight risk ka at nakakatakot siyang jowain kasi mukha siyang playboy na may dala-dalawang babaeng nag-aagawan para sa kanya. That your broken mind can’t handle being in a relationship with someone like him who’s so bigger than life itself. That you can’t deal with complications and that his pull on you was so strong that you’d probably end up in a mental institution once he decides to discard you like dirty laundry.”

“Kasi hindi niya maiintindihan, Autumn. You don’t know Griffin. He’s hard-headed and he has a stubborn streak a mile wide. Kapag ginusto niya, kukunin niya. I can’t tell him the truth.”

“So then lie.”

Lalong nalukot ang mukha ko. I thought she was joking. “What?”

Nagkibit siya ng balikat. “Lie, Ice. It wouldn’t make a difference, would it? Gano’n din naman ang resultang makukuha mo at gusto mong makuha. Lying to his face will accomplish that goal. It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re telling him the truth. You want to drive him away without revealing that part of yourself, lie.”

Tinitigan ko ang babaeng nasa harap ko. Autumn is such a strong personality. A strong woman who’ve seen the worst in life. Everything she did, every ruthless decision she made, that was for herself. And out of all my closest friends, she was the one that came close to understanding the turmoil I was having within me. The nightmares, the constant vigilance. Lahat ‘yon pinagdaanan at pinagdaraanan din niya.

Often, people doesn’t understand why I do what I do. Why I jump from places to places. Why I run when the going gets tough or when I was so spooked to the core. Kagaya ni Autumn, nahusgahan din ako ng ilang beses. People called her selfish. A coward. An opportunist. And while I have yet to be called the latter, I knew people tend to view my actions as cowardly and selfish.

And they were right. I was all those and more. Hindi ko iyon itatanggi kahit na kailan.

Autumn’s lip curved in a tight-lipped smile. “Self-preservation, Ice. That’s what you call self-preservation.”

Tumango ako at napilitang tumayo. Sinundan ko siya palabas ng kwarto nang may mabigat na baliiat at lakad.

“I can hear Brittani in my head accusing me of having no character development,” I muttered behind her back nang marating ko ang sala.

Nanatili akong nakatayo sa likod ng couch habang siya’y nagpatuloy sa paglalakad. Nakita ko ang pagngisi niya nang kunin niya ang bag niya sa center table. “Character development my ass. Wala tayo sa movies. All of us are mentally ill and whether or not our characters develop into something fundamentally passable by societies’ standards doesn’t matter. We’re too busy fighting everyday against our urge to self-destruct enough as it is.”

May point.

Huminga ako ng malalim nang buksan niya ang pintuan. I felt the pregnant pause and the stunned silence kahit hindi ko nakikita kung anong nangyayari sa pintuan. But when the door closed, it was the same moment that Griffin appeared at the threshold of the living room.

Pakiramdam ko’y may kumurot sa puso ko nang makita ko ang mukha niya. He looked like hell. He had dark ring around his eyes, a hint of a stubble unshaved for days. Nothing like the Griffin King I knew. And a part of me realized, he looked like what I must have been feeling inside.

“Lyselle…”

Lumunok ako. My entire body reacted to that broken, hoarsed plea. Autumn, you b***h. You made this sound so f*****g easy!

He tilted his head and I saw his eyes drink in my appearance. He started at my navy blue silk pyjama bottoms all the way to my pink sando top then settled at my face as if memorizing me. Not too long after, I saw the familiar glassing of his eyes which heralded mine. “What’s happening to us, baby?”

Tumalikod ako, sinisikap na hindi tumulo ang mga luhang nararamdaman kong malapit nang mag-unahan mula sa mga mata ko. It was easier if I don’t see him. It was too painful. God, it was just more than two months of him and I’m already this invested!

“Princess… Talk to me, please. I—”

“Ayoko na. Griffin, ayoko na.”

That stunned silence again. Ramdam ko ‘yon. That palpable tension in the air. That aura of grief and sadness. It’s here. I’ve felt that before, in that room. It’s as if I can smell the same musk now, hear the agonized screams, the finality…

“Kung magdedesisyon ka ng para sa ating dalawa, at least have the goddamned courtesy to spit that in my face.”

I hid a choked gasp at the sharpness of that tone. I held my breath and slowly turned around to face him. Hindi ko alam kung paano pero iyong mga taon na iginugol ko para buuin ang sarili ko, iyon ang ginamit kong pader sa pagkakataong ito. It hid my pain, my frustrations, and my secret desires away from my people who’ve never really known me.

If this mask worked with Griffin then he was just one of those people who think the same of me.

“Itigil na natin ‘to. I’ve had enough. This is not what we agreed on—”

“It has never been what we agreed on in the first place! It was more, princess. We had something more here. Hinayaan kita sa gusto mo—a casual s*x, fine! I thought I made it clear to you, through my actions and through my intentions that I wanted more than that for us. I was careful because I know you’re dealing with something else, something you cannot speak of yet. That was fine with me. I will allow anything, Lyselle, save from you running away, as long as you’re with me. Hanggang nakikita kita, hanggang nakakasama kita, araw-araw, kahit na anong oras. I can give you all the goddamned time you need to get accustomed to being with me and what that entailed. But for God’s sake, just—why?”

He was so confused. And frustrated. I was so close with revealing everything to him, begging him to understand how fragile I am, how terrified I am of him and what he was offering. Gusto ko ‘yon. Gusto ko lahat ng ‘yon. But everything that he was saying now only confirmed what I already knew in my guts. He was controlling me from the very beginning. He was lying, pretending he was indulging me and my wishes but in truth, he was waiting for a time to strike. At my most vulnerable moment perhaps, when I have completely and irrevocably loved all of him the way Emily and Camille do.

He’d drop me like a hot potato then. Toss me to the nearest trash can, discard me like a pile of laundry, never to be missed. Never to be remembered.

“Hindi na kita kailangan,” how that sentence alone came out as steady as it did, I did not know. I was just so thankful for it, but equally miserable when I saw his eyes flickered and his jaw clenched. “Hiniling ko sa ‘yo ‘yong oras, oo. I wanted a casual f**k, Griffin, not a commitment. Sinabi ko ‘yon sa ‘yo. I have set your expectations from the very beginning. And that’s that. Ayoko na no’n.”

He stared at me na para bang gusto niyang basahin ang iniisip ko. Nakikita ko ang hindi kasiguraduhan sa mga mata niya, ang hindi paniniwala. And then seconds later, that shifted. It was as if something dawned on him all of a sudden. Like something clicked and the anger replaced the uncertainty. The shimmer of wetness in his eyes gone in a second.

“Cuenca,” he whispered as if it was some venomous word he wanted to spit. “Adrian Cuenca, isn’t it? You’re together…”

Kumuyom ang palad ko at pinigilan ko ang impit na iyak na nais kumawala sa bibig ko. God, but he’s a fool. My beautiful, handsome fool.

“Yes.”

He scoffed. Nag-iwas siya ng tingin, tumalikod. He clutched at his hair. And while he wasn’t looking, I let myself blink. Tumulo ang luha roon. Tumalikod din ako’t sunod-sunod na pinalis ang mga tumutulong luha. Hindi niya maaaring makitang umiiyak ako. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin niya pero alam ko lang na hindi ako maaaring magpakita ng kahinaan. I was lying through my teeth and I had to stand my ground for that lie. Self-preservation. That’s what I need.

“Akala ko iba ka. Akala ko naiintindihan mo, na nakikita mo ako. Ako.”

Lumunok ako. I braved a side glance at him and I saw the shimmer came back. But the anger reared its ugly head on his face. There was harshness in his face as he looked at me. There was loathing, disgust. Oh, God, the disgust. I’ve seen it before in countless of men’s eyes. The disgust after they’ve seen everything. Hindi ko kahit kailan naisip na makikita ko iyon sa mukha ni Griffin.

“But you were just like the others, Lyselle. You see my face, a body to f**k and use for your own pleasure. You’re no different than those who objectified me at every turn.”

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. I felt like my whole body is burning and I wanted to shake, convulse. It was straining to hold myself together in front of him. Pakiramdam ko’y anumang oras ay sasabog ang kinikimkim kong katotohanan.

“God, but I would’ve given you the world. Everything… Everything you wanted, Lyselle, I would’ve given it to you, offered it at your feet.”

Mariin akong napapikit. Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto akong nanatiling ganoon. Narinig ko ang yabag ng papalayong mga paa pagkatapos ay ang tunog ng bumubukas na pinto. There was a pause then. A heavy pause. My heart raced and deep inside of me, nananalangin akong bumalik siya. Hinihiling ko na sana’y mapagtanto niyang mali siya, na nagsisinungaling ako’t pilitin niya akong magsabi ng katotohanan.

I would’ve done it, too, at that point.

But everything ended when the lock of the door clicked and I opened my eyes to find him gone. The other shoe dropped. The last bell rung. It was over.

At wala akong ibang nagawa kung hindi ang mabuwal sa sahig at umiyak.