Once Ice Grieves

FOURTEEN: Self-Preservation

“DID you feel it was justified in the end? What you decided to do?”

I stared at Doctor Joana. Sa ilang pagkonsulta ko sa kanya at pagpapabalik-balik sa therapy sessions, natutunan kong ganito ang paraan niya ng pagsusuri sa sistema ng utak ko. Because of that, kahit na ayoko, it made me anticipate where she’s going with one single question. It made me measure the words I’ll say next so as to somehow get a bit of control with her psychoanalysis of my mind’s stupid machinations.

“I want an honest answer, Ice,” untag niya nang mahuli ang naiisip kong gawin. “Not a carefully constructed story.”

I bit my lip to prevent myself from smiling grimly.

It had been four months. Maraming nangyari pero parang lahat ng iyon ay hindi nakapagpaapekto sa akin. One thing did though.

Weeks after the unfortunate argument with Griffin, I was still reeling. Iniisip ko pa rin na mali ako. Na baka hindi ko dapat ginawa iyon. I’ve thought of reaching out to him, to say sorry among other things. To be honest. Glad I didn’t though.

Isang araw sa opisina’y nakita kong nakakumpol ang team ko sa desk ni Valentin at nakikiusisa sa laptop niya. Adrian was on the back, too, but when he saw me, something flickered in his eyes at agad niya akong sinalubong na para bang pinipigilan akong lumapit.

“May pizza sa pantry, Ice, kain tayo?”

Huminto ako at tinignan siya. I was about to ask but I saw the apprehension in his face and I just knew.

Tinapik ko ang balikat niya at nagderetso sa lamesa ni Valentin. Naririnig ko na ang mga pinag-uusapan nila noon.

“Dami pa namang naghihiwalay ngayon na mga artistang kasal,” wika ni Yi-Rim na tila kadugtong yata ng nauna niyang sinabi bago pa ako makarating doon.

When I stood beside Ariel on the middle, just at the back of Valentin’s chair, I saw a still image of two people walking down the aisle—Emily Noblejas and Griffin King. In the caption, I understood it said that was from Griffin’s father’s wedding in Lake Como. On the other half of the image is a picture of Noblejas’ finger showcasing a moonstone with a beautiful diamond-encrusted ring. A bold question below the photo reads ‘Engaged to Tech Industry Heartthrob?’.

Was it evil that despite the gnawing ache in my heart due to that knowledge, I still feel victorious because I was proven right after all?

“It’s human response, not evil,” wika ni Dok Joana nang iyon ang sabihin kong sagot sa nauna niyang katanungan. “In your case, that was a response to trauma. One of the many subtle defense mechanism you built over the years to mask your pain and make it go away. Pero, Ice, hindi ‘yon totoo. It’s like dipping an injured hand on a basin full of ice. It’ll numb the pain pero hanggang do’n lang ‘yon. Eventually, babalik ‘yong sakit, forcing you to deal with it. To fix it the right way.”

“And what’s the right way?”

Her gaze softened when I asked the question. “Lyselle… nandito lang ako para gabayan ka sa pagdiskubre no’n. Pero hindi ko masasagot ‘yon para sa ‘yo. Ikaw lang ang may kakayahang makasagot n’yan. But to answer that, you will also need to address the crux of this whole issue.”

Kumunot ang noo ko. Gusto kong itanong but I don’t dare do that. Sometimes I think Dok Joana has a flare for dramatics. And to stubbornly refuse to be made her avenue for that, I don’t ask when she obviously prompts me to.

Nangiti siya at umiling-iling na para bang nababasa niya ang iniisip ko. “See? That’s the problem, Ice. You don’t like giving people an inch.”

Tumiim ang bagang ko. Narinig ko na ‘yan dati kay Britanni. Damn these psychologists and psychiatrists. “Anong connect no’n sa issue ko?”

“Ang sabi mo no’n sa akin, aware ka na may mga taong ang tingin sa ‘yo ay makasarili. You also said it doesn’t affect you the way it should’ve because your self-preservation wins hands down.”

“And you said that was a good sign. That I was thinking of myself more now. That I’m reclaiming myself again, my worth, my body.”

Tumango siya. “That’s true but only to a certain degree.”

Damn level of degrees! Why is this so confusing? May ipapagawa sa ‘yo pero ‘pag ginawa mo, biglang mali pala. Biglang hindi pala gano’n dapat. “Truth be told, it’s like I’m solving the hardest goddamned riddle in the universe here, Dok.”

I saw a flash of humor visited her eyes. “Ice, ever heard the adage Too much of one thing is good for nothing?” I reluctantly nodded. “You know what that meant. Anything excessive is not good for anyone and may do you harm even. Pareho rin ‘yon sa naging response mo.”

“So there was such a thing as ‘too much self-preservation’?”

“Maaaring gano’n. You see, when you’re responding to legitimate threats to your well-being and seeing yourself automatically choose your safety and your worth over pleasing other people, that is a healthy amount of self-preservation. Wala kang ibang sinasaktan at inaagrabyado. On occasions where you find yourself being urged to go back to your previous self-destructing nature, there’s a fine line between using self-preservation as a reason to turn away so you can avoid a similar relapse or using it as an excuse because you’re scared to go down that path.”

“Hindi ba magkapareho lang ‘yon? Takot ako kasi alam kong mauulit. Kapag natakot ako, maiiwasan ko ‘yon. It’s a system and it’s working.”

“Where fear triggers your wall, gano’n ba?”

Nagkibit ako ng balikat. Muli siyang ngumiti.

“Sa lahat ng mga naging pasyente kong may parehong diagnosis, Ice, ikaw ang may pinakamabilis na resulta. In three years time, you’ve managed a lot by yourself—control the level of your emotions, keep away from the addiction of endangering yourself, view your body as something you should be proud of instead of something you should hate and use as a bargaining chip. Lahat ng ‘yon nagawa mo at na-accomplish mo ng maikling panahon. But there’s a trick to that, isn’t there?

“Whatever you did, it worked for you because no one challenged it. No one knocked your defenses down, no one disturbed your careful routine. Wala kang pinahintulutang kahit na sino na may gawing bagay sa ‘yo na hindi mo inaasahan. Your chosen environment cocooned you from potential intrusions, such as when it did came, you fumbled for a sense of control over what you were feeling. You were frightened. Your world was shook to its core and you had no defenses against that other than scampering and pushing the perceived threat away—just like what you did with Griffin. When he came, you went to war with him. Hindi mo siya tinanggap bilang bisita sa buhay mo. Kaaway ang tingin mo sa kanya. Isang banta. Everything he did, you perceived it as a threat to your peace. To your beliefs and to your self-imposed structure where men only brings pain and capitulation. He was closely linked with your past and you may have projected all your anger against your father, brother and grandfather onto him without knowing.”

Umiiling na ako kalahati palang ng sinasabi niya. Hindi ‘yon totoo. In my mind, I’ve always treated Griffin fairly. I've never hurt him up until that point in the end.

“You may not agree with me,” she said nang makita akong umiiling. She had that veiled look in her eyes, a blankness where I cannot see anything telling. “Pero alam mo sa loob mo na hindi naging patas ang pagtrato mo sa kanya. Based on what you said, he had an inkling about you and what you must have been going through which is why he was treating you like a fragile thing. He let you have your way so you can call the shots, so he can avoid frightening the life out of you. Only you were already scared going in.

“What you did was selfishness in its raw form. Hindi ‘yon self-preservation, Lyselle. You were scared so you ran. Ang ipinagkaiba ng ginawa mo noon sa ginawa mo ngayon ay ang naging consequences no’n sa ‘yo at sa taong nakapaligid sa ‘yo. You can deny this to yourself all you want but you know deep inside, you were hurt. And you hurt a person, too, which makes the act selfish. But then again it’s a response. Which means whatever progress we were making all these years, some part of those are a sham and not really something we can use moving forward.”

Kumuyom ang palad ko. “So I’m back to square one?” Oh, God, please no. Please don’t.

“Not necessarily,” iling niya. “Not square one. For all intents and purposes, your coping mechanism has served you well in a time where you most needed it. Pero gaya ng ibang kondisyon, yours are continually evolving. Your problem right now, Ice, is your knee-jerk reaction to strangers—particularly men—who wanted to be a part of your life. Right now, you’re scared of them. You have an aversion to an emotional connection with them that it triggers your flight risk. And in the long term, it’s going to be detrimental to your life.

“Our goal in the very beginning is to manage your disorder well enough so you can continue living a normal, unrepressed life where your condition doesn’t take too much of you. We’re a long way from that pero sa pagkakakilala ko sa ‘yo, ang dami mong kayang magawa by just sheer will alone. If you had the desire and the incentive to do it, I’m confident you’ll accomplish this one much quicker.”

The preamble only made me apprehensive. Gaano na naman ba kahirap ang gusto niyang ipagawa? How confusing and how mind-boggling would that be this time?

SIXTH month post-Griffin. These days I rarely think of that. In fact, with the way my life is right now—peaceful and ever so hectic with the many activities I’ve heralded in the past months—I no longer think of his name and what happened all those months ago. Nakatulong din sigurong hindi ko siya nakikita o naririnig. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan siya pero huling balita ko’y nasa Lake Como siya kasama iyong aktres na nababalitang pakakasalan niya.

I was only jerked back to the fact that I’m in a world closely linked to his when Camille Espina was included in a project meeting with us Monday afternoon.

“E-commerce contributed 3.4% to the Philippines’ GDP in 2020 and we hope to increase the gap of this percentage by about 2% including margin errors,” pagpapatuloy ng babaeng nasa harapan namin habang nagfa-flash sa harapan ang mga powerpoint slides na naglalaman ng mga data na binabanggit niya. “While DropKart has not monopolized the country’s e-Commerce market share yet, at 40% on its beta test we’re on our way to doing that…”

I tuned the woman out when I caught the movement on the far end of the conference table. Tumayo si Camille kasabay ng pagbubukas ng pintuan ng conference room. Naunang pumasok ang CEO ng Brand & Beyond, Jessie Amador. He was outfitted in a casual gray knitted muscle shirt and dark gray trousers. Pumosisyon siya sa upuang iniwanan ni Camille Espina.

Nanatiling nakabukas ang pintuan habang si Camille ay pinalitan sa harap ang nagsasalitang babae kanina. A new presentation has flashed on the screen and on cue, Griffin King walked in the room, unbuttoned his black suit jacket and took the chair next to Jessie.

Nagbaba ako ng tingin sa notes ko nang makitang nagsimula siyang igala ang mga mata niya sa mga nakaupo sa mesang iyon. I acted as if I was jotting some notes down when in reality, I was waiting for some beats to pass to ensure he wouldn’t meet my eyes directly.

Hindi ko nakita kung ano nang itsura niya noong oras na iyon. I was curious though and a little excited. However, because of the dim light that allowed the projected presentation to be illuminated, I couldn’t get a good look. Isa pa’y halos nasa dulong silya ako. The ones seated in the front are mostly managers and up.

Ilang sandali pa ng pagpapanggap ay naramdaman ko ang pagtapik ni Adrian sa palapulsuhan ko. Tumigil ako sa pagsusulat at bumaling sa kanan kung saan siya nakaupo. He smiled, letting me know that he understood what I just did.

“…given that this is a big campaign, Kingsley Tech has decided to place the project up for bidding. From our end, we have two marketing teams competing for the proposal. In the name of fairness, we’ll be asking two teams as well from Brand & Beyond to compete.”

Noon nagbukas ang mga ilaw. Nagkatinginan kami ni Adrian nang magbanggit sila ng budget at ng mga specifics ng account na iyon. He acted like he was going to whistle when he heard the seven figures worth of prize for the winning team on top of the salary, benefits, and bonus incentives while working on the project. I grinned at his playfulness.

Sa unang mga buwan, lagi ko nang ine-expect na makikita ko o makakasalubong ko si Griffin sa trabaho. Ang dami kong na-imagine na mga scenario. Ang dami kong hinasang mga scripted na pagbati at pag-akto. When it became clear I wasn’t going to need them very soon, I tucked those out of my mind. I thought it was going to be awkward or tense. But with the knowledge that we’re under one room now, I realized those are inconsequential. I can never be prepared at seeing him. There’s just no such thing.

Nararamdaman ko ang excitement at tensyon sa kwartong iyon habang patuloy na nag-uusap ang mga managers at kapwa project leads sa sarili nila. When it became time for Camille to ask a list of names of people who will be working with the proposal, everyone quieted.

“Who do you think they’ll be getting?” pabulong na tanong ni Adrian na kinailangan pang lumapit sa tainga ko para lamang hindi siya marinig.

Iginala ko ang paningin ko sa mga leads na naroon. “Pakiramdam ko si Rolfo,” ganting bulong ko sa kanya. I searched the room more and accidentally landed on Griffin who was already looking at Adrian and me, with eyes as sharp as a blade and as cold as ice. Mabilis akong nagpatuloy sa paggala ng paningin at pasimpleng itinuro ang babaeng katabi ni Adrian. “And Sheena. She’s good at tech things.”

Pagkasabi ko niyon ay nakita kong kinuha ni Sir Ruth ang gooseneck microphone so he could be heard all the way to the back of the room. “We’ll have the teams of Sheena Hernandez and Lyselle Ocampo take the project.”

Bigla akong napaupo ng maayos. Nanlaki rin ang mga mata ni Adrian at malaki ang ngisi nang bumaling sa akin.

“Miss Ocampo’s newly promoted, isn’t she?” Camille asked Sir Ruth but without the aid of the microphone in her lapel pocket. Gayunpaman ay dinig ko pa rin iyon mula sa kinauupuan ko.

My gaze narrowed at her, slightly offended at the unprofessional way she addressed that sentiment. Marahil ay nakita niya iyon kaya’t nag-iwas siya ng tingin.

“I can assure you, Miss Espina, Lyselle’s more capable at handling tech campaigns despite her tenure.”

Sumulyap sa akin muli si Camille pagkatapos ay muling bumaling kay Sir Ruth. “Maybe it would be beneficial if we can have one of your tenured leads to handle this instead, Ruth, we’re—”

“Let Lyselle handle it,” to my surprise, Griffin interjected which drew all heads to him. “She spearheaded Cassiopeia’s digital campaign.”

Tumiim ang bagang ko. Whatever his intentions are which I think isn’t entirely benevolent, I don’t need him defending me in front of everyone.

Nanahimik si Camille doon at hindi katagalan ay nag-dismiss sila ng meeting. The other leads and managers opted to stay to talk to the CEO and to each other, perhaps. I would’ve opted to do that, too, because I saw Sheena did the same but my phone vibrated in my pants so I decided to excuse myself.

Lumabas ako ng conference room at iniwan si Adrian doon na tinungo si Camille upang bumati sa dati niyang boss. He also wanted to get an idea of the inner works of the project so who’d better do that than him. I made a mental note to give Valentin instructions to start researching for the project.

Nang tignan ko ang screen ng cell phone ko’y nakita ko ang pangalan ni Helion Knight. Nakatatanda siyang kapatid ni Britanni at ang nagpapatakbo ng The Clique club na lagi naming pinupuntahang magkakaibigan. Kumunot ang noo ko. Helion rarely calls me unless if it concerned his wife, Alexa.

“Hi, Hel. What’s up?” I greeted nang sagutin ko ang tawag. I was just outside the conference room, a few feet away from the door.

“Ice, it’s urgent. I need you to go to Clique now.”

Kumunot ang noo ko nang rumehistro sa pandinig ko ang urgency sa tinig niya. “Ngayon na?” Lumingon ako sa pinakamalapit na bintana sa kaliwa para tignan ang oras. The sun is setting. “May problema ba?”

“Your brother’s here.”

Naestatwa ako nang marinig iyon. Kung hindi ko lamang hawak ng mahigpit ang telepono ko’y sigurado akong naibagsak ko ‘yon sa sahig. “What?”

Kasabay ng pag-ulit ni Helion sa sinabi niya’y bumukas ang pintuan ng conference room at lumabas mula roon si Jessie na agad akong nakita at nilapitan. “Hel, sandali lang.”

Humarap ako sa papalapit na CEO, conscious of the fact that Helion is still on the other line and Griffin is just a few steps behind Jessie who was now offering a hand to me for a shake which I graciously accepted albeit with a tight-lipped smile.

“Miss Ocampo, I have heard great things about you. I’m excited about the proposal you’ll pitch in for this project.”

“Salamat, Sir. I’ll do my best.”

Ngiti siyang umatras at tinapik ng magaan ang balikat ko. Lumunok ako, worried how this should end dahil nakita kong tumayo lang si Jessie sa tabi sa halip na lagpasan ako’t maglakad na palayo. After a beat, I realized why.

Natawid na ni Griffin ang distansya namin. Ang kanan niyang kamay na nakapamulsa ay inilabas niya para ialok sa harapan ko. “Miss Ocampo.”

Napatitig ako ro’n ng saglit. Huminga ako ng malalim pagkatapos ay lakas-loob na inabot iyon. His palm felt warmth and that familiar fluttering feeling in my stomach returned. “Sir.”

Something flickered in his eyes but I can’t read those exactly. Ngumiti siya. “I’m looking forward to working with you again.”

Ngumiti ako’t tumango. “Thank you, Sir.”

Hinagod niya ako ng tingin, our linked hands hung awkwardly in the middle. Mayamaya’y sinubukan kong hilahin ang kamay ko at sa awa ng Diyos ay hinayaan naman niyang mabawi ko iyon. That was when they walked past me, Luis and Jessie’s female assistant hot on their heels. Nakita ko pang tumingin sa akin si Luis at ginawaran ako ng ngiti na agad kong sinuklian.

Huminga ako ng malalim at agad na ibinalik ang telepono sa tainga ko. “Hel, I’m sorry. What was Prim doing there?”

“Not sure, Ice. Ang sabi niya may importante siyang kailangang sabihin sa ‘yo.”

God, what happened? Please, let my brother be okay. “O-okay, sige. Pupunta na ‘ko r’yan. Salamat sa pagtawag.”