When You Left

Chapter 10 Selfish

Next is the epilogue!

Chapter 10

Selfish

Cold air was surrounding us under the light of a crescent moon. He dragged me out here in the garden to talk. Of course, he knew how to calm me and make me talk.

I sighed as I breathe heavily. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko simumulan o saan ako mag sisimula. The words I about to say is too heavy to lift up.

"Remember our tough times back when you're still not here?" I slowly spoke wishing my tears won't fall any time soon.

I kept my gaze straight not wanting to look at him and see his reactions might be. "Those pictures..." I continued.

"It's done, Kri. We've past through that-"

"No... Whoever send that pictures to you-"

"It's one of those girls at school, Kri. Come on, you know you don't have very huge fans there..." he said striking to enlighten up the mood.

I nodded. "I know... just let me tell you this." I licked my lips, "The night that we fought about Cyrus," I looked at him only to see how his face turned menacing.

We're not done yet, I guess.

"I... I did something v-very bad. I was so hurt, I was so mad, how can you not hear me out? I'm your girlfriend, it should be that way right?" I wiped some tears before they even fall.

He moved so he can looked at me better. He touched my arms that it almost burn.

"I was so confused that time, I'm sorry..." he whispered slowly.

"Don't be," I looked up to him. "Because I'm too sorry for myself that I cannot handle yours..."

"Kri..." He softly calls that it almost shake me. I shook my head telling him to stop and listen first.

"I was so out of my mind that time, I went to a bar with Jam," I see how his brows creased, made me know that nobody tries to told him about this.

I continued, "I got drunk, I was a m-messed. My heart was burning, aching... I don't know what to think. She said we needed to get home and as a brat... that I always was... I told her I'll drive and she didn't win the arguement about it, Bast..."

He hold both of my shoulder as he watched my tears stream down my face.

"Okay, stop... No need to tell me this, I understand, you should go inside..." he spoke seriously. Determined to stop me at all my talking.

Marahan naman akong umiling. "You need to know this..."

He sighed and looked away so I continued.

"There was a van in the intersection. I am over speeding and I coudn't handle the wheel very well, that we ended up crashing..." I think my tears will forever be like this at moments I will remember this. "I saw her, m-my bestfriend, clothe with blood... in front of me..."

I looked down and closed my eyes firmly. Opening this is like reaping my heart out. It hurts.

"She died. And everybody tells me that everythings gonna be okay but I know it's not. Everybody tried to console me, telling me it wasn't my fault but it is! And it hurts even more. Because they cannot say that it was my fault, and what they did was to lie to me..."

My heart is pounding against my chest making it hurt more. He tried to hold my hand but I didn't let him. I wiped my tears and looked at him straightly to his eyes.

"I wanted... so much to talk to you..." I uttered, "But I know you're mad at me, that you didn't call for months..."

"Krizhia, I- I'm so-"

"Don't. Be." I sighed. "I don't blame you... I was upset, that I thought we were more that. But I failed myself, okay? It wasn't yours to carry..."

Umiling siya sa paraan na parang wala siyang naiintindihan. I know, this is pointless but he needs to know this. I need him to know this.

"I got depressed, I spent months in hostipal because the pain is too much to bear that I almost give it up..."

He stiff, looking at me with so many emotions in his eyes. I bit my lip and wipe my remaining tears. This is the dark part in my life that always leave a hole in me.

"And I don't know a thing about this..."

I nodded, "I can't let you know... I was so wrecked and the last I want is to tell you. Ang laki kong pabigat sayo..."

"Don't say that!" He growled, "You thought that's what you mean to me? That shallow, Kri?"

He said loudly like how he used to talk to me when I did something ridiculous. I wanted to smile while remembering it, but I'll ruin the moment.

I shook my head, "That's what other people think, our family thinks."

"Let them be!" His tone was harsh, like annoyed by something. "They have nothing to do with us."

Umiling naman ako ulit, para ipaintindi sa kaniya ang nais kong iparating. Mariin siyang pumikit na para bang ayaw na niyang marinig pa ang sasabihin ko pero, there's no other right time for this.

"But it has something to do with me. Ayoko ng ganoon, Basty! They're making me feel that you're my last resort! That without you, I will be nothing. That it's only you who can make me a better person Basty, I don't want that..."

"This is pointless, Kri."

"It is the whole point. I was a badass girl my whole life, you're my life saver like since, forever. We fought and I thought the whole world's gonna end, I was so broken that I get my best friend killed, make all of these people realized that without you I will be forever like this. Months past... I am starting to get it back together, to build every pieces of whatever's been wrecked and then... you appeared..."

He looked at me with his bloodshot eyes, "And everything came rushing back like water falls." He interrupted. Looking firmly at my eyes begging me to say otherwise.

I nodded slowly, "You reminded me of everything... and it was hard for me to adjust, lalo na noong umuwi ka na parang walang nangyari. I tried so hard to act normal, kasi sino ba ako para magreklamo when last time I checked, I so wanted you to come home... but..."

"I don't want where this is going..."

I inhaled, "But I... I don't think... I can do this... a-anymore..." My tear fell and my fingers are cold.

"I don't understand..." He said huskily.

"I'm going to tell our families that I back out. I'll take it all. You don't have to worry about that. They know me as that anyway-"

He slammed the table in front of us that made me jump, "You're seriously thinking about that?" He slowly uttered. Coldly. "How about me? I don't get to decide, then? Aren't we both in this, huh?" He said mockingly but still, I can distinguish how pain was evident in his voice.

"Basty, I told you I can't-"

"Six years, Kri! You're seriously going to throw it like that?"

"Please..."

He sighed while nodding, "I don't know what hurts more. That I am reminding you of pain, or you... begging me to leave you alone... I love you all my life..."

I looked away, "I'm sorry..."

I heard him sighed. "And that hurts more." He replied.

I stood up and looked at him. He looked up to me and a tear fell from his eyes that made my broken heart burn to ashes.

I almost bend on my knee and take back all the words I told him. I fighted all my sobs, swallowed hard.

"I k-know..." Was the last words I said as I turned back at him and walk inside the house.

As soon as the door on my room slamed my tears fell. Damn. I look pathetic. Why would I cry if I'm the one who wanted this break up?

I am so selfish. But I want him to spare from the pain. Me being like this, while our wedding is on preparation. It is unfair to him and I don't want that. I just don't like this feeling. Alam ko, I'm still not on my sane mind.

At hindi niya deserve iyon. He deserves the best and I want that for him. Buong buhay ko I believe I am the best for him, atleast, I can be the best for him. But now I realized, hindi pala.

I sounded like dumb. Nasa akin na pero pinakawalan ko pa. Ako pa ang nag iinarte. They can say that, but no one can really understand me.

I suddenly looked at the bracelet he gave me, the infinity one. They said it is a sign of everlasting love. But I know in reality it's just a sign reminding you something that can you can never really have. In reality it just represent the desire for something to be everlasting.