When You Left

Prologue "You're leaving." I said coldly as I stop my track. Nandito kami sa may garden ng school. "Kri..." He softly said as he tried to hold my arms. Iniwas ko iyon, "And you did not tell me." as much as possible hindi ako tumitingin sa kaniya. It's our graduation today. Finally, highschool years is done! Sobra akong excited sa araw na ito na halos hindi ako nakatulog kagabi. I am not a typical highschool girl. I'm a bad-a*s if you're going to ask my schoolmates of what they think of me. I usually cut classes when I'm bored. Madalas din napapatawag sila mom and dad sa school kapag may classmates akong nakakaaway. Nakakainis kasi sila masyadong mapapel kaya hindi ko maiwasang sabunutan. "Sasabihin ko naman sa'yo." Muli niyang sabi sa malumanay na boses. I looked at him. I am so mad right now. I am so hurt. "Kailan? Sa araw na aalis ka na? Basty, pinagmukha mo akong tanga!" Umiling siya. Lost for words I guess. This man standing in front of me is my childhood friend, childhood sweetheart, my boyfriend. We were together since 10th grade and until now 12th grade. Two years. "Kri, I'm sorry. Hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin, Kri... I don't wanna see you hurt." He held my hand, I looked away. "And I'm not hurting now? Basty, we've talk about this! I told you about my plans in college! Kasama ka doon lahat. And I was a fool thinking that yes, you will be with me." sa matigas na boses kong sabi. Yung kasiyahan na ramdam ko kanina bigla nawala na parang bula. I was so happy while I was on stage receiving my diploma. I was so happy when I went down and he welcome me with a hug. But now, I can literally feel the hollowness in my heart. "I will come back. We can call each other everyday..." He softly said. "We can make ways Kri..." I shook my head, "Five years, Basty!" "And so? We can make it Kri." Muli ay umiling ako. "Walang kang uwian. For five years Basty..." I looked at him the eyes, "Sebastian..." "No, Krizhia. You are not going to break-up with me. No." matigas niyang sabi. I still looked at him. Different emotions are evident in his eyes. Hurt, fear. I can tell that's exactly what's in mine too. Wala pa naman akong sinasabi, alam na niya. He knows me too damn well. And I do too. Naramdaman ko ang pangingilid ng aling luha. I looked away. "We can call everyday. Then ano? Magiging busy ka. Magiging busy ako. Los Angeles, different time. Until those everyday calls, become every week, every month..." "Kri, how can you know that? We won't let that happen!" "I know! I know! I can't do that Basty, mabuti pa ngayon palang itigil na natin. Doon din naman pupunta ito." "How can you say that? Don't you love me?" pagsusumamo niya. Dumagdag lang iyon sa sakit na naramdaman ko. "I do. So much." my voice c***k as my tear fell. "Then ayoko. Ayokong makipag break sa'yo..." How funny, when we suppose to have smiles in our faces at this moment because of our graduation. How funny, we are both in pain and crying. Siguro kung hindi pa nabanggit ng Mommy niya na aalis siya after this to L.A maybe I was still happy like a fool. "I'm sorry. I don't want to do this anymore... I'm letting you go. Make your life successful and I will try to make mine too. That's what you want right?" "Krizhia." He called and I looked at his bloodshot eyes. "Okay lang ako..." I said. "Please..." he whispered. I shook my head again and turned my back on him. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta, basta dirediretso lang ako. My tears are unreservedly streaming. I cannot take this reality. I cannot take that he is leaving me. All my life, he was there. He witness everything that occurred in my life. He was the only one who could tame me. He was the only person whom I listen to. He was the one for me... or so I thought. Nakarating ako sa parking lot. I saw my Mom and Dad, Tita Annie and Tito Freddie was also there, Basty's parents. Pinunasan ko ang aking mga luha at saka naglakad papalapit sa kanila. "Oh nandiyan ka na pala, where's Basty?" My mom asked. I swallowed hard and smiled, "Nandoon pa po, kausap pa ata yung mga kaklase..." "Yung batang yun talaga bakit ka iniwan?" Tita asked. Alam ko naman na walang double meaning iyon pero bakit ako nasaktan sa tanong niya? Damn this. "Hindi naman Tita, hinayaan ko nalang din kasi mag kakahiwahiwalay na sila..." They laughed and realized, oo nga naman. Saglit pa silang nag-usap hanggang sa dumating na si Basty, hindi ko siya nilingon. Because I know the moment I will, I will cry. Nag yaya na sila kaya sumunod na ko sa parents ko sa sasakyan. I don't why but I can damn feel my broken heart. Yung sakit na gumuguhit sa dibdib? Ngayon ko lang to naramdaman! Ang sakit. I closed the door at the backseat as I went in. Pinaandar na naman ito ni daddy, I thought I can do it but my traitor heart definitely can't so I looked at him outside the window. He was looking intently at me with those bloodshot eyes, and in that moment I feel my whole body aching. Nakarating ako sa bahay na tulala. There's a celebration in the house and the moment we're already at the house my relatives greeted me. I tried to smile. Maya maya lang din ay nakita ko na ang kotse nila Basty. Naisip kasi nila na pagsabayin na ang celebration at dito nalang sa garden sa bahay iyon ginawa. Bago pa siya makalapit sa akin ay diretso na akong pumasok sa loob ng bahay. I climb the stairs and went to my room. I sighed when I sat on my bed. Imbis na mag isip pa ng kung ano ay nagpalit ako ng dress at nagtanggal ng make up. Hindi rin ako nagtagal doon dahil hinahanap na daw ako sa baba sabi ni Manang. Agad naman akong bumaba. I saw Basty talking to some of his relative. Hindi ko na pinansin. As much as possible ayokong mag kausap pa ulit kami. "Are you okay, anak?" my mom asked. Kanina pa kasi ako dito sa baba pero hindi ako gaanong nakikisalamuha. "Yes Mom, I think I'm just tired..." sagot ko. Tumango naman ito. Muli akong napabuntong hininga ng makitang nakalapit sa amin sila Basty with his parents. "Kri hija, are you okay?" Tito asked. I fake a smile again. Hindi ko naman maiwasang mapatingin kay Basty. He has this cold aura with him and his looking at me firmly. "I'm fine Tito, pagod lang ito." Tumango naman siya. "I can't wait for the five years to past!" natatawang sabi ni Tita. "I will finally see you get married!" she exclaimed. Hindi na ako nagulat. Noon pa man kasi ay binalak na nilang ipagkasundo kami. At lalo lang naging totoo noong naging kami na talaga ni Basty. But now? I don't think it will happen anymore. I look at him and he didn't say a think. I guess wala siyang balak sabihin. I don't want to tell them too. Masyadong mabilis. Maybe after a couple of years maiintindihan nila kung sasabihin kong break na kami. "Ngayon pa nga lang ay gusto ko nang planuhin iyon!" my mom agreed. Hindi naman ako na salita. Maging si Basty. "Mom, Tita, Tito, papasok na po muna ako. I feel tired..." Nakangiti naman itong humarap sa akin at pumayag na sila. Hindi ko na siya tiningnan at nagtuloy tuloy na lang sa pagpasok. Ang bigat ng nararamdaman ko. Mas masakit pa ito sa mga kalmot na nararamdaman ko kapag nakikipag away ako. I was busy thinking things that I didn't realize I fell asleep. The next day, tamad na tamad akong bumangon. Tiningnan ko ang phone ko and there's so many texts and calls from Basty. Pati na rin kay Jam, my friend. Hindi ko pa nga pala nasasabi sa kaniya ang tungkol sa amin ni Basty. Twing naiisip ko yun, nasasaktan parin ako. He was my life saver. As always. Kapag napapaaway ako, nandun siya kaagad, kapag may mali akong ginagawa, sasabihin niya agad. I live my life depending on him. Akala ko hindi siya mawawala and that's where my fault is. I make myself believe that he won't live me. And I guess I am not brave enough to face the consequences of him leaving me so I make a decision where I can atleast save myself from too much hurt. Pero parang ganoon parin naman. Masakit parin. "Kri, you should atleast try..." sabi sa akin ni Jam. We are currently at a cafe near our former school. "Jam, I can't take to look at him leaving. I can't imagine the pain for that five years knowing I can't see him." I breathe heavily as I feel my tears. "But I know you can't also take it if you can't even glance at him atleast one time a day." I looked at her as she said that, she was right. "Natatakot ka lang ipakita na hindi mo kaya kapag umalis siya. You were just proving to yourself that you can do it without him. When in fact besides yourself he was the person who knows you well. If you are hurting I know he is too. You know that, Kri..." Yes, I know that. "Jam..." "Kailan ba siya aalis?" she asked. I looked at my watch. "Ngayon?" I said. "Ngayon? What the hell?" "Uh, it's still an hour before his flight." "Then we should go. Maabutan mo pa iyon." I looked to her as she said that. "Anong sasabihin ko?" napairap naman si Jam sa tanong ko. "Mamaya mo na iyan isipin! Tara na!" hindi na niya inantay pang makapagsalita at hinila na niya ako paalis doon. Buti nalang ay madali lang kami nakahanap ng taxi. Hindi ko alam kung umaayon ba sa akin ang tadhana but there's not much traffic today. Nakarating kami ng airport fifteen minutes before his flight. Agad kaming pumasok at ang daming tao. Hindi ko alam kung nasaang parte na kami pero hindi ko parin siya nakikita. I almost out of breath when we both stop. "We should part ways, para mabilis natin siyang makita." sabi ni Jam at iyon nga ang ginawa namin. I almost gave up. But then I saw him. He was looking everywhere like he is searching for something. Or someone. I waited until he glance at my way. He did. And that's when I fell my tears flow. Agad akong tumakbo papalapit sa kaniya at sinalubong naman niya ako ng yakap. So tight. "Akala ko hindi ka na darating..." He huskily said. Iyak lang ako ng iyak. I'll gonna miss this. His touch, hugs. Inilayo naman niya ako sa kaniya at hinawakan niya ang mukha ko. Feeling ko mukha akong sabog ngayon. Magulo ang buhok ko tapos iyak pa ako ng iyak. Inayos niya naman iyon at nilagay ang takas na buhok sa likod ng aking tenga. He then, wipe my tears. "I'm s-sorry..." sinabi ko iyon habang humihikbi. He kissed me on the tip of my nose down to my lips. "It's okay..." I looked intently on his bloodshot eyes. Nakita ko ang pangingilid ng luha na malamang ay pinipigilan niya. Ang arte talaga nito! Pinag dikit niya ang noo namin, "We are not breaking up, okay? We won't." He said. Parang bata naman akong tango lang ng tango. Muli niya akong niyakap ng mahigpit. His head is on my neck. Naramdaman ko naman ang pagka basa nito. He stayed that way for a couple of minutes. Nang humarap siya sa akin ay nakangit na siya. "I'm gonna miss you so damn much." He whispered. "Me too..." Patuloy naman sa pagbagsak ang luha ko. Hanggang sa tinawag na ang flight niya and we needed to separate. Lalo akong napaiyak. "Please Kri, don't cry. I'm gonna come back..." "I know..." "Smile for me, please..." He again wipe my tears and I put so much effort to smile for him. After that he walked away. I thought I'm gonna break down. I just felt someone hold me. "J-Jam..." I hugged her. "Ssshh, Kri... ang pangit mo na. Dadami na naman ang mambabash sa'yo niyan na mga haters mo kapag nakita ka." Bahagya naman akong napatawa sa sinabi niya. This is my first time cried this hard. It was so painful watching him go. I hope it will be the last.